He turned nasty

[so gutted]

I'm sensing that you feel he's an a@@hole because you were't able turn him into the marrying kind in three dates. He's supposed to become so enthralled that he'd follow your rules and pursue relentlessly until you either reject him or agree to marry him, is that correct?

 

If you deem a man who wants sex as an a@@hole, well I got some news... you're going to run into an awful lot of a@@holes. Perhaps an arranged marriage would be a possibility?

 

No - i think HE is one because HE mentioned a future and marriage and even weddings. I guess one could say that HE could have asked about it sooner too.

[kendahke]

.i think HE is one because HE mentioned a future and marriage and even weddings..

 

With you in particular or in general? I mean, there is nothing wrong with telling someone that you'd someday like to be married, etc. in general. If he was saying that he wanted to marry you without even knowing what kind of a person you are, then he was looking for a cog in a wheel--he wasn't looking to make you in particular his wife.

[Vado]

There is a difference between no sex before marriage and no kiss before marriage. I didn't sleep with every woman I kissed. A kiss does not always lead to more...

 

I don't think there are a lot of men who want to marry a girl they never kissed, because they basically hang out like brother and sister.

[so gutted]

With you in particular or in general? I mean, there is nothing wrong with telling someone that you'd someday like to be married, etc. in general. If he was saying that he wanted to marry you without even knowing what kind of a person you are, then he was looking for a cog in a wheel--he wasn't looking to make you in particular his wife.

 

He said when are we getting married. He talked about the type of wedding his dealbreaker was that he didnt want a huge wedding etc. It was specific to me. He led me to believe he was a decent guy respecting cultural boundaries.On this basis I thought that boundary would be accepted too.

[so gutted]

There is a difference between no sex before marriage and no kiss before marriage. I didn't sleep with every woman I kissed. A kiss does not always lead to more...

 

I don't think there are a lot of men who want to marry a girl they never kissed, because they basically hang out like brother and sister.

 

In my experience they end up pushing again for more and then have the nerve to hold it against you after.

 

The last guy - gave me a look of utter disgust after just holding me for a while, no kissing.

[Josmatjes]

I have met a new, guy. We have been on a few dates all enjoyable. He has paid for each one and we have spent a few hours together each time.

 

Yesterday, he started mentioning the next stage and mentioned a hotel we should go to at some point to check out the rooms....

 

I was clear (but not horrible) and stated that I am not planning on getting physical with anyone before marriage. He tried to persuade me otherwise (not the full thing, kissing etc). I said that because of past experiences I am aiming for a long term relationship and would prefer not to get intimate. He agreed to a point.

 

We then had dinner and he again insisted on paying. I thanked him by sms after. I got a fairly cold response of "no worries".

 

Today I asked how he was as he had not sms first (after 3 weeks) and he replied 3 hours later saying "busy, you?.

 

 

Again a cold response.

 

I am annoyed that he has turned out like this. All the compliments etc seem false now and his true colours are showing. He did say previously I was difficult to read.

 

He has contacted me first and said he missed me, enjoyed spending time with me etc yet he does not respect my wishes. I have shown him that I am interested, just not in that way.

 

Is this the end?

 

I think it was a little presumptuous of him to suggest checking out a hotel... I mean really?? Wtf!

[so gutted]

I think it was a little presumptuous of him to suggest checking out a hotel... I mean really?? Wtf!

 

now i think about it he mentioned going away together on date 1, and i said I will not be going away with you and you know why. He accepted that.

[introverted1]

There is a 5 year age gap - i am 5 years older then him. He is early thirties.

 

OP, you wrote the above 2 years ago, so you must be in your late 30's by now.

 

Have you ever had sex?

 

Most men are going to assume that a woman your age has had sex and is open to including sex in a relationship. If this is not the case for you, you should say something sooner rather than later. The fact that a grown man isn't interested in a sexless relationship does not make him nasty, just incompatible.

[JewelD]

He said when are we getting married. He talked about the type of wedding his dealbreaker was that he didnt want a huge wedding etc. It was specific to me. He led me to believe he was a decent guy respecting cultural boundaries.On this basis I thought that boundary would be accepted too.

 

That didn't seem weird to you at all? A stranger talking about marrying you?

 

now i think about it he mentioned going away together on date 1, and i said I will not be going away with you and you know why. He accepted that.

 

and you continued to date him because....? Seems like you did kind of talk to him like a child. If you're that worried about a man pressuring you into sex, you shouldn't be dating him.

 

All these red flags, you knew this was not a match but you dated him anyway.

[Gaeta]

You said it's not about bitterness and punishing men but there you are repeatedly referring to last man.

 

This man here is not last man.

[Redhead14]

I have met a new, guy. We have been on a few dates all enjoyable. He has paid for each one and we have spent a few hours together each time.

 

Yesterday, he started mentioning the next stage and mentioned a hotel we should go to at some point to check out the rooms....

 

I was clear (but not horrible) and stated that I am not planning on getting physical with anyone before marriage. He tried to persuade me otherwise (not the full thing, kissing etc). I said that because of past experiences I am aiming for a long term relationship and would prefer not to get intimate. He agreed to a point.

 

We then had dinner and he again insisted on paying. I thanked him by sms after. I got a fairly cold response of "no worries".

 

Today I asked how he was as he had not sms first (after 3 weeks) and he replied 3 hours later saying "busy, you?.

 

 

Again a cold response.

 

I am annoyed that he has turned out like this. All the compliments etc seem false now and his true colours are showing. He did say previously I was difficult to read.

 

He has contacted me first and said he missed me, enjoyed spending time with me etc yet he does not respect my wishes. I have shown him that I am interested, just not in that way.

 

Is this the end?

 

Is this the end? -- You should make sure it is by not responding if he continues to contact you not because he's a bad guy, but because you two just aren't on the same page. It seems he's backed off anyway, which is ok.

 

He does respect your wishes, however, your wishes and his wishes are different. He wants a dating scenario that includes intimacy and you don't. He may like you but not enough to give up his wishes. So be it. It is what it is . . . he liked you, he thought you were attractive enough to ask you out. The compliments weren't false. You two just aren't on the same page. Move on from this one and find a man who has the same desire to wait for intimacy.

 

You two had been out a couple of times and came to the point where this subject came around. He didn't know that you wanted to wait for marriage when he started dating you and you didn't know he was ok with or hoping to have sex early. And, sure, if a guy really, really likes you, he will wait for a while anyway, but maybe not wait until wedding day.

 

All the compliments etc seem false now and his true colours are showing. -- The fact that he wants intimacy doesn't make him a bad person/guy. And, you don't know he would only be wanting to be with you for the sex anyway. He may have been intimate with you and continued to date you to the point of marriage, who knows? I'm not saying you should put aside your desire to wait. You just need to date people who are on that same page and if they aren't, you move on.

 

In fact, he really does respect your wishes because he understands you're not on the same page and if he tried to force himself to hold off and continue to date you, he'd probably become resentful at some point.

 

It's OK if you want to wait for marriage to become intimate, however, not being intimate does not guarantee that that will happen. In other words, just because a woman says she wants to wait, doesn't mean a guy automatically says, "hey, she's a keeper" and that he should continue date her. A guy wouldn't do that, but "the guy" would.

[Grapesofwrath]

I don't see anything "nasty" here. He came to understand that dating you would mean celibacy for him. This is a huge ask and the vast majority of men will not be on board with that.

 

He paid for your date because he's a decent sort and figured it was the right thing to do. I think he was trying to avoid being a jerk about it. But now that he knows you are firm on this boundary, he will move on to someone who will bew physically intimate with him in a relationship. Totally reasonable.

[phineas]

Is OP a virgin or not?

 

I don't know any culture where a man would be ok with a woman who has had sex in the past without marriage then decided he had to marry her in order to have sex with her.

 

And if she waits until a 3rd date to tell him?

 

Yeah, he's gone.

[ChickiePops]

Yeah, it's over. No need to analyze. Next!

[so gutted]

Is OP a virgin or not?

 

I don't know any culture where a man would be ok with a woman who has had sex in the past without marriage then decided he had to marry her in order to have sex with her.

 

And if she waits until a 3rd date to tell him?

 

Yeah, he's gone.

 

Maybe you live in a tent. There are cultures that condition both men and women that its wrong and dirty for the woman to have sex before marriage. The men still try it and usually reject the woman

After. They then go for a clean version approved by their mum.

[salparadise]

Maybe you live in a tent. There are cultures that condition both men and women that its wrong and dirty for the woman to have sex before marriage. The men still try it and usually reject the woman

After. They then go for a clean version approved by their mum.

 

 

Are you trying to put that genie back in the bottle?

 

If you've spent the last 20 years single, dating, having sex, then decided it's time to snag a husband, and the way to accomplish that is to act virginal... well, it's unlikely that the marry-a-debutante types are going to be all glassy-eyed.

 

You keep ignoring questions about age and history. I wonder if you're attempting to rewrite history... and are baffled as to why celibate young suitors looking to marry a virgin aren't lining up with bouquets of flowers, rehearsing their proposals.

 

Instead you're getting dirty old men who want sex...ewww.

[Art_Critic]

From this side looking in it seems like you used this to slaughter him with, I think you raised the bar to a level you knew he wouldn't be able to reach and then cut him off at the knees as him being a bad person or jerk in order to make yourself feel like men suck..

 

It was a sacrificial relationship it seems... did it help you get passed whatever was causing you angst ?

[Toodaloo]

Maybe you live in a tent. There are cultures that condition both men and women that its wrong and dirty for the woman to have sex before marriage. The men still try it and usually reject the woman

After. They then go for a clean version approved by their mum.

 

Regardless. The fact remains that your views are very much in the minority. So go for men who hold the same values and views as you.

 

It is unfair to date men who are clear that they would at some point in the near future like to have sex with you and you refrain from telling them your views and just keep stringing them along.

 

This guy didn't turn nasty. He just got fed up with dating someone who is clearly of a very different page to him. So he has gone to find someone who is more in tune with his thinking.

 

It is not wrong or dirty to have sex before marriage. Its just personal view points and choices. I am sorry that you believe what should be a loving act between two mutually consenting people to be "wrong" or "dirty"... I for one do not regret sleeping with any of the men I have slept with. I was not married to any of them either.

[DramaInPajamas]

It would not be appropriate to say this on date one, too heavy.

 

Its not bitterness at all, its a well thought out decision.

 

It can never be just a kiss etc it leads to more.

 

Why cant it just be a kiss. It doesnt have to lead to more unless you have no self control.

 

Or you are not only saying no sex before marriage, you are saying no nothing. Not petting, no seeing you naked, nothing of any kind unless he marries you.

 

Good luck with that.

[introverted1]

Maybe you live in a tent. There are cultures that condition both men and women that its wrong and dirty for the woman to have sex before marriage. The men still try it and usually reject the woman

After. They then go for a clean version approved by their mum.

 

At nearly 40, you should have developed the skills for dealing with this situation by now, as well as an understanding that you should only date men within your culture. Instead, your post history reveals a pattern of continuously dating guys on whom you pin unrealistic hopes and dreams and then declare nasty or evil once the relationship ends.

 

It is probably time to take a break from dating and figure out your own patterns and how to break them so that you can have a healthy relationship.

[so gutted]

From this side looking in it seems like you used this to slaughter him with, I think you raised the bar to a level you knew he wouldn't be able to reach and then cut him off at the knees as him being a bad person or jerk in order to make yourself feel like men suck..

 

It was a sacrificial relationship it seems... did it help you get passed whatever was causing you angst ?

 

This is spot on. I felt very pressurized when he was talking marriage and looking me in the eye. It seemed real. I felt trapped and could only think of the wonderful things I would be losing out on by marrying him. He is old fashioned at home and "modern" when dating. A hypocrite. I don't think I wanted him anyway and this was probably for the best. I don't like his coldness thats all, it seems a massive uturn.

 

My counsellor says I should be more firm.

[Gaeta]

OP: I think you are the one living in a tent.

 

An 18 year old virgin wanting to wait till marriage is cute.

 

A non-virgin woman approaching middle age wanting to wait till marriage is a big conspiracy.

 

You are dating men that have been married and expect them to go back to abstinence. A divorced man knows too well how sexual compatibility is important. There you are expecting them to not even touch you, at your age, you know what that sends as a message? That sends that you are a frigid woman that doesn't like sex and they'll end up having to beg for bad sex for the rest of their life. NO man is going to sign up for this.

 

If you absolutely want to remain in your tent and want men to obey by your tent rules then you need to seek an arrange marriage as someone else suggested.

[Redhead14]

This is spot on. I felt very pressurized when he was talking marriage and looking me in the eye. It seemed real. I felt trapped and could only think of the wonderful things I would be losing out on by marrying him. He is old fashioned at home and "modern" when dating. A hypocrite. I don't think I wanted him anyway and this was probably for the best. I don't like his coldness thats all, it seems a massive uturn.

 

My counsellor says I should be more firm.

 

If a man is talking about marriage within a few dates or so, he is either just talking about it as his general goal for his future not specifically with you. If he is being specific about you so soon, there is something else going on and you should back off anyway.

 

I don't like his coldness thats all, it seems a massive uturn. -- It's not a massive u turn!!!! He realized you were serious about wanting to wait for sex and so he's backed off. That's what he should do. Because you want different things. Why would he continue to be enthusiastic about you when he knows he would be wasting his emotion and time on a woman who he knows isn't going to be right for him already.

I felt trapped and could only think of the wonderful things I would be losing out on by marrying him. -- You felt "TRAPPED" after dating a guy a few times???? You are blowing this whole experience out of proportion. You are talking as though you had been dating this guy for quite some time and that somehow he had been leading you down the garden path and taking advantage of you. You had a few dates with him, he wanted to become intimate, you explained your position and he moved on. He hasn't done anything wrong.

 

could only think of the wonderful things I would be losing out on by marrying him -- You were idealizing him in your head before you even really got a chance to know him. Don't do that to yourself. Stay focused on each dating partner and be in the moments with them. You are feeling hurt by this guy because you were already marrying him in your mind. That's being desperate. Learn how to keep that in check. It's OK to daydream a little, but stay realistic.

 

My counsellor says I should be more firm. -- Well, it appears you were firm enough to drive your message home with this guy, he backed off from you!!!! Your counsellor has a ton of work to do with you.

[so gutted]

OP: I think you are the one living in a tent.

 

An 18 year old virgin wanting to wait till marriage is cute.

 

A non-virgin woman approaching middle age wanting to wait till marriage is a big conspiracy.

 

You are dating men that have been married and expect them to go back to abstinence. A divorced man knows too well how sexual compatibility is important. There you are expecting them to not even touch you, at your age, you know what that sends as a message? That sends that you are a frigid woman that doesn't like sex and they'll end up having to beg for bad sex for the rest of their life. NO man is going to sign up for this.

 

If you absolutely want to remain in your tent and want men to obey by your tent rules then you need to seek an arrange marriage as someone else suggested.

 

No - you are again missing the cultural point. He discussed marriage, wedding plans etc. He portrayed himself as a cultural person therefore this stance is not unusual at all in this culture. Whilst you think its unusual, its not in this culture.

 

What i am asking for is what these men usually marry.

[clia]

No - you are again missing the cultural point. He discussed marriage, wedding plans etc. He portrayed himself as a cultural person therefore this stance is not unusual at all in this culture. Whilst you think its unusual, its not in this culture.

 

What i am asking for is what these men usually marry.

 

Are you even from the same culture as him?

 

As Gaeta said, you can't put the genie back in the bottle. You are older and have had sex before. So, you can't give even give him "what these men usually marry." It's fine to wait to have sex until you are comfortable, but that doesn't even seem to be what you are doing.

 

Can you please clarify if you are only talking about sex before marriage, or if you told him any type of intimacy--like kissing--is also off limits until marriage?