emily_m Posted August 13, 2016 Posted August 13, 2016 I'm feeling so confused and would really appreciate some advice. Some background info> my partner and I have been together for about a year and a half. Despite being 31 he's the first man I've ever said I love you to. He's an amazing person; he's caring, loyal, honest, confident and independent...basically everything I could ever have wished for in a man. We're both English but met in a different country and have continued to travel and are currently working/living in yet another country. We've discussed marriage and our futures together without hesitation, met each other's families, and I've never had any doubts whatsoever about us as a couple. Until now. For the past couple of months, I've really been missing the freedom of my single days. I have no desire to be with another man, but I just feel the need for space and like I want a break from being in a relationship in general. Again, it's got nothing to do with other men; I just feel a huge longing need for some alone time. We've been spending a LOT of time together recently as a result of being in a new place and not knowing many people. I feel an overwhelming amount of pressure, almost like he expects me to fulfil all of his emotional needs. Usually he'd spend some time apart from me with his friends, etc. I have spoken to him about this and we agreed we need to make more effort to do our own thing as well as spending more 'quality' time together. I think this balance in a relationship is crucial; in my opinion (and his), to have a healthy relationship is to have your own interests, time with friends, and to miss each other; enjoying and prioritising quality time together also. I feel terrible for saying it but at the moment he's just getting on my nerves. He's very independent but I feel he's becoming almost clingy and at times I just wish he'd leave me alone. My sex drive has pretty much disappeared, which adds more pressure, as his has not. There are only really two areas of our relationship that concern me. One> he's very laid back and sometimes I wish he had more drive and ambition. It's often me taking the lead when things need planning or booking, etc. This can be tiring. But I accept that that's who he is and I wouldn't try to change him. And two> we've never had a huge amount of sexual chemistry. I am so attracted to him, he's very handsome and usually we're really affectionate towards each other, constantly kissing and hugging and saying I love you. But when it comes to sex, he's not the most adventurous...it just kind of happens. However, I do appreciate that amazing sex doesn't necessarily equal an amazing person who you want to be in a relationship with. And any amazing sex I've had in the past has never equalled I love you. But I really do miss the feeling of passion and wanting to rip each other's clothes off I just want a night of hot, dirty sex! Is that an unrealistic expectation in a long term relationship?? *I must point out that I would never, ever consider cheating so that isn't an issue. I know it's all about communication and also about taking the lead and initiating something more adventurous once in a while. Fair enough. I feel so boring in bed right now it's unreal. And my usually high sex drive has been shot. It's a huge effort for me to even show an interest in sex, but I do really try to, for his sake. So, my question is; is it normal to get a bit fed up after a year and a half....and obviously after spending so much time together over recent months? Or, has our relationship run its course? Or do we need to make more of an effort and work harder on our relationship? I really do love and care for him and when I think of us breaking up I feel like it's so drastic and not what either of us would really want. I have spoken to him about how I'm feeling, yes, and after agreeing to spend more time apart, I feel it has helped slightly. But not entirely. I'm still feeling fed up and like I need space to be on my own for a while. The uncertainty is making me miserable. Can anyone please offer some insight? Thanks so much for reading
backandforth Posted August 14, 2016 Posted August 14, 2016 All I can do is tell what I would like to hear if I was him. I would like you to be completely honest with me. Tell him exactly what you are feeling and that if it comes down to a choice between taking some time for yourself or ending the relationship, you wanna take the time for yourself. That way he knows that you don't want to end things. You will definitely need to emphasise the point that this has nothing to do with being with anyone else. I mean, really emphasise it. Now, you will need to be prepared for a backlash. He will most likely be upset and think that you want to break up with him. Again, emphasise that you are doing this in order not to break up, but to stay together. I wouldn't even call it a break, just say you want some alone time to reconnect with yourself. Take any reaction he has to the news with a grain of salt. He will be upset, just let him be. If he's a good man, he will give you the time and look forward to you coming back a better person. At least I would. Hope this helps.
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