Trying to cope. . .

[Baggage09]

My situation is different. I have been in contact with my ex and we've met up and had sex several times and still exchange the I love yous and what not.

 

Your situation sucks, but I'd give anything to have what you have there. I just want to hear his voice or see a text from him. I have nothing, no type of concern or affection from him. I feel like I wasted 14 years of my life on someone that wouldn't even care if I lived or died. It sucks that he doesn't even have any type of social media so I can't even 'stalk' him. Some nights I want to drive to his mom's just to see his stupid truck in the driveway - it doesn't bring me any happiness but it just feels like we're still somehow connected.

 

Despite the progress I've made, she brings up "hurt" that's happened in the past. Some are valid, but some I had nothing to do with at all and never knew about them. Regardless if real or imagined, she never said anything and the floodgates have opened and I'm trying to stay afloat.

 

What's wrong with people communicating in relationships? How can you (& I) be in these long term relationships and not have open lines of communication? I tell this guy EVERYTHING. Like TMI everything. And he can't even tell me 'HEY, there's an issue'. Emotional people suck man. How do we fix things if you never tell us what's wrong?! Seriously, it's like 'I can't help you or fix us unless you are willing to help yourself!'

 

I'm not ready to move on, I think I'm lying to myself if I said I was. A part of me wishes he'd leave his stuff here forever, because that means there MIGHT be a chance he's coming back. OR. . he hates me so much, he rather just abandon all his stuff instead of seeing me. This is the WORST break-up I've ever been through. We were on the road to 'forever' - living together, joint assets, making future plans and then NOTHING.

 

I'm glad to know it gets easier. For the first week when he moved back to his mom's house - I was hopeful he'd be back in a week if I just gave him his 'time'. But even knowing that, I was inconsolable. I cried from morning to night. For the first week, my two best friends were placed on 'suicide' watch; they had to call me every hour, they had to come eat dinner with me, they had to occupy my time, they had to stay until 10-11pm each night to make sure I was okay. This break up not only ruined my life, but their lives as well. They've been by my side daily and have dropped everything to be there for me. Forsake family and work obligations, they cancelled plans just to lay in bed with me while I sobbed uncontrollably. God, I am crazy grateful but feel so guilty for wasting their time. I've been doing better today, I haven't cried once yet. so

[The_Onceler]

What's wrong with people communicating in relationships?

 

I may or may not have been accused of failure to communicate. Perhaps I can offer some perspective from an alleged non-communicator:

 

Failure to communicate is not always an overt act. It could be the case that your guy was (1) out of touch with his own feelings, therefore had nothing that he was aware that he needed to communicate, or (2) so entangled in some other emotion (fear/anger/confusion) that he was hopeless to get at his real, underlying feelings.

 

Again, I don't want to excuse his bad behavior or to minimize what you have endured, but don't assume that he has actively kept his emotions from you. He may have been as surprised by his crazy outbursts as you were.

[Baggage09]

I may or may not have been accused of failure to communicate. Perhaps I can offer some perspective from an alleged non-communicator:

 

Failure to communicate is not always an overt act. It could be the case that your guy was (1) out of touch with his own feelings, therefore had nothing that he was aware that he needed to communicate, or (2) so entangled in some other emotion (fear/anger/confusion) that he was hopeless to get at his real, underlying feelings.

 

Again, I don't want to excuse his bad behavior or to minimize what you have endured, but don't assume that he has actively kept his emotions from you. He may have been as surprised by his crazy outbursts as you were.

 

Thank you for explaining this! Geez. Maybe he didn't realize that he was doing it and just. . . became psycho after bottling everything up. This is how 'crazy' people start out right? Or is that serial killers?

 

So, 'Out of touch' - MAYBE. He's usually so vocal though - about everything. But maybe he didn't know he wanted out of this relationship until he was actually out? I don't know if that makes any sense.

 

Fear/Anger/Confusion - Again, maybe. I know when his best friend told him that he was gonna propose to his gf, my ex FLIPPED out. They had only been together for a little over a year. My ex thought it was too soon, and that they were stupid for jumping in all at once so fast. His friend told him 'When you know, you know'. To which my ex responded 'yeah, but it doesn't hurt to wait'. (Yes, I was eavesdropping because the conversation was on speaker) Maybe my ex felt 'left back'? That everyone was doing big things and he was scared of losing his friends? Maybe he was confused on why people went 'all in' so fast and why he was a late bloomer and hadn't popped the question with me even though we've been together for over a decade? IDK, but it's literally all on him.

 

I messed up, but he's the one that blew it out of proportion. He's the one that escalated our 'time apart' to a 'break up'. He's the one that is acting immature and refuses to communicate. I think he really needs to sit down and figure out why he did the things he did. He can stay angry at me, but this problem isn't gonna resolve itself right? He needs to look deep inside of himself and seek out the root of this whole problem. UGH.

 

If he was 'surprised' at his own reaction, he definitely didn't show it. He was loud, stern and almost. . . possessed. I've never seen him like that. It was scary. I've never been scared of him physically because I knew he would never hurt me, but when he was screaming at me that Friday at his mom's house, I actually took 3 steps back.

[preraph]

One thing I can tell you for sure is that people who cheat assume everyone else would cheat too if they had the chance. It's their mindset, so they assume others are like them. So you could be faithful and they'd still be suspicious all the time because being faithful is foreign and unnatural to them.

[Baggage09]

One thing I can tell you for sure is that people who cheat assume everyone else would cheat too if they had the chance. It's their mindset, so they assume others are like them. So you could be faithful and they'd still be suspicious all the time because being faithful is foreign and unnatural to them.

 

This is sad.

 

I get when you're a teenager, or when you're in high school - You're immature, you're not 'all there' mentally. But I never understood how people could cheat, especially in committed relationships.

 

& if that's the truth, and he did cheat on me. I will . . . oh man, I would be over this SO quickly. I'd be physically sick. If he really threw away all this time, and spun it on me like this? To make ME feel like I'm this horrible crazy person. There are just NO WORDS. I'd probably just throw all his stuff away. or. . . I'd pour bleach on everything and then dump it on his mom's front yard.

[Baggage09]

I need some advice.

 

Short Recap:

- He left our home with a duffel bag on Friday, 7/29 to go stay at his mom's house. He put me under the assumption that he just needed some 'time' to think things over.

- The last time I saw him or spoke to him was Friday, 8/5 when he broke up with me. I drove to his house and tried to have a calm face to face conversation with him but instead he flipped out and locked himself in his room until I left his mom's house.

- I sent a certified letter and it was accepted and signed by him on Friday, 8/12. The letter related to a possible moving day and how to dispose of our joint assets. The letter also stated that he needed to call me to schedule a moving day because I changed the locks on our front door.

 

So I believe I've been the bigger person and the adult in this entire situation. I've think I've done everything in my power to reach out or try to resolve this entire situation. Right now, at this very moment, I'm still open to reconciliation because. . . I'm pathetic. and Love is stupid/blind/horrible.

 

I know I can't move on or even begin to heal living in our apartment with all his stuff here. I'm thinking of giving him until August 29, (which is 30 days from when he moved out) to contact me before I decide on what I'm going to do with all his stuff. I'm getting conflicting advice from my 3 best friends on what to do and this is the gist of it -

 

1. "Leave everything alone, it's his s**t. He has to come and do that. He wants to leave, he's going to have to work for it. Don't make it easier for him."

 

2. "30 days, and then that's it. Take all his stuff and throw it out. If he's gone a whole month without it, he doesn't need it. If he can't man up and call and schedule a moving day, then he doesn't deserve his stuff."

 

3. "Just drop all that stuff off after the 30 days. Be the bigger person. Drop it off, and just be done with it."

 

I understand that NONE of these options bring him back to me. And I'm sure if I really 'move him out' OR 'throw his stuff out', there's no coming back from that. There will be zero possibility of reconciliation, which is not what I'm striving for.

 

The reality is, his stuff being here is giving me a sense of false hope that he might still be coming back. But I also feel like I'm 'Plan B', and he's out there doing God knows what/who and that once he gets 'bored', he'll come home.

 

What does everyone think I should do? It doesn't necessarily have to be the 3 options above, any suggestions/advice will be appreciated.

[Redhead14]

Hello all, so I've searched long and hard in my heart before deciding to sign up and post my situation. I posted on a different forum last week but the responses have been kind of lacking. I'm not unhappy with their input, but I need MORE help. I need to understand what happened.

 

I've been surrounding myself with my best girlfriends and even though they tell me they're unbiased, they definitely are. How can they not be? They're my best friends. So, this will be an extremely long post. If I miss something or if you need to ask a clarifying question, please don't hesitate to ask.

 

BACKGROUND:

13 years ago, I went on a blind date in H.S. (I'm 28 now) and fell madly in love with B (B for 'Boy'). We dated for about 6 months before I moved to a different state. Even though we were extremely young, we decided to try 'long distance'. We didn't have the money to fly to see each other and continued our relationship through phone calls, text messages and AIM. (Remember this is 2003, we didn't have skype or facetime.) 2 years of 'long distance', we broke up. I was sick of not physically holding hands with someone, seeing someone face to face, etc. I didn't fall 'out of love' with B, I didn't stop caring, I just wanted to see what else was out there, what someone else could offer.

 

Fast Forward - I entered into a 3 year relationship and broke up with C (C for 'Cheater'). For whatever reason, the night I broke up with C, B messaged me on AIM. B said "I miss you, call me." This was out of nowhere. And I called him. And we talked every single day.

 

3 months later, we start up our long distance relationship again. Neither of us ever stopped loving one another, nor stopped thinking of one another. For 2 years, (now that we both had some money), we would fly to see each other every 4-6 months. When I graduated college, I had a long talk with my parents and decided that I was going to move BACK to City A, where B lived and relocate for love. I moved back to City A, I got an apartment and 3 years later in 2013, I asked him to move in with me. And he did. We recently just opened up a joint bank account, and bought a car together. A month ago, we were looking at wedding rings and he was telling me that we were going to be engaged by the end of the year.

 

THE PROBLEM:

I've been studying for the BAR exam. I've been going to prep workshops and classes. Yes, our together time has been lacking but it was only for the past month or so. I might have neglected him throughout the work week but I always made sure to be home so we could have dinner together and I always made sure to take Sundays off to spend with him. Anyways, about 3 weeks ago, we got into a huge fight. I began taking birth control because my gyno recommended that I start regulating my period if I plan on having children soon. I've never had a regular period and apparently that can be difficult when it comes to conception. When I told B I was taking birth control, these were his words verbatim: "For how long?", "What have you been doing for the past 7 days you've been on them? Who have you been with?" "No, I'm not about to let you trap me with a baby, what's wrong with you? What's wrong with condoms? Who are you taking them for?" I couldn't believe that the man that I've been with for so long could misjudge my character so much. I couldn't believe that he thought I would 'trap' him with a child, and that I would sleep around. I was pissed, he told me he was 'DONE' and that he was 'moving out' because I was a 'cheating bitch'. This was hands down, our WORST fight. That night, I was filled with anger, hate, resentment, rage, and vengeance. I couldn't believe that birth control is what ends this relationship, that he was 'done' and 'moving out' for THIS. How could he treat me like this?I went online at midnight (which was probably an indication that this was going to be a mistake) and signed up for 'Eharmony'. I signed up, typed in my name and some basic information such as my age, my height, my ethnicity, and then realized 'there's literally no one else in the world for me'. And I logged off. The next day, he came home with flowers and apologized. He said that he overreacted and trusts me 100%. 4 days past and I remember that I'm still signed up for Eharmony. I log in and deactivate my account.

 

THE REACTION:

Last Friday 7/29, he comes home and asks me 'Do you have an Eharmony account?' and I told him the truth that I did but I don't anymore. Apparently that's all he needed to hear. He said he didn't want to listen to explanations, didn't want to listen to excuses and he was going to his parents' house because he needed time to think. He said he 'had a feeling' I was cheating on him, and that he has been checking my phone calls, texts, and emails since the night after our birth control fight. I ask him why he waited 2 weeks to even bring this up then, why did he let it brew inside of him for so long when he could have just flat out came to me and asked. He didn't answer. I asked if he was coming home eventually, he said "Yes, but I don't know when, I need to be away from you right now. I'll be back." I apologized over and over again and begged him not to leave our home. I was on my knees, begging him to just sit down and let me walk him through what happened. But he grabbed a duffel bag of clothes and walked right out the door.

 

So I leave him alone for the weekend, because I respect his request for 'Time'. Monday morning rolls around and I decide to give him a call. To my surprise, he blocked my number - text messages and phone calls aren't going through. I'm confused, so I leave a voicemail asking him to call me back and let me know that he's okay. I hear nothing for hours so I decided to block my number and call him again. He picks up and I asked him why he's blocked me, is it because he needs his 'time', or is it because he's just done with me. He tells me "It's looking like we're done." and hangs up. I lose it. I'm a very emotionally stable person, but for once in my life, I understood why people committed suicide after a break up. I finally had that feeling. I ended up calling the suicide hotline and they referred me to a therapist. My therapist told me to leave him alone because some people need more time than others and maybe he was just still angry and let his anger dictate his words like how I let my anger get the best of me and impulsively made an eharmony account.

 

THE BREAKUP:

So from M-R, I don't call, text. Zero contact what so ever. Friday morning, he texts me and tells me 'I need my clothes.' Stupid naive me replies 'What do you need? I just did all your laundry, I can drop them off or you can pick them up.' He replies 'I need ALL my clothes, when do you go on vacation?' (Before this whole ordeal, I was going on vacation sometime in August but hadn't picked out a day yet) This is when it hits me, he is ending this, he wants to completely move out. I frantically call him, he doesn't pick up. He texts me back 'I don't want to talk, just tell me when you won't be home and I'll get my stuff'. I'm fed up with the cheating, I'm fed up with the lies. I want to move on, I don't want to be with you. I am done with this relationship. I am not taking you back, there is no us.'

 

I drive to his parents' house because in my head one grand gesture always works in the movies. I ring the door bell and to my surprise, he actually answers and lets me in. I ask if we can talk for 14 mins, one minute for each of the years we've known each other. He says 'Okay' but when I start to open my mouth, he goes off. He starts screaming about my infidelity, about all the 'guys' I've been with, and just malicious name calling. I told him to calm down, that we're both adults and we should try to talk and resolve this as adults because we've known each other too long, been together for too long to treat each other like this. And he says 'You knew the end of near, this was inevitable. We've had problems for a very long time and I was trying to work through all of it but I give up. I can't do it. You're blind if you didn't see this coming..' At this moment, I am FLOORED. I never knew we had problems, why didn't he tell me? Why was he trying to work through 'our problems' by himself? There's literally nothing I wouldn't have done to keep this relationship alive, because seriously, I relocated here for love. What makes him think I wouldn't try to fix this relationship? I ask him 'WHAT PROBLEMS?' and he replies 'YOU KNOW' and literally storms away and locks himself in his room.

 

So, little did I know, his mom and sister are sitting right in the next room. They tell me that he's just angry and to give him a little more time. They know that I love him. They tell me I've been a family member for all these years and they will not abandon me. (But seriously, I know blood is thicker than water) They tell me to call if I ever need to talk, or need anything. They ask if I want to eat something, but I don't want to do that - I haven't had an appetite since he left. They tell me to sit and just wait for him to calm down, let him shower and eat and maybe he'll talk to me. I sit in their living room with his mom and sister for an hour before I give up. I left a 9 page letter with his sister, and I asked her to give it to him. My therapist told me to bring the letter just in case I wasn't given the chance to fully explain everything. I laid the letter out with bullet points, arguments from both sides, reasoning on why my argument made sense.

 

THE AFTERMATH:

It's now been 6 days since we 'broke up' officially. I've told my best gfs what he said to me that Friday, and they're telling me that there's something else at the root of this problem. That if there were problems, he should have said something to me, because 14 years, no problem is too small or too big to bring up. That maybe he felt trapped or he checked out of the relationship and was looking for a way out and my 'mistake' of an eharmony account (although a minuscule infraction in all their opinions) was his way to end things and make me feel as guilty as possible. I don't know whether or not to believe them. I know I made a mistake, but I believe that his reaction was completely in-proportionate to it.

 

Since the official break up, I have changed the keys to our home because I was constantly anxious and hadn't left the house since the date he came home and packed a bag. All my friends, and my therapist said that this was the best solution because I needed to get out of the house. Apparently it's unhealthy to cry everyday surrounded by his things.

 

We have had NO contact since 8/5. He hasn't asked to come get his stuff. He hasn't called/texted. My therapist advised me to contact him in the least intrusive way - send a letter. I sent one yesterday. Didn't cast blame, didn't beg for him back. Just literally 'All you stuff is here, you need to schedule a moving day with me and we need to coordinate like adults' and then I listed a long list of joint assets that and wrote 'We also need to figure out how to divide the following items up amongst the two of us'.

 

I know this was a long read. We've had 14 years of history, and have been together for almost more than a decade. I just need an outsider, unbiased opinion and any insight or advice is appreciated. Is it possible to be with someone for so long and not love them? I know I messed up, but was his reaction warranted?

 

Is it possible to be with someone for so long and not love them?

 

We've had problems for a very long time and I was trying to work through all of it but I give up.

 

At this moment, I am FLOORED. I never knew we had problems, why didn't he tell me? Why was he trying to work through 'our problems' by himself? -- He's telling you that he had checked out of the relationship a long time ago. He dealt with it on his own because he wanted to . . .

 

He's been operating on auto-pilot until now and the birth control thing became his "out". He needed a catalyst to do what he's been wanting to do for so long.

 

I'm sorry this happened. Please be good to yourself.

[LD1990]

1. "Leave everything alone, it's his s**t. He has to come and do that. He wants to leave, he's going to have to work for it. Don't make it easier for him."

 

2. "30 days, and then that's it. Take all his stuff and throw it out. If he's gone a whole month without it, he doesn't need it. If he can't man up and call and schedule a moving day, then he doesn't deserve his stuff."

 

3. "Just drop all that stuff off after the 30 days. Be the bigger person. Drop it off, and just be done with it."

 

Option 2 is by far the best solution. You don't want to leave everything alone because that just drags this awkward situation out. As far as dropping everything off, I got that advice from a couple people, too. I looked at it like this - so, my ex dumps me and moves out, and I'm supposed to take the time to pack up all her stuff and then drive it over to her? I think you should ask whoever suggested option 3 if you look like a moving company. Don't be doing your ex any favors. If he doesn't get his stuff, that's on him.

 

I was in the same situation you were. My ex still had several larger items at my apartment and she didn't know where to store them. I didn't want to force her to pick them up because I felt like they were my last connection to her. As long as they were in my apartment, she had to contact me and see me at some point, so there was still that last thread there.

 

It doesn't matter. His stuff at your place isn't going to make a difference. Better to give up that false hope now. It hurts, but it's better than torturing yourself for months.

[Baggage09]

Option 2 is by far the best solution. You don't want to leave everything alone because that just drags this awkward situation out. As far as dropping everything off, I got that advice from a couple people, too. I looked at it like this - so, my ex dumps me and moves out, and I'm supposed to take the time to pack up all her stuff and then drive it over to her? I think you should ask whoever suggested option 3 if you look like a moving company. Don't be doing your ex any favors. If he doesn't get his stuff, that's on him.

 

I was in the same situation you were. My ex still had several larger items at my apartment and she didn't know where to store them. I didn't want to force her to pick them up because I felt like they were my last connection to her. As long as they were in my apartment, she had to contact me and see me at some point, so there was still that last thread there.

 

It doesn't matter. His stuff at your place isn't going to make a difference. Better to give up that false hope now. It hurts, but it's better than torturing yourself for months.

 

So, He showed up unannounced last night with his mom. They threw all his stuff into garbage bags and cardboard boxes. And within 30 mins of their arrival, he had officially moved out.

 

It was TOUGH. I tried to just be chill about it but that didn't last long. I cried, I yelled, I bombarded him with questions. I asked for the truth but he didn't give it to me.

 

He kept blaming me and just kept saying that I wasn't allowed to play the victim because I was the one that messed up. He told me there is no other reason for this breakup other than the fact that I was a cheater and a liar.

 

It hurt. I pushed him. I told him I loved him. Didn't matter, he walked out the door the same way he walked out all those weeks ago. Without remorse, without care, without me.

[LD1990]

I'm sorry to hear that, that's rough. You may not feel like it now but you're better off without him. If he cares so little that he's able to treat you like this, then he's not the kind of guy you want to marry.

 

He's clearly still very immature. The fact that he brings his mother to get his stuff shows you how much of a child he is, and how he refuses to accept any blame. People that need to put all of the blame on another person do so because they're too mentally fragile to accept that they were also at fault. He's really the one playing the victim here.

 

Stay strong, it will get better.

[Baggage09]

Bad things seem to happen to me on Fridays. He left our home on a Friday, he broke up with me on a Friday, and this past Friday, I received a letter from B.

 

It was one page. 1/2 of the letter was relevant. The gist of the letter stated that he did love me but he doesn't anymore. He's sorry that he had to tell me through a letter. He says that it's as much his fault as it is his that we ended.

 

The other 1/2 of the letter just asked me to give him our WWE Summerslam tickets. (NO, you don't get to break my heart and take tickets to the event we planned on going to together.)

 

I read the letter 3 times in its entirety. He's still lying about the real reason that we're breaking up. He's not a good liar and he's an even worse actor. He always wore his heart on his sleeve and up until the day he left, he was a loving boyfriend. I'm worth the truth. Why would he end this amazing decade long journey with lies?

 

I got angry, impulsive, and upset. I gathered up all remnants of him into garbage bags. Photos from the walls, his toiletry from the bathroom cabinets, and whatever knick knacks he missed in his haste to 'move out' as soon as possible. My plan was to drive to his mom's house and dump everything in the yard. I scooped up my best friend for moral and emotional support.

 

The second I pulled up to the house, I knew he wasn't home. Don't ask how I know but I knew. I rang the door bell and M ("M" for MOM) answered the door. She was surprised but welcomed me and my bff in with open arms. I asked if we could chat, she invited us into the living room.

 

When we sat down, M said she wanted to stay out of it because it's a problem the two of us need to 'work out.' She didn't want to get involved with matters of the heart. She said I was welcome to stay and chat but she can't provide me with any answers.

 

I asked her if she knew why her son was breaking up with me. M said that when he first moved home, he said we were having problems and needed some time apart. And when she came with him to move out of the apartment, that's when he told her that I cheated and had an Eharmony account. M said she knows I could never cheat on her son, she's seen the way I look at him. She knows that I love her son an enormous amount.

 

I decided to tell M the truth, the real story. I told her every painful excruciating detail. I'm an adult, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to admit my mistakes. S ('S' for Sister) came out of her room and came into the living room to listen as well.

 

I then moved onto the letter I had just received from B. I told them what it said. S asks ‘My brother wrote that? You’re sure it’s his handwriting?’ M asks ‘That can’t be true. Maybe he doesn’t know what he’s doing.’ S chimes in ‘My brother didn’t write that, maybe he did but he wasn’t himself when he wrote it.’ I'm glad that even his family members are now questioning if this is even the same person. They're right, this ISN'T him. This isn't the son M raised, this isn't the brother S loves.

 

I asked M and S if he ever spoke to them about his doubts of this relationship. If he ever told them that he didn't love me or was falling out of love with me. If he ever said I wasn't the one and he didn't want to marry me. Both M and S respond with a resounding 'No.'

 

M tells me that she's been asking about 'US' for the past 3 weeks and B has been telling her that we've been 'talking' and 'working it out'. I told her that we haven't had a real conversation since he walked out, that he blocked me from his life. She's confused. Her face is twisted in disgust because she didn't understand why he'd lie to her about this. M said that he's always been her little boy and they've always been extremely close. M said that 'ENDING' this relationship would have been a discussion he would have had with her because B tells her EVERYTHING. (Yes, I use to get mad at this because I'm sorry but your mom doesn't need to know aspects of our sex life. They're sometimes too close for comfort.)

 

M proceeds to tell me that a couple of months ago, B was asking her for advice on engagement rings. The 4 of us, M, S, BFF and I are now sitting in silence. We all have a million questions and the only one that has answers is lying to ALL of us.

 

I give M and S my theories of why her B is leaving and they give me theirs. Talking through our theories, my eyes are cloudy with tears but I can see tears well up in M's eyes. I think M and S have finally realized that there is SOMETHING WRONG with B. M says she doesn't know what happened and doesn't know why this is happening. M tells me that this could be a phase, that the son she raised wouldn't treat me like that. "Maybe he's scared, maybe you two are moving too fast? Either way, he should have said something."

 

M apologizes for B. She tells me she loves me and I am every bit her daughter like B is her son. M says she's going to get B to open up, she's going to talk to him and figure all this out. M wants to help and believes that I deserve answers and my closure. M thinks that all our years together are worth more than this and that I deserve the truth. M thinks I'm worthy of a hard uncomfortable conversation that he is so desperately trying to avoid whether because of embarrassment, shame, or guilt.

 

We walk back downstairs and she hugs me. M tells me she loves me. She hugs me and I sob loudly into her shoulder because this is 'good-bye'. I can no longer come back here, this is no longer my second home. I can't come back here and tan in the backyard, I can't come to family BBQs anymore, I can't come for Sunday dinners and I can't ever sleep over again.

- - -

After a whole weekend alone with my thoughts, I know now that I can't reach out anymore. Every time I do, I fall back into this deep dark state. I've done all I can as a lover, partner and friend. I've been the responsible adult throughout the entire situation. I've tried to call, text, reach out and reconcile even though I was not at fault. I've tried to get him the help he so desperately needs, because I know, my friends know, and his family now know that this isn't him. I believe I've done by part by alerting his family to the big picture and the issue. I'm glad they're aware of it now. I hope that his mom or sister is just who he needs to confide in, to place his trust in, and ultimately come to the realization that we didn't break up because of ME.

[LD1990]

I think you've all been a bit a ridiculous and naive with this talk of "this isn't him," "there's something wrong," "he wasn't himself when he wrote that letter," etc. Yes, this is him. Your ex isn't under mind control, and he didn't get abducted by aliens and replaced with a clone. He broke up with you. He did it in a lousy way and he hasn't been very good to you since then, but that doesn't mean that's something wrong with him, it just means you're seeing a different side of him.

 

It's a shock to you because he has been your boyfriend who loves you for so long, and now he's not. This happens all the time, where someone gets dumped and their ex seems like a completely different person.

 

It really just sounds like he hasn't wanted to talk to his mother or sister about his breakup, which is pretty normal, especially for guys. It doesn't mean he needs help.