Author so gutted Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 This is not about declaring celibacy prior to marriage. She's just confused to a spectacular degree. She has suffered some abuse from men and was raped. She needs to process all of that before she dates. She is incapable of really knowing what she wants. And, I'd be concerned for her safety as she clear doesn't know how to establish and keep boundaries -- i.e. she said she's determined to be celibate before marriage -- absolutely no intimacy of any kind -- she now had a man who wasn't on that page and backed off because of it -- and now she wants to reconsider her boundary because the guy lost interest to draw him back to her. THAT'S A PROBLEM . . . I saw a missed call from him so i called back, he didnt answer until the next day by sms. Apologizing for missinh my call and then asked how i was. Had a sms conversation about nothing in particular. He said he hadnt heard from me but was busy. Maybe he mis dialled? He was acting like i called him. Why is he in contact at all? Its confusing.
Author so gutted Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 It just sounds to me like he was hoping for a relationship that included sex and was unaware you were not likely to want that before marriage. Once you let him know that, then he had to review the situation. His brief responses suggest that he is not giving up on you, but keeping it brief. He is probably wondering what to do now but has not entirely dropped you. I see nothing wrong in you wanting the kind of relationship you have mentioned. You do need to let the guy know very early on though, or you will end up in this situation again. He will see it as a rejection of him. Realistically, I doubt most guys would expect to wait until marriage these days, but you have every right to set the rules and they have every right to accept or reject them. I would say this guy is not sure what to do but will probably back off now. It doesn't make him a bad guy for doing so. Yes, talking about hotels is a bit presumptuous but you could always put him right there if it was a bit too soon. No sex at all until marriage would probably put most men off though, if only because they need affection too and that is one form of physical affection. He called me. Th contact has been there but not like before. He is acting unfairly by keeping in contact.
BaileyB Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 He is acting unfairly? Seriously? You have a choice. You have made your choice and communicated to him. Now, you have the choice to end contact with him - if it's not going to be what you want. Nothing about what he is doing is unfair. 3
Author so gutted Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 He is acting unfairly? Seriously? You have a choice. You have made your choice and communicated to him. Now, you have the choice to end contact with him - if it's not going to be what you want. Nothing about what he is doing is unfair. I have extended a hand to him, he should arrange a meeting to discuss rather then small talk on sms.
Redhead14 Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I saw a missed call from him so i called back, he didnt answer until the next day by sms. Apologizing for missinh my call and then asked how i was. Had a sms conversation about nothing in particular. He said he hadnt heard from me but was busy. Maybe he mis dialled? He was acting like i called him. Why is he in contact at all? Its confusing. He is simply checking to see if you're still there and hooked until such time as he doesn't have anything better to do or anyone else to see. Do not respond to him in anyway. They do it because they can and get a response. You did call him . . . you returned his call . . . I saw a missed call from him so i called back 1
itstoni Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 There really isn't any reason to keep this thread alive. OP Doesn't reason to logic which is no surprised. Doesn't even take into consideration the tips she's being fed. Just another old angry woman mad at men for her mistakes. My tip is to just end it with him since he wants sex and you don't. Either give it to him or look for a clueless man 2
BaileyB Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 (edited) I have extended a hand to him, he should arrange a meeting to discuss rather then small talk on sms. He's just checking to see if you are still there... And you are doing the same thing. What you are doing is so unhealthy. And, it's never a good idea to have expectations that he "should" be doing anything... Let this go. I suggest that you think about what you want and how to have a healthy relationship. Edited August 18, 2016 by BaileyB
Author so gutted Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 He is simply checking to see if you're still there and hooked until such time as he doesn't have anything better to do or anyone else to see. Do not respond to him in anyway. They do it because they can and get a response. You did call him . . . you returned his call . . . I saw a missed call from him so i called back I meant he didnt seem to acknowledge that he calles me. Well im not his back up. I will not answer now.
Author so gutted Posted August 18, 2016 Author Posted August 18, 2016 He's just checking to see if you are still there... And you are doing the same thing. What you are doing is so unhealthy. And, it's never a good idea to have expectations that he "should" be doing anything... Let this go. I suggest that you think about what you want and how to have a healthy relationship. I think it was too much mentioning no intimacy to him. He is right, you need to know if your compatible on that level. I feel i made a mistake. All this fear comes from the past. The thought of being alone is making me ill.
joseb Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 The thought of being alone is making me ill. Well there is your problem. The thought of being alone shouldn't "make you ill". I suggest you do some work on yourself, and get to the point where you are happy in your own skin before looking for any kind of relationship. 5
BaileyB Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 I feel i made a mistake. All this fear comes from the past. The thought of being alone is making me ill. Counselling! The single best thing you can do for yourself is counselling, not dating! Take care of yourself! 3
Redhead14 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 (edited) I think it was too much mentioning no intimacy to him. He is right, you need to know if your compatible on that level. I feel i made a mistake. All this fear comes from the past. The thought of being alone is making me ill. So gutted, I understand that you are lonely. But, I would be prefer to be lonely than be with someone who is not right for me or someone for whom I have accommodated myself to. You aren't clear in your head about what your needs really are. Spend some time focusing on just YOU. Find things that you enjoy doing for yourself. A hobby/interest. Join a club, a bowling league. Try everything. Explore. Find something you have a passion for. For me, it's photography. I love to take a drive on a nice Saturday morning searching for nature/landscape photo ops. I view it kinda like fishing. I have seen and photographed some amazing animals and scenes. I have framed a number of them for my condo. Astronomy has been an interest for me as well. There are astronomy clubs, photography clubs. Get out their and be social. Not with the goal of finding someone, just to learn how to interact and understand people better but more importantly, to be able to understand and get to know yourself. I do have an SO but I live a rich, fulfilling life outside of my relationship and it runs parallel to it. If anything ever happened and the relationship ended, I would still have ME. Take a break. If you can, seek counseling for past abuse. It's important that you deal with those things and find an outlet. Someone who understands and can help you get refocused and centered. Edited August 19, 2016 by Redhead14 5
Gaeta Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 I think it was too much mentioning no intimacy to him. He is right, you need to know if your compatible on that level. I feel i made a mistake. All this fear comes from the past. The thought of being alone is making me ill. There is a reason why you thought no type of intimacy was a good idea. You have to figure out why. Was it out of revenge against men that have hurt you, was it because being intimate is repulsive to you, you need to figure it out. Intimacy is something to be shared, it's not something to hold in ransom for a commitment. You may have a very bad surprise by playing this. One day you'll marry a man and then discover he is a brute in bed and you'll be stuck with him for the rest of your life. 1
Author so gutted Posted August 19, 2016 Author Posted August 19, 2016 There is a reason why you thought no type of intimacy was a good idea. You have to figure out why. Was it out of revenge against men that have hurt you, was it because being intimate is repulsive to you, you need to figure it out. Intimacy is something to be shared, it's not something to hold in ransom for a commitment. You may have a very bad surprise by playing this. One day you'll marry a man and then discover he is a brute in bed and you'll be stuck with him for the rest of your life. The reason is the disgust that other men have shown me after intimacy. The mentality that they have used me (not fully) and therefore i am not marriageable. These men then find the pure wives. The culture cannot accept intimacy. Its considered dirty outside of marriage.
Redhead14 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 The reason is the disgust that other men have shown me after intimacy. The mentality that they have used me (not fully) and therefore i am not marriageable. These men then find the pure wives. The culture cannot accept intimacy. Its considered dirty outside of marriage. Where do you live? 1
Gaeta Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 The reason is the disgust that other men have shown me after intimacy. The mentality that they have used me (not fully) and therefore i am not marriageable. These men then find the pure wives. The culture cannot accept intimacy. Its considered dirty outside of marriage. Is pursuing men outside your culture an option?
phineas Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 There really isn't any reason to keep this thread alive. OP Doesn't reason to logic which is no surprised. Doesn't even take into consideration the tips she's being fed. Just another old angry woman mad at men for her mistakes. My tip is to just end it with him since he wants sex and you don't. Either give it to him or look for a clueless man Welcome to LS:lmao:
phineas Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 I meant he didnt seem to acknowledge that he calles me. Well im not his back up. I will not answer now. Look you are deluding yourself if you think he wants you as a back up. You have absolutely nothing to offer him. Just stop talking to him. 1
kendahke Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 Any type of intimacy ... Dial back your expectations with this guy. They are unrealistic. Completely unrealistic. No grown man is going to abide a romantic relationship with a woman who treats him like her uncle. 1
kendahke Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 I have extended a hand to him, he should arrange a meeting to discuss rather then small talk on sms. actually, you should have had him on block since, to you, he was a jerk.. what you are doing is being manipulative and that's a very dangerous game to play when you are not all the way psychologically whole. You're already moving your boundaries to keep at this manipulation game of yours. He probably has sniffed that out and isn't going to wade any deeper into this. He sees you running headlong after him for attention--he doesn't have to do anything but let you play yourself out and most likely will still walk away. That "no intimacy whatsoever before marriage" bell can't be unrung. Stop playing yourself out. 1
kendahke Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 The reason is the disgust that other men have shown me after intimacy. The mentality that they have used me (not fully) and therefore i am not marriageable. These men then find the pure wives. The culture cannot accept intimacy. Its considered dirty outside of marriage. what culture are you talking about?
kendahke Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 The thought of being alone is making me ill. and that thought is going to cause you to keep making some really bad decisions--- you will continue to attract men who come up short because you're more invested in not being alone/being by yourself with your own company, not in them. Anyone can be the cog in the wheel for you--the wheel being you not being alone. If you feel this way about yourself, how do you expect someone else not to follow your cue?
salparadise Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 what culture are you talking about? Responding to a question... add that to the list of what she doesn't do. She has a set of circumstances, beliefs and wants that do not reconcile––mutually exclusive. Everyone keeps telling her that she has two choices, a) soften the hard line a bit to enable possibilities, or b) learn to like being alone. Neither is acceptable. So it's option "c" by default. Nothing changes.
stillafool Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 I saw a missed call from him so i called back, he didnt answer until the next day by sms. Apologizing for missinh my call and then asked how i was. Had a sms conversation about nothing in particular. He said he hadnt heard from me but was busy. Maybe he mis dialled? He was acting like i called him. Why is he in contact at all? Its confusing. Because you called him. He was being polite to get back to you. Leave him alone.
stillafool Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 I have extended a hand to him, he should arrange a meeting to discuss rather then small talk on sms. To discuss what?
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