Is this a normal reaction?

[laka23]

Hello there, well I have posted my situation on LDR discussion but I want to ask something more specific, and if you are a guy I truly appreciate your point of view. Just for you to understand me a little bit more here goes a fast version of my story. I have a relationship with this guy for about 2 years (we are also engaged) 2 weeks ago he moved out to another country because of work. He now has deleted all of our pictures on FB even our engagement pictures, unfriended my family, and re-added this girl his dad wanted him to meet for about a year ago. I asked him what happened with our pictures because even facebook notified me that he removed our anniversary date, he just kept like 3 pictures (normal pictures not kissing or hugging). I know its just facebook, its stupid but that kind of hurt LOL. He texts me very often, sometimes he is very sweet, other times he is weird and if I ever ask him if he feels ok or if I tell him I'm worry about us, he gets very mad and he says he doesn't want me to annoy him with that crap and somehow I always end up apologizing. If he is talking to other girls I don't really think is with that girl but he is definitely making me feel insecure.

 

 

HERE IS MY REAL QUESTION (mostly for guys, and girls too obviously all advices are truly appreciated)

 

 

IF your girlfriend (or boyfriend) ask YOU why you are acting some specific way or why you did something (like deleting everything) WOULD you find that really annoying or LIKE stalking you? OR would you explain and make her (or him) feel OK??

 

 

I know that NO ONE wants to be with an insecure person, I don't consider myself like that, but somehow he is making me feel insecure (even thought he doesn't like anybody else, in some way he is making me like I am no longer priority in his life, like if we keep dating ok and if not that is also ok)

 

 

I don't know maybe I'm just not that strong..? sorry for my English!

[Scrab22]

Man speaking.

As for me, I wouldn't find your question weird. Heck, I wouldn't even delete your relatives and pictures.

But if FB is no big deal, then why did he take such actions anyway? I personally think it's legitimate to know about this.

I know asking about this can radiate insecurity, but keep in mind - even though it's just Facebook, he did take the time to delete all the pictures and your relatives.

If he's reacting with anger instead of giving an answer, then he's hiding something, either something he's doing or his inner feelings.

 

And why did his dad want him to meet a girl a year ago, if the both of you were in a relationship?

Edited August 12, 2016 by Scrab22

[clia]

What did he say when you asked him why he removed the pictures and unfriend end your family?

[laka23]

Man speaking.

As for me, I wouldn't find your question weird. Heck, I wouldn't even delete your relatives and pictures.

But if FB is no big deal, then why did he take such actions anyway? I personally think it's legitimate to know about this.

I know asking about this can radiate insecurity, but keep in mind - even though it's just Facebook, he did take the time to delete all the pictures and your relatives.

If he's reacting with anger instead of giving an answer, then he's hiding something, either something he's doing or his inner feelings.

 

And why did his dad want him to meet a girl a year ago, if the both of you were in a relationship?

 

 

 

We kind of had problems at that time and we where on a break so his dad wanted him to meet this girl!

 

 

Yeah all what you are saying is true! even if FB is not a big deal he did it!

[laka23]

What did he say when you asked him why he removed the pictures and unfriend end your family?

 

 

 

I asked about the pictures and he said I was bothering him and that I was acting like a police controling him and stuff like that. He got really mad, I havent said anything about my family, he thinks i dont know,

[BaileyB]

This sounds crazy! You are engaged to him!! First, he shouldn't be removing your photos and unfriendliness your family. Second, he shouldn't be offended by your question - unless he had something to hide!!

 

Something is very not right here. I would say, if someone I was engaged to did this to me... Facebook or not... We wouldn't be engaged anymore. It would raise some big questions for me and it would be a pretty serious discussion...

[Els]

What he did is extremely odd, and it's VERY concerning that he gets mad over you asking him such a normal question.

[laka23]

This sounds crazy! You are engaged to him!! First, he shouldn't be removing your photos and unfriendliness your family. Second, he shouldn't be offended by your question - unless he had something to hide!!

 

Something is very not right here. I would say, if someone I was engaged to did this to me... Facebook or not... We wouldn't be engaged anymore. It would raise some big questions for me and it would be a pretty serious discussion...

 

 

 

and now he made an Instagram account (my best friend told me because he liked a picture of her from about 20 weeks ago, and even tho she has recently pictures with me he didn't added me or not even told me he had an Instagram now) I logged in into his account (I know that's not cool lol) and he direct messaged his ex girlfriend with how are you babe?... she didn't reply at all... what can I do? I cant tell him I hacked him!

[BaileyB]

You can have a direct conversation with him and tell him that these are not the behaviours of an engaged man who is committed to the relationship. And, if he doesn't like the question... You can dump him. It's really that simple.

[laka23]

You can have a direct conversation with him and tell him that these are not the behaviours of an engaged man who is committed to the relationship. And, if he doesn't like the question... You can dump him. It's really that simple.

 

 

 

Ok, well. I asked. I even told him I knew about the direct msg. He got really angry! He told me its me and my insecurities again, that that instagram wasn't him, he didn't create it. He told me he can delete my family if he wants to with no excuses or explanations because that was his facebook. and I told him that this was not about social network but about him being different with me, about me feel I'm no longer a priority in his life. He told me he was going to delete me, and that this was about a picture and he hasn't say anything else to me...

[BaileyB]

Of course, he got angry. This guy is not a good guy and he doesn't appreciate the fact that you questioned/challenged him. I would expect nothing less from a guy like this.

 

He then tried to tell you that you are in the wrong to question him/that it's "just Facebook" and thus, it's "no big deal," that it's his Facebook account and thus, his right to do what he wants - including the very passive-aggressive response of unfriending you!

 

His behavior is childish, immature, and he's probably reacting like this because he has something to hide.

 

The question is - what are you going to do? Do you want to be tied to a guy who treats you with such blatant disrespect? Or do you want to be strong enough to say - "No, I expect more from the man in my life."

 

You are not wrong to want and expect more from the man in your life. THIS does not indicate that it is a healthy relationship - that HE is a HEALTHY PARTNER for you.

 

In fact, it is "just Facebook." But, if he is like this over such a trivial issue as "Facbook" - what is he going to be like when you marry him? At this point, it's all about him, he gets to do what he wants, and you have no rights here - certainly no right to question him or expect any kind of respect from him.

 

I think, this behavior will continue and only get worse in the future.

 

I think, you are lucky to have learned this about him now - before you marry him and have children. Because, now you have options. In five or ten miserable years, you may not.

 

Take care.

[laka23]

Of course, he got angry. This guy is not a good guy and he doesn't appreciate the fact that you questioned/challenged him. I would expect nothing less from a guy like this.

 

He then tried to tell you that you are in the wrong to question him/that it's "just Facebook" and thus, it's "no big deal," that it's his Facebook account and thus, his right to do what he wants - including the very passive-aggressive response of unfriending you!

 

His behavior is childish, immature, and he's probably reacting like this because he has something to hide.

 

The question is - what are you going to do? Do you want to be tied to a guy who treats you with such blatant disrespect? Or do you want to be strong enough to say - "No, I expect more from the man in my life."

 

You are not wrong to want and expect more from the man in your life. THIS does not indicate that it is a healthy relationship - that HE is a HEALTHY PARTNER for you.

 

In fact, it is "just Facebook." But, if he is like this over such a trivial issue as "Facbook" - what is he going to be like when you marry him? At this point, it's all about him, he gets to do what he wants, and you have no rights here - certainly no right to question him or expect any kind of respect from him.

 

I think, this behavior will continue and only get worse in the future.

 

I think, you are lucky to have learned this about him now - before you marry him and have children. Because, now you have options. In five or ten miserable years, you may not.

 

Take care.

 

 

 

Thank you, you opened up my eyes. Yes I am not wrong, it is not a normal behavior of him.

 

 

Is there any way for me to make HIM realize that? I keep trying to say it to him, but he is like he hasn't change, he texts me and calls me, and he just forgot about facebook and instragram (in which he went private) like nothing happen

[BaileyB]

Well, depending on the decision you make, you will need to communicate that to him. I would guess that he's trying to continue as normal, hoping this will blow over. If that is ok with you, then there is nothing for you to do.

 

If you are going to end it with him, you need to make that clear to him.

 

But, don't have false hope that you can talk with him and he will change. The only person you control is you - he has to change his behavior, and he doesn't seem very motivated to do that (based on the fact that he made his Facebook and Instagram accounts private - ie. No longer any of your business...).

 

Good luck to you.

[spiderowl]

My feeling is he's interested in the other girl or is under pressure to choose her, hence removing the pictures of you and him as if in a relationship. Yes, in your shoes I would feel insecure. He is being defensive because he doesn't know how to deal with the situation. I think you have every right to ask.

 

If it was me, I would ask him directly whether you two are still boyfriend and girlfriend. People find it difficult when asked a direct question: some will lie and some will have to come clean. Lying is difficult for most people though so if you want to know, ask him directly.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lanka, are you from a Western nation or an Asian one? Quite frankly, your fiance is not serious about you and is only maintaining a relationship with you to use you as a back up plan. You would be best served by dumping him. Warm wishes.