I wanna reconnect with my ex

[geronimo]

Ok I'm "in an altered state of mind" and I know I shouldn't but I really want to know. Lil back story, ex and I dated for 5 years but we were young she was 15 and I was 18 when we started dating and broke up a year and a half ago. She jumped into another relationship and I blocked and all that and nc but I still stalk her SM.

 

Anyways I know I shouldn't care and whatever but her and I didn't have sex and even when we did other sexual things she would be hesitant but we still did everything except sex. My problem now is she told me she didn't want to have it cuz she wanted to wait till marriage but I feel like she's done it with her new bf.

 

Her pictures online don't seem innocent anymore and she just has that mannerisms that women who have sex have. But from her SM I can tell that they fight and breakup a lot but I don't get why she's still with him (if she is) and if she isn't then why doesn't she contact me anymore . I can't believe I'm still stuck on this 1.5 years after.

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Edited August 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

Men tend to go through breakups a lot slower than women. Women move on faster while Men move on slower and sometimes they never completely move on.

 

However you are doing something wrong.. you have NC but you still check up on things! You are clinging to a past long gone and your thoughts are still with a person that is no longer there. Remember that people change and don't be in love with a person from your memory.

 

You are in love with pictures and memories and seeing that new person and how she changed only makes it worse for you. Block her if you feel the need to constantly check on her don't. You extended the time it takes to heal up by doing what you did.

[ExpatInItaly]

You already know why it's taking you so long to get over her - you're still watching her through social media.

 

Unless and until you stop doing that, you won't move on.

[geronimo]

I know it sounds like a bad idea but I still can't stop thinking about her. It's been about 2 years and I still want to be with her. We were together for about 5 years and she left me for someone else but I think they're now broken up. She did call me a month ago with a blocked number late at night but didn't say anything and a couple weeks ago she drunk called one of my friends (sadly after the 3rd call I figured out she was tryna reach one of her new bfs friends not me).

 

Anyways I wanna get Intouch with her again I feel like she's not doing it on purpose cuz I blocked her out of my life but I'm still not over her and if I can get back together with her I would.

[JewelD]

Why do you bring up the phone calls if you know they weren't really for you? So really, the only sign you have that you might have a chance is that she's now single again?

 

Two years is a long time. Maybe you're not over her, but she's over you and struggling to get over her current ex. Probably better to let this one go.

[sooshi]

If she called you only because she is no longer with someone else, she could be just lonely and see if you'd still be willing to provide her emotional support... but only for as long as she needs it. Then, when someone else comes along, she'd drop you--again.

 

She left you for someone else once. What makes you think that she wouldn't do that again?

[geronimo]

Sorry that was drunk me from last night. Anyways it is the truth I do want her back in my life but yea you guys are right she only did what she did cuz she's single again and probably wanted to get my attention.

 

I know I can't give her that satisfaction of reaching out to her and have to see if she will do it on her own and is genuine about reconciliation but reality of the situation is it's probably never gonna happen.

 

Just sucks cuz I loved this girl so much and I still miss her.

Edited August 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[geronimo]

Man I miss her so much. I feel so pathetic but I want to text her or call her and see how she's doing and talk to her. I miss her so god damn much.

 

I have to confess, I wasn't gonna say this but anyways, I ended up calling her with a blocked number and she picked up and said hello a couple times, snickered and hung up. I know she knows it's me cuz we used to do that to eachother (refer to previous posts regarding that) but yea she never called back, I was hoping she would either call me out or message me or something **** this sucks so badly

[Blanco]

Time to consider counseling.

 

I have struggled to move past every one of my relationships, so I understand that these things can take time. But at nearly two years post-breakup, you really shouldn't be still struggling so badly to get past this.

[geronimo]

I know I shouldn't be stuck on this 2 years later but I can't help it. It's not like this everyday but there are days that I miss her like crazy still.

 

I have been to counselling and did recieve therapy for a few months but it didn't really seem to do much for me so I stopped going. F*cking feel so helpless

[geronimo]

The worst part is, I feel like I should be able to do much better than her. She wasn't the greatest of girlfriends and she put me through a lot in terms of talking to other guys and being flirty and denying it. But the good times we had were so good and we were so young and innocent. That's what makes it so hard for it to get over. I know she's not even the same person anymore but I still miss the person she used to be and I wish I could get her back.

[Blanco]

I know I shouldn't be stuck on this 2 years later but I can't help it.

 

Yes you can. You admit as recently as a month ago that you still stalk her social media. How do you ever expect to disconnect if you're still keeping tabs on her life?

 

What are you doing to improve your life?

[preraph]

It's no coincidence you got all stirred up when you sensed another man in the picture. Who broke up with who?

[Blanco]

It's no coincidence you got all stirred up when you sensed another man in the picture. Who broke up with who?

 

I believe she ended it, but OP keeps starting new threads about this same breakup, so it's a little difficult to keep the facts straight.

[sooshi]

I know I shouldn't be stuck on this 2 years later but I can't help it. It's not like this everyday but there are days that I miss her like crazy still.

 

I have been to counselling and did recieve therapy for a few months but it didn't really seem to do much for me so I stopped going. F*cking feel so helpless

 

Did you try different therapists? Sometimes it takes trial and error to find a good match. If you only saw one and it wasn't a good match, then that's why you probably didn't get much out of it. Another important factor is whether you kept up with her in any way (social media, etc.) during that time.

 

You need to go no contact. Completely. No checking up on her social media. It's been truly hindering your ability to heal. No more comparing her vs you. You feel nostalgic about the relationship and who she used to be--unfortunately, she has moved on. She has not chosen you. She does not want to be with you.

 

I know, geronimo. It hurts. A lot. It's not what you want to hear. It's not what any of us wants to hear. But you need to hear this, let it sink in, and feel the pain. The only way to get past it is to go through it. It's time to accept the reality: She's not for you, you're not for her, and she's not coming back.

 

It's okay to feel what you feel. It's okay to miss her, sometimes like crazy. It's okay to love her. Love her and let her go. Wish her well in your mind. Allow her to live the life she chooses, and that life is without you. As you heal, you will find someone who is more in tune with who you are and what you want. You'll find someone more suitable. Someone you will choose and someone who will choose you back.

 

It'll happen. But right now, you need to go no contact. Completely. For us who have been doing no contact, we definitely wonder what our ex is up to, but we don't need to suffer the pain of seeing pictures, etc. of them with someone else, of them moving on without us, and so on. We let them live their life, and we can live ours.

 

Enjoy your time with yourself. Nourish yourself by drinking lots of water, connecting with nature, listening to your favourite music, eating your favourite foods, spending time with loved ones... treat yourself gently and with compassion.

 

Take care.

[preraph]

I believe she ended it, but OP keeps starting new threads about this same breakup, so it's a little difficult to keep the facts straight.

 

Thanks.

 

Then I'm just going to say that getting back together isn't ever going to happen. It's fine to keep some memories, but in order for them not to become a burden, you must create new memories by staying active in life doing the things you enjoy and staying social and busy and having fun, so that the memories don't take on a life of their own. Because it's a dead-end road. Good luck.

[geronimo]

Yes you can. You admit as recently as a month ago that you still stalk her social media. How do you ever expect to disconnect if you're still keeping tabs on her life?

 

What are you doing to improve your life?

 

I know what you mean but I have been trying to stop. Theres something in me that just wont freaking let go of her.

 

Honestly in the beginning after the breakup I really tried to improve my life, go to the gym, plan on taking dancing lessons, etc etc. really did not follow through with anything. Was going to the gym consistently for a while and then it fell through. I know I should focus on those things and try to improve my life instead of focussing on her, but I don't think that will change anything.

[geronimo]

Did you try different therapists? Sometimes it takes trial and error to find a good match. If you only saw one and it wasn't a good match, then that's why you probably didn't get much out of it. Another important factor is whether you kept up with her in any way (social media, etc.) during that time.

 

You need to go no contact. Completely. No checking up on her social media. It's been truly hindering your ability to heal. No more comparing her vs you. You feel nostalgic about the relationship and who she used to be--unfortunately, she has moved on. She has not chosen you. She does not want to be with you.

 

I know, geronimo. It hurts. A lot. It's not what you want to hear. It's not what any of us wants to hear. But you need to hear this, let it sink in, and feel the pain. The only way to get past it is to go through it. It's time to accept the reality: She's not for you, you're not for her, and she's not coming back.

 

It's okay to feel what you feel. It's okay to miss her, sometimes like crazy. It's okay to love her. Love her and let her go. Wish her well in your mind. Allow her to live the life she chooses, and that life is without you. As you heal, you will find someone who is more in tune with who you are and what you want. You'll find someone more suitable. Someone you will choose and someone who will choose you back.

 

It'll happen. But right now, you need to go no contact. Completely. For us who have been doing no contact, we definitely wonder what our ex is up to, but we don't need to suffer the pain of seeing pictures, etc. of them with someone else, of them moving on without us, and so on. We let them live their life, and we can live ours.

 

Enjoy your time with yourself. Nourish yourself by drinking lots of water, connecting with nature, listening to your favourite music, eating your favourite foods, spending time with loved ones... treat yourself gently and with compassion.

 

Take care.

 

I haven't, I only tried one person and she seemed really good but idk it didn't really help me. I don't really know how to find another one also I kinda don't have the funds to afford one atm. Also, I haven't stayed in contact with her, but I am guilty of checking her social media accounts here and there.

 

I hear you and I agree with what you're saying. Also I did do that, I wished her well and I tried to move on. I accepted the fact that she no longer loves me and she no longer wants to be with me. But for some reason I feel like the reason she did that was cuz; 1. the reason she broke up with me (her parents wont approve cuz of diff religions) and 2. the fact that she got into a relationship after we broke up.

 

But I feel like she needed this experience of being with another guy to know how well I treated her and she will be able to get over the parent thing now that she knows that. But sadly I was hoping she would realize that and contact me again to reconcile. However she hasn't done that, only a couple blocked number calls where she doesn't even talk. idk if she wants me to contact her since I was the one that blocked her off of everything. But at the same time I dont want to look like an idiot, cuz from her SM and a drunk call to my friend by accident indicated that her and her new bf broke up, but maybe they got back together. The thought of that also sucks cuz I know he's treating her like ****, yet she still chooses to be with him instead of me.

[geronimo]

Thanks.

 

Then I'm just going to say that getting back together isn't ever going to happen. It's fine to keep some memories, but in order for them not to become a burden, you must create new memories by staying active in life doing the things you enjoy and staying social and busy and having fun, so that the memories don't take on a life of their own. Because it's a dead-end road. Good luck.

 

Really? I have heard of stories about ex's coming back...sure it doesn't happen right away and I shouldn't dwell/count on it happening, but for the most part, i hear they come back/get in contact one way or another. I always felt we were too young and immature/inexperienced when we got together, but we still were able to stay together for 5 years.

 

But I shouldn't hold on to it hoping she will return some day cuz looks like that day is never going to come. I am trying to stay active and busy, my problem also is meeting women, I have gotten so much more self conscious after the breakup and didn't really put much effort into dating, plus I could lose a few pounds.

 

I just wish I could talk to her and see whats going on in her life and if she is truly done with me forever so that I'm not waiting around hoping for something to happen if/when its not gonna.

[sooshi]

You need to believe that she is done with you. The onus is on YOU to not wait around anymore and hope for something to happen. If she wants to reconcile, she knows how to reach you.

 

Checking her social media accounts here and there is impairing your own healing.

 

Focusing on your life and following through with the things you want to do, like going to the gym consistently, and taking dancing lessons, won't change anything if you're doing it all for her. If you're doing it for yourself, it'll improve your physical health. It'll improve your emotional health. It'll place the focus on YOUR health, on YOUR well-being, and reduce/remove your focus on her. You say that doing these things probably won't change anything--sure, they will. Maybe you meant they won't change anything with HER, in which case you're likely right. Telling yourself that doing certain things to improve yourself/your life probably won't change anything is self-sabotage.

 

You say you can't afford therapy right now. Fair enough. But you can try a dance lesson. Dancing is therapeutic. I'm sure you can try a first lesson for free or at a discounted rate. Try one and see how you feel. You can also go to the gym, or simply go for a walk/short jog. Exercise is therapeutic, too.

 

Don't want any longer for her; it only lengthens your suffering. You only have one life to live, and maybe you don't know it, but the person you've really been waiting for is you. Make the best of reconnecting with yourself. Make the best of the life you have before you.

 

Take care.

[preraph]

Really? I have heard of stories about ex's coming back...sure it doesn't happen right away and I shouldn't dwell/count on it happening, but for the most part, i hear they come back/get in contact one way or another. I always felt we were too young and immature/inexperienced when we got together, but we still were able to stay together for 5 years.

 

But I shouldn't hold on to it hoping she will return some day cuz looks like that day is never going to come. I am trying to stay active and busy, my problem also is meeting women, I have gotten so much more self conscious after the breakup and didn't really put much effort into dating, plus I could lose a few pounds.

 

I just wish I could talk to her and see whats going on in her life and if she is truly done with me forever so that I'm not waiting around hoping for something to happen if/when its not gonna.

 

She broke up with you, so she doesn't want you. If you'd broken up with her then maybe there's be a chance, but it was her. She doesn't want you and you're going to have to accept that she was not the right person for you. She knows that even if you can't accept it.

 

Lose some weight. Get back into activities and stop letting yourself live with this remote hope. She doesn't want to talk to you. You can't talk someone into loving you. I'm sorry. You need to face reality and move on.

[Blanco]

I know what you mean but I have been trying to stop. Theres something in me that just wont freaking let go of her.

 

Honestly in the beginning after the breakup I really tried to improve my life, go to the gym, plan on taking dancing lessons, etc etc. really did not follow through with anything. Was going to the gym consistently for a while and then it fell through. I know I should focus on those things and try to improve my life instead of focussing on her, but I don't think that will change anything.

 

You've got it all wrong. Sitting around moping about a girl who's been gone for almost two years won't change anything.

 

Accepting reality and focusing on yourself and your life will change something: YOU.

[BC1980]

I know what you mean but I have been trying to stop. Theres something in me that just wont freaking let go of her.

 

Honestly in the beginning after the breakup I really tried to improve my life, go to the gym, plan on taking dancing lessons, etc etc. really did not follow through with anything. Was going to the gym consistently for a while and then it fell through. I know I should focus on those things and try to improve my life instead of focussing on her, but I don't think that will change anything.

 

Letting go happens over time. At this point, it's normal to feel that you can't let go. If you keep on going to the gym and doing other activities, you will move on at some point. But you can't keep up with her on social media. Social media is so destructive after a breakup. It can really hold you back. You have to give this a lot of time.

[Blanco]

I'll be blunt: You can't move on because you don't want to. Moving on is difficult, but it's impossible until you actually want to.

[preraph]

Letting go happens over time. At this point, it's normal to feel that you can't let go. If you keep on going to the gym and doing other activities, you will move on at some point. But you can't keep up with her on social media. Social media is so destructive after a breakup. It can really hold you back. You have to give this a lot of time.

 

Yes, agreed, but it also doesn't happen if you don't try to make it happen. It takes self-discipline to change your behavior and move on until your emotions finally wane. They'll never wane if you let yourself continually dwell on the person. You have to get tired of being miserable and want to stop being miserable and make it change. It starts with just making yourself go out and carry on and have fun and do things and not letting yourself focus on her.