Ex gf cheated and left

[Rng]

I've been on these forums a lot lately, and although I haven't posted much about my situation, the responses to others undergoing the same or similar problem have been invaluable. Anyway, I feel now that I need to lay everything out and get some feedback, and maybe it will help someone else.

 

My ex and I, 23F & 27M, were dating for 2.5 years. We met in my last semester of undergrad and hit it off immediately. Our relationship moved very fast, faster than a truly healthy one should have. I lived 5 minutes from campus and she was still staying with her parents at the time, 40 minutes away. She basically moved in with me immediately. Not officially, but she stayed there 90% of the time and we went to class together every day.

 

Our relationship had its ups and downs, just like any other. We never had any big fights that involved yelling or anything like that, and I always felt secure and trusting, never invading her privacy until the very end due to suspicion.

 

We fell into the complacent routine of everyday life, just trying to get the bills paid and get her through school (she still had a 2 years left when we started dating). During the last 6 months, I was just trying to save up money so we could take a vacation in the summer, so we didn't do much outside of the routine. She seemed to express that she understood and to be fine with doing less so we could make the trip happen.

 

As a requirement for her graduation, she had to complete a 1-month trip, out of state. I would call it similar to clinicals for medical students, or some other out-of-class training. Anyway, I knew this was going to put a strain on our relationship as she is a very codependent person. Before she left, I reassured her that we would make it through this and that I would be available to talk to her whenever she needed.

 

The first two weeks of her trip were fine. We spoke on the phone like normal, told each other we loved one another, cracked jokes, and said we missed one another. After the two-week mark, I noticed a dramatic drop in communication, she stopped saying "I love you," and any time that I asked if she was looking forward to coming home she would say "I really like it out here."

 

I knew something was up. I could feel it in my gut that this wasn't right. She was acting completely out of character. You see, I had become somewhat overprotective of her because she was in an accident that definitely could have killed her about 1.5 years into our relationship, and I wanted reassurance that she was doing okay. I never told her what she could and could not do though.

 

Apparently, during the first two weeks of her being there, she was partnered with some nerdy, unattractive kid who she didn't get along with well. After that, they rotated partners, and she was partnered with a guy she "clicked" with, she says. Hence the falling off of communication.

 

Being over 20 hours away and feeling helpless and shocked at the change I felt, I invaded her privacy by reading a conversation on FB in which she told someone that our relationship was "going downhill," news to me of course. I knew when I was doing it that it was a mistake, but my anxiety got the better of me. I held it in for 2 days, didn't eat, didn't sleep, spent my time driving around aimlessly just to kill the time, and was going crazy.

 

I finally spoke with her and asked if everything was okay between us, and she said that yes, everything was fine and that she'd see me when she gets back. After this call, I just couldn't handle the anxiety anymore. I called back and told her what I had read and asked her again. She tells me "I haven't missed you at all while I've been here and I don't think I love you." This shattered my reality.

 

I couldn't figure out what I had done to deserve this, or what happened to the woman I loved. This was a week before she was supposed to come back. She then refused to talk about it further, leaving me in a state of intense emotional distress. To make things worse, instead of coming back when she was scheduled to, she spent another week driving around to other places with a "friend" in the area because she said she wasn't going to be able to make it out there again any time soon.

 

I understood and told her to have fun. Communication was still shoddy and I didn't hear from her nearly as much as I had before. Then she tells me that she is going to stop and stay in a city 3 hours from here on the way back in order to "get a fresh start in the morning."

 

I come to find out that not only did she cheat on me during the trip with this guy, but put she prolonged my emotional anguish and lied to me throughout. She was travelling around with him, and she stayed with him the day before she got back, 3 hours away.

 

This has been the most devastating experience of my life so far. The person whom I trusted wholeheartedly and whom I, unfortunately, still love lied to me and betrayed me.

 

Furthermore, after some digging, I found out that she had been on a dating app for more than 22 months out of the 2.5 years that we were together, leading me to think that none of the feelings she expressed for me were ever true, and that she had just been using me for a place to stay and as a security blanket. She even said "you were just a placeholder until something better came along."

 

Of course, I made all of the typical mistakes hoping to reconcile the situation (before I was aware of the extent of what she'd done). Now, about 75% of me is disgusted with the person she turned out to be and 25% longs to reconcile with her and get back to how things were. I just can't wrap my head around how someone could be so vile to another human being! She claimed to have been cheated on in the past and we had multiple discussions about why someone would ever cheat when they obviously should just break up with them first.

 

Post-BU, she wanted to stay friends of course. Not for me, no. To ease her own guilt from the situation. I gave her an ultimatum of he or I, and she chose the former.

 

She opted to destroy our relationship with the hope of pursuing thing with this new guy, which will be a LDR. I assume its either GIGS or she couldn't go 4 weeks without a security blanket or some kind. She has a textbook anxious/preoccupied attachment style. As of now, I've been in NC for 3 weeks with no end in sight. I don't want to speak with her. We lived together and she moved out the day she got home, and I intend to move soon to get away from the reminders. However, it occupies my thoughts from the time I wake up until I go to bed.

[runup]

That's very sad to hear. I think I can somewhat relate to your situation. A lot of times, I feel people get complacent in relationships and take them for granted. Yes, people grow apart. However, a lot of times, people aren't relationship material. This girl doesn't sound like relationship material. It's sad for you because you devoted so much time to someone who (in a way) seemed to pretend the things you were actually invested in. It's a tough life lesson, but you're better off with a person who isn't like this. It really doesn't have as much to do with you as it does with her. I imagine you made some mistakes (everyone does). Unfortunately, grasping the idea of a cheating partner and the cold hearted attitude they develop is near impossible.

 

While I would suggest you reflect, I wouldn't dwell on her feelings or actions for too long. It is only a repetitive cycle that ends up hurting no one but you. Rather, I would suggest:

 

1. Heal because you’ll want to learn more about yourself.

 

Parts of my story and how my breakup are helping me resolve lifelong issues I had. Doing this, I am beginning to feel a huge positive shift in all parts of my daily life.

 

I really am making myself the person I am today.

 

2. Heal because you’ll become emotionally stronger and independent.

 

I wanted someone to be around; that’s why I dwelled in a relationship that was no longer. I was in a needy place, and that's not a good foundation for a fulfilling relationship.

 

3. Heal because you’ll then learn what you really want.

 

We lose sight about what we want in relationships. And when you start to compromise your essential needs (the things that make YOU “tick”), you’ll soon forget who we are.

 

And without knowing WHAT you want in your life (and WHO) you’ll just adapt, compromise, kill your own dreams, die inside.

 

A breakup is a catalytic event that can set things right for you.

 

Give you a new direction.

 

The problem is that it’s wrapped in pain … so we often don’t recognize the opportunity.

 

One day - maybe soon - you’ll be able to look back and KNOW that the breakup was the best thing to ever happen to you … it will enable the happy and fulfilled life you can have in the future.

 

 

I was in your situation a month ago. EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY SHE WAS ON MY MIND. Now, she creeps into my mind half as much. Still a lot, but I notice the improvements and it is relieving to know that my state of mind and future will only improve.

[Rng]

I agree with everything you've said and am working daily to reconnect with old friends, do new things, work out, get outside, etc. I've been through breakups before, but never been so utterly stabbed in the back as in this situation. Its a whole other thing altogether I think.

 

As far as mistakes, of course I made some. I'm far from innocent, and I went through the GIGS phase myself about a year ago and realized that I truly did love her and wanted to work on our relationship. I stayed true to her though, even when under a lot of temptation not to be. I don't think I could live with myself if I had done that to her.

 

I don't know whether its immaturity or GIGS, or both, but either way, I think she mistakes the honeymoon phase for real love. She has some growing to do, but I'm only concerned with my own growth now. Hopefully she figures it out.

[bighearted]

Wow! That blows man. She sounds like a sociopath piece of **** honestly.

 

You need to never speak to this woman again. I know, easier said than done and it will be extremely painful. NC is a must at this point, and when she DOES contact you, ignore every ****ing word that comes out of her mouth. She doesn't deserve you. Do not take this "woman" back, even if she somehow changed her mind.

 

Sorry you're going through this, but having the viewpoint of "she's a cheater and not a good person so I'm better off without her anyways" may help a little. Goodluck, stay strong.

[Rng]

Wow! That blows man. She sounds like a sociopath piece of **** honestly.

 

You need to never speak to this woman again. I know, easier said than done and it will be extremely painful. NC is a must at this point, and when she DOES contact you, ignore every ****ing word that comes out of her mouth. She doesn't deserve you. Do not take this "woman" back, even if she somehow changed her mind.

 

Sorry you're going through this, but having the viewpoint of "she's a cheater and not a good person so I'm better off without her anyways" may help a little. Goodluck, stay strong.

 

That's the plan. No idea how long NC will hold though. I've blocked her on every means that we communicated and its been dead silence since our last conversation, which ended pretty ugly. The most discouraging thing is that I was blinded by how I felt and let all of the red flags slide. Thinking back, there were many.

 

There were several times throughout that she would breakdown crying saying that she was "just wasting my time." I took this to mean that she thought she wasn't good enough and reassured her. Apparently, it was her guilt manifesting regarding her using me. Either way, I'm on the "she's a terrible person who I don't want to know" train. The other side of me really wants to somehow fix things and to go back to the way things were. Then I remind myself that it was a falsehood and I could never really trust her again.

[Rng]

Ugh, I'm having thoughts and feelings that I should tell her I forgive her, that I love her, and that I want to reconcile. I'm at the top of a peak on the rollercoaster right now. Since our last conversation ended ugly and the fact that I know she's involved with someone else, I realize that's probably not a good idea. Should I ever break NC to see what's there?

 

She will likely never contact me again out of sheer guilt and shame, so if I ever want to speak with her again, I'll probably have to be the initiator. It sucks loving someone who's betrayed you. What do I do?

[Chi townD]

Ugh, I'm having thoughts and feelings that I should tell her I forgive her, that I love her, and that I want to reconcile. I'm at the top of a peak on the rollercoaster right now. Since our last conversation ended ugly and the fact that I know she's involved with someone else, I realize that's probably not a good idea. Should I ever break NC to see what's there?

 

She will likely never contact me again out of sheer guilt and shame, so if I ever want to speak with her again, I'll probably have to be the initiator. It sucks loving someone who's betrayed you. What do I do?

 

Well, I'm glad you came here instead of contacting her. Dude, what she did was low. You need to let her go. Everytime you think about contacting her, come here. People will be hear to talk you through you. And the best thing I can do is remind you of the things she did. Dude, you put your trust in her, and how did she repay you? She screwed some guy three hours away from you while you were waiting patiently for her to come back to you.

 

Dude, you need to pick up new hobbies and do them. Find some enjoyment. Do something fun. And most important of all, KEEP BUSY!!!

[Rng]

Well, I'm glad you came here instead of contacting her. Dude, what she did was low. You need to let her go. Everytime you think about contacting her, come here. People will be hear to talk you through you. And the best thing I can do is remind you of the things she did. Dude, you put your trust in her, and how did she repay you? She screwed some guy three hours away from you while you were waiting patiently for her to come back to you.

 

Dude, you need to pick up new hobbies and do them. Find some enjoyment. Do something fun. And most important of all, KEEP BUSY!!!

 

Thanks, I agree with you. However, my job is sitting in front of a computer, so I'm browsing these, and other, forums reading a lot about other people's situations and how they cope. Its making it difficult not to think about it until I go home.

 

I've picked up a few new hobbies, including working out, and that works wonders. The endorphin rush is better than any drug for this kind of thing I think. I've been going out a lot and reconnected with friends I had pushed aside to make room for the relationship.

 

All of that has been incredibly helpful. I'm trying my best to come here when the urge to reach out becomes intense. So far, I haven't broken NC in 3 weeks. Hopefully I can keep it up with the help of all of the great people here.

[fromheart]

You've been through some harsh treatment here.

 

The good news is that she clearly is not the one for you. She's a liar and a cheater. I'd recommend communicating this to her, and never talking to her again.

 

Look after yourself good, and be thankful that you know who she is now and not later on down the line. No kids or home together, no ties.

 

She's gone, and I'm happy for you.

[Rng]

You've been through some harsh treatment here.

 

The good news is that she clearly is not the one for you. She's a liar and a cheater. I'd recommend communicating this to her, and never talking to her again.

 

Look after yourself good, and be thankful that you know who she is now and not later on down the line. No kids or home together, no ties.

 

She's gone, and I'm happy for you.

 

Oh I made her fully aware that she was a liar and a cheater, and that I didn't deserve what she had done the last time we spoke. I don't think I should talk to her at all. I passed her on the highway the other day and I immediately felt a backtrack in the progress I've made.

 

I can't help but to feel regret and guilt about not giving her the attention she needed though, and that I'm at least somewhat responsible. I also know that she made conscious choices to do what she did instead of ever once talking to me about the problems or trying to work on the relationship.

 

Its some strange battle between anger/resentment, guilt, and forgiveness that I've never had to deal with before.

[NIGHT1985]

Man... People are so cold.. You're doing the right thing by cutting all contact off with her. The last thing you wanna do is creep on her social media and see pics of her with him or relationship changes.

 

 

Take this time to focus on, better yourself, do things that you've always wanted to do but didn't have the time or she didn't want to do. It may sound lame, but "date yourself" for a bit. Everyone is different, but you can at least download a dating app or 2 to show you there are other people out there. You don't have to go on dates or get a new girlfriend, but sometime striking conversation with others tends to help.

[Rng]

Man... People are so cold.. You're doing the right thing by cutting all contact off with her. The last thing you wanna do is creep on her social media and see pics of her with him or relationship changes.

 

 

Take this time to focus on, better yourself, do things that you've always wanted to do but didn't have the time or she didn't want to do. It may sound lame, but "date yourself" for a bit. Everyone is different, but you can at least download a dating app or 2 to show you there are other people out there. You don't have to go on dates or get a new girlfriend, but sometime striking conversation with others tends to help.

 

I have a friend who still pines for his ex 2 years after they broke up. Only recently has he begun to get rid of the reminders. I look at his situation, and that's definitely not what I want for myself. I'm not going to allow her to destroy my sense of self-worth or string me along any further on the pretense of being friends or anything. I'm trying to shape my perspective to "she lost me," rather than "I lost her."

 

I've been talking to several women who seem genuinely like nice people, but I'm nowhere near over this enough to pursue anything. I'm trying to stay up front with them, without seeming desperate, about where I'm at. I'm not trying to treat anyone else remotely like the way I have been. I'll never understand that kind of selfish mindset.

[NIGHT1985]

Yea it's been over a year since me and my ex split and I still have awful awful days. It's destroyed me on many levels. Mainly by her leading me on as a friend after the break up until she fell in love with someone, than tossed me to the side. It totally destroyed my pride and any self respect I had for myself. I'm getting somewhat better, but still don't think I'll ever replace her

[Rng]

Yea it's been over a year since me and my ex split and I still have awful awful days. It's destroyed me on many levels. Mainly by her leading me on as a friend after the break up until she fell in love with someone, than tossed me to the side. It totally destroyed my pride and any self respect I had for myself. I'm getting somewhat better, but still don't think I'll ever replace her

 

Its a terrible feeling. I'm sorry that happened to you as well. It makes trusting the next one very difficult also. No two people are the same, so you can't truly replace her. It seems we can both make an upgrade though.

 

I may have very well have fallen into the same trap if it were not for my friend going through what sounds like you did. I looked at his situation, and back at her texting another guy right in front of me while trying to lean away so I couldn't tell (so bad at subtlety). It dawned on me at that moment that I had to cut her out of my life entirely.

 

Users, man. Selfish users that will never find any true happiness until they face their inner demons. I feel sorry for them.

[fromheart]

Oh I made her fully aware that she was a liar and a cheater, and that I didn't deserve what she had done the last time we spoke. I don't think I should talk to her at all. I passed her on the highway the other day and I immediately felt a backtrack in the progress I've made.

 

I can't help but to feel regret and guilt about not giving her the attention she needed though, and that I'm at least somewhat responsible. I also know that she made conscious choices to do what she did instead of ever once talking to me about the problems or trying to work on the relationship.

 

Its some strange battle between anger/resentment, guilt, and forgiveness that I've never had to deal with before.

 

 

You can't give anyone what they need, only she can give herself that. That right there says she's needy and not ready for a relationship.

 

Someone who's needy will always have destructive relationship patterns. You'll see this pattern in people again and again. They are like ticking time bombs, especially if there is something about them that is very attractive.

 

It really is for the best to continue to walk away from her.

[Charlie99909]

Yea it's been over a year since me and my ex split and I still have awful awful days. It's destroyed me on many levels. Mainly by her leading me on as a friend after the break up until she fell in love with someone, than tossed me to the side. It totally destroyed my pride and any self respect I had for myself. I'm getting somewhat better, but still don't think I'll ever replace her

 

 

 

THIS.

 

After my first girlfriend, I slept around a lot and never had a problem meeting women. I even broke a few hearts. After my most recent ex. Done. In the toilet. I see other women and think they all want to use me and then I'd get down on myself. Keeping busy and doing what I listed in another thread helps a lot. But man, it can take a toll if you don't focus.

[Rng]

Update: My anxiety is slowly subsiding and the thoughts of her are diminishing. I still think about her every day, but I'm able to reevaluate things with a more level head now. Went out with a few women this weekend and that's really helped to restore my confidence. I've stayed up front with them though about not being 100% available to commit to anything serious right now. I'm not trying to mess someone else up like I have been.

 

Also, this song basically summarizes everything and I've been listening to it every day for the past week:

[Captivating]

Aww RNG,

This is beyond awful how she treated you.

You were nothing but nice and caring towards her.

She lacks a strong moral compass that is needed for a relationship...

...so this might be a blessing that this happened now instead of 5 years later when you guys are married possibly having kids as well. Just imagine that !

 

It's one thing to fall in love with someone and leave.....she could still be very respectful with you and watching her mouth.

 

 

You are hurting, it is completely normal, embrace that, cry if you need to cry, don't hold it in. Face the pain.

 

Your brain; however, doesn't want to accept reality and is fighting you.

It takes some time to regain mental clearity after this, when she will be off the pedestal.

 

I keep reposting this video, please watch this, it is very helpful. (he has many other great videos!)

 

Please don't contact her, there is nothing you can say that would change her mind

at the moment not to mention what she did.

Bad mouthing your relationship behind your back then lies to you in your face, she is on a dating site for 22 months??? Using you for money and security ?

 

I have a feeling that one day she will be back, but by that time you won't care about her at all, you might be with someone worthy of your love and attention.

[juniorrocha]

Update: My anxiety is slowly subsiding and the thoughts of her are diminishing. I still think about her every day, but I'm able to reevaluate things with a more level head now. Went out with a few women this weekend and that's really helped to restore my confidence. I've stayed up front with them though about not being 100% available to commit to anything serious right now. I'm not trying to mess someone else up like I have been.

 

Also, this song basically summarizes everything and I've been listening to it every day for the past week:

 

I'm going through a bad phase too, and it's been almost 3 months since the break up. Time goes by fast, but while you live and enjoy other things in life, the thoughts of her will be less frequent.

 

It seems like you're doing great, and I mean it. As long as you don't break NC and fill your days with things that are important to you, eventually she will be long gone. You seem like a great dude too, so when you least expect another girl will become special for you too.

 

Keep going.

[Rng]

Aww RNG,

This is beyond awful how she treated you.

You were nothing but nice and caring towards her.

She lacks a strong moral compass that is needed for a relationship...

...so this might be a blessing that this happened now instead of 5 years later when you guys are married possibly having kids as well. Just imagine that !

 

It's one thing to fall in love with someone and leave.....she could still be very respectful with you and watching her mouth.

 

 

You are hurting, it is completely normal, embrace that, cry if you need to cry, don't hold it in. Face the pain.

 

Your brain; however, doesn't want to accept reality and is fighting you.

It takes some time to regain mental clearity after this, when she will be off the pedestal.

 

I keep reposting this video, please watch this, it is very helpful. (he has many other great videos!)

 

Please don't contact her, there is nothing you can say that would change her mind

at the moment not to mention what she did.

Bad mouthing your relationship behind your back then lies to you in your face, she is on a dating site for 22 months??? Using you for money and security ?

 

I have a feeling that one day she will be back, but by that time you won't care about her at all, you might be with someone worthy of your love and attention.

 

 

Thanks a lot for the insight. I found another post of yours last week with that link and watched it, very helpful! I don't want to give the impression that I was perfect in our relationship. We fought some, but it was never over anything big and we always resolved it. I had a lot of built up resentment toward her because she was lazy and never pulled her weight with chores or bills. She cleaned our apartment 3 times in 2.5 years and was short on the bills every month.

 

I would let things get dirty just to see how long it would take for her to step up and do something, only to end up caving because I couldn't stand it anymore. I still loved her though and her best interests were put first in my mind. We should have communicated better, but that clearly doesn't matter at this point. I made mistakes, but what she did is on a whole other level of messed up.

Edited August 15, 2016 by Rng

[Captivating]

.....I had a lot of built up resentment toward her because she was lazy and never pulled her weight with chores or bills. She cleaned our apartment 3 times in 2.5 years and was short on the bills every month.

 

I would let things get dirty just to see how long it would take for her to step up and do something, only to end up caving because I couldn't stand it anymore.

...

 

Well, nobody is perfect There are disagreements in every relationship.

It sounds like you "pulled your weight" in the relationship and took care of her.

 

In a way she kept herself in a child status, did not want any responsibilities or chores.....she will have a tough awakening if she keeps this up.

She might have been spoiled growing up, then you spoiled her too.

 

Once again, this laziness, taking full advantage of your feelings, support, money would have got old for you in the long run anyway, I am sure.

[Rng]

Well, nobody is perfect There are disagreements in every relationship.

It sounds like you "pulled your weight" in the relationship and took care of her.

 

In a way she kept herself in a child status, did not want any responsibilities or chores.....she will have a tough awakening if she keeps this up.

She might have been spoiled growing up, then you spoiled her too.

 

Once again, this laziness, taking full advantage of your feelings, support, money would have got old for you in the long run anyway, I am sure.

 

Pretty much, yeah. I had gotten fed up with her everyday behaviors and any time I tried talking about it she would have a breakdown over it, no matter how minor. Most of my anxiety has passed now and I can look back on it all more objectively. I don't really feel like I've lost much of anything anymore. I still love her because those feelings just don't die off, but my apartment has never been cleaner! Lol

[Captivating]

Good for you, I'm glad that you start to feel that way.

You are on the right path, it will take some time.

[bubbaganoosh]

You just have to ask yourself one basic question and answer it honestly. The question. Do you feel that you deserved better then you got from her?

 

If you said no then by all means grovel around her feet and beg for more misery and heartache. Trust me you'll get it by the boatload.

 

Now if you feel you deserve more then stop with the fantasy that you can change her and make her someone you could be proud of because like they say you can put lipstick on a pig................and you still got a pig.

 

Move on and find someone with some values and treats you like you deserve to be. You know as well as all of us the it's the right thing to do. Might not be the easiest thing to do but look at your other option.

[Rng]

Update: Its been 6 or 7 weeks of total NC so far and I still feel conflicted. I'm starting to have more good than bad days, which I didn't think was going to happen this soon. However, the bad days are still pretty bad with her occupying my thoughts.

 

The temptation to show up and talk to her face-to-face is still there. It doesn't help that I have to drive by where she is every day. I have to constantly remind myself that any contact from me first will be perceived as weakness and that it would ultimately just set myself back.

 

I haven't received any breadcrums so far, which is probably a good thing as it tells me just how meaningless I was to her in the end. Regardless, I've been spending a lot more time going out and meeting new people and seeing friends.

 

I've went out with a few women over the past several weeks but there's really no point. I still look across the table and would rather it be her, ugh. I look forward to the day I meet someone who completely displaces any remnants of my ex in my mind.