2 months since being dumped, where do I go from here?

[nyalakampala]

My ex and I dated for a bit more than a year. He dumped me 2 months ago at the beginning of summer break.

 

We go to the same college, I'm a year ahead of him. We met during my sophomore year (his freshman year). He's had a rough time with school. Grades haven't been great, he's failed a couple classes, trouble settling on a major, etc. He looked to me for a lot of support with homework and knowing which classes to take and whatnot throughout my junior year, which I gladly supported him with throughout spring semester.

 

This sometimes came with frustrations, however. He and some of our other friends took up smoking weed. I would get annoyed with him when he would prioritize getting high before getting his homework done, and sometimes even blowing off or delaying plans he previously made with me to go smoke.

 

There were other little things I would get annoyed with as well. He would constantly be late to things, I've had to take care of him when he's gotten drunk. He rarely cared about going out to do things with me but would always gladly make the time to cuddle late at night. I either just put up with it and got over it quickly or needed to distance myself for a while and then talk about it later. He kept apologizing to me and saying that he wished he had more time to spend together, even though when he did have the time, he tended to do so with other people.

 

Towards the end of this past school year, I recall him casually mentioning to our friend group that he wanted to take the summer to work on getting his life together and such. And I was glad that he wanted to do that.

 

Early in summer break, he and I and a few other friends went on a weekend getaway. I really enjoyed most of it, and I know he did too. However, I wasn't in a good mood the last day we were there, I basically had an emotional breakdown and I was virtually silent on the drive back home. 5 hours later, he calls me to say that he wants to work on himself, getting it together with school and work, and that he didn't think he could do that and do a serious relationship at the same time. He said he wanted to just be friends. I was shocked, hurt, I felt like this came out of nowhere.

 

I didn't think that wanting to work on yourself meant needing to break up with your girlfriend, but so it goes.

 

It just felt so ironic that he dumped me to get it together with school and career goals when I've been the one helping him to do exactly that.

 

Anyway, I didn't really know what to say during this conversation. It was short, most of the words out of my mouth consisted of "uhhhh". I asked if we could talk about it in a few weeks (this was about an hour before he was leaving on a family vacation, and I wouldn't be able to contact him, which just makes the timing even crappier). He agreed to it.

 

3 weeks passed, this is well after he's gotten back from his vacation, and he hadn't contacted me. I still felt like crap, and looking back on it, I knew I wasn't in any good emotional state of mind to have a mature conversation with him. So I haven't contacted him, and he hasn't contacted me since.

 

So now it's been 2 months. Even though it would be nice for us to try and work things out, I've come to peace with the unlikeliness of that happening. It came across my mind one day: Is he waiting for me to contact him to talk? Considering that I was the one to request we have a conversation at a later date? Am I supposed to contact him about this? How do I go about that?

 

We had a lot of good things going on, and we spent a lot of enjoyable time together. He's a good guy, very caring when I'm feeling down, and I get that considering his first 2 years in college so far, he wants to take time to get it together. And I hope that he's actually doing that. But part of me still wonders if my emotions that day are actually to blame for this breakup. It just seems like such a rash thing to do, and I didn't really ever get any indication of him wanting to break up, but I guess life has a way of slapping you in the face sometimes...

 

I know our communication probably wasn't the best either, and probably most of that was on my end due to me ignoring the annoyances instead of confronting them. In hindsight, I wish we could have discussed things.

 

I want to contact him. I want to apologize for my mistakes in the relationship and at least talk about how we're going to act around each other, whether that's being friends or just being civil when in the same room. We have the same friends, so seeing each other again is inevitable.

 

So, I could really use some honest opinions on my situation. Some days I break down crying just at the thought of it, and other days I don't think about it at all. Hearing what other people think will definitely put my mind at ease. Thank you in advance

[nyalakampala]

Anyone? Please?

[joyful]

so sorry that you are hurting.

 

i think that the relationship ran its course for your ex. i know it feels like something has to go wrong for a relationship to end, but sometimes people leave relationships because they feel ready to do so. it sounds like your ex leaned heavily on you and then became a bit more independent with a new group of friends. he is now ready to try life without your relationship.

 

it isn't fun and it isn't fair. and it really isn't anyone's fault.

 

i don't think you should reach out to your ex. he hasn't reached out to you because he meant what he said about not being in a relationship with you right now. you now have two months of healing to your credit. just keep on moving on...

[nyalakampala]

Thanks. I really appreciate the input. Yes, it really does suck. Just not having a lot of answers and whatnot, but things will get better eventually I guess.

[LD1990]

You're a bit vague about your emotional breakdown. How bad was it?

 

From the sounds of it, your ex just wasn't that into the relationship anymore. The fact that he broke things off with you and hasn't gotten back in touch tells you all you need to know. Keep in mind that he's young, this is usually what happens (I know you're young too, the reality is these relationships typically just don't work out).

 

Don't contact him to apologize. Why should you? It's not like he was out there winning the perfect boyfriend award. You had to help him do basic things like pick classes and do his homework, he blew you off to smoke weed, and you'd have to take care of him while he got drunk. If anything, it sounds like you were being a good girlfriend while he acted like a lazy, inconsiderate loser.

[nyalakampala]

You're a bit vague about your emotional breakdown. How bad was it?

 

I sat there crying for a while before we left. When he asked me what was wrong, I didn't respond, and he just let me be until it was time to go home. Didn't say much to him or anyone else the whole ride back. No yelling or anything like that though. It's more of an internal breakdown than an external one I guess.

 

The fact that he broke things off with you and hasn't gotten back in touch tells you all you need to know.

 

I initially thought he was going to call to ask how I was doing because of earlier and we could discuss. I just needed some space and then I'm ready to talk. But then he hit me with the breakup. When he said we could be friends, I said "ok, well we would need to set some boundaries for that to work, so what did you have in mind?" He didn't have a clue. So due to his crap timing (which he acknowledged) and not knowing what he wanted, I proposed that we talk about it after he got back from his family vacation, which he agreed to.

 

Is it possible he was actually waiting for me to make the contact for that conversation and that's why he hasn't contacted me? Or am I just being delusional...

[LD1990]

If he wanted to talk to you, he would contact you. If you're wondering if he's sitting around wanting to talk but waiting for you to make the first move, the answer is no. When I really want to talk to some one, I pick up the phone and text or call them.

 

"Let's be friends" is the timeless cliche garbage that people say, but it's rare that they actually intend to follow through with it. The fact that he didn't have an answer when you questioned him about it shows that he was just saying it to be nice. It's for the best, though. Friendship with an ex almost never works out and it just holds you back from moving on with your life.

[nyalakampala]

If he wanted to talk to you, he would contact you.

 

He texted me today. Just one of those general hey how's your summer kind of texts. Haven't said anything back to him yet but ugh how do I even respond to that?

[joyful]

He texted me today. Just one of those general hey how's your summer kind of texts. Haven't said anything back to him yet but ugh how do I even respond to that?

 

i don't think you should respond to such a casual text. he knows what happened and that you are likely hurting/healing. he is just trying to clear his conscience so that he can keep moving on with his life.

 

if he really had it in him to be a good friend to you, he would have been a good boyfriend already. and he wasn't.

[preraph]

He's just not ready himself to have a good relationship. He has some work and growing to do. Please don't wait around for him to perfect himself. Might never happen. Start dating around. Good luck.

[Formerfiveo]

He texted me today. Just one of those general hey how's your summer kind of texts. Haven't said anything back to him yet but ugh how do I even respond to that?

 

 

If it's too hard on you to just ignore it (I understand that feeling) then reply in a light, detached manner. Something like, "It's going great, thanks for asking."

[privategal]

READ THE NO CONTACT GUIDE (top of page).

Then answer your question yourself...should you reply to that? Does he have the right to know anything about you now?

Don't allow an ex to disrespect your healing and moving on by confusing you with polite texts.

He has moved on but it sure would be a great ego boost if he can't know WHILE he moves on that you are cool with him and he can drop in and out if bored/gets dumped/needs attention/wants to feel less guilty.

Don't allow it.

Notice he didn't ask anything heartfelt or wonder how your health and wellbeing is. Nope.

How is your summer is as thoughtless and lame of a question as it gets.

Block him.

Do not reply at all.

[KristyD]

I generally think when someone says they can't be in a serious relationship because they need to get their act together, it generally means they don't want to be with you anymore. It's kind of a wishy washy way of ending things that makes them feel less cruel.