Reconnected and lost my girl again

[jjbrewer]

Hi folks,

 

Need your advice here. My ex and I broke up three months ago. We were in a 4-hour long distance relationship. She initiated the break-up due to my being weak and needy, and poor communication. After not speaking for quite some time, I reached out to her casually last month and we texted and called each other often. At the time, we agreed to meet up for dinner when I visit her country supposedly this month. However, since the last two weeks, I started trying too hard and became needy again.. like, she told me about her travel plans for next year, to which I reacted indifferently; when I felt she started acting distant, I started throwing manipulative lines to get her to respond quickly. She got pissed and told me to stop stimulating her by throwing serious topics then making it a joke. I apologized for it and she responded with "Okay".

Three days after that, I told her that I plan on coming over and if she has time, I hope we can meet for dinner. She said she's sorry but she doesn't want to meet because I'm not her type of person.

 

I know she only said this because she got really pissed off. Prior to that incident, we began to be good to each other again. Even talked about a few, intimate things.

 

I haven't spoken to her for 4 days now.. what should I do to make her realized that I was trying too hard the last time that I lost my sense in the process? Is sending an apology text or voice mail okay? Or should I just send a casual message with a simple sorry and how are you?

 

I still love her and I understand now that she wants to take things slow because I had always been the one to be pushy and forced things to which she said before that I was always rushing..and I have learned a lot so I know I am a much more patient person now.

[runup]

I think you need to work on yourself before you get back into ANY relationship. Being needy isn't an attractive trait to anyone and it signifies a lack of self confidence. I have been in your position where the same reasons have come up. I think it's best that you take your time for your sake (not hers). Learn to love yourself so that you don't feel the need to be clingy. Independence is a desirable trait for everyone. It should be your own desire!

 

You may be able to pretend you're not needy for a couple months (if you got back together); however, as we know, relationships bring out the true self. You won't be able to hide your personality forever, nor should you want to. I promise you that if you walk away for now, work on yourself, and gauge the situation waaaay down the road you will be better off for any relationship. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if you ever want a relationship with this girl, you need to do this. If you want to improve yourself, you need to do this.

[jjbrewer]

"I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if you ever want a relationship with this girl, you need to do this. If you want to improve yourself, you need to do this."

 

-- Thanks for the advice man, @Runup.

 

I totally understand how and where I went wrong. It's been really helpful that I have been hanging out with great friends lately who are completely different from the way I am in terms of relationships, and have been focusing on my job. I'm fairly sure that I am a better person now and the fact that I haven't been sobbing during these days that we don't talk displays a great improvement.

 

However, these woman is amazing and I am willing to do what it takes to get her back. I'm thinking of shooting her a short apology message and say something like "I will be waiting for when you are ready to talk", then leave it at that and just hope she contacts me again. Is that good?

[privategal]

Nope. The apology itself is needy and desperate.

Let her see you are independent, not thinking of her and going about your life. She is over it and by you coming around and talking to her she felt less guilty and was using you to get over you.

You made a lot of reverting back to discussing intimate subjects but people do that out of comfort and habit.

It meant a lot to YOU as you want her back.

It meant little to her and was just a source of attention and ego strokes

As hard as it is to admit, she is not into you.

She hadn't seen you in forever and is saying no to meeting up. When a girl likes you she wants time with you.

She even said YOU AREN'T MY TYPE OF PERSON

You are trying to just justify she was mad.

Trust me it isn't that....she wants to move on.

You gotta let go and stop reaching out you are ruining any shred of respect you have in her eyes. Even hi is too much. Stop

Read no contact guide at top of page.

[fromheart]

What you should do at this point is nothing, and let her come to you. You communicating with her, signifies that you're absolutely fine with her telling you something as soul crushing as 'you're not her type of person.'

 

Seriously, why would you remain in the firing line when a woman tells you that? Already you are making excuses for her, saying she was just angry.

And if she's acting distant, politely leave.

 

By trying to reach out to her again, will just signify to her that you are still being weak.

 

She ended it with you, so she must do all the work to get back with you. Otherwise, she has all the power as she has now.

[jjbrewer]

Thanks @Privategal and @Fromheart for giving me your thoughts. I'm definitely taking it into consideration.

 

The reason I know she got mad was because she suddenly shifted and I'm sure as I've asked some of my friends that I said some things that really set her off. First, I asked if I can stay at her place for a few days for vacation to which she responded to with "Hmm I guess it's not right." Then I responded by saying, "You're right. I was just on dr*gs when I said that." She responded with "haha ok". Then I said it's a joke. The next day I called her as I was having problems at work and we began to be okay again, constantly talking.

Second thing that set her off was when I reacted indifferently about her plan to visit Europe. She went cold after that so I decided to throw a joke. I texted her saying I need advice as I am thinking about quitting my job. She asked why.. then I responded with "I have decided I want to become a male ballerina." Then I sent her a photo of a piglet wearing a ballerina costume.

 

That's when she said that I should stop those things because it stresses her as she always goes along with it, then at the end, I turn it into a joke.

 

Of course it hurts when she said "I don't think you are my type of person" but we have dated before and I wasn't this kind of person before things got messed up.

[Densel]

Those conversations you had with her, you making jokes, its not funny.

 

It make it seems like you are not a serious person at all.

I would be pissed off too if its repeatedly the same old joke.

 

Sorry if i offend you. Thats how i see it from my angle.

[privategal]

Who cares if she is mad, happy, sad, it doesn't matter.

She didn't want you in her home, doesn't want to meet up with you, doesn't think your her type, is not reaching out to you at all.

you need to let go.

She isn't interested.

Please stop thinking it's cause you did or said the wrong thing.

It isn't you, it's her.

She wants out.

It hurts.

But let her go.

Don't reach out.

At all.

Show her you value YOUR life and times.

Surprise her by staying silent.

When it's the right person it won't take effort or walking on eggshells or proving yourself.

Just heal, it's football season, buy some tickets, get ready for fall, enjoy the last few weeks of summer, reconnect with friends, job search.

You didn't lose her, she lost YOU.

You will be ok. Stay NC no matter what.

[fromheart]

There's nothing you've said here, that warrants you getting dumped. You weren't mistreating her, betraying her or anything like that.

 

Absolutely no reason for her to get angry and play you like a yo yo. Its her problem, not yours.

People who get angry for little reasons and even give the possibility of dumping their partner, are not relationship material.

 

What I'd say is, if you suggest to a girl that you stay round and she says no, bid her farewell. If she can guess its not right, you know its not right.

 

Go for a woman who absolutely wants you to stay over, and doesn't get angry about silly little things.

[jjbrewer]

Those are all some good points. Thanks, guys.

 

It's true..If she really wants me, she would not just easily cut me off and would have tried to talk it over instead.. like be more open to resolve the issues and all that.

 

Isn't it a cultural thing? Upon reading some more materials, I've come to know that in Asia, girls tend to play more mind games as opposed to in the Western world. Nevertheless, these are things that we could have discussed and find a resolution, to which she decided not to.

[privategal]

Those are all some good points. Thanks, guys.

 

It's true..If she really wants me, she would not just easily cut me off and would have tried to talk it over instead.. like be more open to resolve the issues and all that.

 

Isn't it a cultural thing? Upon reading some more materials, I've come to know that in Asia, girls tend to play more mind games as opposed to in the Western world. Nevertheless, these are things that we could have discussed and find a resolution, to which she decided not to.

 

Nobody needs some one in their life like her.

I know your hurt but I think you are hurting more because you are holding onto false hope, and because your spending so much time in your head trying to sort it out and wish you could go back and redo this or that.

But you can't, I can't, nobody can.

You weren't perfect, she wasn't perfect and regardless of the reasons it just simply did not work out in the end.

Once much more time has gone by without communication you will start to feel calmer and better and will still have some tough days but it's normal.

Her opinion of you doesn't define you. You are awesome and your just a little lost right now as so many others are when going through a breakup.

It's going to be ok....give your self time and you will be feeling better soon if you do not reach out and also if you take her out of your phone and social media.