Getting a woman out of a bad relationship

[dpass]

A very good friend of mine is in a relationship with a man who she shares a child with. They have been together for... 4 years or somethin' like that.

 

She puts on a good front and it's easy to think nothing is wrong. He isn't physically abusive, not even really mentally/emotionally, he's just an ass. He doesn't respect her.

 

They share a toddler together. Since that kid was born he's done the bare minimum to help with it. He never got up in the middle of the night, rarely changed diapers, won't help night wean, doesn't go to the park, doesn't help unless she dumps the child with him and leaves. He's never had a full day with the kid.

 

She's working on her PhD, and is otherwise home with their child. He is working on his MBA and works part time (they mostly live off grants, scholarships). In his mind ALL the childrearing falls on her. Any mess the kid makes or is made for him (dinner) is HER mess and therefore her responsibility.

 

No surprise the kid is a mommies boy and doesn't want to spend time with his dad half the time.

 

She comes to me crying a lot, saying she wants out but it's too messy. They have the kid together, live together, lease, can't afford to live apart, she has no family, etc. She says there is no romance anymore, they never go out, he doesn't want to spent time with them, she doesn't know the last time they kissed or said I love you. Apparently he tells her he wouldn't be with her if they didn't have a kid and he doesn't want to marry her. He bought a ring, told her about it - couple years ago - but never gave it to her.

 

She wants to leave - needs to leave - but feels like she can't. And says it's not "that bad" since he doesn't hit her.

[JewelD]

You can't get anyone out of a bad relationship, they have to want to leave. and sometimes, people talk a lot of mess about how they're so unhappy and they're going to leave on this day and never look back but they never do it.

 

If it happens, it will be when she's ready.

[MissBee]

A very good friend of mine is in a relationship with a man who she shares a child with. They have been together for... 4 years or somethin' like that.

 

She puts on a good front and it's easy to think nothing is wrong. He isn't physically abusive, not even really mentally/emotionally, he's just an ass. He doesn't respect her.

 

They share a toddler together. Since that kid was born he's done the bare minimum to help with it. He never got up in the middle of the night, rarely changed diapers, won't help night wean, doesn't go to the park, doesn't help unless she dumps the child with him and leaves. He's never had a full day with the kid.

 

She's working on her PhD, and is otherwise home with their child. He is working on his MBA and works part time (they mostly live off grants, scholarships). In his mind ALL the childrearing falls on her. Any mess the kid makes or is made for him (dinner) is HER mess and therefore her responsibility.

 

No surprise the kid is a mommies boy and doesn't want to spend time with his dad half the time.

 

She comes to me crying a lot, saying she wants out but it's too messy. They have the kid together, live together, lease, can't afford to live apart, she has no family, etc. She says there is no romance anymore, they never go out, he doesn't want to spent time with them, she doesn't know the last time they kissed or said I love you. Apparently he tells her he wouldn't be with her if they didn't have a kid and he doesn't want to marry her. He bought a ring, told her about it - couple years ago - but never gave it to her.

 

She wants to leave - needs to leave - but feels like she can't. And says it's not "that bad" since he doesn't hit her.

 

Unfortunately, you can't be a superhero here and swoop in through a skylight and whisk her and her child away.

 

Perhaps, if he were abusive then you intervening would definitely make sense and be called for, but if he's just a run of the mill not good bf that she is with, then it's gonna be on her to leave. All you can do is perhaps encourage her to seek some counseling to give her the strength to leave. Crying to you is a nice place to vent but doesn't really solve her problems, so her addressing with a professional and objective party why she thinks she has to stay may be more useful for her in actually making a decision. All you can do is support whatever decision she makes, but you cannot "get her away" or do it for her.

[dpass]

You can't get anyone out of a bad relationship, they have to want to leave. and sometimes, people talk a lot of mess about how they're so unhappy and they're going to leave on this day and never look back but they never do it.

 

If it happens, it will be when she's ready.

 

She continuously says that she wants out but that it isn't possible because of the shared lease and finances. I honestly think that's the biggest thing holding her back. She also wants her family together.

 

She's a doormat type personality. She thinks she isn't good enough or worthy of being loved/treated well.

 

I have thought about paying for a few counseling sessions and telling her they are there for her. I don't want to overstep.

[MissBee]

She continuously says that she wants out but that it isn't possible because of the shared lease and finances. I honestly think that's the biggest thing holding her back. She also wants her family together.

 

She's a doormat type personality. She thinks she isn't good enough or worthy of being loved/treated well.

 

I have thought about paying for a few counseling sessions and telling her they are there for her. I don't want to overstep.

 

Are you romantically interested in her?

 

This is important, because if you're just a 100% platonic friend, who expects nothing of this and just want your friend to be happy, that's one thing (I have a feeling this isn't thew case though). If you however do have a romantic interest in her, then this will complicate things further unfortunately.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm not sure how thrilled to be about a woman who wants to unload on you emotionally but who isn't prepared to fix the situation (one way or the other). Sometimes a weird dynamic develops, and you may already be there considering the extent to which you want to fix this for her.

 

 

Flat out, man: are you developing feelings for her?

[JewelD]

She continuously says that she wants out but that it isn't possible because of the shared lease and finances. I honestly think that's the biggest thing holding her back. She also wants her family together.

 

She's a doormat type personality. She thinks she isn't good enough or worthy of being loved/treated well.

 

I have thought about paying for a few counseling sessions and telling her they are there for her. I don't want to overstep.

 

That would be overstepping a bit, imo. If she's a Phd student, I'm assuming she's got student insurance that would allow her to be able to afford counseling sessions, but again, she has to want that.

 

It's a tricky situation she's got herself in and it seems like she's doing what works for her right now.

 

But as others have pointed out, if you have feelings for her, you really shouldn't interfere. Even if you really are just friends, still don't intervene. Just be there to listen. and if you get tired of that, (because God, don't we all get a little sick of hearing people complain about the same thing but never actually doing anything about it?) don't be afraid to make yourself unavailable at times. It's her life and her problems, you don't have to make them yours.

[jen1447]

Yeah ....as a guy this'll be almost impossible to do w/out being the Hero! Whether you're hot for her or not.

 

Also yeah it sounds kinda muddy at best anyway ....he's bscly a tosspot dad w no dad game but he's not breaking any laws. And as was said she may be overplaying her hand w the drama. (Not automatic but women sometimes do that.) What does she see you as - a 'special' friend?

[Gloria25]

O...M...G,

 

Let's join forces and make this "him" the bad guy.

 

Lemme see, she has a child with him without being married and has been "playing house" (shacking up) with him. She created this mess. Call me old fashioned, but that's what happens when you put the cart before the horse.

 

She should have allowed him to become a "man" (i.e. finish his degree, get a job/career) before trying to "nest" with him.

 

No one likes to be forced into maturity, adulthood, responsibility. I was watching Kingdom and before the chick lost the baby, the lead guy was talking to another guy about how he feels nothing for the baby in her tummy. And, his friend was like 'Oh, it'll come...' But how can a man feel enthusiastic about something that he didn't actually want? Yeah, some people, once the baby comes they fall in love and have like a 180.. some don't. They may even grow to hate/resent being forced into this. I believe that's what's going on here. Your friend wanted all this - not him. She forced it on him, so he's playing passive-aggressive. Sad though, cuz there's an innocent child here in the middle.

 

Next, why did your friend have a child? Why have a bf? Career fields like medical and law leave no place for time for anything. So, I guess she bought into the feminist nonsense that a woman can "have it all? That she can balance work, husband, kid? If he wasn't home, that poor kid would be in daycare. So, she needs to decide on a career change. My fav podcaster said when she had to decide, she didn't pursue a PhD and didn't want to marry a doctor. She wanted to be home and have dinners at 5. So, how can your friend expect romance and all this when she has a demanding career field?

 

Oh, and yes, the "dual working couple"...worse, they are dual "professionals". So, now we have both mom and dad barely at home. So time to outsource the cooking, cleaning, maintenance of the kid. And, even though he's not working, studying for a certain field can be time consuming and exhausting. I just went through that with dude. It put a strain on us.

 

And, what's this about the baby being a "momma's boy"? The poor child misses his mom. A few hours in the morning and evening with your child isn't enough - especially in the first three years of that child's life. And women are whom a child bonds to first. Ever see how with a newborn they encourage "skin on skin". The child, through breast feeding, bonds. The poor thing can't see anything, but it feels mommy's heartbeat, her smell...it is an intangible need that all children have and sorry guys, moms only have that power.

 

Yes it's nice that the father holds and does this/that with the kid, but biology makes mothers more important. All this "partnership" crap now a days:rolleyes:. Look, men in general were not created to be Mr. Moms. We women are intuitive, we have the ability to look at a person, child and read what'sgoing on. Guys just sit there looking at the baby like, "Uh,". I'm watching my neighbors...both young couples and each have a child, both work. At first, the dads were at home aa lot with kid while mommy worked, lately I'm seeing their schedules change where they are going into work same/close time with mom, so the kid gets pawned off to daycare or relatives...in other words these husbands are getting tired of being stuck at home with a kid...cuz hello, that's not a man's job. Stop fighting biology.

 

So, your friend is stuck. She needs to make some hard decisions and get family counseling. Both of them need to lay their cards on the table and agree on expectations. If she wants to be a doctor, then he needs to decide if he wants to be "Mr. Mom". If he wants to be the breadwinner, upon termination of her studies, she can put off residency until child is older and in school. Maybe they can hire a maid to cook and clean - which will free her up to have more time with him and child and he won't feel emasculated (by being her maid/cook).

 

Cuz, if they separate, between bills and visitation/custody, it's gonna be ten times harder than it is now and the child will suffer.

 

As a friend, recommended a good counselor and stay out of it.

[TXGuy]

I think you are already overstepping in this family's life. Going further over the line would be worse. She is sharing intimate emotional feelings with you, another man. And you are there to emotionally hold her and protect her. I think you should suggest she share these feelings with a girlfriend.

 

On the other hand, she might be reaching out to you to save her from the awful dragon (her BF/baby daddy). It seems like you have already donned your shiny armor and are considering coming to her rescue. All you have to do is invite her and her child into your home so you can show her how a real man would take care of a woman and her child. I suspect that possibility is in the back of her head. If you are willing to do that, go for it. If not, you should back away from this and let them work out their relationship themselves.

[dpass]

O...M...G,

 

Let's join forces and make this "him" the bad guy.

 

Ok... Everything is wrong with this post and it's totally rubbing me the wrong way.

 

Lemme see, she has a child with him without being married and has been "playing house" (shacking up) with him. She created this mess. Call me old fashioned, but that's what happens when you put the cart before the horse.

She didn't force him to have sex without a condom. It's take two to create a baby, and he was a willing participant. What she says a lot is "It takes two to make a baby, apparently only one to raise it".

 

She should have allowed him to become a "man" (i.e. finish his degree, get a job/career) before trying to "nest" with him.

Right, and HE should have allowed her the same. He chose to have unprotected sex just as much as she did.

 

It's a child he didn't want, as a man I can understand why maybe he hasn't come around. But that child is here, time to man up or get out of the picture.

 

Next, why did your friend have a child? Why have a bf? Career fields like medical and law leave no place for time for anything. So, I guess she bought into the feminist nonsense that a woman can "have it all? That she can balance work, husband, kid? If he wasn't home, that poor kid would be in daycare. So, she needs to decide on a career change. My fav podcaster said when she had to decide, she didn't pursue a PhD and didn't want to marry a doctor. She wanted to be home and have dinners at 5. So, how can your friend expect romance and all this when she has a demanding career field?

Why are you making assumptions on what her career is? She is not in medicine. She is in the health field, but not medicine and it's not nearly as demanding. She will be working 9-4, home for dinner. She won't be done school until her son is IN school. She will be gone for the same hours her son is in school.

 

There is NOTHING, NOTHING, wrong with having your child in a loving daycare. You're old fashion, ever heard "It takes a village". That is part of the village. My brother has kids in daycare, they LOVE their daycare. Daycare isn't a bad place.

 

Oh, and yes, the "dual working couple"...worse, they are dual "professionals". So, now we have both mom and dad barely at home. So time to outsource the cooking, cleaning, maintenance of the kid. And, even though he's not working, studying for a certain field can be time consuming and exhausting. I just went through that with dude. It put a strain on us.

He is working right now, he works from 8PM-2AM, after the kid has gone to bed. The child doesn't miss him, since he's sleeping. I don't know his exact goals, but I do know it won't be demanding like a doctor either. If I'm correct, something in banks, so he'd be working bank hours.

 

And, what's this about the baby being a "momma's boy"? The poor child misses his mom. A few hours in the morning and evening with your child isn't enough - especially in the first three years of that child's life. And women are whom a child bonds to first. Ever see how with a newborn they encourage "skin on skin". The child, through breast feeding, bonds. The poor thing can't see anything, but it feels mommy's heartbeat, her smell...it is an intangible need that all children have and sorry guys, moms only have that power.

Because he always chooses his mom over his dad, his grandparents, whoever. When he's sad he wants his mom, or when he's hurt. There ARE little kids who are daddies kids, I have known them.

 

He goes to daycare for a 4 hours a day, half of that time he is napping. He is not suffering.

 

Yes it's nice that the father holds and does this/that with the kid, but biology makes mothers more important. All this "partnership" crap now a days:rolleyes:. Look, men in general were not created to be Mr. Moms.

No. It's people like YOU that allow men to be like that. Men are just as capable as women to take care of children. But when they have people like you telling them they can't of course it's an issue. Then you also have the people like you who won't let boys play with dolls and kitchens. Why? Because it makes the gay? You know, one day, that boy just might have a family of his own or need to feed himself.

[dpass]

Flat out, man: are you developing feelings for her?

Are you romantically interested in her?

 

This is important, because if you're just a 100% platonic friend, who expects nothing of this and just want your friend to be happy, that's one thing (I have a feeling this isn't thew case though). If you however do have a romantic interest in her, then this will complicate things further unfortunately.

 

I hope not, that would sure piss my GF off. But really...

 

I'm not romantically interested in her. She is an attractive woman so there is an attraction, I suppose. We did have a relationship back in the day, in high school. Something like 16 years ago. We had known each other since we were babies, were best friends. For some dumb reason we decided as 16 year old kids it would be a good idea to date. Had a 1 year relationship, broke up and went right back to being best friends the next day (there was a bit of FWB action sometimes). Romantically, there is nothing there. We do have a history, though. No part of me wants another relationship with her. We would never be compatible in that way.

 

That would be overstepping a bit, imo. If she's a Phd student, I'm assuming she's got student insurance that would allow her to be able to afford counseling sessions, but again, she has to want that.

 

It's a tricky situation she's got herself in and it seems like she's doing what works for her right now.

 

But as others have pointed out, if you have feelings for her, you really shouldn't interfere. Even if you really are just friends, still don't intervene. Just be there to listen. and if you get tired of that, (because God, don't we all get a little sick of hearing people complain about the same thing but never actually doing anything about it?) don't be afraid to make yourself unavailable at times. It's her life and her problems, you don't have to make them yours.

 

The school offers free counseling, but I don't think they would be very good. She keeps saying she doesn't want to spend money on that, which is why I thought of gifting it to her.

 

I'm always there for her, we've known each other since birth. But I don't put her before other things in my life.

 

Yeah ....as a guy this'll be almost impossible to do w/out being the Hero! Whether you're hot for her or not.

 

Also yeah it sounds kinda muddy at best anyway ....he's bscly a tosspot dad w no dad game but he's not breaking any laws. And as was said she may be overplaying her hand w the drama. (Not automatic but women sometimes do that.) What does she see you as - a 'special' friend?

 

I'm not the type of guy that needs to save everyone. It's just not me. I have known other people in bad relationships or situations and it sucks and I'll talk to them if they need it but I wouldn't be as invested. We're just really good friends. I think I'd think of her as a sister, if we didn't have a history together. Kinda weird to think of someone you slept with as a sister...

 

I think you are already overstepping in this family's life. Going further over the line would be worse. She is sharing intimate emotional feelings with you, another man. And you are there to emotionally hold her and protect her. I think you should suggest she share these feelings with a girlfriend.

 

On the other hand, she might be reaching out to you to save her from the awful dragon (her BF/baby daddy). It seems like you have already donned your shiny armor and are considering coming to her rescue. All you have to do is invite her and her child into your home so you can show her how a real man would take care of a woman and her child. I suspect that possibility is in the back of her head. If you are willing to do that, go for it. If not, you should back away from this and let them work out their relationship themselves.

 

She isn't very close to other people. I know she does talk to other people a little bit, but we're just very close. Always have been.

 

She has said that she wants help leaving. I just don't know what to do. I think she honestly does want my help. Having her stay with me for a while isn't really an option. I have a GF who would be less than impressed, and don't have room for her and her child. I have thought about it, but I can't put her before everything else in my life.

[Mr. Lucky]

She comes to me crying a lot, saying she wants out but it's too messy. They have the kid together, live together, lease, can't afford to live apart, she has no family, etc. She says there is no romance anymore, they never go out, he doesn't want to spent time with them, she doesn't know the last time they kissed or said I love you. Apparently he tells her he wouldn't be with her if they didn't have a kid and he doesn't want to marry her. He bought a ring, told her about it - couple years ago - but never gave it to her.

 

She wants to leave - needs to leave - but feels like she can't. And says it's not "that bad" since he doesn't hit her.

 

You've seen how willing she is to make him out as the victimizer but seem to gloss over how vested she is in being the victim.

 

Absent child or spousal abuse, I don't have involvement in the affairs of one member of a couple I wouldn't be comfortable having in front of the other.

 

You're very close to crossing a line, back off and let them work out their own problems...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jen1447]

I'm not the type of guy that needs to save everyone. It's just not me. I have known other people in bad relationships or situations and it sucks and I'll talk to them if they need it but I wouldn't be as invested. We're just really good friends. I think I'd think of her as a sister, if we didn't have a history together. Kinda weird to think of someone you slept with as a sister...

 

Ok. How much are you willing to risk/invest for her?

[MissBee]

I hope not, that would sure piss my GF off. But really...

 

I'm not romantically interested in her. She is an attractive woman so there is an attraction, I suppose. We did have a relationship back in the day, in high school. Something like 16 years ago. We had known each other since we were babies, were best friends. For some dumb reason we decided as 16 year old kids it would be a good idea to date. Had a 1 year relationship, broke up and went right back to being best friends the next day (there was a bit of FWB action sometimes). Romantically, there is nothing there. We do have a history, though. No part of me wants another relationship with her. We would never be compatible in that way.

 

 

 

The school offers free counseling, but I don't think they would be very good. She keeps saying she doesn't want to spend money on that, which is why I thought of gifting it to her.

 

I'm always there for her, we've known each other since birth. But I don't put her before other things in my life.

 

 

 

I'm not the type of guy that needs to save everyone. It's just not me. I have known other people in bad relationships or situations and it sucks and I'll talk to them if they need it but I wouldn't be as invested. We're just really good friends. I think I'd think of her as a sister, if we didn't have a history together. Kinda weird to think of someone you slept with as a sister...

 

 

 

She isn't very close to other people. I know she does talk to other people a little bit, but we're just very close. Always have been.

 

She has said that she wants help leaving. I just don't know what to do. I think she honestly does want my help. Having her stay with me for a while isn't really an option. I have a GF who would be less than impressed, and don't have room for her and her child. I have thought about it, but I can't put her before everything else in my life.

 

 

You don't have to convince me or us...as long as you're honest with yourself about what all this is and means and if this friendship is truly just that and if your concern is truly just that. It's a little odd too that your thread is titled "Getting a woman out of a bad relationship" versus something like "Getting a friend out of a bad relationship".... "a woman" definitely suggests something other than normal friends, but as I said, it's up to you to be honest with yourself. If it is what you say it is, cool, if not, that's for you to come to terms with.

[Els]

I agree with you that the guy is wrong and that if he isn't willing to change, she needs to leave. Even if she were in medicine (I know you said she wasn't, but it was brought up), I know several doctors of both genders who have families, so it boggles my mind why anyone would suggest that your friend is wrong for wanting both a career and a partner.

 

That being said, the fact that you've been in a R with her before complicates things. I think it would be okay to gift her a few sessions with a counselor if she is willing to go, but aside from that it would probably be best for you to back off on this.

Edited August 12, 2016 by Elswyth

[MrDuck]

Yes it's nice that the father holds and does this/that with the kid, but biology makes mothers more important. All this "partnership" crap now a days:rolleyes:. Look, men in general were not created to be Mr. Moms. We women are intuitive, we have the ability to look at a person, child and read what'sgoing on. Guys just sit there looking at the baby like, "Uh,". I'm watching my neighbors...both young couples and each have a child, both work. At first, the dads were at home aa lot with kid while mommy worked, lately I'm seeing their schedules change where they are going into work same/close time with mom, so the kid gets pawned off to daycare or relatives...in other words these husbands are getting tired of being stuck at home with a kid...cuz hello, that's not a man's job. Stop fighting biology.

I'm sorry this is the biggest load of outdated BS i've ever read!

 

You have to be kidding me!

How the hell is it not a mans job, its his SON!!! Being a parent has **** all to do with your gender, it has to do with your heart!!

 

I've been a single dad since day 1, my some wouldnt even have been born if i didnt want him so much! I had zero experience of a good parent, no mother and a drunk for a dad. No one tells you what to do or how to look after this little baby, but he was my son so i learnt. You wanna sit there and say that even if i did every night feed and every swimming lesson and every dinner and every kick about at the park, whilst travelling the world with him, that its not bloody biology!? When his mother moved to Brazil when he was 2 weeks old!

 

Literally i can't even go into how messed up that view is!

 

 

Anyway OP, you cant. You cant save someone from there own decisions! He's a jerk, she even knows he's a jerk, but she is choosing to stay, and thats messed up but it is her choice to make and all the time shes choosing it you cant do anything!

All you can do is support her and hope that she finds the strength to make her own decision!

[JewelD]

Well if free counseling is available and she doesnt want it, then there is no need to gift it to her.

 

From what you've said, she doesn't really need therapy. She needs to either get some ovaries and leave this man or stop talking sh*t about it.

 

My best friend has been in a ton of crappy relationships, but I have never tried to "save" her in the manner that you're trying to save this woman. Especially when I had my own relationships.

 

He's not hurting her or breaking the law, so it must not be that horrific or she would leave. There are ways for her to get financial help but she must not want to go that route.

[spiderowl]

A very good friend of mine is in a relationship with a man who she shares a child with. They have been together for... 4 years or somethin' like that.

 

She puts on a good front and it's easy to think nothing is wrong. He isn't physically abusive, not even really mentally/emotionally, he's just an ass. He doesn't respect her.

 

They share a toddler together. Since that kid was born he's done the bare minimum to help with it. He never got up in the middle of the night, rarely changed diapers, won't help night wean, doesn't go to the park, doesn't help unless she dumps the child with him and leaves. He's never had a full day with the kid.

 

She's working on her PhD, and is otherwise home with their child. He is working on his MBA and works part time (they mostly live off grants, scholarships). In his mind ALL the childrearing falls on her. Any mess the kid makes or is made for him (dinner) is HER mess and therefore her responsibility.

 

No surprise the kid is a mommies boy and doesn't want to spend time with his dad half the time.

 

She comes to me crying a lot, saying she wants out but it's too messy. They have the kid together, live together, lease, can't afford to live apart, she has no family, etc. She says there is no romance anymore, they never go out, he doesn't want to spent time with them, she doesn't know the last time they kissed or said I love you. Apparently he tells her he wouldn't be with her if they didn't have a kid and he doesn't want to marry her. He bought a ring, told her about it - couple years ago - but never gave it to her.

 

She wants to leave - needs to leave - but feels like she can't. And says it's not "that bad" since he doesn't hit her.

 

Can't afford to live apart says it all really. It's extremely difficult once you are bound economically with a partner who does not love you or is not supportive. You know it is going to be even more difficult alone with perhaps less income and nowhere to go. She has a child to consider too. She is doing a PhD - if she stops now, she'll likely never get the energy/drive up again (quite apart from the fact that grants will stop) and she will lose her chance of gaining a qualification. That qualification might be her way out of this situation in the long run.

 

I can see why she feels trapped and it must be awful for you trying to support her but knowing the only solution is for her to get out of it. Maybe she is depressed too and lacking in the energy and drive needed for any major change. Perhaps she could apply to the local authority for housing and say the situation is making her ill. She may be able to get medical evidence to support this. That might give her a better chance of being offered alternative accommodation eventually, but I guess it depends where she is. I have been where she is now and I know what it's like. She is probably in 'survival mode' and barely coping. It is fortunately you are there to listen, though it must be extremely frustrating for you.

 

Relationship counselling might help if she can get it, perhaps through Relate (in UK?) or a charity? It is unlikely to be able to help mend this relationship but it would be supportive to her and she might feel more able to take control once she has been able to go through the issues with someone.

 

Actually, just re-reading, if she is a PhD student, she may be able to get counselling through her university for free.

Edited August 13, 2016 by spiderowl

[Michelle ma Belle]

Take if from someone who has advocated/worked with/counselled countless women in domestic violence situations as well as a family member, you alone cannot save them!

 

As already mentioned by another poster, she is the only person who can save herself by making the decision to leave. Sometimes that means taking huge risks and even losing everything she has and knows for the sake of some peace and a shot at happiness.

 

I don't care what anyone here has to say about our past relationship with this woman, it's irrelevant in my opinion. I commend you for being there for her and wanting to help. That says a lot about your character. I also think your kindness and concern will, eventually, restore her faith in men as a whole because I'm certain that right now she probably doesn't view them in high regard.

 

As for what you can do, go ahead and offer her some complimentary counselling or whatever else you had in mind BUT don't be surprised or disappointed if she flakes or doesn't follow through on anything. It's been a few years now since I've worked in the industry but the statistic for the number of times a woman attempts to leave an abusive (physical, mental, emotional) relationship is 7 times. This doesn't include talking/crying about it, this is actually making a call for someone to pick her up/packing up her kids and things and moving out all together only to run back to her abuser out of fear, finances, regret, lack of self esteem/worth, guilt, etc.

 

The best thing you can do is just be there for her, or as much as you can be given that you're in a relationship yourself. Speaking of which, how much does your girlfriend know about this? And how does she feel about it all including your role in it?

Edited August 13, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[dpass]

It's definitely about fiances and feeling like she doesn't deserve better. I try and help her plan out how she could afford things, and figuring out government care. And try and show her that she does deserve better and how he treats her isn't how all men act. She thinks she is going to leave in November, when their lease is up. But who knows. I will be here the best that I can for her.

 

She doesn't seem to make him seem like the bad guy. She tells me about the bad days AND the good days, when he does things right and she thinks they are getting back on track, the things she does wrong. She's not perfect either, by any means. They are both doing things wrong, I'm sure.

 

One time she straight out said "please help me" but at that point I was pushing her away a little because of issues with my girlfriend.

 

The best thing you can do is just be there for her, or as much as you can be given that you're in a relationship yourself. Speaking of which, how much does your girlfriend know about this? And how does she feel about it all including your role in it?

 

My girlfriend knows about it, to an extent. She doesn't know the full details of their relationship because it's not my place to tell her. My girlfriend is jealous to some degree of this woman, always has been. Just because of how close we are and that we do have a romantic and sexual history.

 

She knows that I want to get my friend out of this situation, but isn't jealous of that. I never put the friend before my girlfriend. Unless it's very serious, if I have plans with my girlfriend then the friend waits. Is she totally thrilled about it? No, I wouldn't say that. She does wonder if I still have feelings for this friend sometimes.

 

Really, the biggest issue that my girlfriend has is our sexual history. We had a really great sex life, my girlfriend knows that because she dated my best friend for years so info spread around. I had no intention of ever dating her for most of the 10 years I've known her, so I said many things I probably shouldn't have. So knowing that info, my girlfriend is jealous that we had such a great sex life and our sex life is pretty terrible. She worries I'll want that back.

[JewelD]

It's definitely about fiances and feeling like she doesn't deserve better. I try and help her plan out how she could afford things, and figuring out government care. And try and show her that she does deserve better and how he treats her isn't how all men act. She thinks she is going to leave in November, when their lease is up. But who knows. I will be here the best that I can for her.

 

She doesn't seem to make him seem like the bad guy. She tells me about the bad days AND the good days, when he does things right and she thinks they are getting back on track, the things she does wrong. She's not perfect either, by any means. They are both doing things wrong, I'm sure.

 

One time she straight out said "please help me" but at that point I was pushing her away a little because of issues with my girlfriend.

 

 

 

My girlfriend knows about it, to an extent. She doesn't know the full details of their relationship because it's not my place to tell her. My girlfriend is jealous to some degree of this woman, always has been. Just because of how close we are and that we do have a romantic and sexual history.

 

She knows that I want to get my friend out of this situation, but isn't jealous of that. I never put the friend before my girlfriend. Unless it's very serious, if I have plans with my girlfriend then the friend waits. Is she totally thrilled about it? No, I wouldn't say that. She does wonder if I still have feelings for this friend sometimes.

 

Really, the biggest issue that my girlfriend has is our sexual history. We had a really great sex life, my girlfriend knows that because she dated my best friend for years so info spread around. I had no intention of ever dating her for most of the 10 years I've known her, so I said many things I probably shouldn't have. So knowing that info, my girlfriend is jealous that we had such a great sex life and our sex life is pretty terrible. She worries I'll want that back.

 

More reason to take several giant steps back. You're too involved for a friend, you're waaay too involved for a friend who has slept with the woman and your girlfriend is jealous of this friendship.

 

The way you talk about this woman, I can see why she'd feel that way. I wouldn't jeopardize my own relationship or upset my partner in any way over somebody else's relationship drama. Unless I wanted that person deep down and couldn't stop myself.

 

And as much as she supposedly wants to leave her relationship, I doubt your friend would risk screwing it up to help you.

 

Leave this woman alone for the sake of your own relationship.

[NTV]

If my GF/baby mama kept complaining about me to another dude I wouldn't respect her much either.

[dpass]

More reason to take several giant steps back. You're too involved for a friend, you're waaay too involved for a friend who has slept with the woman and your girlfriend is jealous of this friendship.

 

The way you talk about this woman, I can see why she'd feel that way. I wouldn't jeopardize my own relationship or upset my partner in any way over somebody else's relationship drama. Unless I wanted that person deep down and couldn't stop myself.

 

I don't want to be with her again, we're very close friends but that's it. Having a relationship was a mistake. We were each others sexual firsts (sort of) so there is that history and through our teens and twenties we always ended up back together in bed. I do understand why my girlfriend is jealous and I don't want to ignore that.

 

I don't talk about that friend to my girlfriend the way I do about her here. She does know a lot about it because we were friends for 10 years before we started dating. I don't want my girlfriend to think I want this friend back or miss her, or am cheating.

 

At the same time, that is a very good friend of mine who I have known my entire life. That is why I care about her, not because we dated 15 years ago. It's hard to find the line.

 

If my GF/baby mama kept complaining about me to another dude I wouldn't respect her much either.

 

To the best of my knowledge, her boyfriend has no idea that she is talking to me about it. Even so, he gave her reasons to complain before she came to me. But I get it, I would be less than thrilled if my GF was talking to her ex about me, which is entirely possible because they are close still.

[NTV]

 

To the best of my knowledge, her boyfriend has no idea that she is talking to me about it. Even so, he gave her reasons to complain before she came to me. But I get it, I would be less than thrilled if my GF was talking to her ex about me, which is entirely possible because they are close still.

 

 

Dude, if that's truly the case, then this woman is keeping secrets from this guy.... you don't want to be in the middle of this.

 

 

Cut her loose so she can focus on her family. You sound like you have other friends, and she should too. Your involvement with her is to your own detriment and hers too.