Trying to cope. . .

[Baggage09]

Hello all, so I've searched long and hard in my heart before deciding to sign up and post my situation. I posted on a different forum last week but the responses have been kind of lacking. I'm not unhappy with their input, but I need MORE help. I need to understand what happened.

 

I've been surrounding myself with my best girlfriends and even though they tell me they're unbiased, they definitely are. How can they not be? They're my best friends. So, this will be an extremely long post. If I miss something or if you need to ask a clarifying question, please don't hesitate to ask.

 

BACKGROUND:

13 years ago, I went on a blind date in H.S. (I'm 28 now) and fell madly in love with B (B for 'Boy'). We dated for about 6 months before I moved to a different state. Even though we were extremely young, we decided to try 'long distance'. We didn't have the money to fly to see each other and continued our relationship through phone calls, text messages and AIM. (Remember this is 2003, we didn't have skype or facetime.) 2 years of 'long distance', we broke up. I was sick of not physically holding hands with someone, seeing someone face to face, etc. I didn't fall 'out of love' with B, I didn't stop caring, I just wanted to see what else was out there, what someone else could offer.

 

Fast Forward - I entered into a 3 year relationship and broke up with C (C for 'Cheater'). For whatever reason, the night I broke up with C, B messaged me on AIM. B said "I miss you, call me." This was out of nowhere. And I called him. And we talked every single day.

 

3 months later, we start up our long distance relationship again. Neither of us ever stopped loving one another, nor stopped thinking of one another. For 2 years, (now that we both had some money), we would fly to see each other every 4-6 months. When I graduated college, I had a long talk with my parents and decided that I was going to move BACK to City A, where B lived and relocate for love. I moved back to City A, I got an apartment and 3 years later in 2013, I asked him to move in with me. And he did. We recently just opened up a joint bank account, and bought a car together. A month ago, we were looking at wedding rings and he was telling me that we were going to be engaged by the end of the year.

 

THE PROBLEM:

I've been studying for the BAR exam. I've been going to prep workshops and classes. Yes, our together time has been lacking but it was only for the past month or so. I might have neglected him throughout the work week but I always made sure to be home so we could have dinner together and I always made sure to take Sundays off to spend with him. Anyways, about 3 weeks ago, we got into a huge fight. I began taking birth control because my gyno recommended that I start regulating my period if I plan on having children soon. I've never had a regular period and apparently that can be difficult when it comes to conception. When I told B I was taking birth control, these were his words verbatim: "For how long?", "What have you been doing for the past 7 days you've been on them? Who have you been with?" "No, I'm not about to let you trap me with a baby, what's wrong with you? What's wrong with condoms? Who are you taking them for?" I couldn't believe that the man that I've been with for so long could misjudge my character so much. I couldn't believe that he thought I would 'trap' him with a child, and that I would sleep around. I was pissed, he told me he was 'DONE' and that he was 'moving out' because I was a 'cheating bitch'. This was hands down, our WORST fight. That night, I was filled with anger, hate, resentment, rage, and vengeance. I couldn't believe that birth control is what ends this relationship, that he was 'done' and 'moving out' for THIS. How could he treat me like this?I went online at midnight (which was probably an indication that this was going to be a mistake) and signed up for 'Eharmony'. I signed up, typed in my name and some basic information such as my age, my height, my ethnicity, and then realized 'there's literally no one else in the world for me'. And I logged off. The next day, he came home with flowers and apologized. He said that he overreacted and trusts me 100%. 4 days past and I remember that I'm still signed up for Eharmony. I log in and deactivate my account.

 

THE REACTION:

Last Friday 7/29, he comes home and asks me 'Do you have an Eharmony account?' and I told him the truth that I did but I don't anymore. Apparently that's all he needed to hear. He said he didn't want to listen to explanations, didn't want to listen to excuses and he was going to his parents' house because he needed time to think. He said he 'had a feeling' I was cheating on him, and that he has been checking my phone calls, texts, and emails since the night after our birth control fight. I ask him why he waited 2 weeks to even bring this up then, why did he let it brew inside of him for so long when he could have just flat out came to me and asked. He didn't answer. I asked if he was coming home eventually, he said "Yes, but I don't know when, I need to be away from you right now. I'll be back." I apologized over and over again and begged him not to leave our home. I was on my knees, begging him to just sit down and let me walk him through what happened. But he grabbed a duffel bag of clothes and walked right out the door.

 

So I leave him alone for the weekend, because I respect his request for 'Time'. Monday morning rolls around and I decide to give him a call. To my surprise, he blocked my number - text messages and phone calls aren't going through. I'm confused, so I leave a voicemail asking him to call me back and let me know that he's okay. I hear nothing for hours so I decided to block my number and call him again. He picks up and I asked him why he's blocked me, is it because he needs his 'time', or is it because he's just done with me. He tells me "It's looking like we're done." and hangs up. I lose it. I'm a very emotionally stable person, but for once in my life, I understood why people committed suicide after a break up. I finally had that feeling. I ended up calling the suicide hotline and they referred me to a therapist. My therapist told me to leave him alone because some people need more time than others and maybe he was just still angry and let his anger dictate his words like how I let my anger get the best of me and impulsively made an eharmony account.

 

THE BREAKUP:

So from M-R, I don't call, text. Zero contact what so ever. Friday morning, he texts me and tells me 'I need my clothes.' Stupid naive me replies 'What do you need? I just did all your laundry, I can drop them off or you can pick them up.' He replies 'I need ALL my clothes, when do you go on vacation?' (Before this whole ordeal, I was going on vacation sometime in August but hadn't picked out a day yet) This is when it hits me, he is ending this, he wants to completely move out. I frantically call him, he doesn't pick up. He texts me back 'I don't want to talk, just tell me when you won't be home and I'll get my stuff'. I'm fed up with the cheating, I'm fed up with the lies. I want to move on, I don't want to be with you. I am done with this relationship. I am not taking you back, there is no us.'

 

I drive to his parents' house because in my head one grand gesture always works in the movies. I ring the door bell and to my surprise, he actually answers and lets me in. I ask if we can talk for 14 mins, one minute for each of the years we've known each other. He says 'Okay' but when I start to open my mouth, he goes off. He starts screaming about my infidelity, about all the 'guys' I've been with, and just malicious name calling. I told him to calm down, that we're both adults and we should try to talk and resolve this as adults because we've known each other too long, been together for too long to treat each other like this. And he says 'You knew the end of near, this was inevitable. We've had problems for a very long time and I was trying to work through all of it but I give up. I can't do it. You're blind if you didn't see this coming..' At this moment, I am FLOORED. I never knew we had problems, why didn't he tell me? Why was he trying to work through 'our problems' by himself? There's literally nothing I wouldn't have done to keep this relationship alive, because seriously, I relocated here for love. What makes him think I wouldn't try to fix this relationship? I ask him 'WHAT PROBLEMS?' and he replies 'YOU KNOW' and literally storms away and locks himself in his room.

 

So, little did I know, his mom and sister are sitting right in the next room. They tell me that he's just angry and to give him a little more time. They know that I love him. They tell me I've been a family member for all these years and they will not abandon me. (But seriously, I know blood is thicker than water) They tell me to call if I ever need to talk, or need anything. They ask if I want to eat something, but I don't want to do that - I haven't had an appetite since he left. They tell me to sit and just wait for him to calm down, let him shower and eat and maybe he'll talk to me. I sit in their living room with his mom and sister for an hour before I give up. I left a 9 page letter with his sister, and I asked her to give it to him. My therapist told me to bring the letter just in case I wasn't given the chance to fully explain everything. I laid the letter out with bullet points, arguments from both sides, reasoning on why my argument made sense.

 

THE AFTERMATH:

It's now been 6 days since we 'broke up' officially. I've told my best gfs what he said to me that Friday, and they're telling me that there's something else at the root of this problem. That if there were problems, he should have said something to me, because 14 years, no problem is too small or too big to bring up. That maybe he felt trapped or he checked out of the relationship and was looking for a way out and my 'mistake' of an eharmony account (although a minuscule infraction in all their opinions) was his way to end things and make me feel as guilty as possible. I don't know whether or not to believe them. I know I made a mistake, but I believe that his reaction was completely in-proportionate to it.

 

Since the official break up, I have changed the keys to our home because I was constantly anxious and hadn't left the house since the date he came home and packed a bag. All my friends, and my therapist said that this was the best solution because I needed to get out of the house. Apparently it's unhealthy to cry everyday surrounded by his things.

 

We have had NO contact since 8/5. He hasn't asked to come get his stuff. He hasn't called/texted. My therapist advised me to contact him in the least intrusive way - send a letter. I sent one yesterday. Didn't cast blame, didn't beg for him back. Just literally 'All you stuff is here, you need to schedule a moving day with me and we need to coordinate like adults' and then I listed a long list of joint assets that and wrote 'We also need to figure out how to divide the following items up amongst the two of us'.

 

I know this was a long read. We've had 14 years of history, and have been together for almost more than a decade. I just need an outsider, unbiased opinion and any insight or advice is appreciated. Is it possible to be with someone for so long and not love them? I know I messed up, but was his reaction warranted?

[preraph]

Well, numero uno, he wouldn't know you had an Eharmony account unless HE had an Eharmony account, right? So he was probably already shopping around to replace you.

 

Number two, he is off the deep end with either insecurity OR he was looking for a way out.

 

Never heard of any man hitting the roof about their gf getting birth control. I will say that I think what you are calling birth control pills is, in fact, hormone replacement. Because birth control pills keep you from getting pregnant. I myself take hormone replacement and it uses some of the same ingredients but different combinations.

 

The fact he's gone completely bat____ crazy on you just tells me he has much deeper issues that you are just now finding out about -- and how lucky you found out now before you actually DID get pregnant! So please count your lucky stars. Even if he comes crawling back, why would you want him? He can't trust anyone and he was already cheating on Eharmony and he was monitoring you. Not a good combo to have kids with. Please take this as a big flashing sign and move on past him.

[SevenCity]

Wow that is one hell of a story. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

I've seen, and experienced, people who fall out of love and never tell you but then find an opportunity to end it and make it seem as if it's your fault.

 

I have to say that walking away from a RL without even trying to talk about the problems is a cowards way out.

 

You are doing the right thing acting like an adult about things. If he doesn't respond then Just send him his stuff or have one of his family members get it.

 

I can see how he might have thought you were cheating. The eharmony move was really bad on your part. It could be he had spyware on your computer (or looked in your history) rather than him having an account himself.

 

Either way the trust is gone.

[hopelessromanticchic]

Wow! All of this because you wanted to get on birth control? Smh if he reacted so quickly about this situation is because he was already thinking about leaving for awhile. Makes no sense, why would he say you're trying to trap him with a child? you being in birth control prevents that from happening. And he should have asked you if you were "cheating" if he suspected anything before assuming you are. I doubt he found any suspicious texts or calls in your phone since you weren't cheating at all lol.

 

There's definetly more to this than meets the eye. Did you ever suspect maybe him cheating on you? Maybe he feels guilty for it and found the perfect excuse to blame it on you and leave.

[Late Nights]

Maybe i can chime in. Im a guy and i can see somewhat of my old self in him. I am 33. I think what "might" be the problem is the fact that you guys broke up and you went with that other person "C". Me being a guy sees this and i would loose it because you are the one that i want to be with and to see you g with another person will just make me even more upset. Its just the fact of someone to another person and then you coming back to me would make me feel like apart of ME (you) has been taken away from "C" that i would never get back.

 

The other thing is that if he is suspecting you cheating out on nowhere its because you can't give him all of your time since you are busy in school i am assuming? Its either he has done something like cheating too OR he can't get it out of his head that you gave apart of yourself away to "C". It might be both but im not sure but its probably most likely that you left him to go see if there is more and he cant get over it. I used to be that guy.

[SevenCity]

Maybe i can chime in. Im a guy and i can see somewhat of my old self in him. I am 33. I think what "might" be the problem is the fact that you guys broke up and you went with that other person "C". Me being a guy sees this and i would loose it because you are the one that i want to be with and to see you g with another person will just make me even more upset. Its just the fact of someone to another person and then you coming back to me would make me feel like apart of ME (you) has been taken away from "C" that i would never get back.

 

The other thing is that if he is suspecting you cheating out on nowhere its because you can't give him all of your time since you are busy in school i am assuming? Its either he has done something like cheating too OR he can't get it out of his head that you gave apart of yourself away to "C". It might be both but im not sure but its probably most likely that you left him to go see if there is more and he cant get over it. I used to be that guy.

 

Are you ok with that now? I can't fathom taking a girl back who left me after she was with someone else.

 

I get disgusted and lose all interest.

[Baggage09]

Well, numero uno, he wouldn't know you had an Eharmony account unless HE had an Eharmony account, right? So he was probably already shopping around to replace you.

 

 

Well apparently after the BC argument, he started checking my phone on a daily basis. He knows the passcode to my phone because. . . I never had anything to hide.

 

I am glad that it happened NOW rather than when we were married and had children but it still sucks that it happened 14 years in.

[Baggage09]

You are doing the right thing acting like an adult about things. If he doesn't respond then Just send him his stuff or have one of his family members get it.

 

So my therapist has advised against this. Her reasoning is that HE broke the relationship, so HE should be the one that has to do the dirty work and pick up the pieces. Is there a reason you think I should just pack up his stuff and send it back? I actually don't mind packing it all up, but it is 3 years worth of stuff and he has A LOT of stuff.

 

The eharmony move was really bad on your part.

 

Yes, I'll be the first to admit that I messed up. But people that know me, know I'm not this crazy impulsive person. I know you don't know me but can you just think of how hurt, disappointed and angry I must have been to even think of this as an option. But the five mintues in, I thought against it. My profile was 7% complete. I don't believe putting in my name, age, height and ethnicity warrants an 'end all' to a relationship. Especially since if you googled my name, ALL that information along w/ photos of me come up anyways. It's basically common information.

[Baggage09]

There's definetly more to this than meets the eye. Did you ever suspect maybe him cheating on you? Maybe he feels guilty for it and found the perfect excuse to blame it on you and leave.

 

Several of my best friends have brought this up. There is definitely something else but WHAT? It's killing me NOT to know.

 

Yes, I've suspected that he's cheated on me before. But I've never had any actual proof. All I had was circumstantial evidence, and I presented my argument to him, and he had valid excuses. Maybe I was too soft and just took his lies for truths. Who knows?

 

- I caught him texting a girl once. He was smart to erase all his TEXT responses, but her responses were all there. She called him 'baby', 'hun', 'sweetie'. He told me she was a club promoter that he met in AC and he was just talking to her to get him and his friends into exclusive places, VIP lounges and free bottles. I believe him because, him and his friends are always in AC and they did always get free bottles, comps, admission into places.

 

- He brought condoms on a weekend trip with his 'boys'. He was acting weird when he was packing so I peeked into his duffle bag when he was in the shower. There was a box of 3 condoms. I left it alone. Confronted him when he got home 3 days later, and he told me that he brought them for his friend because his friend was going to AC straight from work, didn't have time to pick any up, and condoms are super expensive in AC. Never actually called his friend to confirm, but I can see how his friend would ask him to do that because. . . his friend is a cheap scumbag.

[Baggage09]

I think what "might" be the problem is the fact that you guys broke up and you went with that other person "C".

 

But this was in H.S. all those years ago, B never had a problem with my relationship with C. Or at least he NEVER brought it up in all these years. If it really did bother him, wouldn't he say SOMETHING? What is with men and not expressing their feelings???!?!??!

 

The other thing is that if he is suspecting you cheating out on nowhere its because you can't give him all of your time since you are busy in school i am assuming? Its either he has done something like cheating too OR he can't get it out of his head that you gave apart of yourself away to "C". It might be both but im not sure but its probably most likely that you left him to go see if there is more and he cant get over it. I used to be that guy.

 

 

Thanks for a real guy's perspective. I have been extremely busy with school but like I said, I was always home for dinner, I always spent Sunday with him. I don't want to believe that he cheated but that's what all the 'love experts' are suggesting.

[Baggage09]

AH, okay. I feel like this needs to be explained. We were LONG distance, we were 17. We hadn't seen each other in OVER 2 YEARS. I was sick of being the third wheel on dates, sick of being alone every weekend when my friends were hanging out with their boyfriends. Tired of spending HOURS on the phone when I could have been out at Disney World, the movies, parties.

 

He felt the same way. I was just the one that broke it off. Because I felt like my feelings were worth the uncomfortable and awkward conversation. I thought I was doing BOTH of us a favor.

 

When I got w/ C, it wasn't until a couple of months later. It wasn't like I jumped right from B to C. I had my own little depression moment and wondered if I did the right thing.

[Late Nights]

He just might needed a little bit more of your attention form you and ofcourse with school that is totally understandable. I can get like that sometimes when i feel like i don't see my significant other enough. Enough to where you start to think stupid things that doesn't even happen. I think this is what might of happen about him spazzing out.

 

i forgot to ask. While you 2 parted ways and u got into a relationship did he ever get into one?

Edited August 12, 2016 by Late Nights

[Baggage09]

I want to say he's immature, but I feel like most guys are a little behind like that. He likes it when I take care of everything, almost like a mother. Maybe it's an Italian boy thing? IDK, either way, before bar prep, I showered him with affection and attention every free chance I got. Maybe he noticed and missed it and thought I was showering someone else?

 

During bar prep, I was unable to give him the 'overbearing' attention he was usually accustomed to, but seriously, it's bar prep. I've known friends that have moved out and away from their family for 2 months while studying because their spouse/kids were too much of a distraction and only visited them on the weekends. Although stressful, I still lived with him, cooked dinner for him, did the laundry, bought groceries - on top of studying 8+ hours a day.

 

While we were separated in H.S., he had plenty of one night stands. He banged everyone that gave him the chance.

 

Other than THIS/our relationship, he's only had one other serious relationship. They dated for about 6 months. And he saw her 2-3 times a week. When he wanted to get more serious, and go away for the weekend, she told him that she couldn't because that weekend was the weekend of her wedding. Turned out he was the 'other man' and he had no idea. But I don't see this affecting him or this, mainly because we've talked about HER. And he seemed to be over it.

[Late Nights]

Ok i see now. From a guys point of view its the combination of the immaturity + those girls. I think he really got played by one of those girls and got his feeling hurt. Its probably the married one. That right there will trigger a guy to think a girl if not ALL girls he came across is cheating because he had a bad experience.

 

I been at that stage before i think and when a girl doesn't give you her full attention or if shes always on the phone i would think crazy dumb stuff like that. And out of anger rage out and end things. Yup ive been there when i was 22 lol.

 

 

Hopefully that might give you a little better understanding of how he feels? Some people will change when they realize but some will remain the same until its too late.

[LD1990]

Did something happen in the past to make him not trust you? I just find it hard to believe that a guy would suddenly blow up and be so insecure about such a little thing as birth control without some prior reason.

 

Now, reading your post about his suspicious moments, I wonder if he has been cheating and all this anger is him projecting his own misdeeds onto you. When my ex was talking to guys behind my back, she was constantly accusing me of being unfaithful. And the stuff you found is pretty incriminating. Calling another girl pet names? Bringing condoms to Atlantic City for his friend? Where there's smoke, there's fire.

 

Based on what you posted, his reaction was ridiculous. Here's the thing: you need to get this situation sorted out, and he's acting like a child. You can't expect the guy who ran home to mommy and locked himself in his room when you came over to suddenly act like an adult about this. Don't let him call the shots here. His **** is in your apartment. Pick a date, and tell him "You need to let me know the day and time you're going to pick up your things by xxxx (whatever date you chose). I'll be discarding anything that isn't picked up by that date." Tell him this by email, text message, certified letter, something where you have proof of when you sent it.

 

You need to get this handled so you can get on with your life because if not, who knows how long he'll drag it out. Also, make sure you're there when he picks up his stuff, regardless of whether he whines about how he'd rather go when you're not home. It's your apartment, the last thing you need is him trashing it because you weren't there.

[Baggage09]

Did something happen in the past to make him not trust you?

 

NOPE. That's why this is completely out of character. I'm bewildered and my friends are completely confused.

 

We were fine leading up to this BC argument. Nothing was wrong, at least I didn't think so. The week leading up to the BC argument, we planned date night, we talked about our plans for the weekend, he asked me to go to a Family Reunion BBQ with him the week after. I feel like if something WAS wrong, he wouldn't have sat in bed with me planning on the 'near' future.

 

I wonder if he has been cheating and all this anger is him projecting his own misdeeds onto you.

 

The guilty conscience explanation. I've heard this a million times since this whole 'break up' began. I don't want to believe he was cheating. I'm still in denial. And I guess I'll never know for sure until he decides to actually tell me. Do people really do this though? Lie and wait like a lion, and pounce on you for any small infraction? Are people really that cruel?

 

Also, make sure you're there when he picks up his stuff, regardless of whether he whines about how he'd rather go when you're not home. It's your apartment, the last thing you need is him trashing it because you weren't there.

 

Okay, I'm getting conflicting answers re: whether to stay or go when he pacts. A month ago, I would have just let him in the apartment alone but right now, he's a complete stranger. But you bring up a GREAT point, I have NO IDEA what he'd do if I'm not here. I also don't want him taking my jewelry, laptop, HDTV, and some furniture. (Things he either bought FOR me or WITH me)

 

I'm actually thinking of giving him a little more time to respond about picking up his items. The letter just got to his mom's yesterday. (Certified mail baby!) & I don't think he even opened or read it yet. Also, the main reason is because I have 2 very important exams coming up soon.

[Baggage09]

Ok i see now. From a guys point of view its the combination of the immaturity + those girls... Yup ive been there when i was 22 lol.

 

Late Nights, you were 22. I was a mess when I was 22. I feel like at the age of 28, he should KNOW exactly what he wants. If he had a problem, he should TALK to me like a human being. We weren't a NEW couple you know? We've been friends for 14 years and have been partners in life for almost a decade. I feel like 'shutting' me out, no matter how immature/insecure you feel, is NOT the way to resolve an issue. How does anything get any better if you bottle everything up inside? Do all guys do this?

 

I hope he does realize that this is just a miscommunication, a mistake, and we can be on the road to recovery. And by recovery, I mean relationship counseling. It's hard for me to just disregard and erase him from my life because I've spent half of my life with him in it. And for the last 3 years, he was with me every day. Our lives had become so intertwined that now that he's not here, I don't know how to function, how to move on. He has prepared me for EVERY scenario in life but this one. He had a plan for us in regards to every situation, but this one.

[LD1990]

The guilty conscience explanation. I've heard this a million times since this whole 'break up' began. I don't want to believe he was cheating. I'm still in denial. And I guess I'll never know for sure until he decides to actually tell me. Do people really do this though? Lie and wait like a lion, and pounce on you for any small infraction? Are people really that cruel?

 

Keep in mind that a lot of times this "pouncing for any small infraction" is motivated by subconscious anger. To the person who's pouncing, that small issue is a huge boiling point, and they feel legitimately upset. They don't realize they're really picking a fight because they're upset with the relationship.

 

To answer your question of "are people really that cruel?" Well, yes, they definitely can be. People are inherently selfish and put their own needs first.

 

Okay, I'm getting conflicting answers re: whether to stay or go when he pacts. A month ago, I would have just let him in the apartment alone but right now, he's a complete stranger. But you bring up a GREAT point, I have NO IDEA what he'd do if I'm not here. I also don't want him taking my jewelry, laptop, HDTV, and some furniture. (Things he either bought FOR me or WITH me)

 

Yeah, even if you don't think he'd do anything, remember that your loving boyfriend is gone and has been replaced by a guy who's not your friend and really isn't too fond of you right now. And really, what's the harm in you being there when he gets his stuff? It may hurt to see him, but this is going to hurt regardless. As far as his feelings on the matter go, screw his feelings.

 

Best of luck.

[SevenCity]

So my therapist has advised against this. Her reasoning is that HE broke the relationship, so HE should be the one that has to do the dirty work and pick up the pieces. Is there a reason you think I should just pack up his stuff and send it back? I actually don't mind packing it all up, but it is 3 years worth of stuff and he has A LOT of stuff.

 

If you trust your therapist I would listen to him (rather than some dude from the internet).

 

The reason I say to get his stuff out is it is impossible to move on with constant reminders of your ex around. Also, it's taking a positive action towards your healing when there is little else you can do. Having his possessions in your place will never allow you to get to the point where you accept it's over. I've heard this referred to as the "nuclear option" - where you completely cut off all people / reminders of him in an effort to start the road to recovery.

 

Yes, I'll be the first to admit that I messed up. But people that know me, know I'm not this crazy impulsive person. I know you don't know me but can you just think of how hurt, disappointed and angry I must have been to even think of this as an option. But the five mintues in, I thought against it. My profile was 7% complete. I don't believe putting in my name, age, height and ethnicity warrants an 'end all' to a relationship. Especially since if you googled my name, ALL that information along w/ photos of me come up anyways. It's basically common information.

 

It's funny, you sound exactly like me. From what you posted (precise timelines, logical arguments, not impulsive, etc.) you seem to be a type "A" personality - perhaps a little OCD? Everything is black or white?

 

If I'm right, you are the type of person who looks for a logical solution in everything. You are presented with a problem and must take action to correct it. Creating a profile is like saying "Ok, you're done with me? Well here's what I'm going to do about it".

 

I, like you, was dating a very emotional person. They don't think like we do. From what you described of your ex he's on an emotional rollercoaster. To you and me, the eHarmony profile was nothing. To him it could have represented the proof he was waiting for to confirm his suspicions. I've learned logical arguments with emotional people tend to just make matters worse.

[Baggage09]

If you trust your therapist I would listen to him (rather than some dude from the internet).

 

Ultimately, I know what I do is really up to me. I just wanted both options explained so I can make the correct decision. You and my therapist both make a lot of sense. I still don't know what I'm going to do but when that day comes, I hope I make the right decision. Whatever that may be.

 

It's funny, you sound exactly like me. From what you posted (precise timelines, logical arguments, not impulsive, etc.) you seem to be a type "A" personality - perhaps a little OCD? Everything is black or white?

 

If I'm right, you are the type of person who looks for a logical solution in everything. You are presented with a problem and must take action to correct it. Creating a profile is like saying "Ok, you're done with me? Well here's what I'm going to do about it".

 

You're right. I am a little OCD and things are usually black and white. This situation is GRAY and I can't seem to handle it. There IS a right and wrong way to handle things and to me, the way he is handling it is WRONG. I feel like when I lay out facts and arguments, I argue like I would in court. I lay down all the facts, I lay out my side, I lay out his possible counterarguments and let him come to ultimate conclusion. But that isn't working this time. He isn't thinking logically/rationally or acting like the man I've loved for 14 years.

 

Creating a profile was stupid and probably one of the most impulsive things I've done in. . . my whole life. This is one of the ONLY mistakes I've made in our relationship ever. I can't get thrown out with just one strike. It makes no sense.

 

From what you described of your ex he's on an emotional rollercoaster. To you and me, the eHarmony profile was nothing. To him it could have represented the proof he was waiting for to confirm his suspicions. I've learned logical arguments with emotional people tend to just make matters worse.

 

IDK what's wrong with my ex. Something is happening and I wish knew what it was so I could help. He's usually extremely open with his feelings, two weeks ago, I could tell you everything about him, how he felt about his work, his friends, and me. But right now, he's shut me out completely. I have no idea what he's thinking, what he's doing, or whether he's even thinking of me. He could use my eharmony as 'proof' of his suspicions - baseless suspicions that he has made up in his mind. I'm not saying I'm innocent in all this, maybe I did make him feel unwanted during 2 months of bar prep, but I wasn't cheating - I was stressed out, sleep deprived, over worked.

 

I've really done all I can. I've reached out like an adult, I've left him alone when he's ask to be left alone, I've explained every possible 'allegation' he's thrown out, I've sent a letter asking him to contact me so we can schedule a day to move him out. Truthfully, the ball is in his court. There is literally nothing else more I can. (and if you can think of anything, please tell me.) I don't know how long this will drag on for but each day is excruciating and painful. If logic doesn't work, what will - do I also have to be taking crazy pills to connect with him? I feel like Mugato in zoolander right now.

[SevenCity]

Ultimately, I know what I do is really up to me. I just wanted both options explained so I can make the correct decision. You and my therapist both make a lot of sense. I still don't know what I'm going to do but when that day comes, I hope I make the right decision. Whatever that may be.

 

 

 

You're right. I am a little OCD and things are usually black and white. This situation is GRAY and I can't seem to handle it. There IS a right and wrong way to handle things and to me, the way he is handling it is WRONG. I feel like when I lay out facts and arguments, I argue like I would in court. I lay down all the facts, I lay out my side, I lay out his possible counterarguments and let him come to ultimate conclusion. But that isn't working this time. He isn't thinking logically/rationally or acting like the man I've loved for 14 years.

 

Creating a profile was stupid and probably one of the most impulsive things I've done in. . . my whole life. This is one of the ONLY mistakes I've made in our relationship ever. I can't get thrown out with just one strike. It makes no sense.

 

 

 

IDK what's wrong with my ex. Something is happening and I wish knew what it was so I could help. He's usually extremely open with his feelings, two weeks ago, I could tell you everything about him, how he felt about his work, his friends, and me. But right now, he's shut me out completely. I have no idea what he's thinking, what he's doing, or whether he's even thinking of me. He could use my eharmony as 'proof' of his suspicions - baseless suspicions that he has made up in his mind. I'm not saying I'm innocent in all this, maybe I did make him feel unwanted during 2 months of bar prep, but I wasn't cheating - I was stressed out, sleep deprived, over worked.

 

I've really done all I can. I've reached out like an adult, I've left him alone when he's ask to be left alone, I've explained every possible 'allegation' he's thrown out, I've sent a letter asking him to contact me so we can schedule a day to move him out. Truthfully, the ball is in his court. There is literally nothing else more I can. (and if you can think of anything, please tell me.) I don't know how long this will drag on for but each day is excruciating and painful. If logic doesn't work, what will - do I also have to be taking crazy pills to connect with him? I feel like Mugato in zoolander right now.

 

Welcome to my nightmare. Jump in, the water is warm.

 

I really wish I had some advice for you as I could use it myself in my current situation. I, like you, am facing a completely irrational emotional person. No amount of logic is going to help. For you or me, sure, but not for them.

 

I hope someone with an emotional mind can post some advice here for both of us.

 

The only advice I can share is to try to put logic to the side and take a look at things from his perspective. I didn't read all the replies but I remember seeing something about you thinking he may have been cheating. Perhaps he is forcing his guilt on you?

 

If it's not that, I think you have to let the emotions take their course. As an FYI I just rounded the 2 month mark in my situation. It's not fun at all. I'm envious because at least he has given you clarity - I don't have that.

[Baggage09]

Welcome to my nightmare. Jump in, the water is warm.

 

I really wish I had some advice for you as I could use it myself in my current situation. I, like you, am facing a completely irrational emotional person. No amount of logic is going to help. For you or me, sure, but not for them.

 

I hope someone with an emotional mind can post some advice here for both of us.

 

The only advice I can share is to try to put logic to the side and take a look at things from his perspective. I didn't read all the replies but I remember seeing something about you thinking he may have been cheating. Perhaps he is forcing his guilt on you?

 

If it's not that, I think you have to let the emotions take their course. As an FYI I just rounded the 2 month mark in my situation. It's not fun at all. I'm envious because at least he has given you clarity - I don't have that.

 

I caught him in two suspicious predicaments that led me to believe he might have cheated, but he had good explanations and I was willing to accept them and take them as the truth.

 

I don't believe he has given me any clarity in this situation at all.

I think he just made some stuff, and took a small thing and spun it into a 3 part problem and used it to break up with me. This doesn't settle my mind at all, doesn't help me. It's more confusing than anything.

 

His 3 prong argument is as follows: 1. I was sleeping around on him 2. BC was his confirmation that I was indeed sleeping around on him, 3. eharmony was the 'last straw' and confirmed that I was indeed cheating and sleeping around on him. GOD, all this is so STUPID, I have an explanation for everything and it seems convenient and looks bad on paper, but once anyone hears the explanation, everyone sides with me. I actually must rather him tell me 'I fell out of love', or 'I don't want to marry you', or 'It's over because I'm bored'. I feel like ANY of those would have been better for me because, I can't change how he feels about me, I can't make him marry me, and I can't 'unbore' him. Instead, I sit here daily wondering if I could have done something different, if maybe I spent less time studying and trying to advance my career, if we'd still be together.

 

I hope for your sake and mine, someone does come and post a 'emotional' response.

 

2 months in, does it hurt any less? I don't know if I can handle 2 months like this.

[SevenCity]

I caught him in two suspicious predicaments that led me to believe he might have cheated, but he had good explanations and I was willing to accept them and take them as the truth.

 

I don't believe he has given me any clarity in this situation at all.

I think he just made some stuff, and took a small thing and spun it into a 3 part problem and used it to break up with me. This doesn't settle my mind at all, doesn't help me. It's more confusing than anything.

 

His 3 prong argument is as follows: 1. I was sleeping around on him 2. BC was his confirmation that I was indeed sleeping around on him, 3. eharmony was the 'last straw' and confirmed that I was indeed cheating and sleeping around on him. GOD, all this is so STUPID, I have an explanation for everything and it seems convenient and looks bad on paper, but once anyone hears the explanation, everyone sides with me. I actually must rather him tell me 'I fell out of love', or 'I don't want to marry you', or 'It's over because I'm bored'. I feel like ANY of those would have been better for me because, I can't change how he feels about me, I can't make him marry me, and I can't 'unbore' him. Instead, I sit here daily wondering if I could have done something different, if maybe I spent less time studying and trying to advance my career, if we'd still be together.

 

I hope for your sake and mine, someone does come and post a 'emotional' response.

 

2 months in, does it hurt any less? I don't know if I can handle 2 months like this.

 

My situation is different. I have been in contact with my ex and we've met up and had sex several times and still exchange the I love yous and what not. She is supposed to come over tomorrow as well.

 

Mine ended because I broke it off when she said "I'm not sure when I'm coming home" after leaving for her house in another state. She's been insanely busy with school / work travel and our RL had turned into an old married couple's.

 

Despite the progress I've made, she brings up "hurt" that's happened in the past. Some are valid, but some I had nothing to do with at all and never knew about them. Regardless if real or imagined, she never said anything and the floodgates have opened and I'm trying to stay afloat.

 

To answer your question, yes, it has gotten easier. The first week I was ready to put my .45 to my head. Since then I've been up and down but not as bad as I was at first. Part of that was clinging to the hope of reconciliation, the other part is just accepting that she isn't in my life other than text and the visits every few weeks.

 

I realize that I will never get over her until she's out of my life (she still hasn't moved her stuff out of my house). I'm willing to give this until Labor Day because I was planning on asking her to marry me (we've been together 7 years).

 

If nothing else, I can say that I will never get over her as long as she is in my life (texts, sex, or her stuff). I know that I will get over her once / if she is gone. I've had an RL that ended and it was much worse - took me 2 years to get over it yet the RL was only 1 year.

 

Time is your friend but the duration is different for everyone and every situation.

[The_Onceler]

3 months later, we start up our long distance relationship again. Neither of us ever stopped loving one another, nor stopped thinking of one another. For 2 years, (now that we both had some money), we would fly to see each other every 4-6 months. When I graduated college, I had a long talk with my parents and decided that I was going to move BACK to City A, where B lived and relocate for love. I moved back to City A, I got an apartment and 3 years later in 2013, I asked him to move in with me. And he did. We recently just opened up a joint bank account, and bought a car together. A month ago, we were looking at wedding rings and he was telling me that we were going to be engaged by the end of the year.

 

Wow, I am sorry to see you go through this. Truly.

 

I am sure that there are so many questions in your head, and probably many, many nuances as to the reasons and causes, but it occurs to me that it may be the old standby: fear of commitment. You said that you just recently opened a joint account together and bought a car together. Then you were ring shopping and talking about engagements. Add to that the business about using BC (or hormone therapy) to prep your body for future children... Well, for a guy who is afraid of commitment, that may have just been too much.

 

And I can tell you - I guy can be excited at one moment about the prospect of marrying the girl he loves, and then the next moment be terrified by the same prospect.

 

Not that I am saying this is your fault, or you deserve to be treated badly, but perhaps this could explain why he went off the deep end?

[Baggage09]

Wow, I am sorry to see you go through this. Truly.

 

I am sure that there are so many questions in your head, and probably many, many nuances as to the reasons and causes, but it occurs to me that it may be the old standby: fear of commitment. You said that you just recently opened a joint account together and bought a car together. Then you were ring shopping and talking about engagements. Add to that the business about using BC (or hormone therapy) to prep your body for future children... Well, for a guy who is afraid of commitment, that may have just been too much.

 

And I can tell you - I guy can be excited at one moment about the prospect of marrying the girl he loves, and then the next moment be terrified by the same prospect.

 

Not that I am saying this is your fault, or you deserve to be treated badly, but perhaps this could explain why he went off the deep end?

 

Okay, so this makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE to me than the whole him cheating on me thing. This speaks to me on a much deeper level. So recently, his 3 best friends have gone through some huge changes. One of them got married in March, his best friend of 26 years just got engaged, and his other friend is thinking of popping the question sometime this year. I had a feeling that it might have been 'too much, too fast', like everyone he knew and i knew were all getting engaged, married, having children and I get how that can be scary. Trust me, I was freaking out too.

 

Maybe he was scared of commitment, maybe everything was happening too fast and he didn't know how to deal and it spiraled out of control. I can see that. But really, it still doesn't explain why he had to spin this ALL around on me. Make me feel so guilty that I had contemplated suicide. That's not fair, it's not nice and it's just plain evil.

 

And it all comes back down to communication. Why didn't he just open up like a human being and say something to me. I wasn't pressuring him to marry me, I waited this long, what's another two years? He's the one that said 'by the end of this year.' I never gave him that option/ultimatum. He said it, and if he was feeling like 'maybe that's not the right time', he could have told me. I wouldn't have left. I've stuck by for this long, we're practically married anyways - an engagement, a wedding - none of that matters. Love. Love is what matters. I would have stayed here until he was ready. He could have just said something. Really. Anything.