How to Respond ?

[DKT3]

I view this as after 33 years your wife knows you won't do anything about her sleeping with another man. Her respect for you is gone, she no longer sees you as a sexual being more like a wallet with legs or a vehicle to the life she wants.

 

Two ways to shake her to her core. File for divorce ASAP. Why? Because she done think you will, she thinks that you will accept this behaviour.

 

Secondly, accept the terms. Why? She likely doesn't believe you will land a woman in an open marriage. Go find you a woman 20 years her junior and watch her dance.

 

The one thing you absolutely can't do is beg plead or bargain her out of this affair.

[Just a Guy]

Hi deeply hurt. It is clear your wife wants an open marriage and wants you to agree to it. It is also obvious that she is not going to go back to being monogamous as she in her own words, feels more alive with the extra marital sex she is getting. It also is apparent that somewhere along the line the two of you stopped communicating your needs to the other and also probably, slipped into a comfortable room mate arrangement. Only, she did not give up on her desire for sex and when she found that you were not going to respond to her need, she just went out and got her needs met elsewhere.

 

Some people here are confusing what has happened here, with a regular affair where some degree of emotional connection exists before the sex starts. In your wife's case there is no emotional connection. It is more like a business relationship where they both get their sexual needs met through the other without any romance or emotions being involved. As such your wife is not living in some affair fog but is quite clear headed about what she is doing, why she is doing it and because of which she does not want to abandon you or the comfortable way of life she has. She has, in effect, become a Hotwife without your knowledge or permission and now that you know about it, she wants to continue with this arrangement and wants you to agree and approve her doing so such that she can enjoy the benefits of both worlds.

 

As someone else has said, you have two choices. One is to suck up and live the life of a cuckold or, two, begin divorce proceedings immediately if you find this situation intolerable and repugnant, and let her live her life the way she wants while you, likewise do the same, free of her baggage. There is no third choice because she has burnt that particular bridge. I remember reading on another website which is now defunct, of a case almost identical to yours with the exception that the couple there was much younger possibly in their late twenties or early thirties. It was written in an anecdotal form and was described by the husband. Unfortunately for him, due to financial constraints a divorce was not possible at the time and his wife was very aware of this fact. Couple this with the fact that she was good looking and could attract any man she wanted and so she laid down the law for her husband. She refused to give up her affair partner but compromised with her husband to the extent that if he came up with some commitment which required her to stay with him on a day she was supposed to meet her AP she would postpone her meeting with him. However this was of little consolation to the husband who was forced to accept the fact that his wife would meet up with her AP at least once a week. Later she started going on out of town trips with him across weekends where she would be away for two or three days. The husband found it intolerable but was hampered by the fact that he could not divorce her and she also did not want to divorce him. Paradoxically speaking she told him she loved him and this was just a pleasant diversion for her as she did not want to marry herAP. I guess you have to take a call on what you want and what you want to do. Whatever that I'd, I wish you the very best for the future.

Edited August 12, 2016 by Just a Guy

[lolablue17]

I know in person quite a few couples who live with open marriage. Many of them began exactly as you are now. Infidelity first, then talking about needs, and with some of them, one spouse felt that they reluctantly agreed to open marriage under pressure.

 

From this point, I've noticed that with some of them, the one that didn't want it, has changed his\her mind and was starting to like open marriage more than the one who initiated it.

 

But, there are others who tried and didn't like it and it led to divorce. Open marriage doesn't fit everyone. Try to find out with yourself do you wish to meet other women. Your wife should know that once you release the demon, she can lose control. It means that you might meet another woman, fall in love with OW, and wanting to leave your wife.

 

You don't have to limit yourself to the rules she dictates. If it doesn't fit you, just go ahead with amicable divorce.

[spanz1]

alright, here are my more dispassionate thoughts on your situation.

 

I assume there still is SOME sex with her? If she has completely turned off the sex spiggot with you, but is doffing some other guy's knob, then i agree she is divorce material. Secretly separate your finances, and talk to a lawyer.

 

But there might be a second alternative. She is screwing this guy. Yeah it feels GREAT for her. It is like a junky on Heroin! She has all this new sex/love/intimacy that she thought was over in your marriage, and just at a time in her life (menopause) when she was feeling unloved/ugly/fat due to the hormones going bonkers. Your giving up on bedding her, deservedly so, was eventually though of that you no longer saw her as attractive.

 

So she is going thru this new schoolgirl like crush on this new guy. Chemistry says that this new sex hormone high she is on will not last. In fact, at 6 months, she is probably wondering why it is not as thrilling as before! So there IS a chance you can win her back. Up YOUR sex game. if you are having impotence problems, RUN to a urologist and get some pills. And if the pills do not work, get some shots to use at home. THEN try to bed her again. See if you can not respark some love/lust/romance there.

 

And even if you can not respark any of that old fire, you will be medically set up to go find other women for fun.

 

But as you are now, an older and not sexually active man...it WILL be hard for you to find another mate. You WILL be raked over the coals financially in a divorce. So i would see if there was some way to work it all out!

 

Be prepared to discuss sexuality frankly. She may be introduced to new kinky sex acts by this guy, things she was afraid to ask you about.

 

And if she wants to keep her cake on the side, of COURSE you need permission to do the same.

Edited August 12, 2016 by spanz1

[BetrayedH]

I disagree that few marriages survive infidelity. In fact, 80% of marriages affected by infidelity do not end in divorce as a result of the infidelity.

 

I'm sorry, but I have to question this statistic. I've seen it bandied about far too often, dangling a carrot in front of betrayed spouses.

 

While I agree that there can be hope after infidelity (and that the strong stance you suggested is about the only way to get there), the fact is that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. Something tells me that suffering infidelity doesn't increase your chances of staying married by 30%. It's a bullcrap stat.

 

There are some stats that show as much as 70% of couples remain together at the two-year mark post D-day when a voluntary confession has occurred (I think that's a little different from what the OP has here). But for those situations where the affair was instead discovered, the numbers drop to 35% (and only half of those couples reported as being "happy").

 

I'd suspect that the numbers drop even further after the two-year mark. Hell, it took me nearly a year just to get my divorce after it was initiated and divorces aren't even difficult here.

 

I think it's better to present a realistic picture to the OP here. Half of marriages end in divorce and infidelity just dropped a big freakin' nuke on yours. The odds ain't good. And even if you manage to stay married, you may well end up in years of torture. Even for those with a truly remorseful wayward spouse, the marriage suffers for a good 2-5 years and, in many ways, is damaged permanently. Is your wife truly remorseful? Nope. She made you a nice big sh*t sandwich and you're sitting there trying to figure out of you can eat it. The bad news is that she's preparing a whole damn buffet for you.

 

Put the freakin' sandwich down.

[OneLov]

.I cannot carry on without her but I don't know how to accept what she wants to do going forward ,should I agree to her meeting with him occasionally or break our marriage and loose her, when she might get bored with him ?

 

Because neither option is what you want, it's a losing proposition. I'd go with the latter. Both options lack mutual respect for you. The latter at least provides you with the ability to maintain self-respect.

 

You've been with her your entire life. It's natural to be apprehensive about what life will be like with out her. I get it. Please take all the time you need to let this shockwave disperse. After it does, you will find that you will be ok. Nothing lasts forever and eventually we all will have to say our good-bye's. Rarely does anyone get to choose when that time has come. Unfortunately your time has come. I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you strength moving forward.

[iServe]

Thanks for bearing your heart with this forum. I agree with many of the post shared with you thus far. I would like to add the fact that you need healing and health personally as you move forward. Its absolutely okay to ask her for respect and responsibility. The doors have been opened to the unknown (STD"S) since another sexual partner have been pursued by your spouse. It has to be so painful. How will you cope or heal from this pain? She also needs some serious help with her issues. I want to encourage you to seek council, support, and healthy outlets to unpack your feelings, dump the dangerous emotions of anger and bitterness, and fight for peace within yourself. Take care and be hopeful for yourself, the kids, and your future.