Woman confused me [wants to be exclusive after one date]

[Zeo828]

I got asked out by a woman. I thought " ok, why not she's kinda cute why not at least casually go out and try."

 

We go out for a walk in the park, as she suggested. It went ok.

 

Then I called just to talk, about a few days later, and the gist of the conversation was that she said that she is not here for just fun. She knows what she wants, she's eventually looking for a relationship and while we can take it slow (like I suggested) she would rather I not see anyone else. This request startled me. When I told her that I am not sure if I am able to just focus on her after 1 week she sighed in disappointment.

 

After this conversation I felt scared and like running away. She told me to always be honest with her, so I told her that the convo got me nervous. She said she felt bad because it "seems like I am pressuring you." But she said she would still rather I focus on her and not get any other number if I happen to meet anyone. So she says take it slow, but yet wants me to see no one else. After 1 date.

 

 

I'm just confused. There is no one else in the picture but I just thought I was going to meet someone for coffee and see where it might go. That's all. I did not want to feel boxed in already.

 

She's basically agreeing with me about taking it slow, but she would prefer I only see her. Her reasoning is that she doesn't want me screwing other women and seeing her. Not that I would do that anyhow. Once again, I agreed to meet for coffee and see where it goes. Lol It makes no sense to me. I feel like she is condraticting herself. Let's take it slow, but see no one else. What? And quite frankly I feel scared because I don't know what I'm getting into here.

 

I don't like people telling me what to do so soon. Yes she has a right to express herself and her needs, but I have a right to mine too.

[JewelD]

Why are you questioning your own feelings? She is crazy as hell, run like the wind and never look back. I mean, you can tell her that you are going to run like the wind, but don't let her guilt trip you into not doing it.

[elaine567]

She doesn't multi date and she is hoping that you don't multi-date either.

Why on earth are you scared?

 

You either say "OK I agree to focus only on you and see where it goes" or you say "No, that is not a good plan for me, we are on a different page, so nice knowing you, Good Bye.

[Zeo828]

Well to be honest... She already told me that she likes me and "doesn't understand why she likes me so much already. It's nice but I'm not there yer of course. Then when I expressed this to her she said "well of course not, I don't know you either."

 

Bottom line it seems already her interest level is higher than I would like at the moment. So that's what scares me. I did tell her that it goes against my principal to stop seeing others after 1 date. And she said " omg.... Ok I like you so much that I'm willing for you to date others. But tell me if u do so."

 

 

Tonight I see her again and I'm going to have a face to face talk about what I want. And if it's iver then it's over. I don't care.

[JewelD]

Well to be honest... She already told me that she likes me and "doesn't understand why she likes me so much already. It's nice but I'm not there yer of course. Then when I expressed this to her she said "well of course not, I don't know you either."

 

Bottom line it seems already her interest level is higher than I would like at the moment. So that's what scares me. I did tell her that it goes against my principal to stop seeing others after 1 date. And she said " omg.... Ok I like you so much that I'm willing for you to date others. But tell me if u do so."

 

 

Tonight I see her again and I'm going to have a face to face talk about what I want. And if it's iver then it's over. I don't care.

 

Why are you so afraid to just stop seeing her? She's already being clingy and compromising what she wants just so she can keep talking to you. In some cases, it's admirable, but with her, she's just being desperate. It obviously bothers her which is why she wants you to tell her when you are seeing other women.

 

She's acting like you're already in a relationship. And you have already told her how you feel about it and she is still doing way too much. If you already know you don't want to be alerting her to your every move, end it now.

[aileD]

For some reason this site doesn't like you to use the word "confused" in the title.

 

Listen. Yes, it's a little clingy and freaky.

 

But that said. She's being honest about what she wants and needs for her. Gotta give her respect for that.

 

so if you can't promise her that, let her know. It is what it is.

[BikerAccnt]

She doesn't multi date and she is hoping that you don't multi-date either.

Why on earth are you scared?

 

You either say "OK I agree to focus only on you and see where it goes" or you say "No, that is not a good plan for me, we are on a different page, so nice knowing you, Good Bye.

 

^^This.

 

I don't multi-date, and I was lucky enough to find a woman who doesn't either. We discussed it and after the 2cd date agreed to only see/focus on each other. Some of us are just like that. We don't like to confuse ourselves by trying to juggle multiple people/emotions.

 

Isn't right or wrong, just is. If that's not for you and you are not comfortable with it, you are perfectly within your right to not see her again.

[Zeo828]

I don't think it right, wrong , bad. But I don't want to date one person at a time unless I feel ok with it. Sometimes it's right away, sometimes it takes time. I really don't know how I feel about her. She asked me out and I'm willing to get to know her. I said no promises and she said "of course not." So we'll see if she sticks to her word.

[Zeo828]

I usually like to focus on 1 person too, but it depends with how feel about the person from the get go. Some people I get the gut feeling that I want to see what else is out there.

[Redhead14]

I got asked out by a woman. I thought " ok, why not she's kinda cute why not at least casually go out and try."

 

We go out for a walk in the park, as she suggested. It went ok.

 

Then I called just to talk, about a few days later, and the gist of the conversation was that she said that she is not here for just fun. She knows what she wants, she's eventually looking for a relationship and while we can take it slow (like I suggested) she would rather I not see anyone else. This request startled me. When I told her that I am not sure if I am able to just focus on her after 1 week she sighed in disappointment.

 

After this conversation I felt scared and like running away. She told me to always be honest with her, so I told her that the convo got me nervous. She said she felt bad because it "seems like I am pressuring you." But she said she would still rather I focus on her and not get any other number if I happen to meet anyone. So she says take it slow, but yet wants me to see no one else. After 1 date.

 

 

I'm just confused. There is no one else in the picture but I just thought I was going to meet someone for coffee and see where it might go. That's all. I did not want to feel boxed in already.

 

She's basically agreeing with me about taking it slow, but she would prefer I only see her. Her reasoning is that she doesn't want me screwing other women and seeing her. Not that I would do that anyhow. Once again, I agreed to meet for coffee and see where it goes. Lol It makes no sense to me. I feel like she is condraticting herself. Let's take it slow, but see no one else. What? And quite frankly I feel scared because I don't know what I'm getting into here.

 

I don't like people telling me what to do so soon. Yes she has a right to express herself and her needs, but I have a right to mine too.

 

Yeah, she jumped the gun, for sure. A second date hadn't even been arranged.

 

She is contradicting herself -- let's go slow, but you're only gonna see me

 

Usually girls who do this are in lock down mode. Even though she said let's go slow, if she dates a guy once, he's her boyfriend . . .

[bachdude]

Well, I think you can learn a few things about her personality.

 

 

She goes for what she wants and she's not afraid to ask for it.

 

 

She's intense.

 

 

She is already making demands of you after just one date.

 

 

And she doesn't strike me as a laid back, go with the flow type of person.

 

 

So I wouldn't just look at the one issue of her wanting you to be exclusive after just one date. A bigger issue is, are your personalities a good match??

[smackie9]

"take it slow" can mean different things. I would ask her to define "taking it slow".....like wait awhile for sex? Only see each other once a week? wait for exclusivity?

[Sthrngem87]

Sounds to me like she just wants to be in a relationship and who the other person is doesn't matter much. I don't see how she could know you well enough to want to be exclusive on a first date. She doesn't even know or seem to care if you consistently treat women well or if you were just putting on a front.

[phineas]

It's called dating folks.

Whether you see one person or 3 people at once it is still called dating.

 

Anyone who doesn't want you seeing other people = exclusive.

to expect exclusivity after one date is not realistic and a bit nutty.

[kgcolonel]

^^This.

 

I don't multi-date, and I was lucky enough to find a woman who doesn't either. We discussed it and after the 2cd date agreed to only see/focus on each other. Some of us are just like that. We don't like to confuse ourselves by trying to juggle multiple people/emotions.

 

Isn't right or wrong, just is. If that's not for you and you are not comfortable with it, you are perfectly within your right to not see her again.

 

When single, i never multi-dated either....even if it was one or ten dates, I never intermingled....I preferred to dedicate my time and energy to see if this was the person I wanted to invest all my time and energy into. That being said, to each his / her own. It is however very closed minded to call one approach wrong....I always respected the situation when a girl wanted to date around and she made it easy for me to eliminate from further investment in doing so. Maybe I missed a great catch but at the time, we weren't on the same page and that was that.

 

I didn't read that she "demanded" or "expected" exclusivity, just that she requested it. I like her approach in openness and honesty as those are characteristics that would make her a good catch.

[Larryville]

I'm kind of on the same page as S7.

The thing is she has already poisoned the well. She approached you first you had that first encounter and you stated it was okay. If she had just approached you organically and allow the relationship to build slowly you would have been cool. but now no matter what happens unless she turns out to be absolutely amazing you're always going to have that bad taste in your mouth.

[Popsicle]

My boyfriend (of 4 months now) did this to me on the 1st date. It made me feel really uncomfortable and nervous and I felt boxed in when he asked/pressured me too, but I liked him enough so I agreed after a week or two of dating. Plus, I hate multi-dating and being on dating sites, so it wasn't that hard.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I understand her desire to be exclusive. Before OLD, when you met someone, didn't you dedicate your energy to that person to see where it would go?

 

I multi-dated once and it sucked. Never again. After the first date, if it went well, I ask for a second and if there is mutual interest, I focus on that person and hope for the same.After each subsequent and consecutive date, I guage if things are going well and move on from there. Eventually, exclusivity talk is had....after 3-5 dates (?).

 

For women especially, I think it is a little worrisome and disconcerting to think that a guy is sleeping or kissing MULTIPLE women while dating her. Ugh.

[kgcolonel]

I understand her desire to be exclusive. Before OLD, when you met someone, didn't you dedicate your energy to that person to see where it would go?

 

I multi-dated once and it sucked. Never again. After the first date, if it went well, I ask for a second and if there is mutual interest, I focus on that person and hope for the same.After each subsequent and consecutive date, I guage if things are going well and move on from there. Eventually, exclusivity talk is had....after 3-5 dates (?).

 

For women especially, I think it is a little worrisome and disconcerting to think that a guy is sleeping or kissing MULTIPLE women while dating her. Ugh.

 

The disconcerting part goes both ways...someone recently posted on a different thread, that a guy wouldn't get too excited about kissing the mouth that was servicing another guy.....so it is not limited to the girls.

[DramaInPajamas]

You dont have to multi date you know.

 

If you meet someone you get on with and had a nice time with, is it really so hard to see how it goes and just see this person and this person alone?

 

If you dont get on or you decide not to pursue it, then what have you wasted a month or two, then you can go right back to dating.

 

I think multi dating is the cause of half of the problems today. Ghosting, etc. Because most people you see are treating dating like a candy store.

 

When I first started dating in my teens / twenties, it went without saying that they started seeing a person and they werent seeing anyone else. If we went on a few dates and we didnt work together, back out dating again. That is how it should be.

 

How can you ever develop a good rapport with someone if you are out with many different people all the time.

 

However after just one date, asking you not to muti date is fair enough, but the way she has gone about it sounds clingy.

Edited August 14, 2016 by DramaInPajamas

[TXGuy]

This sounds like the dangerous, controlling behavior of an abuser. If this is the kind of thing she is pressuring you into before you know each other, imagine how much worse it will get.

 

Delete, block, move on.

[Zeo828]

Thanks for all the responses and opinions.

 

So. I went out with her again and she eased my concerns. To paraphrase the gist of it all, she said "nothing is promised." She just asked that I am "willing" to give it a chance. She also asked me to be honest with her, and if something she said is bothering me that I should let her know and we can talk about it. She said that she felt bad that she gave me the impression that she was "pushing" me. She said of course we need to take it slow and get to know each other. She said this with calmness and respect.

 

I also thought of some comments on this forum and how some people said they like to date one person at a time as well. I can see where you can date one person at a time and it's not necessarily a commitment. I can be like that too if I am smitten with the woman and would like to just focus on her, as dating too many people at a time can be confusing.

 

However, the only issue I have in this particular situation is that my gut is telling me to not be boxed in right away. The thing is that I'm don't necessarily want to date other people at this point, I just want to be able to feel free to do so if the opportunity arises.

It's like buying a TV. You just don't buy the first one you see. You see what's right for you and in order to do that you shop around until you find a TV that is right. It's the same with dating someone, you would like to see what else is out there until you find someone you just feel like you would like to dedicate your time to more.

 

So I don't blame people for wanting to not multi date, but if the other person does then they should respect that too.

 

And like I said, I'm not looking to go on thousands of dates, at this point in our dating life I just want to be open to the possibility of others.

She's a nice woman. We sort of have the same temperament, we like quiet, and she even told me that we don't have to do any activity for a date (like bowling or dinner). Just spending time together in a park is enough for her. That does not mean that is all we will do, but she's low key and I like that about her. BUT I still don't know her, as she doesn't know me, so everything will be taken nice and easy.

Edited August 16, 2016 by Zeo828

[Charmed22]

Im really old school. I personally would not like to be dating someone while they are dating others. I don't like the idea of giving 100% my attention to one person while they are splitting their attention to other people. If I give 100% I expect 100% not any less so I can not personally date someone who multi dates and I make it known soon. If I am no longer interested or someone else catches my eye, I make the decision to break things off with the person I'm dating.

 

I had an issue where I tried multidating and mistook the careers of 2 men I was dating. I felt horrible about it and imagined if a guy mistook me for another girl I would not feel special. I also had an instance where one of the guys let me know that he had contracted an STI from a girl he was also dating. Thankfully I did not have sex with him up to that point and no longer wanted to see him.

 

The guy I'm dating currently wants to take things slow much like you. I agreed and after 3 weeks and 4 dates I requested that we be exclusive. We are still taking things slow as in we aren't having sex, spending every moment together etc. But we have an understanding that we both will focus only on getting to know each other without any distractions and if one of us changes our mind we will let the other know. Kinda sounds like this is what your girl means by asking you to be exclusive.

[preraph]

Tell her you won't have sex yet and then if you decide to, that's when it's time to be exclusive. Unless you're not looking for a gf, in which case, don't ask her out again.

[Zeo828]

Charmed22 Thanks for that. It helps me with my perspective on things.

 

As for SEX, no no. That is a long way from now in my opinion. I date because I want a girlfriend, not because I just want sex. And one of her complaints is that when she dates, it seems like all guys want is sex right away, and something she likes about me is that I am patient. Well of course I am, I am not here to have sex if I am not sure of a person. Kissing and maybe touching is OK.

 

We have been kissing, but SEX to me is something that I don't take lightly. I'm a man and I like it, but I'm not going to do that with a woman unless we are committed and I am SURE I like her 100 percent.

 

I have had sex with women in the past that I was not crazy about and I just felt too guilty and I said "never again." Most woman, and rightly so, take sex very seriously, so I am very mindful of that.

Edited August 16, 2016 by Zeo828