Author so gutted Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 He keeps pushing because he knows you are weak and can't stand up for yourself. Get mad, tell him NO MEANS NO. He didnt take up my offer to meet in public again, so i guess he has gone. Its a relief.
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 (edited) He keeps pushing because he knows you are weak and can't stand up for yourself. Get mad, tell him NO MEANS NO. This. Exactly. There is no way that I would allow this man in my home. No way I would go out with him again and pay for the date. If you are not interested, tell him No and forget it. It is better to be single than in a bad marriage. There are ALWAYS other options. Forget this guy. Get yourself together and know that something better will come along. You REALLY need to work on your self confidence and self esteem. You really need to sort through these cultural issues. And, you really need to deal with your past/develop some healthy boundaries in relationships. Only then should you even consider dating again. Edited August 30, 2016 by BaileyB
Author so gutted Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 This. Exactly. There is no way that I would allow this man in my home. No way I would go out with him again and pay for the date. If you are not interested, tell him No and forget it. It is better to be single than in a bad marriage. There are ALWAYS other options. Forget this guy. Get yourself together and know that something better will come along. You REALLY need to work on your self confidence and self esteem. You really need to sort through these cultural issues. And, you really need to deal with your past/develop some healthy boundaries in relationships. Only then should you even consider dating again. Im working on it. The only way out is to get married. This culture treats you like a prostitute when your unmarried. Even with this pressure i cannot agree to this deal.
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Im working on it. The only way out is to get married. This culture treats you like a prostitute when your unmarried. Even with this pressure i cannot agree to this deal. With all due respect, I don't believe that. I work with people from traditional families... I understand that there is pressure to marry. But, you live in the west. I'm assuming you are educated because you say you have a good job. There are ALWAYS options. I feel that the fact that you feel there are no options has less to do with your culture than wih your all or nothing, catastrophic thinking. THIS, needs to be discussed with a counsellor. This is the last I will say, and know that I offer this observation without knowing you... But, based on your comments, I don't discount that culture is important - but your thinking seems very, very confused and distorted. The BEST thing you can do for yourself is to find a good counsellor who can help you to deal with this. Good luck to you. 5
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 He didnt take up my offer to meet in public again, so i guess he has gone. Its a relief. I am asking again, why don't you date outside your culture or religion? You are 40 something, you are way past the age to let culture dictate your life. At your age you do as you wish and you F the rest of the world. We asked you more than once if you lived in a western country? 1
Author so gutted Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 I am asking again, why don't you date outside your culture or religion? You are 40 something, you are way past the age to let culture dictate your life. At your age you do as you wish and you F the rest of the world. We asked you more than once if you lived in a western country? Yes i live in the west. I have dated outside the culture, its very difficult to overcome certain engrained issues.
Redhead14 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Yes i live in the west. I have dated outside the culture, its very difficult to overcome certain engrained issues. So gutted, the "issues" you are dealing with go beyond cultural requirements/norms. You have suffered abuse and lots of disappointment. You're struggling with emotional upheaval and that needs to be dealt with before you can make any decision about whether you want to adhere to your cultural norms or break away and observe Western cultural norms. Take some time to heal from your difficult relationship situations and get focused and centered on YOU for a while. If you continue to date while you are struggling with all this, you will be exposing yourself to more potential harm which will just compound everything for you. For your emotional and mental health, it's imperative that you give yourself some space from all this for a little while anyway. This thread is going around in circles and it's playing out what's going on inside of you right now. You'll end up emotionally exhausted. Remind yourself that you are a 40 year old woman, who can stand on her own two feet and has the power to do whatever she wants to do without a man in her life. A man can't make you happy. He should only enhance the happiness you already have for yourself. Find other things that make you happy and that you enjoy doing for a while. I, for one, cannot support a culture that implies that you are anything less than a woman who deserves to be happy and can be secure in herself as a single, independent, person living in this world. 2
BaileyB Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 So gutted, the "issues" you are dealing with go beyond cultural requirements/norms. You have suffered abuse and lots of disappointment. You're struggling with emotional upheaval and that needs to be dealt with before you can make any decision about whether you want to adhere to your cultural norms or break away and observe Western cultural norms. Take some time to heal from your difficult relationship situations and get focused and centered on YOU for a while. If you continue to date while you are struggling with all this, you will be exposing yourself to more potential harm which will just compound everything for you. For your emotional and mental health, it's imperative that you give yourself some space from all this for a little while anyway. This thread is going around in circles and it's playing out what's going on inside of you right now. You'll end up emotionally exhausted. Remind yourself that you are a 40 year old woman, who can stand on her own two feet and has the power to do whatever she wants to do without a man in her life. A man can't make you happy. He should only enhance the happiness you already have for yourself. Find other things that make you happy and that you enjoy doing for a while. I, for one, cannot support a culture that implies that you are anything less than a woman who deserves to be happy and can be secure in herself as a single, independent, person living in this world. Very well said, and very true.
Author so gutted Posted December 4, 2016 Author Posted December 4, 2016 So - this guy has come back - asking me to cook him Dinner. He admitted we could also have a glass of wine and see what happens... I find it really insulting that a guy wants payback for his dates ... 2 months later...and if a guy wants things to go further why not in a neutral location. In my place feels wrong and i do not want to carry this up.
BaileyB Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 And, we go around the same circle yet another time... 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 I feel trapped. He has given me an ultimatum and invited himself over for dinner. He gave me his availablity. I agreed and now feel resentful. It is clear he wants someone that can cookand clean. I feel like I am being judged. I do not invite men over. I feel that because he paid for 3 dates he wants something back. I agreed because i was glad he has come back, but i just want to carry on dating in public places not slave over a hot stove. He has traditional ideas, the woman must cook his dinner. I have other aspirations which i have not discussed with him. I'm sorry but did I read correctly that you are in your 40's, waiting for marriage to have sex and expect this man to stick around taking you out on dates all the way to marriage? It looks like you both have traditional values so what is wrong with him expecting you to cook and clean? Can't be all on your terms only. If he is willing to wait to sleep with you, make him a home cooked meal. Big deal.
Author so gutted Posted December 4, 2016 Author Posted December 4, 2016 He has also mentioned getting closer. Its a festive time so he is preying on my loneliness.
Redhead14 Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 I'm sorry but did I read correctly that you are in your 40's, waiting for marriage to have sex and expect this man to stick around taking you out on dates all the way to marriage? It looks like you both have traditional values so what is wrong with him expecting you to cook and clean? Can't be all on your terms only. If he is willing to wait to sleep with you, make him a home cooked meal. Big deal. This guy has been d*cking her around for quite awhile. Actually, she's been allowing herself to be d*cked around. More importantly, she has difficulty making and enforcing boundaries for herself. Having his guy to her house may prove to be a big mistake for her. He, supposedly, disappeared for 2 months . . . however, she's been dealing with him since before August. He knows she's been waffling on her boundary regarding intimacy. He just keeps checking in once in while to see if she will finally "give it up". He has said as much . . . 1
Author so gutted Posted December 4, 2016 Author Posted December 4, 2016 He even mentioned a few dates he had been on. Again he backed out of meeting in public as i suggested. He said we have tried that lets do something different. He even settled for a takeaway at mine - saying its a start. (His suggestion). Once a man starts coming over the dates stop. Its not whsy i want. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 He even mentioned a few dates he had been on. Again he backed out of meeting in public as i suggested. He said we have tried that lets do something different. He even settled for a takeaway at mine - saying its a start. (His suggestion). Once a man starts coming over the dates stop. Its not whsy i want. Good, stick with it. This guy hasn't changed his approach with you. If anything, he's just getting more aggressive. I don't trust him and neither should you. 1
Shining One Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 Once a man starts coming over the dates stop. Its not whsy i want.I can't fathom the logic behind this conclusion. I'm not saying you should necessarily let the guy come over, but I am saying this conclusion is just plain wrong.
Sunkissedpatio Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 Oh thanks Redhead I hadn't read the entire thread, my bad. I did however just from the first page and last couple of pages deduce that the OP is having great difficulty with setting boundaries. So gutted - you say this guy is preying on your loneliness, so you clearly are aware of the signs. If you honestly feel this way then why would you allow yourself to get sucked into his games? 1
Redhead14 Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 I can't fathom the logic behind this conclusion. I'm not saying you should necessarily let the guy come over, but I am saying this conclusion is just plain wrong. It's her conclusion . . . right or wrong. This woman needs to figure her sh*t out, especially with this guy, and learn how to draw a line for herself. She might be wrong on this particular view, but it's important for her to start enforcing/embracing something as a starting point. In this particular case, it doesn't matter why she doesn't let him in, so long as she doesn't. The end justifies the means . . . Her premise, however, is not necessarily too far off track. Very early in a relationship if the dates start being at home, the dates do stop. It's usually best to keep them public for a little while anyway. This guy knows what he's dealing with . . . a confused, conflicted woman who could be manipulated. This is one of the few times where I've observed that she's trying to maintain her boundary with some fortitude. She needs that. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 Once a man starts coming over the dates stop. Its not whsy i want. That's only true if you decide to have him over and cook for him from here on out. I mean you can cook for him and treat him to a meal at yours and then let him make plans again. You do have a say in the matter. If he disappears because you are not inviting him over for a home cooked meal every time then you cross that bridge when it comes. This particular guy may not be worth the hassles but as a general rule you really should try to curb this victim mentality of yours that you are helpless in all these situations, you have more power than you give yourself credit.
Redhead14 Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 Oh thanks Redhead I hadn't read the entire thread, my bad. I did however just from the first page and last couple of pages deduce that the OP is having great difficulty with setting boundaries. So gutted - you say this guy is preying on your loneliness, so you clearly are aware of the signs. If you honestly feel this way then why would you allow yourself to get sucked into his games? Yeah, this thread has been spinning for quite sometime It's hard to get caught up. I can't always read through an entire thread and sometimes come in the middle I hope this isn't the middle of this one! I keep hoping for it to end where the OP has become a strong, secure, independent, woman who is happy with herself and her life and, if it's in the cards, she finds a man who loves her and adds to her life and isn't just a fill-in for loneliness. 1
Author so gutted Posted December 4, 2016 Author Posted December 4, 2016 I think he is struggling (conflicted also) but it is not appealling or manly to keep asking for a homecooked meal because HE wants to feel homely and comfortable. I did not pick his call up bevause he cancelled meeting outside for coffee. After calling me rude, we then spoke. I said no to his offer to come to my place! He then suggested reasons why i'm saying no.. He is keen not to meet in public so the dates are likely to stop. If it was a 1 off dinner maybe but i cannot deal with this each time. We very clearly want different things. Im not doing the housewife routine so that he had the upper hand as to when he will seal the deal. This feels so wrong and rude. You do not ask (many times) for a dinner. Cheap.
Sunkissedpatio Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 He could just be trying to get you alone at home to make the moves on you and convince you to change your "no sex 'til marriage" rule.... So I'm curious, why are you even still talking to this guy?
Author so gutted Posted December 4, 2016 Author Posted December 4, 2016 He sms me. I replied. He has mentioned wine and getting closer.. I think all thos should be in neutral locations.
Sunkissedpatio Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 Ya but just because a guy you are seeing is clearly no good for your texts you doesn't mean you have to continue the cycle of nonsense. Block his number if you don't have the will power to not respond when he texts. But stop the insanity already. 4
Recommended Posts