brn2hunt Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 I hope this is the correct section - if not I apologize. Please excuse grammar errors, English is my second tongue. I have been in a relationship with my GF for 6 years. This relationship est based on an abnormal twisted web of lies and odd circumstances. We found each other through une online dating service. We lived a mere 2 hours apart, however we didn't meet until 1½ years after first conversation. Not for lack of trying - at least on my part. She viewed my profile first but didn't send a message. It showed that she viewed mine so I messaged her. A few days later she messaged me back - I didn't think she was going to. We began talking a lot and texting. I asked her to go on a date and she said she was visiting family for the weekend but we could arrange a date the next week (lie). I asked to video chat and we did for many hours. We maintained texting and video chatting. The day she was supposed to go home she went off the grid. I messaged her and called her with no answers. She made a fake facebook profile that was supposed to be her cousin. She messaged me from that profile and said she was in a car accident and was in hospital. A few days later I called her and could here medical monitors en background. Turns out she downloaded a soundtrack and played it while we talked. She said she was released from the hospital and had a broken ankle. Came home and we video chat more. She made it look like she had a cast on, can't remember how. We set up time to meet and I drove to her apartment. She didn't come out, I find out she didn't even live there or in that city. I waited hours. That point I was done. Her "roommate" texted me. She didn't actually have a roommate, she texted me from an old phone she had that still worked. That roommate told me that she didn't come down because she was scared because she was (I believe you call it) "gang raped" in past. She was raped - not to the extent I was told. No one believed her when it happened or thought it was serious enough so she "up-played" it to make it sound worse so someone would care. She had the very hard childhood - sexually abused by father and grandfather, father murdered mother, tossed around government system care (all true). And thus was months and months of not meeting because she was "scared". Actually, we did not meet because she lied in the first place, the very beginning. About the city she lived, the school she attended, who she lived with. She kept lying until she was able to move out and closer to me. Lied to hold onto me. She has since said joined that site to see if there was any interest in her and didn't expect anything (true), and she never expected to fall in love with me. She didn't want to lose me so kept lying instead of telling truth because I fell in love with a false version of her. I was stupid - I was in love with her. We video chatted each day for hours, sent thousands of texts each month. She made up other lies to keep it going. Eventually 1½ years later we met and the new lies stopped but she maintained the lies she had already started. She since has come clean after I started figuring things out. She wants to marry, it has been 6 years since we found each other online (4½ years physically together), but I am not sure if I should. Something holds me back. The foundation of us is built on lies that are crumbling down. The lies have stopped, I know who she is but still feel like I don't. She is who I fell in love with, but not all the elements. It's like bits are missing and I cannot fully trust. We have daughter together so regardless she is in my life forever.
aileD Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 She was raped - not to the extent I was told. No one believed her when it happened or thought it was serious enough so she "up-played" it to make it sound worse so someone would care. She had the very hard childhood - sexually abused by father and grandfather, father murdered mother, tossed around government system care (all true). - A. This is the reason she is the way she is. If you love her, help her get counseling and help to heal these wounds. The rest will follow. B. as a person who has been raped, don't ever use the phrase "not to the extent". Rape is rape, gang rape or one person the violation is no less or more severe. 1
Toodaloo Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 (edited) People do not change. Not unless they truly want to. I think you should encourage her to seek professional help for her issues then sit back and wait and see what happens after. It will be tough for her for a while. But once she has dealt with it all and a period for the changes to take effect then re-evaluate once you have had a chance to see if this is going to continue. Seems to me you have a very scared partner there who has grown up having to lie to protect herself. She needs to relearn those behaviours and has clearly started to do so off of her own back. I actually quite admire the girl for dragging herself up and out of the quagmire and getting herself into better situations and creating a better life for herself. Edited August 11, 2016 by Toodaloo Spelling
Author brn2hunt Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 - A. This is the reason she is the way she is. If you love her, help her get counseling and help to heal these wounds. The rest will follow. B. as a person who has been raped, don't ever use the phrase "not to the extent". Rape is rape, gang rape or one person the violation is no less or more severe. She doesn't want to get help. She says it does no good and it's a waste of money. I must disagree with your point (B). Rape IS rape, that I understand. However there is a difference between being raped by one male and being raped by many males. It is all traumatic but she made up many details to make it sound worse. Maybe it's a grammar error. People do not change. Not unless they truly want to. I think you should encourage her to seek professional help for her issues then sit back and wait and see what happens after. It will be tough for her for a while. But once she has dealt with it all and a period for the changes to take effect then re-evaluate once you have had a chance to see if this is going to continue. Seems to me you have a very scared partner there who has grown up having to lie to protect herself. She needs to relearn those behaviours and has clearly started to do so off of her own back. I actually quite admire the girl for dragging herself up and out of the quagmire and getting herself into better situations and creating a better life for herself. I don't feel as I can trust her. Everything she says I (don't know the right word) wonder(?). IDK, I think you'll get it. There is lies that she has told me that she will not admit to even with cold hard proof of the lies. My family has started to figure it out and dislike it. I have told two close friends about it, both who described her as crazy or psycho. She has stopped having new lies so that is progress. I will say - if she had not of lied we wouldn't be together. Now we are tied with a child. I went through a lot during that 1 1/2 years we talked online but "couldn't" meet. She continue to say that she was trying but really wasn't. I'd drive for hours to see her or wait hours for her to come. There was a lot of heart break, fear, worry.
NTV Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 I'm not sure if I understand your question. That sounds like a horrible situation for you to be in but you let yourself into it. Are you looking to get out of it now? Are you looking for how to make the best of it? Are you looking for better understanding? Are you looking for permission to do something?
dpass Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 You're with a serious compulsive liar. How did you go 18 months without meeting her, and keep participating in it? Her just saying she was out of town is a red flag, but she just happens to get into a car accident and break a leg? Common'. This girl led you on for over a year, feeding you lie after lie after lie. You tried to meet her multiple times, driving hours, and she didn't show up and had no intention to. I don't care if you have a kid together. Run, don't walk, run. And if you have all that in writing or proof, best keep it for the court battle you will face over the child. I seriously doubt someone who lied that much, so successfully, just stopped.
Author brn2hunt Posted August 17, 2016 Author Posted August 17, 2016 I'm not sure if I understand your question. That sounds like a horrible situation for you to be in but you let yourself into it. Are you looking to get out of it now? Are you looking for how to make the best of it? Are you looking for better understanding? Are you looking for permission to do something? If we had not a child together I would have ended the relationship long ago. I have stayed because we have a child. Now I guess I have to make the best of being with a compulsive liar or leave.
Just a Guy Posted August 18, 2016 Posted August 18, 2016 Hi brntohunt, having read your OP what I don't understand is why you decided to have a child with this girl if you had doubts about her. You say you were not able to meet her for a year and a half and when you did get to meet her you already had doubts about her. Yet you went ahead and had a child with her. My own thinking is that although she used a web of lies to snare you, you went into this relationship with your eyes open. You seem to have been the pursuer. I also think that she has been upfront with you telling you no more lies once she met you. Her lying was just a way of keeping you interested in her while all the time she was assessing as to whether you were a keeper or not. Women use all their bag of tricks to get the man of their dreams and to me, her tricks seem innocuous enough not to merit serious concern. Yes if she was continuing to spout lies to you then it would be a deal breaker. However if her lies are a matter of the past then you should accept her and move on with your life. Assess her overall as a likely wife and if she measures up in all other aspects then you should go ahead and make her your wife. You already have a deep and abiding bond with her through your child with her. Warm wishes
Author brn2hunt Posted September 15, 2016 Author Posted September 15, 2016 Hi brntohunt, having read your OP what I don't understand is why you decided to have a child with this girl if you had doubts about her. You say you were not able to meet her for a year and a half and when you did get to meet her you already had doubts about her. Yet you went ahead and had a child with her. She got pregnant on purpose. Lied about birth control and became pregnant almost immediately after we met. She has not ever admitted to that but all the signs point to it.
CarrieT Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 She got pregnant on purpose. Lied about birth control and became pregnant almost immediately after we met. She has not ever admitted to that but all the signs point to it. Set up a good trust fund for your child and arrange for support and shared custody. It is obvious you can't trust her so why do you even want to try and have a relationship with her beyond raising the child you created?
angel.eyes Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 She got pregnant on purpose. Lied about birth control and became pregnant almost immediately after we met. She has not ever admitted to that but all the signs point to it. No offense, but have you had a paternity test?
Author brn2hunt Posted September 15, 2016 Author Posted September 15, 2016 Set up a good trust fund for your child and arrange for support and shared custody. It is obvious you can't trust her so why do you even want to try and have a relationship with her beyond raising the child you created? Because that I am already in so deep. Family does not know of her lies and I don't want to out her totally. When I look at her all I see is her lies. I never feel as if I can trust her. No offense, but have you had a paternity test? I haven't. That being said, leading up to when she got pregnant she was with my 24/7.
MJJean Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 So you knew your wife had a history of lying and believed her when she said she was using birth control? In the future, use a condom. As for the situation you are now in, have you thought about being honest with your friends and family about your wife, divorcing her, arranging support and visitation for your child, and moving on to a relationship with a woman who is trustworthy?
Author brn2hunt Posted September 15, 2016 Author Posted September 15, 2016 So you knew your wife had a history of lying and believed her when she said she was using birth control? In the future, use a condom. As for the situation you are now in, have you thought about being honest with your friends and family about your wife, divorcing her, arranging support and visitation for your child, and moving on to a relationship with a woman who is trustworthy? She got pregnant before I started finding all of her lies. I think about it a lot. As much hate I have for her I don't want to out her to everyone. Maybe I should.
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