For women: How can you tune out whilst proclaiming your love daily?

[DK_Casus]

So, another relationship is down the drain after 1.5 years.

 

Wonderful girl, and I really loved her. I was never IN love with her, though - and I told her that I'm a slow-burn kind of guy. Heck, I'm 39 years old and I've only ever been in love once with a girl I "almost" got, but not.

 

Anyway, this girl - she was everything I ever wanted in a person. So happy and no-bull****. So openly caring - and always looking out for others. Always open about her feelings and always in touch with them. In many ways, she was everything I'm not.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm a loving guy - but due to some psychological abuse in my youth - I have a problem being in touch with my feelings. They're sort of "delayed" - and I tend to bury them whenever I'm at risk of being hurt. But I'm sensitive and empathic, and the well-being of others in my vicinity affects me, almost physically.

 

She was head over heels in love with me - and she wanted me, physically, more than I wanted her. I'm so sad to say that, but it's just the plain truth.

 

We had no sexual problems the first couple of months, but I soon realised that I just couldn't match her needs - and I didn't desire her on the same level.

 

She's a beautiful girl with a great face - but she has a bit of a weight problem, and after dropping hints for a year - I finally made the choice to be honest and tell her straight out that her weight had become a problem for me. We're talking around 25 pounds overweight.

 

The weight wasn't the whole issue though. I lost interest, partially, because she constantly wanted sex - and I felt horrible about having to reject her. It meant I rarely dared initiate anything, because I might be promising something I'd end up not delivering. I didn't want to hurt her even more by not completing the act.

 

But my weight comment was the killer - and I hate myself for having hurt her. But I'm a strong believer in truth and honesty, and I don't think it would have been better to make up excuses or try to come up with bull**** instead of truth.

 

In any case, it turns out that she started tuning out as soon as I said it.

 

But here's the kicker: I just didn't see it.

 

We were living together - and she'd tell me every single day how much she loved me with all of her heart, and very often she would talk about being so afraid of losing me - even though I assured her that I would never be the one initiating a break-up.

 

You see, to me, sex isn't everything. Obviously, I like it - and I can't do without physical intimacy. But emotional love is pretty much where it's at - for me. So I was ok with not having that much sex, and I told her that even if she one day got super fat, I would never leave - and I would always love her.

 

But, she tuned out - and she couldn't handle how I made her feel, and I don't blame her. She deserves to be happy - and she made the right choice if she can't be happy with me - and she obviously didn't want to commit to weight loss. She did try, though.

 

What really kills me, though, is how it came out of the blue - and just how distant she seems now. All the classic lines like "we can be friends" and "I don't love you in *that way*" and so on.

 

This kind of thing has happened to me before. I always seem to invest more than my partner, emotionally, it just happens slowly and I might not be that good at showing it all the time. They always seem to invest big-time early, and then - at some point - the reality of me just being a guy instead of this "dream person" they thought I was kicks in.

 

I guess that's fair enough, but it hurts like hell - and it always comes from nowhere. I mean, I get the process - but I don't understand why women can't communicate this kind of thing AS IT HAPPENS - instead of leading me on, making me trust in their love - until they're ready to just shut off completely.

 

It's so horrible - and I feel so empty and lonely now. I have some good friends, but I'm not good at sharing this kind of thing and bother them with it. I tend to use my parents as an outlet - but they're getting old, and I just don't want to bitch and moan around them.

 

I just wish I could talk to someone about this, now that my beloved has abandoned me. I know I drove her away - and she's better off with someone who desires her, sexually, even though I fear he might not have the other qualities she so loved about me. She's such a wonderful person - and she's an easy mark for someone looking to exploit a girl for his own benefit. I hope that doesn't happen.

 

In any case, I just wanted to vent.

 

Thank you for your attention.

[TexasGuy12]

Hey DK - so I'm going through my own ordeal as detailed in another thread, but I think I can offer pretty good advice when giving it to someone other than myself, and I think I can relate a lot to what you're going through.

 

In my relationship, I had a lot of the same thoughts that you had. She was older than me, and while I truly loved her, I would always have doubts. What would it be like to be with a younger girl? What would it be like to be with someone who didn't have so much drama? I never fully appreciated her until she is gone.

 

Our mind plays tricks on us. You want her now because she left. If she took you back, you'd have a small honeymoon period, and then the same issues would come up. You'd look at her and wish she wasn't as big. You'd have the same problems sex-wise. And then your mind would start to wander again and you'd get to the same point you were at before she left.

 

I think the fact that she left you hurt you and F'd with your ego and mind. That's what happened with me. You have to think back to the relationship and be comfortable knowing that when you had her, you weren't fully happy and satisfied.

 

As for how she can detach so quickly, that happened with me. As I said in another thread, she told me she was in love with me, the next day we broke up, and 21 days later she is one of the coldest girls I've ever spoken to. Apparently that happens quite a bit. They think about the break up for so long that when they finally do, they are emotionally detached.

 

I think when you said that about her weight it hurt her more than you realize. I've found that even innocent phrases or words can offend girls depending on how sensitive they are. They are very sensitive about their weight. Perhaps she felt you'd never love her for how she is weight-wise, and maybe she attributed your inability to match her sexual needs with her weight.