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Lack of compassion?

Lola2609

By Lola2609
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Lola2609 Established Member

Lola2609

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Hi everyone,

 

I posted here before (actually since I decided to start seeing this guy who lives 2k miles away). Things have been pretty good but I cannot understand certain behavior and need your advice here to see things clearly.

This time the problem is money (not even a problem but I have to understand).

Some backgrpund: my guy is in his late 20s, lives with his brother (does not pay rent) and has a job (not sure how much he makes but I would say it is a decent salary).

I am an international full time student (my tuition is higher than regular and I dont have loans or grants). I pay rent and I work as a server. My salary barely covers my expenses.

When we met first time, I flew to his city, refused to stay with hos brother and paid for the hotel and plane ticket. He mostly paid for meals and entertainment.

Then, he flew to my city, he paid for the hotel (he cant stay in my place) and we shared everything else 50/50.

Third time we met in Florida, he paid for the hotel and we shared the expenses for meals and everything else. I offered to give him 50% for the hotel (it was a very expensive hotel), he said that I can get the next one.

Then we talked about our relationship and agreed to meet every 2-3 months. I told him that will be a little expensive for me but I will try. He then said that we could find a cheaper option (like visiting him and staying with his brother) or he could sometimes cover everything for me (but not always "because he is not THAT rich"-his words).

 

Problem: we are meeting again and we are staying at all-inclusive hotel. He booked it and I was debating whether to offer to pay for both of us but I decided in the end to offer my part only. He accepted it. Then, he asked me if I wanna do some parks and other entertainments. We found few but the ticket was 150 per person. He just sent me the link but didnt get the tickets. My question is should I offer to get us the tickets? Is it ok if he gets them.

I hate this nit picking but it is hard when ypu are a student on a budget. I sometimes feel like he expects me to pay 50%, which I think is not completely fair. I am used to guys who have some compassion and understanding. And I am not a gold digger looking to get a free vacation, I just have the feeling that he may not care enough about me.

Share your perspective and let me know if I am being stupid now. Thanks.

Larryville Established Member

Larryville

Posted
Posted
lives 2k miles away

 

lives with his brother (does not pay rent)

 

Lack of compassion?

 

I am an international full time student (my tuition is higher than regular and I dont have loans or grants). I pay rent and I work as a server. My salary barely covers my expenses. When we met first time, I flew to his city, refused to stay with his brother and paid for the hotel and plane ticket.

 

Maybe someone else can help me understand.

 

I can see if a woman wants to date a dude far away if he was well off, amazingly great guy who had the means to send for you and wine and dine you.

 

Unless there is more he does not sound like the type of dude worth your time, money and energy unless he “rocks your world” so to speak.

 

Where in the world do you live where you can’t find an acceptable dude near you? Or do you not value yourself enough to not settle and find someone with “compassion” as you desire?

 

The fact that you flew to see him FIRST is what puzzled me, particularly since you said money is tight.

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Lola2609 Established Member

Lola2609

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Thanks for your reply. Well, I had a bf before him. He was compassionate, he still offers his help when I need it but I had no buttefly feeling in my stomach when I was with him. I would not see him for weeks and then barely kiss him when we finally meet. It is different with this guy. He lives 2000 miles away but we cant stop kissing when we meet.

 

I flew to his city first because I wanted to. He offered to come, he also offered me to stay in his brother's house but I did not accept it. I wanted to go because I did not know how to explain to him that first I did not want a stranger (at that time) in my house, and I cant have him in my house even now (as I live with roommates and we have our deals). I wouldnt blame him for that. I had a choice of visiting him or waiting for him to visit me. And it is only after our third meeting in Florida that I revealed more about myself and my situation (expenses and income).

My question is how to proceed? Should I feel bad for not offering to cover hotel expenses as I promised? Should I get the park tickets?

Edited by Lola2609
Larryville Established Member

Larryville

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Should I feel bad for not offering to cover hotel expenses as I promised?

 

Should I get the park tickets?

 

I revealed more about myself and my situation (expenses and income).

 

And he said what exactly?

 

I’ll just say this, the guy is supposed to chase you. Don’t go broke and go into debt over any dude. If he won’t adjust to your situation then in my mind not worth the effort.

 

It clearly bothers you, A LOT question is is he worth going into debt over? This is not about "park tickets" about much more.

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Lola2609 Established Member

Lola2609

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And he said what exactly?

 

I’ll just say this, the guy is supposed to chase you. Don’t go broke and go into debt over any dude. If he won’t adjust to your situation then in my mind not worth the effort.

 

It clearly bothers you, A LOT question is is he worth going into debt over? This is not about "park tickets" about much more.

 

He said that we could find cheaper options to see each other (he also offers to come visit me) or that he could cover most of the expenses but not every single time. I wouldn't go into debt because of him. I am going into debt because of my school, but spending extra 1000$ every two months doesnt help either.

I dont know. I like him, I want this to work out. I even understand that maybe he doesnt know me enough to spend so much money on me... and I dont expect him to pay for everything (it is not fair as we are both adults) but I guess I need to see that he is trying too.

Larryville Established Member

Larryville

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I guess I need to see that he is trying too.

 

Don’t get me wrong, not trying to attack but just being blunt...

 

Why would HE or any guy make an investment in a woman who lives (as you said 2k if that is correct) away?

 

To me you would be nothing more than a long distance FWB, occasional hook-up. I’d budget for seeing you from time to time but NOT invest in you in any meaningful way. You have to know he has closer options, right?

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Lola2609 Established Member

Lola2609

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Don’t get me wrong, not trying to attack but just being blunt...

 

Why would HE or any guy make an investment in a woman who lives (as you said 2k if that is correct) away?

 

To me you would be nothing more than a long distance FWB, occasional hook-up. I’d budget for seeing you from time to time but NOT invest in you in any meaningful way. You have to know he has closer options, right?

 

Well, I asked him that. I asked how long he thinks this can go on (meaning seeing each other). He said he would love for us to work out and after I am done with school he would like to move in together (in his state but different city because the city where he lives is crazy expensive, especially rents or mortgage). He calls me every day and when we meet he makes sure I have fun. He is trying in a sense to find things to do that I will enjoy, he is very attentive, etc. The only thing that bothers me is that I feel he should be more understanding about how much more expensive and harder it is for me to afford our meetings.

 

I might be wrong to think that all this means something...

Edited by Lola2609
Larryville Established Member

Larryville

Posted
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The only thing that bothers me is that I feel he should be more understanding about how much more expensive and harder it is for me to afford our meetings.

 

Why? What exactly do you call your situation?

 

Well if another guy weighs in and says differently I’d be curious...

 

No real relationship can develop with that distance. Some people today prefer that “distance” because they don’t have to actually “invest.”

 

I’m just saying I would not see you as anything but occasional entertainment therefore he can’t build any real “understanding” of you as a person or your situation.

 

I might be wrong to think that all this means something...

 

Not saying you are "wrong" just get perspective..

 

Put yourself in his shoes, situation. I will repeat you are 2k miles away, you think he is a decent dude, good looking whatever?

You don’t think someone closer to him, who looks equal to you (thinks he is decent too) is available to him for LESS than any financial investment he must make with you?

 

Not so much my opinion but sometimes folks just need to put themselves (who they are posting about) the other persons shoes. You usually can answer the question(s) for yourself.

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Lola2609 Established Member

Lola2609

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Why? What exactly do you call your situation?

 

Well if another guy weighs in and says differently I’d be curious...

 

No real relationship can develop with that distance. Some people today prefer that “distance” because they don’t have to

 

I’m just saying I would not see you as anything but occasional entertainment therefore he can’t build any real “understanding” of you as a person or your situation.

 

 

 

Not saying you are "wrong" just get perspective..

 

Put yourself in his shoes, situation. I will repeat you are 2k miles away, you think he is a decent dude, good looking whatever?

You don’t think someone closer to him, who looks equal to you (thinks he is decent too) is available to him for LESS than any financial investment he must make with you?

 

Not so much my opinion but sometimes folks just need to put themselves (who they are posting about) the other persons shoes. You usually can answer the question(s) for yourself.

 

Thanks. I really appreciate your perspective but I dont think it is about the money. I can find someone probably even better looking than him in my own city. The thing is I dont want to. My ex bf is better looking, probably makes more money too and loved me a lot but it didint matter if I couldnt love him back. We are still good friends but there was no passion on my side for him.

It is not about looks or how convinient someone is to date. I met this guy in July. It took him 9 months to convince me to meet him. He was texting daily, sent me flowers for my bday (I only mention when my bday was once, that first day we met).

He was talking about how hard and expensive long distance dating will be but he thinks it is worth it.

That is if he was honest....

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Lola2609 Established Member

Lola2609

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It you would be great to hear other guys' opinions. Would you invest in a girl that is 2000 away? Because it really would be an investment if he wants for us to be together in 2 years from now.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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