Author so gutted Posted August 25, 2016 Author Posted August 25, 2016 I ignored him. Just as i was moving on and realising he was out of my life, he sms and i did not respond (as there had been too many silences abd i felt it was just the generic hi how are you sms). This stung him Enough to call that evening. Saying he was busy and he had called me etc. I said there has been a long time without real contact and the change was on hus side. He AGAIN invited himself over to test me out. He admitted he wanted to test my culinary skills out?? This was an ultimatum. I said he had invited himself over before. I think his investment of a few dates was enough snd he now wants payback. I find this very unmanly.
JewelD Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 I ignored him. Just as i was moving on and realising he was out of my life, he sms and i did not respond (as there had been too many silences abd i felt it was just the generic hi how are you sms). This stung him Enough to call that evening. Saying he was busy and he had called me etc. I said there has been a long time without real contact and the change was on hus side. He AGAIN invited himself over to test me out. He admitted he wanted to test my culinary skills out?? This was an ultimatum. I said he had invited himself over before. I think his investment of a few dates was enough snd he now wants payback. I find this very unmanly. You claimed to have found a lot of things wrong with this man but you still talk to him so obviously it's not that big of a deal to you. I don't understand the point of complaining about his actions and then going back for more. Just have him over and have sex already.
Author so gutted Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 I feel trapped. He has given me an ultimatum and invited himself over for dinner. He gave me his availablity. I agreed and now feel resentful. It is clear he wants someone that can cookand clean. I feel like I am being judged. I do not invite men over. I feel that because he paid for 3 dates he wants something back. I agreed because i was glad he has come back, but i just want to carry on dating in public places not slave over a hot stove. He has traditional ideas, the woman must cook his dinner. I have other aspirations which i have not discussed with him. I cannot agree to a life of servitude. Why am i feeling like this is my last opportunity and that im scaredof change?
elaine567 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 I feel trapped. He has given me an ultimatum and invited himself over for dinner. He gave me his availablity. I agreed and now feel resentful. It is clear he wants someone that can cookand clean. I feel like I am being judged. I do not invite men over. I feel that because he paid for 3 dates he wants something back. I agreed because i was glad he has come back, but i just want to carry on dating in public places not slave over a hot stove. He has traditional ideas, the woman must cook his dinner. I have other aspirations which i have not discussed with him. I cannot agree to a life of servitude. Why am i feeling like this is my last opportunity and that im scaredof change? He is a man with traditional ideas and you are a woman with other aspirations, so that cannot work long term. You have to tell him if he is looking for a housekeeper, cook and a nanny then you are NOT the girl for him, there is no point in leading him on to think otherwise. Stand up for yourself tell him you are not a woman who responds to ultimatums and that if he still wants to see you then you will see him for dinner in a restaurant. Tell him that you will pay, so that you can stop feeling beholden to him. If he is not pleased that will not cook for him, then so be it. As you say, you cannot agree to a "life of servitude".
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 You haven't set clear boundaries and that is a problem. You still haven't set clear boundaries - a man does not invite himself over to my house and come over until I want him there. Say NO if you don't want him in your home. And, he does not sound like a good guy. From the beginning, you moved fast so chances are he is looking for a physical relationship. The fact that he has invited himself over after a long period of little contact is very suspect. I hate to say it, but this is what happens when you are unsure and inconsistent about your boundaries and unclear in your communication. This is why you need to get yourself together before you date anyone. Now, you are in a bind... 2
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 And just to say, I think you are spinning it and making it way more dramatic than it is when you start talking about a life of servitude. And, just to be sure you hear it - whether he takes you on three dates or thirty dates - a woman NEVER owes a man anything. You always have the ability to say NO - to kissing, touching, or cooking and having him in your home. Now would be a good time to practice saying NO!
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Tell him to get lost as simple as that. A gentleman does not invite himself over he waits for an invitation. This guy has written dominaring and abusive all over him. Dump. 1
Author so gutted Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 The fact that he became distant (a few sms here and there) after i indicated no intimacy has killed it. Now there is little contact apart frim this ultimatum. Even if i did cook for him, my fear is that he will keep wanting this. It seems unreasonable. I am feeling guilty because i am letting an opportunity go but i feel resentful. Isn't the man supposed to Invite me over? He said previously if i dont invite myself over you will never move forward. Is this nerves or non interest (from me). He also has eldeely parents. I can see the offer, cookand clean for me and parents and i will house you.
joseb Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 what culture are you talking about? So this has been asked a couple of times, I can't imagine the OP has missed it every time? I'd love to know - and where you find these gems who invite themselves over to be waited on! 3
introverted1 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 So this has been asked a couple of times, I can't imagine the OP has missed it every time? I'd love to know - and where you find these gems who invite themselves over to be waited on! To be fair, it seems that the OP is conflicted. She's ~40yo and although she's had sex with others in the past, her current position is that she won't have sex until marriage. I suppose this could be categorized as being quite traditional. This guy has paid for every date they've been on, also quite traditional. But she draws the line at cooking for him. Personally, I am struggling to understand what SG wants in a relationship or what she believes she brings to the table. 1
clia Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 It's a little over the top to assume he wants you to effectively be his slave and cook and clean for him and his elderly parents for the rest of your life just because he invited himself over for dinner. It's far more likely that he wants sex. All you have to do is say no. Tell him he's not invited over. Why is that so difficult? Or just order a pizza. 2
Author so gutted Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 So this has been asked a couple of times, I can't imagine the OP has missed it every time? I'd love to know - and where you find these gems who invite themselves over to be waited on! I'm worried about my identity being protected. I have LS to remove all my posts, as if i get discovered i could get killed for this.
Author so gutted Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 It's a little over the top to assume he wants you to effectively be his slave and cook and clean for him and his elderly parents for the rest of your life just because he invited himself over for dinner. It's far more likely that he wants sex. All you have to do is say no. Tell him he's not invited over. Why is that so difficult? Or just order a pizza. He has hinted about his parents before. I can say no but i need a reason.
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 It's creepy - a man doesn't invite himself over to your house anytime... He waits for an invitation. Last night, I went out wih my boyfriend who I have been dating for more than six months... When we got home, he said "we'll, you are tired. I should get home." I invited him in and he said "of course, I'd love to come in." What he is doing is pushy, and creepy, and really entitled - considering you have had no contact lately. Run away from this man and sort yourself out. 1
Author so gutted Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 To be fair, it seems that the OP is conflicted. She's ~40yo and although she's had sex with others in the past, her current position is that she won't have sex until marriage. I suppose this could be categorized as being quite traditional. This guy has paid for every date they've been on, also quite traditional. But she draws the line at cooking for him. Personally, I am struggling to understand what SG wants in a relationship or what she believes she brings to the table. This is it, i thought this was what i wanted but the deal is too much. His parents are not going anywhere, this is why he wants to check if i can cook. I find it rude and he will then ask again? It will not be a one off. Traditionally all this happens after marriage or things are official.
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 (edited) I'm worried about my identity being protected. I have LS to remove all my posts, as if i get discovered i could get killed for this. So, either you are overly dramatic or you live a country where women do not have rights - India, Pakistan, Middle East? If that's the case, the advice we have been offering is not appropriate. Edited August 30, 2016 by BaileyB 1
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 He has hinted about his parents before. I can say no but i need a reason. If you don't want to tell him to get lost and you absolutely need a reason to save your face and reputation than I can think of a few: * I am sorry I cannot continue with you my parents have found me a future husband. Thank you for your interest and good luck.
Author so gutted Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 So, either you are overly dramatic or you live a country where women do not have rights - India, Pakistan, Middle East? If that's the case, the advice we have been offering is not appropriate. Origins are from middle east but live in the west.
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Origins are from middle east but live in the west. That's what I wondered - caught between old traditions and more modern, western thinking. I can appreciate that you are torn between family, culture, and tradition... I just hope that you remember that you always have a choice. I hope that you don't tie yourself to a man who won't treat you well because you feel that you don't have a choice or deserve anything more. Be careful. Mixed messages and communication that is unclear will get you in trouble.
Author so gutted Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 That's what I wondered - caught between old traditions and more modern, western thinking. I can appreciate that you are torn between family, culture, and tradition... I just hope that you remember that you always have a choice. I hope that you don't tie yourself to a man who won't treat you well because you feel that you don't have a choice or deserve anything more. Be careful. Mixed messages and communication that is unclear will get you in trouble. Thanks. I am very conflicted. I thought this was the answer but it feels unnatural, forced and i am giving up too much. Contrary to my mental state i am very young looking, attractive and have a good job. This deal is not enough, even with no options. His charm (and the fun of dating) has run out and this is reality. Living with him in a bad area with his parents and a loss of my aspirations.
Author so gutted Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 So i told him i am Not comfortable. He was ok but said you need to start sometime. I said im happy to meet publically, with me paying. He sort of pushed the dinner one last time. Its not what i want!!!
clia Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 So i told him i am Not comfortable. He was ok but said you need to start sometime. I said im happy to meet publically, with me paying. He sort of pushed the dinner one last time. Its not what i want!!! Why are you even continuing to see this guy? 1
ChickiePops Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 So i told him i am Not comfortable. He was ok but said you need to start sometime. I said im happy to meet publically, with me paying. He sort of pushed the dinner one last time. Its not what i want!!! Why are you so reluctant to turn down a guy you clearly have absolutely ZERO interest in?? You've GOT to stop thinking that EVERY SINGLE date you have is your absolute last chance at marriage. You seem to say that in every thread you start, and yet you keep finding new dates. The last one wasn't your last chance, and I seriously doubt this one will be..plus, the faster you ditch this demanding a-hole, the faster you can find the next one.
preraph Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 He wants you to hurry up and cook dinner for his parents so he can hurry up and marry you and have sex. If you don't like the way he's pressuring you, PLEASE break up with him. Do you want to put up with that forever???
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 So i told him i am Not comfortable. He was ok but said you need to start sometime. I said im happy to meet publically, with me paying. He sort of pushed the dinner one last time. Its not what i want!!! He keeps pushing because he knows you are weak and can't stand up for yourself. Get mad, tell him NO MEANS NO.
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