Odds of Reconciliation

[hayu]

I (30 years old) sought advice on this from my friends and got mixed advice. So here's a brief recap.

 

Things started out quite causally, but nicely with this female (31 years old) I met online. We hit it off really well the first week we met and started to develop strong feelings for one another, we had 4 dates. Then after our 4th date she left the country to return home. Originally her trip was only to be a week, but it ended up having to be much longer (4 weeks), so we MUTUALLY agreed I should come visit her because we both missed each other. So I went to her home country and spent the weekend with her and met her close friends and family over the course of 3.5 days and we overall had a great time. While there, she initiated sex several times, but stopped me after 30 seconds or so each time. The last night I was there, I told her how glad I was that I met her and that I really liked her and that she was the right person for me. This talk scared her, and I could tell right away she was more distant.

 

We continued to communicate after I returned from my trip everyday, but I could tell she was less inclined to talk and less flirty over text and calls. Then one day I got a particularly bad feeling after we texted and I logged onto the website we met (she had taken her profile down after our 3rd date) and she was back online. I didn't mention it, and we continued to talk every day.

 

Before she returned, I decided to have a talk with her about why she was being more distant. She told me she liked me and cared about me, but wanted to go "slow". I agreed to this. She also revealed that a week before we met, she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years and that she had not been in a relationship with anyone but him in 5 years. When she finally returned home, we saw each other 4 out of the first 5 days she was back. On our second date after she came back, we went out and had a great time, and it was very intense. She told me that I wasn't a rebound and that she saw "a lot of potential between us". But she also told me that she still had feelings for her ex and as she was explaining it I said "I don't care about (ex's name), I love you". I started to backtrack on my words, and before I could explain myself, she started making out with me furiously. Again, she teased me with sex, but ultimately nothing happened. We saw each other the next two following days (going to a movie one night, then dinner the next).

 

After our last date, I decided to call her and ask when we were going to have sex (but in a much more tactful way), because I really liked her and she was driving me nuts and I wanted to see more of her. To which she replied, "I don't have sex with people I'm not emotionally attached to". And I argued with her that she clearly did have an emotional attachment to me, because of her actions, to which she offered no rebuttal. Then I asked her why she hadn't been initiating conversations, and she said that this was a conversation that we should be having "a year from now, not 2 months in" and that she felt like she was doing something bad to me. Then she said "If I wanted to be in a situation like this, I'd still be with (ex's name)." and burst into tears over the phone. Then she suggested we take a break for 3 weeks, and I said no and that I'd talk to her tomorrow.

 

The next day I texted her and apologized for upsetting her and she said she just wanted to be friends. I didn't really respond to her saying that. Then later I suggested we go on break because it'd be a waste to breakup just because we got the timing wrong. She agreed to this.

 

After one week I became impatient and asked for a second chance, she gave me the friends speech again, and I said that wasn't going to work for me at all, so we should just end it. Then she asked me to go back to "plan A" and not talk for a while and come back to each other later (not stating a time)and see if we can still date. I agreed to this, and I told her to call me when she's ready to talk, but just knowing how she is- even if she wanted to talk to me, she won't call.

 

It's been 2.5 weeks since I last tried to communicate with her. Since that time, she's stopped logging into her online dating profile. I really have never felt this way about someone and I know for a fact she felt something very strong for me too.

 

How should I proceed? - Some of my friends have said it's okay to wait (but still date people in the meantime). Others have said to simply give up. I actually have a date with someone else tomorrow night, and I am not really looking forward to it. I'm not sure what to do and I can't get her off my mind. Any help/advice would be appreciated.

Edited August 11, 2016 by hayu

[bighearted]

"She also revealed that a week before we met, she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years and that she had not been in a relationship with anyone but him in 5 years."

 

To which she replied, "I don't have sex with people I'm not emotionally attached to". And I argued with her that she clearly did have an emotional attachment to me, because of her actions, to which she offered no rebuttal."

 

Move on. You have a snowball's chance in hell at getting this woman into a healthy relationship, because of these two lines above. Sorry man.

[tomatome]

She has baggage, understandably so since she was one week removed from the break up of a LTR when she first met you. The range of emotions she is going through probably varies from extremely needy--to fill the void she is experiencing--to indifferent as she dwells on her past partner. Being intimate with you probably feels like she is cheating on the still fresh of the memory ex, which is probably why she blocks you at the last moment. None of this has anything to do with you personally, so don't be bitter, but she is likely emotionally unavailable for a new relationship and my strong recommendation would be that it is best to avoid her. Stop contacting her as it seems to be becoming a bit of an obsession on your part (hot/cold behaviour on the part of others will do that). Also, you seem to be indicating that this relationship would be a LDR, which is unlikely to work anyway.

 

Getting her out of your mind might take some time but if I were you I would keep that other date and go out for some non-serious get-to-know-you fun. Good luck OP.

Edited August 12, 2016 by tomatome

[hayu]

She has baggage, understandably so since she was one week removed from the break up of a LTR when she first met you. The range of emotions she is going through probably varies from extremely needy--to fill the void she is experiencing--to indifferent as she dwells on her past partner. Being intimate with you probably feels like she is cheating on the still fresh of the memory ex, which is probably why she blocks you at the last moment. None of this has anything to do with you personally, so don't be bitter, but she is likely emotionally unavailable for a new relationship and my strong recommendation would be that it is best to avoid her. Stop contacting her as it seems to be becoming a bit of an obsession on your part (hot/cold behaviour on the part of others will do that). Also, you seem to be indicating that this relationship would be a LDR, which is unlikely to work anyway.

 

Getting her out of your mind might take some time but if I were you I would keep that other date and go out for some non-serious get-to-know-you fun. Good luck OP.

 

It wouldn't be a LDR. And I don't plan on contacting her again as I left it up to her to reach out to me. I might say hi and ask how she's doing in a few months if I don't hear from her and see what happens. I'm not willing to give up on it yet as I've been through dozens of women over the last 2 years and none of them have meant much to me. Even the ones that dumped me, I wasn't upset at all by. This feels different in a lot of ways.