My story

[Andy-4]

I am quite conservative father and husband and it is pretty unbelievable to me what I am writing about my life and what happened to me during the past year.

 

I met this woman through our mutual friends. We were both at some type of midlife crisis with the other woman and fell in love. She left her husband, but I was not able to do that in the same time because my wife threatened I would not see my son again. And my wife refused to move out even though I was willing to pay her rent (she was studying at the time and had no incomes).

 

Also the other woman did not want us to move in together immediately because it would be too big change for his son. So I did not know what to do. I knew I would suffer some kind of mental breakdown if I rented my own apartmentand in the worst case the other woman would dumb me, I would not see my son and would have to pay for the apartment and running bills of my house. I told my wife I was divorcing her, but she just wanted to work things out although she knew about the other woman. She probably understood that I was going through some kind of crisis and wanted give me time to think about my future.

 

The other woman started emotionally black mailing me. If I did not do this or this thing, she would dumb me. I can understand why she did that but unable to force my wife to make any decisions. And often she “dumbed me”, went out drinking and wanted me back afterwards.

 

As time progressed I unfortunately learned that the other woman did not have realistic expectations about me. I was the “perfect man” which I knew was certainly untrue. And as I listened her martial problems, I understood that her ex was an average good guy. There were no “crazy psychotic problems”, just quite normal marital issues. We would most certainly run into the same problems with her and I was asking myself would she do the samething to me? She came from abusive family and my rational mind was telling me that it would affect most certainly somehow to our relationship (for example she started drinking heavily after divorcing her husband).

 

Somehow I was shaked into reality one morning. I don’t know if we are able to work things out with my wife, will I be with the other woman or alone. I love both of the women, but in different ways. All the options seem equally good to me and will see what the future brings.

 

The good thing is that I feel positive about the future, something I was not feeling about a year ago.

Edited August 11, 2016 by Andy-4

[Shadowburn]

Welcome to the boards, Andy What exactly are you looking for from us? Are you still staying with your wife?

You can't "force" you wife to make any decisions, nor you need to

You make you own decisions and deal with consequences, thats what adults do.

Your wife can't stop you from seeing your son, please stop using it as an excuse for staying in limbo and torturing both women.

Your OW os devastated by the turn on events and coping unhealthy.

One day she'll "dumb" you for good, I hope sooner than later so everyone in your story could move on.

 

 

Best wishes xo

[Andy-4]

Welcome to the boards, Andy What exactly are you looking for from us? Are you still staying with your wife?

You can't "force" you wife to make any decisions, nor you need to

You make you own decisions and deal with consequences, thats what adults do.

Your wife can't stop you from seeing your son, please stop using it as an excuse for staying in limbo and torturing both women.

Your OW os devastated by the turn on events and coping unhealthy.

One day she'll "dumb" you for good, I hope sooner than later so everyone in your story could move on.

Best wishes xo

 

I just needed to write my story. At least where I live a my wife can make it very difficult to see my son.

 

 

I know I've made terribly bad decisions. I know I have to probably let the other woman go so she can move on with her life.

[elaine567]

..staying in limbo and torturing both women.

 

That is exactly what is happening here.

Make a decision and stick to it, it is all very cruel otherwise.

[SnowBaby]

In my opinion. Your life is about to change.

 

For one, it sounds like your wife may need you financially for the time being. The love I can almost guarantee you is tainted by a new feeling of betrayal, hurt, pain, and probably a lot of anger. The longer you are in limbo, the angrier and more bitter she is likely to become.

 

If you do stay with her then you do have to realize that you will be kept under a microscope. Definitely not fun for her, as any trust she had will be gone. Eventually and hopefully when she is strong enough and sees a lawyer to be financially strong, she will leave the situation.

 

Wow, the situation with the other woman.

 

First of all it sounds like she has a drinking problem. I will tell you that as a parent, there is no one that I love more than my children, including their father. I would never allow myself to let someone who is toxic coping mechanisms has emotional issues, and sounds like some mental issues, around my kids.

 

I can understand that you may not be in love with your wife, trust me that the feeling will soon be mutual after this betrayal. BUT as a parent, you have a choice of who you do love. It sounds like you are more afraid of being alone more than anything.

 

Being alone isn't a bad thing. It gives you time to heal, and you will eventually find a healthy relationship again. It may not seem like it now, but you will. Hopefully not with another woman who is willing to emotionally manipulate you and has issues that are not healthy to be around your kid. And that is if your wife lets you ever see your kid. As soon as she gets a whiff of the ow's issues, there isn't a court that wouldn't give her anything she asks for. Including no visitation around an alcoholic.

[Andy-4]

 

Wow, the situation with the other woman.

 

First of all it sounds like she has a drinking problem. I will tell you that as a parent, there is no one that I love more than my children, including their father. I would never allow myself to let someone who is toxic coping mechanisms has emotional issues, and sounds like some mental issues, around my kids.

 

I can understand that you may not be in love with your wife, trust me that the feeling will soon be mutual after this betrayal. BUT as a parent, you have a choice of who you do love. It sounds like you are more afraid of being alone more than anything.

 

Being alone isn't a bad thing. It gives you time to heal, and you will eventually find a healthy relationship again. It may not seem like it now, but you will. Hopefully not with another woman who is willing to emotionally manipulate you and has issues that are not healthy to be around your kid. And that is if your wife lets you ever see your kid. As soon as she gets a whiff of the ow's issues, there isn't a court that wouldn't give her anything she asks for. Including no visitation around an alcoholic.

 

Yes I am afraid of being alone. Somehow I think my wife thinks we are "even" now since she did something very very terrible to me few years ago, I am not still able to discuss it. My motivation being with the other women still was not to get even with my wife.

 

I tried to control the situation and leave my wife very quickly but the other woman seems to have lot of problems and it is hard for me to "heal" her which left me wondering what I should do and was not able to make dramatic actions. Divorce process is hard for anyone, but obviously the other woman's coping mechanisms are terrible. Both of her parents were alcoholics and she told me that her ex husband was able to control her drinking and I only found this out after she divorced her husband. I already made some promises to her before that but that information made me uncertain

[DKT3]

Yes I am afraid of being alone. Somehow I think my wife thinks we are "even" now since she did something very very terrible to me few years ago, I am not still able to discuss it. My motivation being with the other women still was not to get even with my wife.

 

I tried to control the situation and leave my wife very quickly but the other woman seems to have lot of problems and it is hard for me to "heal" her which left me wondering what I should do and was not able to make dramatic actions. Divorce process is hard for anyone, but obviously the other woman's coping mechanisms are terrible. Both of her parents were alcoholics and she told me that her ex husband was able to control her drinking and I only found this out after she divorced her husband. I already made some promises to her before that but that information made me uncertain

 

Sometimes when you get cheated on you feel that all bets are off as far as the marriage goes, I think it's a hard thing to admit.

 

I think the real problem is, you don't want either woman, maybe you feel trapped with your wife because you fear reduced time with your son, and ow for fear of being alone. Maybe you really know neither is a good option.

 

Alone isn't so bad when you only know pain and turmoil.

[Lobe]

Read this book and start implementing the suggestions in your life. Whether you reconcile with her or not, your son will benefit from it as will your ability to have a civil relationship with your wife.

lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

[Lobe]

it is hard for me to "heal" her which left me wondering what I should do and was not able to make dramatic actions

 

Not your circus, not your monkey.

 

If you want your OW to be your problem priority, then leave your wife and take your licks where they land.

[SnowBaby]

Sometimes when you get cheated on you feel that all bets are off as far as the marriage goes, I think it's a hard thing to admit.

 

I think the real problem is, you don't want either woman, maybe you feel trapped with your wife because you fear reduced time with your son, and ow for fear of being alone. Maybe you really know neither is a good option.

 

Alone isn't so bad when you only know pain and turmoil.

 

I agree with this very much.

 

Sounds like there was a lot of hurt in your marriage. And to be honest, it may or may not be salvageable. If it it then there is going to have to be some counseling and some reconnection for you both.

 

With that being said, it sounds like your affair may be an exit affair, as you have a fear of being alone. You want to make sure you have somewhere to fall. In the long term, you may be going from a boring and bad situation in your marriage to going into a really terrible situation for you and your kid.

 

You can't heal the other woman. It sounds like she is looking for you to save her, perhaps even from herself. If she depended on her a ex husband to keep her sober, he probably became the mean control freak who she demonized. How long until you can't take the drinking and ask her to stop. Then you become me bad guy. You know you can't be her perfect mate, because there is no such thing. She is already trying to manipulate you. Is that the way you really want your life to be?

 

It is scary being on your own. After I divorced I went from relationship to relationship. Then I stopped. I did things that made me happy, I worked on my career. I found the more confident and independent I was, that I exuded that. I had men come on to me all of the time. I even had former flames want to change their lives for me by moving to be closer. It was when I was finally okay with being alone, that I found someone.

 

I will say that in that time to myself, I realized that I wasn't going to settle or change for anyone. I had to learn to love and accept myself before I could love another. I realized that my needs were important, and that I will never put up with anyone's bull.

 

I hope you know that after you exit what seems to be two toxic relationships, you will find yourself and someone you want to be with. There is a whole big world out there.

 

I would suggest maybe a divorce group on "meet-ups". There you will be surrounded with people in the same boat.

[BluesPower]

OK Andy you have really have to make some decisions here. Every one is going to tell you that you are a creep for cheating. You are. OK, that is out of the way.

 

When DKT3 says, " I think the real problem is, you don't want either woman, maybe you feel trapped with your wife because you fear reduced time with your son, and OW for fear of being alone. Maybe you really know neither is a good option." I think he may be right.

 

I don't know what your wife could do to you that is more terrible that have an affair. And she must have had an affair because you are "even". If you still cannot talk about what happened, no matter what, buddy you have issues.

 

If you don't love your wife, get a divorce, don't be a wimp about being alone. People do it everyday and you are no different.

 

If you actually love your wife, you may have the chance to reconcile.

 

Unless you are a convicted child molester, or something along those lines, your wife cannot prevent you from seeing your son.

 

Now for the other woman. Dude I think you know that she is an alcoholic. You do not want to get involved with that in any way.

 

You need to make a move, I recommend getting single and staying that way for a while, but it is your decision.

 

I you want more advice, some more background would really help.

[boneheadedmove]

Am I out of line for asking why is this guy posting in the Other Man/Woman forum? He's not an OM. Why isn't this in the Infidelity section?

[Lobe]

Am I out of line for asking why is this guy posting in the Other Man/Woman forum? He's not an OM. Why isn't this in the Infidelity section?

 

I think we have a couple posts needing moving today - Mars must be retrograde...

[whichwayisup]

You can't "fix" or "heal" the MOW(married other woman), she is toxic and unstable, her behavior now has shown you who she is and her coping skills are far from normal. Do you want someone like that around your kid? I'm sure your wife wouldn't.

 

You're caught up in the affair feelings and lust, you may care about the MOW but you don't really "know" her..Only in an affair setting, not out in the open or in the real world.

 

 

As for your wife, probably separating and doing marriage counseling together would be a good thing. This way you can be on your own and figure stuff out without EITHER woman. I hope you've ended the A completely and in NC (no contact).

 

Being on your own will show you if you still love your wife enough to make the marriage work (together as a team) or if it would be best to divorce and be single.

[Andy-4]

It is true that I really don't know the other woman. Is she unstable because of her divorce and the stressfull situation or is she always like that? Probably she would use the same coping mechanisms in stressful situations in the future. She is risk taker in relationships, I can tell you that for sure. I have only know her for a year. Would I become the "bad controlling man" her husband was or would our relationship be different? I know her husband wanted custody of their child due to her mental problems. I do not know her husband and exactly what those problems were.

 

I was away for a week from my wife in the summer and started missing her a lot. When I try to talk to her about our son, I just often burst into tears and not being able to discuss the topic properly. Images of my sons birth and that sort of stuff start to flood into my head.

 

Both of the relationships are toxic, it is obvious. Not matter what way I go there is lot work ahead for everyone and everyone wants quick solutions.

[waterwoman]

Both of the relationships are toxic, it is obvious. Not matter what way I go there is lot work ahead for everyone and everyone wants quick solutions.

 

It's not obvious to me that both relationships are multilaterally toxic. Your marriage has become toxic for your wife! The other one seems toxic for you. The ow just seems to be luxuriating in the drama.

[Lobe]

Both of the relationships are toxic, it is obvious. Not matter what way I go there is lot work ahead for everyone and everyone wants quick solutions.

 

Why is the relationship with your wife toxic?

[ShatteredLady]

Will you share what your wife did to hurt you so much? It will REALLY help in giving you advice.

 

 

Your OW - TOXIC! She's told you it was her H who kept her drinking under 'control' (????) so she's not just having a hard time & turning to alcohol! My big concern is....people put their best foot forward in new relationships & affairs. Think about what you already know about her...THAT'S her BEST?!?!?! RUN!!!

 

You're married with a child & you say that you miss your W when you're not together. You have a commitment & a life together. I'd say focus on your family but I really don't know what bad you've been through with your wife.

 

Can I ask which country you're in? That will put to rest if your wife can or can't keep your child from you. I've read MM in the USA & UK say this kind of thing & for them it's simply not true.

 

Obviously divorce will change the time that you spend with your son. If your M is truly toxic (& not rewriting marital history) then everyone will be better off with divorce. Many men I know with shared custody now spend far MORE quality time with their kids than before. Only you know the answers here.

 

A bit more information will really help here.

 

Best wishes.

[Andy-4]

Thanks for your thoughts especially about the other woman.

 

People consider me as a smart and intelligent person so when I talk to my friends about the other woman they automatically assume that I would make a rational decision if I try to be with her. But you guys don’t know me and are probably able to see things from a different angle. My rational mind don’t work properly when I think about the other woman.

[SnowBaby]

People consider me as a smart and intelligent person so when I talk to my friends about the other woman they automatically assume that I would make a rational decision if I try to be with her. But you guys don’t know me and are probably able to see things from a different angle. My rational mind don’t work properly when I think about the other woman.

 

I am taking a guess that you possibly aren't disclosing the entire situation to them. They may know more of the ins and outs of your marriage, because you probably talk to them about that.

 

Are you honest with them about the other woman. That she may lose custody to her ex husband due to her mental issues. That she is drinking heavily and emotionally manipulating you.

 

I do hope that you are using condoms on your part at all times. The decisions you are making right now will have a lasting effect on not only you, but your innocent kid.

 

You have to realize that your son loves him mom more then anything, and right now he is watching her in pain because of you.

[Andy-4]

I am taking a guess that you possibly aren't disclosing the entire situation to them. They may know more of the ins and outs of your marriage, because you probably talk to them about that.

 

Are you honest with them about the other woman. That she may lose custody to her ex husband due to her mental issues. That she is drinking heavily and emotionally manipulating you.

 

I do hope that you are using condoms on your part at all times. The decisions you are making right now will have a lasting effect on not only you, but your innocent kid.

 

You have to realize that your son loves him mom more then anything, and right now he is watching her in pain because of you.

 

Yes I have probably not discussed about the other womans negative sides with my friends. Maybe because they would consider me as a fool if I would do that.

 

My wife is not dealing with the situation as you would expect. Her mother left her father for a other man when she was at my sons age and maybe that has something to do with it. She is showing her postive sides to me and wants offer me the best I think. She has 100% confidence in our relationship and I can't understand why.

[Mr. Lucky]

The other woman started emotionally black mailing me. If I did not do this or this thing, she would dumb me. I can understand why she did that but unable to force my wife to make any decisions. And often she “dumbed me”, went out drinking and wanted me back afterwards.

 

You are as narcissistic and self-centered as any other cheater. Is it "blackmail" for the OW to try and force you to make a choice? Believe it or not, the other participants in your triangle have lives too.

 

She is risk taker in relationships, I can tell you that for sure.

 

What does that make you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey born raised]

What you wife did? Since you are speaking frankly about your own adultety it is not adultery?

 

Money? Adultery tops that by a mile,

 

Regardless it sounds like it was rug sweep and the two of you are doing it again.