I wanna dig a hole and just crawl in it...

August 11, 2016

Hello everyone, I'm posting here with the hopes of getting some good advices from people who know what they are talking about because I'm a wreck..

So.. I'm 26, my ex is 24, we were in a relationship of 4 years and we moved in together 3 years ago, into her appartment.

Two weeks ago I found out she was talking to this guy at work about our relationship and it looked like the dude was trying to get into her pants, anyway, that wasnt such a big deal for me because I instantly woke up and asked her what is going on with us, she then started telling me stuff I had NO idea about that were bothering her and that that guy ment nothing and she just needed an outsiders opinion on whats happening between us.

So I was like ok, then we discussed it and decided to give it another shot, during a week, I was doing everything I could to make her happy, everything, all my time was hers, I took her to the movies, we went to restaurants, parks, walks, everything. (something I should have done long time ago), her major issue was that I ignored her for the past year, and its true, but it only happened because I was in a deep depression that I didnt even know about, because my father just died of liver cancer back then and in February this year I found out my mother had lung cancer. Of course I tried to not show any emotion and acted like it wasnt bothering me, but I was a wreck, I'd come home from work, eat and sit in front of the TV or play video games on my computer ALL the time, including weekends and I wouldnt even speak to her (but this is without me even knowing it...) I was like on auto-pilot basically.

Anyway... after that week, I asked her if she still loves me to which she said she cares about me but she doesnt feel the same way she did at 1st. I was devastated, this ment to me that she basically doesn't love me at all, so we talked again and she basically decided that we should really just break up. We still live in the same appartment but I sleep on the couch and she sleeps in the bedroom till I can sort my stuff and can move out, maybe at the end of the month.

The other day I sent her flowers to her office at work with a card that said stuff like "remember when we met, our legs were trembling so hard we had to sit down and cool off for 10 minutes" and ended it with "I love you". She came home and she was geniunely happy about what I did but she then told me I'm hurting myself by doing this, of course I was pretty upset and started getting all my stuff together to just leave, eventually we cooled off and I remained and we sat down and talked about various good stuff that happened in our relationship till 4 am (take note that we both had to be at work at 9 in the morning heh), we cried, we held eachother, ect but still, to no avail. She's geniunely unhappy about how our relationship ended but she also said she doesnt wanna make the same mistake as her mother did in her youth and that is "be complacent with your situation".

Today... I woke up and decided that I should remove and block her on facebook as she says she'll leave to the seaside with colleagues for the weekend, and I dont wanna see stuff there that will hurt me so I explained that to her and she understood me, we removed eachothers common friends, family ect too and we only speak through whatsapp. I even reminded her about our last trip and how fun it was and she agreed and how funny it is that we started our relationship by talking till 3-4 in the morning and now we're ending it the same, and we both laughed at it (on whatsapp).

Of course my heart is broken as hell and I'm suffering but I'm trying to seem happy about it.. I'm even trying to not contact her anymore, for the last three days, I've stopped texting her in the morning and i'd stay out of the house, just come home late at night (she'd usually be home around 11 too), say Hi and just sit around till we say good night and go in separate rooms. For example the other day, I havent texted her all day, then she texted me around 7pm to ask me how I am, I ignored the message for 2 hours then answered and she instantly replied. Then When I got home at around 1am, I got out of the taxi and saw her looking down from the balcony from our apartment, I'm not sure if it was coincidence or she was just waiting for me (maybe I'm over thinking it).

Now my question is, is there any chance, we could somehow reconcile? if yes, what can I do exactly, cause I'm out of options. Am I doing something wrong ? I still do love her very much, its just that I took her for granted for the last year and I was in that deep state of numbness that nothing mattered in my life anymore... she agreed we both made mistakes too.

Thats about it, i can answer more questions about the subject if needed. Sorry for me being all over the place, I'm still very emotional and english is not my native language either, I did my best.

Regards and thanks in advance to whoever reads my whole story...

Edited August 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs~T

August 11, 2016

All you can do is give her space and move on with your life. Give her time to miss you and realize what you had, but at the same time don't hold on to the idea of her coming back. They usually don't come back in these situations.

She's most likely let go of the relationship long ago, and has been processing ways of ending it. In doing so she may have emotionally connected with her coworker, so you did the right thing by blocking her on fb, as you're not gonna wanna see what updates come in her life soon.

You're looking for bread crumbs and using them as false hope, she probably still cares for you as a person, and knows you're taking this hard as you've already been dealing with depression. But don't mistake this as her wanting to get back.

The sooner you get out of there and completely block her from your life, the better. I stayed connected to my ex's life way too long, long enough to find out she fell in love with another man, and it kind of scarred me. Don't do that.

August 11, 2016

Thank you for your reply, it's sad but true.. I have to move out asap.. I expect her to get into a relationship even though she said she's not interested in one anytime soon, but we all know how that goes. So I think I'm prepared mentally.

I think I'm a masochist though cause I'm actually moving away with the thought of her maybe starting missing me and stuff like that, in the hopes we can reconcile. I know... I'm sick but I can't help it. I even let her know if after I leave and she changes her mind about us in a month or two, she can always call me and we can start fresh maybe. She said she definately will do that but idk.

August 11, 2016

Yea don't give her any hope either. If she knows she can come back at any time she will likely not.

Move out and move on.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's the worst pain there is.

August 11, 2016

Thanks for the kind words.. it is indeed very hard... especially when the woman next to you seems to be your world and you think you'll spend the rest of your life with that woman, to get to this point, it's very very painful..

August 11, 2016

Sorry to hear your pain. It's always tough when one person has already moved on with their heart and head and there's not much we (dumpee's) can do about it. We try everything to get them back but it never wins in our favor. In my experience, ex's come back once you're moved on and happy without them, but everyone's situation is different. I can't stress enough how important it is for you not to get caught up in the idea of her coming back, I'm in the same boat as you with regards to my ex not wanting me back, but I am grieving as much as I can with no hope of us getting back together, albeit, I do have some times where I have a sense of hope or in the back of my mind I am thinking, "she will come back, I'll get her back". This is natural but something you shouldn't focus on too much or even fight off, just miss her when you miss her and don't do anything silly. Such as beg, find ways to win her back, cause her stress etc, none of these will win her back, she has to come back on her own accord. Which may be never, days, weeks, months, years.

Stay strong.

August 11, 2016

Thank you Apparition. Sorry about your situation aswell, how long have you two been together if I may ask

I will certanly stay strong and not beg or any silly stuff like that because I understand how that is in my detriment, I really need to work in focusing on other stuff.. it's just toxic for me.

August 12, 2016

We were together for about 5-6 years but broke up around the six mark. Well, she broke up with me, so I know how it feels. You just have to take one second at a time because we all know when you're heart-broken the day usually drags in and every minute feels like an hour. It's a horrible process but it doesn't mean it will last forever. I still love my ex more than anything and I don't know if I will ever stop loving her, but if she doesn't want me there's nothing I can do about that and just live my life, even if I still love her, I know I am capable of giving another person love and would like the same in return.

How long have you been NC?

August 12, 2016

well i dont know if this is NC... like this week, we'd go all day without talking, and maybe after 6-7 pm I'd get a text from her asking me how i'm doing. I'd reply with "fine, u" and then we'd see eachother at night time around 11-12, we'd greet eachother, talk a bit about our day or whatnot and then say good night and go to bed in separate rooms. For the last two days we havent seen eachother at all, she texted me last night the same asking me what im doing ect and then told me she'll be out of town at the sea side till tuesday, of course that kinda played with my heart but I just replied with "ok have fun!" and left it like that. I also let her know I'll move out when she returns as a friend invited me to stay with him till I find a better place.. it's such a hard situation.

Was your breakup reason similar to mine? how are you coping, are you ok with it? I honestly never thought I'd end up in this situation with her, because I thought she'd never do such thing but I guess I pushed her too much without even realising it.

August 12, 2016

Hmmmm.

I wonder which "colleague" (singular) she went to the beach with?

Care to hazard a guess?

August 12, 2016

Yeah I know, it might be that guy, she said its gonna be some girls and some guys too, eventhough I didnt really ask, I'm prepared for it though, I can't really do anything about them not getting together or stuff like that because I'm sure he already got into her head by now..

August 12, 2016

"her head" hmm, yeah sure.

I'm sure that's not all he's gotten into by now.

The longer you let this go the deeper she gets. Him too.

August 12, 2016

This might just be my imagination getting the best of me, and maybe its all fine and dandy, either way, cant do sh*t about it.

August 12, 2016

My situation was similar to you in the sense of she was the one who called it off, but other than that my situation is completely different and her reasons for breaking it off were completely different, too. Honestly, I think it would be a good idea for you to not communicate with her at all, just tell her you aren't comfortable with talking and it hurts so you need to take care of yourself. You said you want her back, so the only hope/chance of getting someone back is by breaking that tie and moving on. Give her the chance to miss you and allow yourself to heal.

August 12, 2016

Yea don't give her any hope either. If she knows she can come back at any time she will likely not.

Move out and move on.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's the worst pain there is.

I was thinking this too. How it played out in the long term might be weird, but if it were me I might consider telling her something like, "I just wanted you to know I have a date with someone I know/work with/met... and wanted to let you know because if you heard about it form someone else it might be weird..."

It's a game, I know, maybe a bad idea. But jealousy is a strong emotion and might get her thinking.

August 12, 2016

I was thinking this too. How it played out in the long term might be weird, but if it were me I might consider telling her something like, "I just wanted you to know I have a date with someone I know/work with/met... and wanted to let you know because if you heard about it form someone else it might be weird..."

It's a game, I know, maybe a bad idea. But jealousy is a strong emotion and might get her thinking.

Don't do that..it's petty and she'll either not care at all or see right through it(making you lame in her eyes).

August 13, 2016

My situation was similar to you in the sense of she was the one who called it off, but other than that my situation is completely different and her reasons for breaking it off were completely different, too. Honestly, I think it would be a good idea for you to not communicate with her at all, just tell her you aren't comfortable with talking and it hurts so you need to take care of yourself. You said you want her back, so the only hope/chance of getting someone back is by breaking that tie and moving on. Give her the chance to miss you and allow yourself to heal.

Yeah, I'll do exactly that.

Don't do that..it's petty and she'll either not care at all or see right through it(making you lame in her eyes).

Haha yes, I wouldn't do that because I know her too well, I also don't wanna play any mind games, except this NC thing which is good for my well being aswell. I decided to move out when she comes back from her holiday on Tuesday, I already started packing up my stuff around the house and if along the time, she decides to keep contact like a "hello whats up" once in a while, I'll reply casually, if she eventually asks to meet up, I will do it unless I'm gonna be over it by then idk at this point how I'll feel then. Time will tell I guess.

August 13, 2016

For maximum effect, and perhaps your only chance to snap her out of this, be completely moved out BEFORE she gets back.

Don't play her game by her rules. Take control. At this point she's gone so you have nothing to lose, and your self respect to regain.

August 13, 2016

For maximum effect, and perhaps your only chance to snap her out of this, be completely moved out BEFORE she gets back.

Don't play her game by her rules. Take control. At this point she's gone so you have nothing to lose, and your self respect to regain.

I'd really wanna do that, but I need her to be there so we decide together who gets what cause I don't wanna get into arguements over dumb materialistic ****.

I also need to settle this so we dont get into contact over stuff like "hey you forgot this" type of things. Cause at first when I told her im moving out on tuesday she was like "just take your clothes and you can take your other stuff later on"

Edited August 13, 2016 by sherbmeister

August 13, 2016

So leave her a letter expressing your concerns over 'who gets what' and a new email address you make just to communicate with her about this.

Just don't let her see your face again.

August 13, 2016

Don't lie and don't play games. That hurts you more than a hen it does her and is just plain wrong.

Get your stuff. Get out. And stop chatting with her

You have been through a hellacious year. Get out. You need to feel better, not worse. There is no better for you left with this person.

Block her. Lick your wounds. They're serious. They're real.

Good luck bro

August 13, 2016

I'd really wanna do that, but I need her to be there so we decide together who gets what cause I don't wanna get into arguements over dumb materialistic ****.

I also need to settle this so we dont get into contact over stuff like "hey you forgot this" type of things. Cause at first when I told her im moving out on tuesday she was like "just take your clothes and you can take your other stuff later on"

You should pretty much know what's yours/what's her's.. It'd be best to get your things out before she gets back. If you happen to forget something of yours tell her to toss it/donate it. Who cares what she says anymore,right?

OR....Just clean the entire place out?

August 13, 2016

Don't lie and don't play games. That hurts you more than a hen it does her and is just plain wrong.

Get your stuff. Get out. And stop chatting with her
You have been through a hellacious year. Get out. You need to feel better, not worse. There is no better for you left with this person.

Block her. Lick your wounds. They're serious. They're real.

Good luck bro

Thanks man!

August 13, 2016

You should pretty much know what's yours/what's her's.. It'd be best to get your things out before she gets back. If you happen to forget something of yours tell her to toss it/donate it. Who cares what she says anymore,right?

OR....Just clean the entire place out?

Nah, eventhough she hurt me, she still turned my life around at first. I was an alcoholic and a coke addict. She made me change into better. Now I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, gamble. So again, eventhough she hurt me now, I still appreciate what she did and I won't try to hit back because really.. nothing good or positive comes out of that. What's been done, has been done.

August 15, 2016

sherbmeister,

I'm so sorry. It makes me very sad when couples have been together for so long and one of them emotionally checks out. Its so painful for the one that still wants to work things out and make it better. To me it sounds so selfish how she felt you ignored her during that time you were going through a depression. Considering what you were going through she could have been more understanding. She could have Cheered you up and do things with you to bring you up. She felt lonely maybe but if you truly love someone their pain is your pain, their happiness is your happiness. If you don't want your partner to be sad you do anything to put a smile on their face.

Time and life itself works in mysterious ways. Change happens. Sad but true. I just want to say stay strong. Everything will be fine. Take care of yourself and learn to live with yourself again. Whether this woman comes back one day or not you know you did everything you could to save your relationship. Besides in the end you'll win either way. If she comes back and you guys get back together it's because it was meant to be and you'll have the love of your life again. If she doesn't come back, by this time you already learned to live without her and you're a better person and happy alone or with someone new. Either way you win.

Good luck to you

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