Coping with the breakup - was it my fault?

[ej_hansen]

Hi all, this is my first post in here, so bear with me if it's not done totally right

 

I met this girl back in October 2015, and pretty quickly I totally fell for her! I'm 22 and she is 21. Neither of us had never had any boyfriend/girlfriend before, so many things was kind of new for us. Pretty quickly the relationship became very close, and I really felt like the happiest guy ever, and she was just what I had waited for. We had so much in common it's crazy! We had an amazing time dating and getting to know each other, and I really fell in love with her. She had never had sex before, so she wanted to postpone that, but 1.5 month into the relationship we did it for the first time. I've had sex before, but i'm not super experienced in that area either. Anyways, all went well and in the end of December, two months after we met, I asked her if we should become like official boyfriend and girlfriend, and she said yes. I should say that even though we both really enjoyed being with each other, I sometimes had this feeling that I wanted it all a little bit more than she did.

 

My dad had his 60th birthday in January, and the whole family was invited for a big party. I really wanted my new girlfriend to come too, so I asked if she wanted and she said yes. She met my parents in the beginning of January. But then four days before the birthday party, she called and said we had to talk. She came home to me, said she just couldn't come to the party, and ultimately broke up with me. I was devastated, and tried to convince her to be with me, but nothing changed her mind.

 

After that I was in quite bad shape and I was really sad. The following Friday I send her a long text message saying how much I missed her and so on, and in the middle of the night she called me and said she was outside of my apartment. She had been out in town, and had a couple of beers, but she wasn't drunk in that way at all. I let her in, and we told each other how much we had missed each other, and we ended up kissing and cuddling the whole night, no sex though. The next morning we talked a little about what this meant and she said she had to think about the whole thing for the next couple of days, but she would call me. She called me a few days later, with the message that she couldn't see us getting back together and that she had just missed me the night she came to my apartment, and that the text I sended had just made her reminiscing the good times, and that was all that was.

 

In the last couple of month we have hung out a few times, and on one occasion we have actually ended up kissing. I texted her a few days later if she wanted to meet again in the following week, but she told she was busy, blah blah.. Last time we saw each other was last week, and it just felt akward and uncomfortable in a way, like at the end we really hadn't much to talk about..

 

As you may have interpreted I tried to win her back for some time, but I know now that we won't get back together and I think i'm actually okay with that now, especially after how it was last time we saw each other. But I still can't get over the feeling that what we had back in the first couple of months was so right and so good! And here 6 month after the breakup, I still mourn it, and the worst part is, I feel like I maybe have pressured her too much, with the invite to the birthday party coming way too early and just rushing the relationship, so I kinda blame myself for why it didn't work out. It's like, I keep finding all these things I could have done differently, and if I had just done that, we would still be together

 

As i mentioned she was my first real girlfriend, so I haven't experienced a breakup before, but how do I cope with the feeling that it may have been my faults that let to the breakup cf. the rushing the relationship? (If it was any of my faults really?) I just can't let go of the feeling that I had this amazing and wonderful girl, but then it just ended before it really had started.

 

I used to be this funny and motivated guy with a lot of goals, but now I just feel like i walk around missing her the whole day.. And sometimes i feel like such a loser for still having it this way here over a half year after it ended..

 

God, love hurts sometimes.... :(

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Edited August 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs~T

[The_Good_Me]

Hey ej_hansen

 

I'm really sorry that you're going through this bud. Reading your post was really sad, its awful losing someone you connected with so well, especially your first.

 

For what its worth I think you're handling the situation very maturely. It's good to hear you've reached a stage where you accept its over and feeling ok about that part, that's a huge step forward so give yourself credit for getting that far.

 

I would say the next step for you is to not beat yourself up over what you're perceiving to be mistakes made during the relationship. It's natural as a dumpee to evaluate the relationship and think about what one could have done better or differently. You've already highlighted that you might not have done anything wrong and that could well be the case. Sometimes even when our exes tell us why they broke up with us we can be left doubting and still look for other things we did that may have contributed to the breakup. I know its hard but please don't blame yourself, you haven't abused this girl afterall.

 

It sounds like you still have some contact with this girl as you saw her last week. This contact is going to stop you from being able to move on. I'm sure you will have read that NC (No Contact) is the way to go and I can't stress enough how important it is for you in order to heal. You say you feel like a loser that you still feel this way 6 months later. Please don't feel like that, you're not a loser bud. One of the reasons you still feel this way after 6 months is because of the contact you've had with this girl. Had you gone NC straight away you would have spent 6 months healing but essentially you've only really had 1 week.

 

Even if you went strict NC now and you still mourned the end of the relationship 6 months later, there is still no reason to call yourself a loser. It takes us all as much time as it takes to heal from a breakup with someone we held so close to our hearts so really please don't beat yourself up over it.

 

You sound like a great guy who has a lot to offer in a relationship, and when you're ready, you will get another chance to love and be loved by someone.

 

In the meantime, you need to take care of yourself, lean on your friends and family for support and I promise you'll get back to being that funny motivated guy you were before and still are deep down beneath the pain you're feeling now.

 

I wish you all the best my friend.

[ej_hansen]

Hey The_Good_Me, thanks for the reply man!

 

I know I should stop beating myself up, but as you rightly say, it's so freaking hard to stop that! Her reason for breaking up was that she just didn't felt the spark and that something was missing for her. But still to this day, I have a hard time believing that, because I just don't think we could have had what we had, if she didn't had those feelings for me, so I guess that's way I can't stop looking for different answers..

 

As I described, it really sank in last week when we met up for coffee, that we wouldn't get back together, and that it wouldn't be good, fun or anything for any of us if we did. So by realizing that, i'm now ready to go NC - although to think I might never see her again really makes me sad and is just the strangest feeling ever..

 

I just feel like I haven't got the closure I wanted (and needed..), because I still have so many unanswered questions to why she broke up, and why we couldn't make it. And I really think that it will take a long time before I find a girl who matches me on so many levels, and with whom I have so much in common, like I had with her.

 

I know we all make mistakes, and the fact that we both were inexperienced when it comes to relationships didn't helped us either. Maybe i rushed things a little bit, and at the same time she wasn't very good at saying how she felt about "us", until she broke up, and it was all too late. But I still can't let go of the feeling that we both missed out on something that could have been so great and beautiful, and that it all stopped before it even really had started.

 

But I guess that's what it is about girls - you can't live with them, but you sure as hell can't live without them..

Thanks again for the words man - it really did put a smile on my face, in a rough time!

Edited August 12, 2016 by ej_hansen

[The_Good_Me]

Yeah its really hard to stop beating yourself up about it, unfortunately there is no quick-fix for that. You just gotta go through all these emotions and thoughts and know that in time things will become easier, that includes missing your ex, blaming yourself, feeling angry etc, it all dissipates in time. Its not much of a comfort I know as we still have all that time ahead of us. Just gotta take it one day at a time.

 

You're in a similar boat to me and many others, one day everything is ok and the next its suddenly over with words like "I don't feel the same way anymore" or "the spark has gone" or "I need space" etc. My ex & I had just booked a romantic trip away and she invited me to her friends birthday so everything seemed to be great. The next morning she mysteriously dumped me. Maybe she felt things were moving too quickly, maybe another guy started messaging her, it doesn't really matter in the end what the reason because the only thing that is real and I know for certain is she decided that I wasn't for her anymore and its something I've had to take on the chin and accept no matter how painful. Saying that, it doesn't stop me endlessly thinking about the reasons why, analyzing the relationship and wondering if things could have been different. Our own minds can be our worst enemies at times.

 

It's been nearly 1 month since she dumped me, I didn't try to persuade her to take me back, I just accepted her decision and told her not to be sorry about anything. I was crushed obviously but I've learned from previous relationships that trying to keep your ex doesn't work, I'm sure there are exceptions but from what I've read on here and elsewhere on the net, the chances are extremely slim. I felt a bit better a couple of days later so took the opportunity to exchange items, I'm glad that was done quickly. She messaged me about once a day after that for around 3 days but I ignored her messages because they were just what I call "nothing messages" - they weren't about getting back together so there was no point in replying, we'd said our final goodbye when we exchanged items and for me that was the start of my recovery.

 

I didn't want to talk about my relationship here on your thread but I felt it necessary to highlight that as its now been around 3 weeks NC for me, I blame myself less for the things I perceived I did wrong in the relationship, I miss her a bit less than I did, I'm less frustrated than I was and I can start to feel the effects of time easing my pain. I still feel like I have a way to go yet but its a good start.

 

I have no doubt that with more time you'll start feeling better about everything as well.

 

The person that is right for you in the long run, whether its your ex or one of your next girls, they will want to be with you even when you make the odd little mistake here or there, they will accept and love you for who you are faults included. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now, there is someone better out there for you, or a better version of your ex later down the line.

 

Right now, keep taking each day one step at a time, keep working on yourself, lean on your friends and family for support and focus on doing the things that make you happy. You'll get through it bud!

[ej_hansen]

Sorry to hear you're also going through this - it totally sucks man! "Our own minds can be our worst enemies at times", just nails it - that is so true, and I can totally relate to that right now!

I think it's so strange when breakups just comes out of the blue - like I just don't get how someone can so drastically change the way they see and feel about you overnight, as long as you haven't done anything hurtful to them.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, and you're right - time WILL heal us both!

Thanks for the help and all the kind words!

[DevotedBaker54]

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time with your break up. Moving on is really hard to do, especially when it seems like your mind won't stop thinking about your ex. Maybe if you start doing more activities, and getting more involved in things, your mind won't have so much time to think about her.

Don't torture yourself over all the things you could have done differently! Maybe just learn something from it and apply it to your next relationship. That's why we date so many people! You learn something from your break up and hope to do better next time