How to Respond ?

[deeply hurt]

Well as the title says I have just found out my wife of 33 yrs has been cheating on me with another man for the past six months ,this has come as a complete shock to me as I was unaware of any real problems in our marriage which in hindsight is probably fatal.

Here is a brief outline of situation for which I am despondant as to what I can do to save my marriage and keep my family together ,we have been together since high school both of us pretty much single partners for life and up until now mostly happy ,with three kids.Things changed for my wife she says when she hit fifty and the menopause, saying she started to feel she was missing out on life.Up until then she had not been very interested in sex and this had frustrated me but middle age also gave me the usual ed difficulties and sensing her indiference to it we had stopped trying for which she never complained about missing sex. Then about six months ago she began to start sexting strangers which she admitted to later when I also found out she was having a relationship with another man at about the same time.My wife and this other guy apparently mutually agreed to a no strings no name relationship that was occasional once a week for a couple of hours and no one would get hurt as he would never leave his partner or she me, she says the relationship is more about friendship outside of marriage and not just about sex and is not love and is meaningless,this has shocked me as her previous attitude to sex was take it or leave it and now she is doing this with this other guy.

Going on and confronted her with it , she says that since she began doing this it has made her more alive and happy in herself and it changes nothing in how she feels for me and would never leave me but I have said I cannot live with the thought of her being with this other guy just for a few hours a week, it makes me feel physically sick to think of what they are doing . She wants me to have a more open relationship, I cannot bare the thought of loosing her but she says her life is much happier now and doesn't think she can go back to before and her relationship with this other person will probably fizzle out eventually .I cannot carry on without her but I don't know how to accept what she wants to do going forward ,should I agree to her meeting with him occasionally or break our marriage and loose her, when she might get bored with him ? for what its worth I do believe her when she says she wouldn't leave me but things change ,I know I am being weak by even entertaining her idea guess I'm clutching at straws.thanks for taking the time to read this.

[oldshirt]

I am sorry this has happened to you.

 

The marriages that survive infidelity ((which is pretty few to begin with) have some common if not universal similarities. Those are the WS immediately feels a sense of significant remorse, agrees to stop all contact with the AP, agrees to complete transparency, answers all the BS's questions fully and commits to lots and lots of heavy lifting and marital counseling to restore the trust and address the underlying issues etc etc.

 

Your wife hasn't really done any of that.

 

Not only does she not have remorse but she has stated she is happier and more fulfilled having a boyfriend and you at home. And from what you have said, she hasn't indicated that she has any intention of stopping the A.

 

Her stating she won't leave you doesn't sound like she wants to remain in a traditional exclusive marriage because she loves you and wants a full marital life with you, but rather is just agreeing to keep you on like a farmer might keep a faithful old hound dog and let him spend out the rest of his days laying on the porch.

 

You have two options here.

 

- one is to watch her get all dressed up and paint her toenails and leave for the evening to have wild porno sex with the OM and then launder her semen stained underwear for her the next day.

 

- and the other is to get a lawyer and get what you can out of a divorce and move on with your own life and do whatever you want without having to worry about her.

 

I don't see any kind of intimate, passionate, healthy, happy marriage with her in your future.

 

I am sorry.

[JewelD]

She wouldn't leave you but she would continue to see this man behind your back if you didn't agree to it. Now that you've confronted her about it, she should be apologizing and ending that relationship to focus on your marriage, but she's being rather selfish about it instead.

 

Not only does she want you to forgive her, but she wants you to go along with this freaky bs. She says it will fizzle out eventually and when it does, she will find someone new to replace him.

 

If you're not okay with this, you probably need to separate at this point.

[oldshirt]

Now to be fair, there are some people that when they are served with divorce papers and have to hire lawyers and divy up the marital property and assets and find a new home etc etc, they sober up and realize that it's more of a pain than staying married and decide to work on the marriage.

 

But I honestly don't see that happening here. It sounds like she checked out years ago and now that she has found someone that makes her motor run, she won't look back.

 

I think she will be ok with you hanging out at the house to talk about the weather and update each other on your kid's activities and help out with the household chores and expenses. But I don't see you being more than roommates and Unless you can transform yourself into a completely different person, I don't see you being able to change that.

 

I think your options are be a cuckold that watches her get prettied up to go out with other men and then welcome her home with their gunk dripping out of her.

 

Or toss her out to do as she wishes and you move on to live your own life as you please.

[Mr. Lucky]

I cannot carry on without her but I don't know how to accept what she wants to do going forward ,should I agree to her meeting with him occasionally or break our marriage and loose her, when she might get bored with him ? for what its worth I do believe her when she says she wouldn't leave me but things change ,I know I am being weak by even entertaining her idea guess I'm clutching at straws.thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

She's offering you crumbs - and worse than that, only the crumbs this other guy didn't want.

 

Oldshirt described it well. You can watch her spray on perfume and leave every Saturday night to be with him or you can face your fears of the unknown and retain your dignity and self-worth.

 

As she continues what she's doing, I'd guess pretty quickly the decision will become easier for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lobe]

The marriages that survive infidelity ((which is pretty few to begin with) have some common if not universal similarities. Those are the WS immediately feels a sense of significant remorse, agrees to stop all contact with the AP, agrees to complete transparency, answers all the BS's questions fully and commits to lots and lots of heavy lifting and marital counseling to restore the trust and address the underlying issues etc etc

 

I disagree that few marriages survive infidelity. In fact, 80% of marriages affected by infidelity do not end in divorce as a result of the infidelity. There is hope.

 

Also, my WH did not immediately feel remorse - he was too deep in affair fog to feel remorse. It was months before he graduated from "regret and shame and guilt" to actual remorse.

 

Maybe she is done, and won't come back, but you won't know until she realizes what she is risking losing. While I understand you want to save your marriage, your wife is not in any state of mind to do so right now. Your best course of action, regardless of whether this ends in divorce or not, is to do the 180. File for divorce or get a separation agreement done up, ask your wife to go stay with family and let her know if she goes to stay with her lover she will make it harder for you to consider reconciliation. My WH waffled like IHOP until I slapped him with a separation agreement, told him not to talk to me unless it was about the kids or the sale of the house, and suddenly he got real clear, real fast what he thought was actually important. Hint: it wasn't the lunch truck lady he was fisting in bathroom stalls at work...

 

You can find a tonne of resources about it online (Michelle Weiner Davis is the therapist who is credited with coining this last resort technique) but here is a quick version:

 

The 180

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

 

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

 

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

 

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

 

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.

[road]

Do you want to fight and save your marriage then you need to take steps to end WW affair.

 

 

I and others will guide you on how to fight this affair. It can be done and others have done it before.

 

 

So how did you find out?

Who else knows about the affair?

What proof do you have?

 

 

And, do you and are you willing to do the work?

[Marc878]

Your wfe is a cake eater. They don't want divorce just like the taste of cake.

 

You have some decisions to make. She doesn't want sex with you but OM is ok?

 

She decided to have an open marriage and just didn't tell you about it.

[oldshirt]

What proof do you have?

 

 

And, do you and are you willing to do the work?

 

The proof he has us that she told him about and that she likes it and feels great about it.

 

And it doesn't matter if he is willing to do the work. It's if she is will to do the work and if she is saying she feels great and feels alive and is having the time of her life, then the chances of her doing any heavy lifting is nil.

[Lobe]

And it doesn't matter if he is willing to do the work.

 

I think road meant if he was willing to take a gamble on doing the 180 or not...

 

It's if she is will to do the work and if she is saying she feels great and feels alive and is having the time of her life, then the chances of her doing any heavy lifting is nil.

 

This much is true - she's not going to carry any weight much less her share of it so long as you're holding down the fort while she plays clitoral tiddlywinks with other men.

 

OP, your wife needs consequences. Time to bring the hammer down and start taking care of yourself and your own needs. Either she turns around and catches up with you or she f*cks off permanently. Either way, ay least you know there's not ambiguity.

[oldshirt]

I disagree that few marriages survive infidelity. In fact, 80% of marriages affected by infidelity do not end in divorce as a result of the infidelity. There is hope.

 

I should have been more specific.

 

I should have said that few marriages survive the affair that go on to be happy, healthy, functional, intimate and without further transgressions.

 

There probably are quite a few that technically remain legally married but are tainted with further infidelities, maltreatment, lack of connection and intimacy etc etc etc etc.

 

All one has to do to remain legally married is to not file for divorce.

 

If no one ever made any waves or never stood up for themselves and allowed their WS to cake eat and walk all over them, then there wouldn't be any divorce in the world.

 

Remaining legally married isn't the same as having a healthy, happy and functional marriage.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

You can watch her spray on perfume and leave every Saturday night to be with him or you can face your fears of the unknown and retain your dignity and self-worth.

 

As she continues what she's doing, I'd guess pretty quickly the decision will become easier for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

^ This pretty much sums it up nicely. What are you willing to accept?

 

 

I will add this bit of feedback. It may not look like a good thing at this point, but looking back your will see what I mean: She is making this decision easy for you. There is no gray area where you might linger and oscillate over the idea of divorce or not. Some couples live for years riding the fence of "should I divorce or not".

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

No offense OP but i just cant understand your mindset. How is it that someone can say "i cant carry on without him/her" what does she do or bring to the relationship that makes you think this? I understand fears about huge life changes, but that is something you CAN do, just like everyone else. Why do you feel so dependant on another person to live? Might want to get in to counseling man. That is a terrible way to live. Probably has a lot to do with your wifes complete lack of respect for you as well.

[aliveagain]

Just tell her she is free to date anyone she wants, just as you are free to divorce her cheating a$$. Come on friend, you can do better then watch, your life's at risk. Help her pack the next time she goes out on a date drop her schitt of at her parents place. There's nothing to win back because your the prize, she's just your everyday cheating soon to be ex wife. Even "Big Wind" the worlds most powerful fire truck won't be able to wash the stench of her affair off of her used a$$. I know this is not what you want to hear but it's a hell of a lot better then having to smell the stench of the other man on her when she comes home at night. Expose her, expose him, get her out of your bedroom now because a second chance is earned and having her rub your face in it is just more abuse. Stand up for yourself, take yourself out of infidelity and talk to a lawyer.

[oldshirt]

Well as the title says I have just found out my wife of 33 yrs has been cheating on me with another man for the past six months ,this has come as a complete shock to me as I was unaware of any real problems in our marriage which in hindsight is probably fatal.

.

 

Actually for many if not even most affairs, there really aren't any "real problems" (other than the affair). Affairs are often the selfishness and entitlement of the WS and not due to any actual serious problem in the marriage.

[aliveagain]

This is not a situation where two adults sat down and together decided to open their marriage to other people with rules and boundaries to protect their relationship. She has had a boyfriend for the past half a year, unprotect porn star sex and everything. Now she is dictating her terms on you and shoving the sh*t sandwich down your throat. Being single is way better then sharing your wife with other men. Cut off her finances, don't facilitate her infidelity, don't finance it, show her what life without you is like. Read up on the "180" and make it your new way of life. Your marriage ended when she went shopping for a boyfriend. Expose, expose, expose.

[oldshirt]

This is not a situation where two adults sat down and together decided to open their marriage to other people with rules and boundaries to protect their relationship. She has had a boyfriend for the past half a year, unprotect porn star sex and everything. Now she is dictating her terms on you and shoving the sh*t sandwich down your throat. Being single is way better then sharing your wife with other men. Cut off her finances, don't facilitate her infidelity, don't finance it, show her what life without you is like. Read up on the "180" and make it your new way of life. Your marriage ended when she went shopping for a boyfriend. Expose, expose, expose.

 

This ^^^^^^^

 

She nuked the marriage and then stuck a fork in it.

 

She has no remorse and no intent to stop bopping this other dude. There is no "marriage" any more.

 

You can accept her demands that you accept her coming home with him on her breath and be her little houseboy that washes her underwear and folds her socks while she's out wrapping her legs around his shoulders.

 

Or you can show her the door and go forth and make a life for yourself.

 

By your own admission you two haven't been sexually active for a long time and have not had a close and intimate relationship for a long time. Now you have red carpet rolled out in front of you to pursue your own life and your own interests. You can now even go out and find a woman that respects and desires you and you can find a real relationship.

[turnera]

So I take it you want to fight to keep the marriage, right?

[Mr. Lucky]

No offense OP but i just cant understand your mindset. How is it that someone can say "i cant carry on without him/her" what does she do or bring to the relationship that makes you think this? I understand fears about huge life changes, but that is something you CAN do, just like everyone else. Why do you feel so dependant on another person to live? Might want to get in to counseling man. That is a terrible way to live. Probably has a lot to do with your wifes complete lack of respect for you as well.

 

If, as the OP states he just found out about this, he has to be allowed some time to process and recover from the shock.

 

When I found out about my exW's affair (OM's wife knocked on my door one night ), my first thought was "I wish I didn't know", just wanted to close my eyes and have the whole thing go away. Denial, disbelief and disorientation.

 

It takes a while to become proactive, longer for some than others...

 

Mr. Lucky

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

If, as the OP states he just found out about this, he has to be allowed some time to process and recover from the shock.

 

When I found out about my exW's affair (OM's wife knocked on my door one night ), my first thought was "I wish I didn't know", just wanted to close my eyes and have the whole thing go away. Denial, disbelief and disorientation.

 

It takes a while to become proactive, longer for some than others...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Oh i completely understand that. Just pointing out that train of thought isnt healthy. Even in a M without infidelity. If your actions show you cant live without another person, typically that person loses respect. Obviously his wife has shown she has zero respect. Wasnt even ashed to admit everything and say I wish to continue this bf on the side business and you can either accept it or not. Thats basically how she put it. She has zero fear of losing her cake eating status. I can only assume that is because she repeatedly crossed boundaries and he turned a blind eye for years and years cause he thinks he cant live without her. Of course this is speculation, but i imagine she had lost all respect for OP long before starting the affair.

[Jersey born raised]

You have sacrificed the most important element of a marriage, intimacy. The hugs, hello kisses, the sex for most of yout life. You have been conditioned to accept a sub-par marriage. Why him and not you. Why not the simple friendship and sex for you. Are you telling us that you never wanted more.

 

Step back and you will see your marriage has always been for her and only her. As for the other man hen owes you big. Find him and expose him to his family and friends. While it is 90% your WW it is 10% him. He said pick me. He could have been a friend of the marriage, he choose to destroy just to get laid.

 

Why the hell couldn't she sex you????????? Are you that rigid ? How many times did you want to explore something only to get shut down.

 

At this point do not discuss her actions and ideas with her. Instead talk to lawyers and plan your post divorce life. I see you life in Florida. Your wife wants that life style ? Move to the villages. She will be one of many but you will get tackled and bedded.

 

At all times be the 180. You might think you are to old to just leave. Wrong you are to old to put up with this bullshyt.

 

Does your wife work? Even if she does not Florida has changed there spousal support laws. Talk with a lawyer.

 

Understand you will lose any joy in life if you do not take a stand. Taking a stand starts with divorce papers. You don't have to file, but have then filled out and hand them to her.

 

Expose to family and friends. Why? She will make you out to ge a monster. She will deny the adultery and sexing and claim it is all in your head and just another example of you being abusive.

[Jersey born raised]

If she asks what can she do to fix the marriage start by saying make me feel as good about myself as you do him.

[BenchCoach]

Not to sound like some insensitive prick, but... you really need to MAN UP and take some action. where's your dignity and self-respect!?

 

As someone already pointed out, this isn't a mutual decision for an open marriage- your wife is blatantly cheating on you, and you're actually mulling it over. She is actively cuckolding you and you're allowing it, my good man.

 

I'm flabbergasted by what you're willing to endure to keep the status quo.

[yepsurething]

sorry you are going through this. I'm sure you are sick with worry and sadness.

 

I recently had an incident with my husband and for the first few weeks at least he was cold and unwavering about certain things, and still kept doing things he said he wouldn't behind my back.

 

but I kept on, even when I was given the advice to give up and divorce my husband...and I"m glad I didnt give up

 

because somewhere along the way with the fights and talks his heart was moved and I now see such a change in him, I think we are actually closer than we've EVER been even after something so hard,

 

because I think it made us both realize what we could lose without each other.

 

I'd really try to tell her how much you love her, and since she's feeling admired by another man, I would really try to make her feel beautiful and loved.

 

I think both my husband and I have found that by opening our hearts and just spilling how much we love each other and what we think about each other its done big things for both of us, our confidence in ourselves and our relationship is growing because of this.

 

I hope things work out for you.

[Mr Blunt]

Your wife is very deep in the fog and her selfishness. You are devastated and not taking a strong stance. A strong stance with consequences is your only hope of getting her back if that is what you want.

 

She wants what you bring to the marriage in terms of materialism and other things that is not rated to intimacy, sex, and desire. She is getting sex and other intimate actions from the OM without having the hard responsibilities that comes with life. You need to take away everything that you provide for her so that her happy and more alive life with the OM can start having her see a little reality.

 

The way I see your situation is that you have almost no choice. You can either compromise and tolerate and become a door mat or you can be determined to not be treated like a dirty dish rag and salvage your integrity and self-esteem. Yes you will hurt while you are making her deal with her consequences but you will hurt much more with no hope of healing if you allow her to walk all over you.

 

You need to get a plan to get stronger so that you can live with her or without her. If a man is willing to suffer and work at getting stronger he can get to the point that he does not need or want a betraying unremorsefull wife. However, your strong actions may jolt your wife back to reality and she may try and come back to you. Women do not respect men that allow their wife’s to so totally disrespect them and when the men do not take strong actions to prove their self-esteem they are viewed as very weak and undesirable. Strong, reliant and self-sufficient men are a very strong draw for some women.

 

Your wife has forced you to choose between two choices you will either get stronger or become a whim. You get to choose.

 

I have empathy for you my man but that will not do you much good. Your actions will determine your future.

Edited August 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T