My bf parents say I'm not good enough for their son (update)

[Terry8889]

So my bf told me yesterday his parents don't like me bc they think I'm below him and he can do better.

They want someone with a PhD just like him even though they know I'm college.

They are encouraging and pushing him to date other women and forget about me.

 

They also told him he should date a white American women just like him. (I'm hispanic)

 

They are also afraid he will leave themail and move away once he gets serious with me and don't want to happen bc apparently they have a toxic attachment to their children, their other two kids married and moved away, they don't want that to happen to him too. (Btw he has his own house and is 32, I'm 28).

 

My bf also told me he would rather commit suicide than having to go back to the dating world again bc it sucks and he wasn't lucky until he found me. And that we will work through this issue and it will make our relationship stronger.

 

The thing is after he told me all this we hung up the phone bc he was out busy. An hour later he texts me saying: I love you!!! (For the first time ever since we started dating) so I said I love him back too. Then I didn't hear from him all afternoon. At 8:40 I sent him a text asking where he was and he never replied back. I waited until 10ish and sent another text saying hello and still did not get a reply back. Then I called and he didn't answer then i sent another text asking if he was breaking up with me and i didnt get an answer either so I really got worried bc of his comment earlier about suicide. Therefore I sent another text area midnight telling him to please say something that I loved him and I was worried about him, I wanted to know if he was okay. Then at almost 6am I received a text from him saying: Sorry I fell asleep. That's the last time I heard from him bc I haven't texted back and idk if I should.

 

Now idk what to think or what to expect, if I break up with him I'm afraid he won't be okay bc he mentioned suicide. Idk if that was just an expression or if he actually meant it. But if I keep waiting for him to come out of the cave and talk to me I'm gonna feel lost not knowing what he has in mind.

 

I understand he is in a very difficult position right now it's basically choosing between his parents or me. He is very close to them but he also wants to have his own life and family of his own.

 

Idk what to do or what to think anymore. If I keep trying to contact him for answers I feel like I'm pressuring him and he might end up getting depressed and doing something bad but if I decide to leave her might also become depressed bc he said he wants me in his life.

 

Any opinions or suggestions?

Edited August 12, 2016 by Terry8889

[SammySammy]

At 32 years old he needs to be a man and make his own decisions.

[smackie9]

He told you he was very busy, he got real tired and just went to bed, he's probably still real busy and doesn't have the time to discuss this serious issue with you. Give him his space, he will come around eventually. You can have a nice conversation about it when he sees you again...let it go for how, go out for lunch with the girlies have a good time.

[introverted1]

So my bf told me yesterday his parents don't like me bc they think I'm below him and he can do better.

They want someone with a PhD just like him even though they know I'm college.

They are encouraging and pushing him to date other women and forget about me.

 

They also told him he should date a white American women just like him. (I'm hispanic)

 

They are also afraid he will leave themail and move away once he gets serious with me and don't want to happen bc apparently they have a toxic attachment to their children, their other two kids married and moved away, they don't want that to happen to him too. (Btw he has his own house and is 32, I'm 28).

 

My bf also told me he would rather commit suicide than having to go back to the dating world again bc it sucks and he wasn't lucky until he found me. And that we will work through this issue and it will make our relationship stronger.

 

The thing is after he told me all this we hung up the phone bc he was out busy. An hour later he texts me saying: I love you!!! (For the first time ever since we started dating) so I said I love him back too. Then I didn't hear from him all afternoon. At 8:40 I sent him a text asking where he was and he never replied back. I waited until 10ish and sent another text saying hello and still did not get a reply back. Then I called and he didn't answer then i sent another text asking if he was breaking up with me and i didnt get an answer either so I really got worried bc of his comment earlier about suicide. Therefore I sent another text area midnight telling him to please say something that I loved him and I was worried about him, I wanted to know if he was okay. Then at almost 6am I received a text from him saying: Sorry I fell asleep. That's the last time I heard from him bc I haven't texted back and idk if I should.

 

Now idk what to think or what to expect, if I break up with him I'm afraid he won't be okay bc he mentioned suicide. Idk if that was just an expression or if he actually meant it. But if I keep waiting for him to come out of the cave and talk to me I'm gonna feel lost not knowing what he has in mind.

 

I understand he is in a very difficult position right now it's basically choosing between his parents or me. He is very close to them but he also wants to have his own life and family of his own.

 

Idk what to do or what to think anymore. If I keep trying to contact him for answers I feel like I'm pressuring him and he might end up getting depressed and doing something bad but if I decide to leave her might also become depressed bc he said he wants me in his life.

 

Any opinions or suggestions?

 

OP, are you always this anxious? It's not clear why you kept texting your bf, nor why you'd assume he was breaking up with you. Is there more to this story?

[Terry8889]

OP, are you always this anxious? It's not clear why you kept texting your bf, nor why you'd assume he was breaking up with you. Is there more to this story?

 

Because in our first break up he got very upset with me and he just stopped communication he never replied back to my texts, 2 months went by until he came back saying he was sorry.

 

I am anxious bc I hate uncertainty, idk if this is his way of breaking up or if he is just taking his time to think what to really do with his life and make a decision. He usually never goes to bed without saying good night and I know he checked his phone at some point of the night bc I know him, he just didnt want to answer.

[introverted1]

Because in our first break up he got very upset with me and he just stopped communication he never replied back to my texts, 2 months went by until he came back saying he was sorry.

 

I am anxious bc I hate uncertainty, idk if this is his way of breaking up or if he is just taking his time to think what to really do with his life and make a decision.

 

Uncertainty sucks, but hounding him with repeated texts is not likely to bring you any closer to your goal.

 

What does your relationship history look like with this guy? You mentioned a "first breakup." Have there been others? How long have you dated? When your bf said he'd rather commit suicide than go back to dating, what made you think that was a serious statement? Does your bf have emotional issues?

[Terry8889]

What does your relationship history look like with this guy? You mentioned a "first breakup." Have there been others? How long have you dated? When your bf said he'd rather commit suicide than go back to dating, what made you think that was a serious statement? Does your bf have emotional issues?

 

Well we have broken up a couple of times, the first one it was him when he stopped all communication the second one it was me but I communicated my thoughts about breaking up and it was clear for him what was happening.

 

Both times he came back to me wanting to reconnect. Since that second one we agreed to make things work out and compromised to make changes for the better. Since then everything has gone perfect, we improved many things and were already talking about kids, marriage, etc. But now the issue is not us, its his parents.

If we were to break up it should be bc a decision the two of us make, not a third person. The relationship is ours not theirs. And that is why I am upset and scared.

[Sunkissedpatio]

You have every right to be alarmed and to feel suspicious! There is lot not to trust about this situation.

 

My bf also told me he would rather commit suicide than having to go back to the dating world again bc it sucks and he wasn't lucky until he found me.

 

The thing is after he told me all this we hung up the phone bc he was out busy. An hour later he texts me saying: I love you!!! (For the first time ever since we started dating)

 

For starters he is telling you he is with you because he would rather die than go back to dating? I'm sorry but what happened to being with you because it's YOU. Being with you to avoid another situation is not the biggest compliment a person can pay you. I hope he just worded it funny and didn't meant what he said.

 

He has never told you he loves you face to face and after this particular discussion he tells you he loves you for the first time OVER TEXT? Then disappears....hmmmm....? In my books texting "I love you" for the first time doesn't count.

 

Besides these sketchy actions, what do his day-to-day actions tell you? How do you know his family doesn't accept you? Have you me them yet or has he told you all this?

[Terry8889]

You have every right to be alarmed and to feel suspicious! There is lot not to trust about this situation.

 

He has never told you he loves you face to face and after this particular discussion he tells you he loves you for the first time OVER TEXT? Then disappears....hmmmm....? In my books texting "I love you" for the first time doesn't count.

 

Besides these sketchy actions, what do his day-to-day actions tell you? How do you know his family doesn't accept you? Have you me them yet or has he told you all this?

 

Yup neither of us has never said it before, we have expressed other words and done other things to show affection. I know other couples would start saying I love you within a month, but that's just not us. So when he first said it I know it was a big deal for him and for me too. And yes I agree why would he said it and then disappear... I was overthinking and thought maybe thats his way of saying good bye (breaking up) or (suicide) therefore I freaked out and sent all those texts.

 

Btw I dont think he has emotional issues in general, he is a strong man and is very mature in many aspects of his life just except for his attachment to his parents which they have created since he came to existence. It seems like they are trying to keep control over him even though he is a grown ass man already. I also think suicidal comments should never be taken lightly or as a joke either.

 

I am also the third serious girlfriend he has had in his whole life, the one who has lasted the longest with and the second one he introduces to his parents.

 

His day to day actions tell me he wants to be with me, he said he might even think about selling his house and moving far away from his parents i they dont cut their crap and he is taking me with him in the process. He is sweet, loving, caring and always talks about us making plans for the future.

 

I have only seen his parents once, the night I met them everything seemed normal, but apparently they have been tormenting him about how they dont like me bc he deserves better and bc they dont want him to move away just like their other 2 children.

Edited August 12, 2016 by Terry8889

[Terry8889]

I didnt hear from him yesterday or today Saturday, idk If I will hear from him ever again Im heartbroken :'(

[MissBee]

Anyone threatening suicide or who you're afraid to be truthful with or leave because you're fearful they will kill themselves is NOT emotionally well and you can't ever have a healthy, transparent relationship.

 

It sounds like he has an unhealthy relationship with his parents and emotional issues that he has to seek help for, but I can't see how this relationship is a good idea given all you've said.

[Lois_Griffin]

Because in our first break up he got very upset with me and he just stopped communication he never replied back to my texts, 2 months went by until he came back saying he was sorry.

Call me nuts, but WHY would you take this assclown back after he completely cut all contact with you for two SOLID months????

 

How could you completely disrespect yourself to that level?

 

And when this emotional cripple comes back again in 2 or 3 months all he has to say is, 'I'm sorry!" with his fake crocodile tears and you'll be happy to take him back.

 

Again.

 

Smh.

[Terry8889]

Call me nuts, but WHY would you take this assclown back after he completely cut all contact with you for two SOLID months????

 

How could you completely disrespect yourself to that level?

 

And when this emotional cripple comes back again in 2 or 3 months all he has to say is, 'I'm sorry!" with his fake crocodile tears and you'll be happy to take him back.

 

Again.

 

Smh.

 

Yes you're right but I missed him and he kept pursuing me to get back together. I told him I had my doubts and he had to compromise to make different this time. And it actually happened, we grew closer, he changed for the better and everything was perfect until his parents met me and disapproved of me.

 

I understand his situation is difficult, he said he doesnt want to lose me bc of them but at the same time he is very close to his parents and he wouldnt want to deal with them being upset with us forever.

 

What I hate is him ignoring me and avoiding communication. I dont mind leaving him alone to think, but he has left me in the limbo wondering and over thinking things.

 

Should I just not contact him again, or should I say something?

[Terry8889]

Day number 3 and I haven't heard from him and idk if I should text him something. How can he say he loves me but forget about me so easy. I feel like I wanna die, I've been crying every night since Thursday

[stillafool]

Should I just not contact him again, or should I say something?

 

 

No, do not contact him again. He is obviously mulling over what his parents told him and you know what they say, blood is thicker than water. I think this guy is a wuss to let his parents interfere in his personal business at 32. Girl, I wouldn't even want him anymore.

[Terry8889]

No, do not contact him again. He is obviously mulling over what his parents told him

 

I know but I can't be in peace, I can't get closure, a conclusion. I would've preferred that he told me "you know what I can't deal with the pressure I'm sorry but I'm gonna take my time to sort things out in my life..." thats it but his silence is killing me inside.

 

So should I just not contact him ever again?

[Zapbasket]

Sorry but this guy sounds

 

Putting aside saying, "I love you" for the first time via text and then immediately going AWOL on you for several days, what the hell was this guy thinking reporting to you what his parents said? You didn't need to know that; he needed to decide how HE felt and then set boundaries with his parents. And he could have done both those things without ever making you privy to what his parents might think of you. I guarantee you they did not tell him their thoughts about you expecting he would spill it all to you. How thoughtless of your guy. And it's thoughtless at best. It also could be that he said this because it's what HE thinks, too--that he can do better than you.

 

I'd let this one go. He sounds like he really has issues and someone considerate of your feelings wouldn't text his first "ILY" and blab to you all the negative stuff his parents said about you. Sorry: he sounds like a loser, frankly.

 

YOU are the one who can do better.

[Eighty_nine]

Sorry but this guy sounds

 

Putting aside saying, "I love you" for the first time via text and then immediately going AWOL on you for several days, what the hell was this guy thinking reporting to you what his parents said? You didn't need to know that; he needed to decide how HE felt and then set boundaries with his parents. And he could have done both those things without ever making you privy to what his parents might think of you. I guarantee you they did not tell him their thoughts about you expecting he would spill it all to you. How thoughtless of your guy. And it's thoughtless at best. It also could be that he said this because it's what HE thinks, too--that he can do better than you.

 

I'd let this one go. He sounds like he really has issues and someone considerate of your feelings wouldn't text his first "ILY" and blab to you all the negative stuff his parents said about you. Sorry: he sounds like a loser, frankly.

 

YOU are the one who can do better.

 

I agree, there was no need for him to tell you what his parents said.

 

You can text if it would help you move on to know its over / or to see that he ignores it. This guy isn't worth your time. Sorry

[Terry8889]

I agree, there was no need for him to tell you what his parents said.

 

You can text if it would help you move on to know its over / or to see that he ignores it. This guy isn't worth your time. Sorry

 

To the above replies actually he had been hiding it from me bc he hinted some things in the past but I thought it was related to their parents issue with their older children moving away. The couple is about to retire so I kinda understood they don't want the family broken.

 

But on Wednesday it's like it all exploted bc I had no idea about all of it I really thought his parents liked me but I was so wrong.

 

He also said his parents have some issues in the marriage, his mom is controlling. He said if we actually breaks free from them, sells his house and moves away there is a high probability that they might get divorced too

 

It is like he didn't want to tell me all the stuff they were saying at the beginning but it got so bad that it all exploded. He obviously had to give me reasons at some point as to why things were out of place and the pressure he had on him. He said I was the only one who understandsaid him and he wanted me to be his strength, but then all of a sudden he's gone. I wish I can get some closure to heal but idk how to.

[KatZee]

I don't know why you're even crying over this guy, he sounds like a straight up stunted idiot.

 

You don't even have a solid, healthy relationship in the first place. I'd honestly be throwing a party that he's finally gone, and hopefully for good.

 

What dude at 32 doesn't even know how to communicate like a human being, still lives under his mothers skirt, and pulls the ghost game?

 

This isn't a man in any way, shape or form. He's not husband material, he's not father material. Why do you want this person back? What benefit does he bring to your life? From what I see here, he brings you pain, insecurity, an unstable relationship, a toxic family life, prejudiced parents.

 

I think you're a crutch, nothing more. He'd rather be with someone, than be with no one and deal with dating. That's about it. He's left numerous times before, and falls back to you because he's not finding anyone else. Wow, how flattering!

 

I say good riddance.

[Terry8889]

I say good riddance.

 

Yes you're so right

 

The weird thing is that last time I spoke to him on the phone he said that his mom told him about this job opening at her workplace for me to apply. I don't get it if she doesn't like me why would she want me to have me around her job and if he was using his parents as an excuse to get rid of me why would he want me to work next to his mom??

 

He also mentioned his mom said they are concerned about me having too much time to pursue him. Idk even know what she meant by that. They also insisted he take piano and sax lesson (which he just did a couple a weeks ago) I thought he got the lessons bc he wanted not bc it was his parents idea.

 

I am wondering if these people were trying to get us busy with other stuff so we wouldn't have time to spend with each other.

[anika99]

You say he doesn't have any emotional issues, the only problem is his attachment to his parents. As if that's not a HUGE emotional issue! Not only that he goes silent on you and he told you he doesn't want to go back to the dating world, not because he has found you, the love of his life, but because he wasn't very successful with women.

 

They say history is the best predictor of the future. This guy has done this to you twice now and there has already been two breakups. Do not take him back. His comment about not being lucky with women in the past really disturbs me, especially when combined with his just going silent on you for days/months at a time. I suspect he is still trying his hand in the dating world and you are his faithful backup when he fails with other women.

 

He isn't the one for you and the problem with his parents is a huge on that will only get worse for you so don't waste anymore of your valuable time on this one. He isn't worth it. Have yourself a good cry, spend some time grieving, and then be glad that you are rid of this untrustworthy manchild.

[Terry8889]

You say he doesn't have any emotional issues, the only problem is his attachment to his parents. As if that's not a HUGE emotional issue! Not only that he goes silent on you and he told you he doesn't want to go back to the dating world, not because he has found you, the love of his life, but because he wasn't very successful with women.

 

The truth is I haven't been successful finding a decent man either. All the guys I met in the past were only interested in sex and bc I didn't give it to them they just left me, others were too immature, others were interested in me but I didn't like them, etc.

 

I liked this one bc he doesn't have any cigarette, alcohol, party habits. He is an active member of church, educated and that is what I wanted for me and the possible children. We also had tons of things in common so I thought it was worth fighting and waiting for him, I hoped one day he'd realize what he needs in his life is me.

 

So when he came back things were going great this time, I felt he was genuine and wanted to stay with me for good. He said he thought he has found his life partner that he liked me and loved spending time with me, we never had sex though he wanted to wait for marriage. He said we will just wait for things to fall into place and we will get married and I will move in with him in his house. Everything was going perfect until I met his parents and they got involved.

 

But while everything was perfect with him, other things were going bad in my life like I suddenly had to move out of my apartment bc the landlord had his house going to foreclosure, I couldn't find a place fast enough and I had to move in with a friend and her two small kids. At the same time my very old car broke down, had to be junked and I had to find and buy another one. I didnt have a place to store my stuff and my father denied his help to store some of my stuff in his living room until I find a place, etc. Idk if that could also have contributed to this mess. Idk if he told all this to his parents and they assumed I am just a heavy baggage that they don't want their son to take and deal with. I also feel like I cant take care of myself but this things that happened were outta my control.

 

I don't have my own home, I don't have a nice new car, I'm still finishing up school. All these things have an impact on my self steem too, I wish I could have more good things going on in my life but all my life I've had to struggle even to get to where I am now. My past was worst in terms of financial stability. I feel like I do my very best and still can't get higher and reach the point what I want to be.

[stillafool]

I know but I can't be in peace, I can't get closure, a conclusion. I would've preferred that he told me "you know what I can't deal with the pressure I'm sorry but I'm gonna take my time to sort things out in my life..." thats it but his silence is killing me inside.

 

So should I just not contact him ever again?

 

He should be contacting you at this point. No don't contact him. Make him be a man and tell you what's going on. When he does come back tell him you won't put up with his silence any longer. Tell him from now on if he has a problem either talk to you about it or don't contact you anymore. He acts like a 10 year old instead of a man of 32.

[stillafool]

Yes you're so right

 

The weird thing is that last time I spoke to him on the phone he said that his mom told him about this job opening at her workplace for me to apply. I don't get it if she doesn't like me why would she want me to have me around her job and if he was using his parents as an excuse to get rid of me why would he want me to work next to his mom??

 

He also mentioned his mom said they are concerned about me having too much time to pursue him. Idk even know what she meant by that. They also insisted he take piano and sax lesson (which he just did a couple a weeks ago) I thought he got the lessons bc he wanted not bc it was his parents idea.

 

I am wondering if these people were trying to get us busy with other stuff so we wouldn't have time to spend with each other.

 

I'm starting to think your bf is lying about his parents and saying things he wants to say to you but using their name. TELL HIM, to not tell you any more things his parents say about you.