so gutted Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 I have met a new, guy. We have been on a few dates all enjoyable. He has paid for each one and we have spent a few hours together each time. Yesterday, he started mentioning the next stage and mentioned a hotel we should go to at some point to check out the rooms.... I was clear (but not horrible) and stated that I am not planning on getting physical with anyone before marriage. He tried to persuade me otherwise (not the full thing, kissing etc). I said that because of past experiences I am aiming for a long term relationship and would prefer not to get intimate. He agreed to a point. We then had dinner and he again insisted on paying. I thanked him by sms after. I got a fairly cold response of "no worries". Today I asked how he was as he had not sms first (after 3 weeks) and he replied 3 hours later saying "busy, you?. Again a cold response. I am annoyed that he has turned out like this. All the compliments etc seem false now and his true colours are showing. He did say previously I was difficult to read. He has contacted me first and said he missed me, enjoyed spending time with me etc yet he does not respect my wishes. I have shown him that I am interested, just not in that way. Is this the end? 2
GorillaTheater Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 Is this the end? Likely so. Since I very much doubt marrying you was even on his radar, he realized that he would not be having a sexual relationship with you and wasn't game for that. Is the no sex before marriage a fairly new thing for you? I don't recall seeing that before. 8
GTR King Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 Looks like he wants to have sex with you and didn't like the idea of waiting till marriage 7
Author so gutted Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 (edited) Likely so. Since I very much doubt marrying you was even on his radar, he realized that he would not be having a sexual relationship with you and wasn't game for that. Is the no sex before marriage a fairly new thing for you? I don't recall seeing that before. yes - its new. I didn't mention marriage, he did a few times. All I said was I prefer not to do anything as one thing leads to another. I siad its less pressure if we just get to know each other (like we have been doing). I also mentioned that the last time I said this to a guy (who had the same morals it seemed) he disappeared. He said that was wrong - yet he has done the same. I am still a little shocked at his change. It seems like his effort has ran out. Edited August 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed quote formatting ~6
elaine567 Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 No sex before marriage is usually a religious/cultural thing and so men of that religion/culture expect it and are cool with it. Expecting your average Joe to just go OK, when he as never been celibate for any significant length of time since he lost his virginity, is a very big ask and will narrow your field of interested guys quite considerably. 8
clia Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 It sounds like you are saying you told him you want no physical intimacy at all -- not even kissing. Is that accurate? 5
Author so gutted Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 No sex before marriage is usually a religious/cultural thing and so men of that religion/culture expect it and are cool with it. Expecting your average Joe to just go OK, when he as never been celibate for any significant length of time since he lost his virginity, is a very big ask and will narrow your field of interested guys quite considerably. He agreed to no sex, but wanted other stuff. I think given that he mentioned the hotel, he is like most men they say its ok but in that situation they would try and pressurize you. He is from the same culture.
TXGuy Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 I think this is likely the end for this guy. You made it pretty clear that there would be no intimacy, and certainly no sex, before marriage. Most men will lose interest in a relationship with you once they realize that you are serious about that position and won't change your mind. There is a small slice of the male population that are willing to postpone sex until after marriage. However, most of those men would only be willing to make that deal with a woman who is a virgin. Perhaps the thought process is 'why should I have to wait if she already had sex with other guys before marriage. That leaves a very small sliver of men that will be willing to forgo sex before marriage with a non virgin. I assume there are some of those guys out there, but your search might be difficult. 3
Gaeta Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 Why did you wait 3 weeks to tell him no sex before marriage? By the way your reason for refusing sex before marriage sounds bitter and vangeful like you want to punish men. I think you concentrate on the wrong issue 6
Author so gutted Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 Why did you wait 3 weeks to tell him no sex before marriage? By the way your reason for refusing sex before marriage sounds bitter and vangeful like you want to punish men. I think you concentrate on the wrong issue It would not be appropriate to say this on date one, too heavy. Its not bitterness at all, its a well thought out decision. It can never be just a kiss etc it leads to more. 1
Shining One Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 OP, I'm sorry to put it this way, but he probably feels like you're not "worth it". From his perspective, he needs to keep putting in time and money and agree to a legal commitment before he gets something that he wants. The "risk" feels very one-sided unless you're bringing something substantial to the table. Why should he choose you over the various other women out there? 4
Author so gutted Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 I am wondering why he did not let me pay, as this discussion had taken place then. We still had an hour or so after the discussion where we talked about normal stuff. I am confused by his coldness, he did not even try to style it out.
Shining One Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 It would not be appropriate to say this on date one, too heavy.I disagree. I have dated two women who would not have sex before marriage. I had this information before we went on our first date. 5
Gaeta Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 It would not be appropriate to say this on date one, too heavy. Its not bitterness at all, its a well thought out decision. It can never be just a kiss etc it leads to more. This IS something you come out about on a very first contact even before meeting. What you desire is out of the norm so you don't drag it till the guy likes you and is emotionnally attached so he will get along with. How old are you? 7
JewelD Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 It would not be appropriate to say this on date one, too heavy. Its not bitterness at all, its a well thought out decision. It can never be just a kiss etc it leads to more. It would be very appropriate since some people would not want a relationship without sex. Waiting that long to tell him was a waste of both of your time because he may have had feelings for you but realized you're not compatible once you mentioned you didn't want to have sex. Now you caught feelings for him that could have been easily avoided. 3
Author so gutted Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 OP, I'm sorry to put it this way, but he probably feels like you're not "worth it". From his perspective, he needs to keep putting in time and money and agree to a legal commitment before he gets something that he wants. The "risk" feels very one-sided unless you're bringing something substantial to the table. Why should he choose you over the various other women out there? I totally get that. He has wasted his money and time BUT he did lay it on thick about marriage and a future. He used that line to build up to what he really wanted. The reason I have changed my stance is that these men will use it against you after and marry a PURE girl. It is a cultural thing.
Author so gutted Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 It would be very appropriate since some people would not want a relationship without sex. Waiting that long to tell him was a waste of both of your time because he may have had feelings for you but realized you're not compatible once you mentioned you didn't want to have sex. Now you caught feelings for him that could have been easily avoided. I was under the general impression from him that he would understand this stance as its the norm in this culture and at our age. 1
Shining One Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 I totally get that. He has wasted his money and time BUT he did lay it on thick about marriage and a future. He used that line to build up to what he really wanted. The reason I have changed my stance is that these men will use it against you after and marry a PURE girl. It is a cultural thing.If you don't mind sharing, what culture are you referring to? You say you have changed your stance. Does that mean you are not a "pure" girl?
JewelD Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 I was under the general impression from him that he would understand this stance as its the norm in this culture and at our age. Then why did you wait so long to tell him if you thought he'd be okay with it? and you also said no to any other physical contact later on when he asked about the hotel. Perhaps he thought you meant no intercourse but that you could still fool around. I don't think he's being mean or disrespectful, but he wants something you are not willing to give. Next time, just be upfront with the guy and tell him no sexual acts of any kind will be happening before marriage. 2
Author so gutted Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 Then why did you wait so long to tell him if you thought he'd be okay with it? and you also said no to any other physical contact later on when he asked about the hotel. Perhaps he thought you meant no intercourse but that you could still fool around. I don't think he's being mean or disrespectful, but he wants something you are not willing to give. Next time, just be upfront with the guy and tell him no sexual acts of any kind will be happening before marriage. i told him when he brought it up. I have been on 3/4 dates in the past when this has not come up at all. I think he has become cold because he cannot admit that he is a an a@@hole like the other guy. He cannot say, yes I pretended to be decent and long term but really I just want sex.
kendahke Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 I am wondering why he did not let me pay, as this discussion had taken place then. We still had an hour or so after the discussion where we talked about normal stuff. I am confused by his coldness, he did not even try to style it out. Sounds like he had some time to really think about what you dropped on him and he decided that setting you adrift was the best policy. Don't have an expectation that the men you meet will be ok with it. If you're going to abstain, then get used to being set adrift. Like someone upstream said, unless you're a virgin, it's a bit much to expect someone to marry you before you have sex with them. Yeah, it's a noble idea, but like all noble ideas, you may be wandering in the wilderness alone for a while til you find someone of a like mind. And even then, they may end up being horrible in bed but now you're married to them for the rest of your natural lives. 2
JewelD Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 i told him when he brought it up. I have been on 3/4 dates in the past when this has not come up at all. I think he has become cold because he cannot admit that he is a an a@@hole like the other guy. He cannot say, yes I pretended to be decent and long term but really I just want sex. That's the point, you should have told him from the jump so there would be no confusion about your boundaries as far as sexual acts that aren't intercourse. There are people waiting til marriage who don't have intercourse but do other things. He may have assumed you were one of those people. He's not an ******* for not wanting to be in a relationship without sex, especially when you didn't tell him until after 3 weeks. And he very well may have wanted a long term relationship, who knows, you didn't date very long. Just be grateful he is bowing out now instead of wasting more of your time. 3
kendahke Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 i told him when he brought it up. I have been on 3/4 dates in the past when this has not come up at all. I think he has become cold because he cannot admit that he is a an a@@hole like the other guy. He cannot say, yes I pretended to be decent and long term but really I just want sex. I guess I'm not getting why he needed to unzip the lizard on you to show you he wasn't on board with your news? Why couldn't he just go ahead, finish the date, pay for it and then decide that it's not good policy to keep feeding a dead end involvement? 1
salparadise Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 i told him when he brought it up. I have been on 3/4 dates in the past when this has not come up at all. I think he has become cold because he cannot admit that he is a an a@@hole like the other guy. He cannot say, yes I pretended to be decent and long term but really I just want sex. I'm sensing that you feel he's an a@@hole because you were't able turn him into the marrying kind in three dates. He's supposed to become so enthralled that he'd follow your rules and pursue relentlessly until you either reject him or agree to marry him, is that correct? If you deem a man who wants sex as an a@@hole, well I got some news... you're going to run into an awful lot of a@@holes. Perhaps an arranged marriage would be a possibility? 5
Author so gutted Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 That's the point, you should have told him from the jump so there would be no confusion about your boundaries as far as sexual acts that aren't intercourse. There are people waiting til marriage who don't have intercourse but do other things. He may have assumed you were one of those people. He's not an ******* for not wanting to be in a relationship without sex, especially when you didn't tell him until after 3 weeks. And he very well may have wanted a long term relationship, who knows, you didn't date very long. Just be grateful he is bowing out now instead of wasting more of your time. On the first few dates we were talking generally, if i brought up sex and laid down the law it would be out of context. He started hinting (i guess) when he siad when are you going to cook me dinner. I hate that, too soon and indicates he wanted to some over....boundaries. I guess i have learnt. I will not be contacting him as his reponse was pretty clear. thanks.
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