ktragers Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 This is a question that baffles me sometimes because I'm not at all an insecure person at work or when it comes to friendships or meeting new people, etc., but I get paranoid or insecure fairly frequently when I'm attached to someone in a romantic relationship. People say usually when you have low self esteem or something, you're more likely to experience insecurity and such, but I actually feel pretty confident most of the time. So where does this all come from? I'm with a guy who loves me and is very good to me, and we get along really well. However, I often get paranoid whenever he replies to my texts kinda late, or hangs out or talks to his best female friend, of if he's "ignored" me for too long, etc. I think there are reasons with him being overall quite flirty with people and constantly checking girls out (but he wouldn't act on anything), and also the fact that he's best friend with someone he used to be attracted to. I guess I should say that I don't trust him 100 percent. Even when during the week I need my alone time for a day or two, I still want some sort of attention from him every now and then ... If he gives me too much space, I'd get insecure too. However, for the most part everyone who knows me well would say that I'm a wildly independent person and that I enjoy my alone times very much. Anyone care to share your insights on this? It feels like I can be a completely different person in a relationship compared to how I usually am in other aspects of life, and the insecurity part frustrates me and I don't know how to cure it once and for all.
carhill Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 If this issue is persistent, it might be worthwhile to examine your attachment style in intimate relationships. Outside of romance, those could be close friendships and family, as well as examining your attachment style as you progressed from family to peer integration when young, adolescent/teen. Here's an article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship I used to think there was something wrong with me because I wasn't any different, attachment-wise, in a relationship or while married, than otherwise because others seemed to be different, at least to me. I never really got all the drama stuff. Seemed overblown. Nowadays when women I know do the OMG what is my husband up to or I can't be alone or whatever I listen but can't really identify. They always seem to find relationships though so I guess folks are used to that stuff. Oh, question.... what is the longest continuous period you've lived alone, meaning absent an intimate relationship? As example, I got divorced in 2010 and have been alone since. That's outlier for most folks but some alone time can be healthy psychologically, resetting to loving oneself and refilling one's love bank for future attachments. How does it go for you?
Gaeta Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 Anyone care to share your insights on this? It feels like I can be a completely different person in a relationship compared to how I usually am in other aspects of life, and the insecurity part frustrates me and I don't know how to cure it once and for all. When you are an over all confident person and suddenly you find yourself insecure in a romantic relationship. When you can't understand your worries, when you find yourself obsessing over 'is he cheating' ..that is because you are with the wrong man. A woman like you should not be with a man that checks out other women, or act flirty with other women, or is maintaining a questionable friendship with an ex. Just don't date these men. 1
preraph Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 You know, I was that way, too, and yet I was that way during a time when I was outgoing and had a lot of friends and a lot of interest from men. It is self-esteem issues that go way back to when we were kids. I once heard someone describe the things that stick to us as kids as "our brain forms around them" and it's kind of permanent and not easy to shed, like it's not a small task to change. It is disconcerting when you have so much confidence and everything on one hand but then live in doubt needing too much assurance under certain circumstances. I mean, like I even like to not have someone around a whole lot of the time, so if they go out of town, I'm happy enough about that and catch up with friends and stuff. But it's certain things like maybe something was off on our last date and then I don't hear for a few days that would make me get really insecure. Like once I had this hot and heavy early relationship and we always had sex every time we saw each other and then one night, he's like, "Oh, I'm going home. I'm tired, got a late night." I was just sure something was wrong. I'll never know for sure, but I do know he was still seeing others. But the relationship was still young. He was going through a divorce and once I didn't hear from him in 2 weeks and assumed it was over and was psyching myself up to move on when he called and said he'd told his soon to be ex he was still seeing me, which was his way of letting her know it was a little serious. But then I hadn't heard from him for 2 weeks, left hanging. (this is long before texting) So on one hand, I was really happy and relieved. On the other, I kept my date I had with someone else that night because I felt I needed to blow off some steam. And boy, did I! People have weak spots. The best thing for self-esteem is to build your own life with your own two hands and that strengthens your confidence in yourself. But I still get antsy if someone I love doesn't keep in touch right (and I'm easy, not someone who needs it daily). But I think it's kind of because I do realize if they're not any more focused than that, it usually is a sign they're, well, not focused on me as much as I was on them. So that's not totally irrational. It's just kind of premature to feel that way too soon.
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 Anyone care to share your insights on this? It feels like I can be a completely different person in a relationship compared to how I usually am in other aspects of life, and the insecurity part frustrates me and I don't know how to cure it once and for all. For the most part we all are different in romantic relationships from how we operate in other relationships an our day-to-day. There is a lot more at stake when we connect and share intimacy with another individual in a romantic form. The fear of loss takes over and sometimes the more intimacy we share the stronger the fear of losing something good becomes. You can be the most independent person in the world and live your life perfectly happy, feeling balanced and adjusted for extended periods of time alone but the moment you fall in love and become attached and also emotionally dependant on another it brings out all those childhood fears that are locked in your subconsciousness. Your insecurities are likely rooted back to your childhood and due to abandonment issues you may have experienced as a child and even baby. That combined with past experiences of hurt/pain/deception in other relationships. This all only applies if you see patterns in yourself and if the partner you are with is not outwardly doing things to cause insecurities in you. If this is exclusive to your current relationship it might be the dynamic you have with your current partner is not ideal for your needs. 1
bachdude Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 It seems to me that what you are experiencing are abandonment fears or maybe even feeling abandoned in those moments of long silences. Does that seem to make sense? Whatever the reason for these feelings, it certainly doesn't help that he continually checks out other women. It's just plain rude.
Zapbasket Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 It's a fine line. Good relationships feel good. Instincts / gut feelings exist for a reason, on a primal level as gauges of how safe something is. A few months ago, I was standing on the porch to my front door, fumbling with my keys, and I just had this feeling that drove me to look up and left. And when I did so, I found myself face to face with a large mountain lion. I knew he was there before I knew he was there, thanks to a gut feeling that I then listened to. So, it's entirely possible that you don't feel "safe" in this relationship because you're not safe. On the other hand, it could also be that you're projecting fears and insecurities from the past onto this relationship, that are skewing how you perceive it. And the third, most likely, and most confusing possibility: it's a bit of both, i.e., old insecurities AND your spidey sense quite accurately picking up on something not-right about this relationship. Only you can suss out what's what. The only advice I can give is: whatever you do, DON'T minimize your feelings, or beat up on yourself for "being insecure." You feel how you feel, and for good reason--either because of what happened to you in the past, or because of the current relationship's dynamics. Both are equally valid, and both are guideposts to the kind of person you are, the ways you need to grow, and the kind of relationship you need and want.
deep_night Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 i know what you're talking about, im also struggling quite a lot wit this kind of feelings. i know what the root of my insecurity is, as im also aware how it got "validated" by some aspects of my adult relationships. in my case im always worried that i'm just filling a position and my partner doesn't really love me. i feel that they're looking for someone better while they're with me and pretend to like me cos im a convenience. it's terrible. i just find it hard to trust and im always ready to abort mission. i could trace this feeling back in childhood, because i thought that my mum didn't love me and treated me like a pest. i could see my mum being extra nice and loving to other kids who werent her own, but not to me. so as an adult i always feel that im not good enough to hold people's attention and love, and that there's always someone else that's better than me. that always causes me to shut down and detach, cos i cant stand the pain. in my case i think i'm not as scared of abandonment as in getting emotionally invested and being tied to a person who doesn't love me back, being strung along. but the truth is, this pain isn't always right. i may find my self in pain and getting ready psychologically to breakup with a partner cos he seems distant in his texts a given day. im thinking "yeah, someone else he wants more just gave him attention, so what am i supposed to do?".....and start to plan my exit.... but the next day i find out he was actually sick and had a hard day at work. or that he played video games to relax. or that his family visited. and i went through all these feelings of pain for nothing. BUT, i think in your case you're right to feel bad. i dont think it's you, i sense that your boyfriend isnt respecting you enough.
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