Letting my son move to another country with his mom and new husband?

[beemont]

I have a 5 year old son. I had a relationship with his mother for 5 years and I ended it 3 years ago. We had a good relationship and our break up went as smoothly as it could I think. We just grew apart and fell out of love. We've maintained a pretty good co-parenting relationship and I can say that we are friends. Of course there have been times that we didn't get along or didn't agree. We both agreed to 50/50 custody and have had very few custody problems.

 

My ex has been seeing a new man for 2 years and they married about 6 months ago. He is a good man and a great influence for my son. He treats my son and my ex well and while he's a fatherly figure to my son, he has never tried to overstep my role as dad.

 

My ex's husband is in the military. He is being stationed in another country, on the other side of the world. My ex knew it was a possibly that he would be moved and said we would cross that bridge when it came. Well, it's come.

 

I actually didn't even know about it until my son mentioned it. My original thought was "Hell no, my son is not leaving the country". When I asked my ex about it she confirmed that her husband was being stationed in another country but that she wasn't going because it was too far from me. She was devastated, my son doesn't understand what is going on. We kind of dropped it for a while. I knew she was very upset, she was essentially losing her husband, but it's not my place to comfort her. My son says that she is upset a lot and tries to hide it.

 

It's coming up soon and I don't know if it's second thoughts, my conscience or what, but I'm having a change of heart. It's crazy to think that a man would be okay sending his child away like that.

 

He'd be with his mother, who is a great mom, he'd have her husband who is a great step-dad. The country is just as safe as the one we live in, if not more safe. He would get more experiences with food, language, culture, people, other neighbouring countries. It's not like I'd never see him again, and we could video chat as well. My ex and I have never had trouble agreeing on a custody arrangement, I'm sure flying him back for school breaks wouldn't be an issue.

 

I respect and appreciate that my ex never once asked me to consider it. I could tell she wanted to. She said she wanted to go, that's her husband, but wouldn't leave her son behind or take him from me and doesn't want to go to court over it.

 

I don't want to bring it up with my ex and then change my mind. This is a huge decision, life changing. Am I crazy? I love my son, he is my world.

 

(I would be lying if I said I always dreamed of being a parent. Personally, I never wanted kids. He was an accidental pregnancy and even though I love him, it's a lot of work that I didn't want. I love my son, I don't know if I can say I love being a father. My son is also a momma's boy, always has been, so I have never felt as bonded to him as my ex has. I would miss him more than anything, even when he's only gone for a few days I miss him. I can't imagine going months, but yet, I'm considering it.)

[JuanDelToro]

Personally i would give my permission and let them go. Why?

 

1) Because your ex appears to be a rare species of a woman respecting and taking consideration of your position. In return i'd reciprocate with equal respect and consideration.

 

2) Because, as you said, the new husband is proven to be a good guy and a role model for your son. A boy having 2 great fathers will turn into a great man.

 

3) Because, as you said, it'd be great for the boy to experience a different culture, learn from it and expand his horizons.

 

3) Because it would not be forever. It's the military, he will do a few years and they will be back.

 

4) Because it'll give you a reason to travel as well.

 

5) Because it'll provide you with a little more space and freedom to move.

[Toodaloo]

I think you need to sit down with your ex and discuss it with her.

 

Then both sit down with your son and talk to him about it so he can fully understand the consequences.

 

Get a plan in place. If it is a military placement then it will only be temporary anyway. Regardless of how the pair of you decide to deal with it.

 

You are a lucky man to have a reasonable ex who clearly values your role as a parent.

 

Talk to her. It will do you both the world of good.

[beemont]

I know, I'm very lucky that we had a amicable break up. The only problems we have dealt with were new partners, which was to be expected. I have heard of it being much worse for other people so I count my blessings on that.

 

I suspect she may end up resenting me if I don't let her go. It's like I'm taking her away from her husband/marriage. I don't want our co-parenting relationship to go down the crapper. I also don't want my relationship with my child to suffer.

 

I don't want to get her hopes up and then decide it's not the right choice. We will have to sit down and talk about it though. Either way there will have to be some changes. If she doesn't go, she is going to want to visit so we'd have to change the schedule sometimes - probably.

 

I feel like such a bad dad by saying "Sure! Take my son to the other side of the world so I'll only see him a few times a year." Instinct, society, IDK what, tells me to fight to keep him here.

 

Sometime I worry about, which we'd have to agree on, is my ex wanting to stay there longer. I have a relative who was stationed in Europe, it was supposed to be for 3 years but he and his family have been there for 10 years.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel like such a bad dad by saying "Sure! Take my son to the other side of the world so I'll only see him a few times a year." Instinct, society, IDK what, tells me to fight to keep him here.

 

Sometime I worry about, which we'd have to agree on, is my ex wanting to stay there longer. I have a relative who was stationed in Europe, it was supposed to be for 3 years but he and his family have been there for 10 years.

 

Applaud you for at least considering the concept. The answer for me would be simple - I couldn't do it.

 

In its own way, his relationship with you just as important as the connection to his mom. Don't give it up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dpass]

Would that have consequences for you legally? You would be relinquishing rights to your son, who knows if you'd get them back.

[zuzuspetals]

Hello beemont. It really sounds like you’re covering all the bases in your thought process. The very fact that you’re even considering sanctioning a move shows your deep love for your son. With recent technological advances in communication, if you allowed the family to remain intact by sanctioning the move, could you stay in contact with your son reasonably well utilizing something like “Facetime” or “Skype”? That may serve as one of the stipulations that you might ask them to consider so that you are not simply “left behind”. If this is a military assignment for the step-dad, it probably isn’t permanent, and they would eventually return home, yes? Despite the geographical distance, could your selfless act serve to enhance your relationship with not only your son, but the mom and step-dad too? Sound like a win-win to me. If your goal is to allow your son to thrive in a family setting, it might be the courageous move here. What would be the down-side, besides the obvious distance disparity? This is a tough decision, but it sounds like you’re single-handedly coming to the right conclusion. Bravo.

[standtall]

 

I don't want to bring it up with my ex and then change my mind. This is a huge decision, life changing. Am I crazy? I love my son, he is my world.

 

(I would be lying if I said I always dreamed of being a parent. Personally, I never wanted kids. He was an accidental pregnancy and even though I love him, it's a lot of work that I didn't want. I love my son, I don't know if I can say I love being a father. My son is also a momma's boy, always has been, so I have never felt as bonded to him as my ex has. I would miss him more than anything, even when he's only gone for a few days I miss him. I can't imagine going months, but yet, I'm considering it.)

 

Wow...this is a contradictory paragraph if I have ever read one. Which is it? How old are you? This kind of thinking is generally coming from a teen parent.

 

IMHO, you will rue the day you let him leave the country. You will basically lose all rights as a parent, and you will have a minimal relationship with your son after. If you do go down this path, make sure you lawyer up and put a framework around his leaving...ie how long, countries live in, etc...again i wouldn't do it in a million years.

[Tayla]

Sidebar: parental rights are not given up. Please refrain from stating that.

 

Sir, you will both need to go to court on a change in the custody and visitation. it's a mutual modification . The courts will work with you both on out of country guidelines.

 

I personally cannot advise if this is healthy given your child's formotive years.

 

It was once said a good parent will put the child's needs first. So it's questionable that a child needs to be away from either parent. She can stay state side.

[standtall]

Sidebar: parental rights are not given up. Please refrain from stating that.

 

Sir, you will both need to go to court on a change in the custody and visitation. it's a mutual modification . The courts will work with you both on out of country guidelines.

 

Keep believing that.... there are millions of parents that would disagree. If a parent fights another over custody, and they are not in the same state..let alone in the same country, it can take years until it is resolved, and by that time the child is grown or alienated, essentially doing the same thing as giving up your rights. Possession ( who the child is physically with) and location are everything. I will post as I see fit.

 

As far as protections go, it depends on what countries/states/provinces.

[Mr. Lucky]

With recent technological advances in communication, if you allowed the family to remain intact by sanctioning the move, could you stay in contact with your son reasonably well utilizing something like “Facetime” or “Skype”? That may serve as one of the stipulations that you might ask them to consider so that you are not simply “left behind”.

 

Having used this when my daughter was doing an internship on the other side of the world, it's not nearly as satisfying as it sounds. You're limited by everything from wifi/Internet speed to a 12-16 hour time difference.

 

Don't believe all the Apple commercials...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Toodaloo]

beemont have you managed to talk to your ex yet?

[Emilia]

I would be curious to know what right a father has who walked out on his family because 'he fell out of love'. Does this mean he has the right to control his ex's life, her marriage, etc forever? I shouldn't think so.

[Toodaloo]

I would be curious to know what right a father has who walked out on his family because 'he fell out of love'. Does this mean he has the right to control his ex's life, her marriage, etc forever? I shouldn't think so.

 

Emilia just because relationships break down doesn't mean that fathers who leave the family home do not still care very deeply for their children.

 

Lets not even go down this road eh???

[beemont]

I don't want to permanently ruin my relationship with my son. He is closer to his mother and even when I don't see him for a month (in the summer we each have a month) it's a bit rough getting things back to normal.

 

Having spoke to my ex, her husband is leaving very soon and is expected to be there for 3 years. It could be shorter, but that is the plan at this point. I can't send my 5 year old son abroad for 3 years, only seeing him on holidays.

 

I have spoken with a lawyer, I would not lose rights to my son at all. It would be a temporary change in custody with a time limit so they cannot stay there permanently. My ex has never been the type of woman to try and take him from me, no part of me thinks she would now. She is extremely upset but even she says our son has to have a relationship with both of us. She always puts our son first. She could go to court and try and have custody changed so she can move with our son, and it could be granted, but she isn't that type of person.

 

It's such a hard thing to come to a conclusion on. But I think I have, and I just can't let him go. I don't think it's right if I want to maintain our relationship.

 

I did sit down with my ex, and later her husband and my son. I didn't lead her on at all, we just talked about it. She said we could work it out so she would fly him back here on all long holidays (Christmas, spring break, Easter, Summer) and he would stay with me. We looked at that countries school schedule and basically I would have my son for 3 months out of the year, half of what I have now.

 

If he and my ex stay here, she wants to adjust the schedule so that she can fly out sometimes. That would mean me agreeing to losing holidays with him. Which seems like a small compromise but it's a big deal. Christmas morning is such a special time with him, thus far we have always spent it together (including my ex and her husband). I feel like I should bite my tongue, she is losing a lot more - her husband.

 

To be honest, I feel like I am ruining her life by saying no. Her husband is scheduled to be gone for 3 years, she only gets 2 weeks vacation time a year so has limited time to see him, he won't be able to come home much if at all. She is pregnant, twins (they had fertility help), and extremely emotional and stressed. Her family lives on the other side of the country, she moved here for me (when we were dating). She is left with nothing other than 3 kids to take care of alone, meanwhile I get what I want. It's not my problem, she isn't my wife, but I feel like it's my doing. Even though it's not, she chose to marry a military man.

 

I do worry that she will blame me, especially if their marriage fails because of this. I have to go into this knowing that our co-parent relationship may go down the toilet. I also don't want her to tell our son he can't see his step-dad because I wouldn't let him go. I don't think she ever would, but it's in my mind.

 

I did sit down with my ex's husband as well. He has his own set of worries and wishes. And we all sat down with my son and talked to him. He really doesn't understand what is happening. He says he wants to go with his mom and step-dad, but when we explain that means he won't see me as often he gets upset. He also doesn't want to lose his house, his room, his toys. When asked if he wants to stay he says yes and is much less upset by that. He is upset about his step-dad leaving.

 

Am I crazy? I love my son, he is my world.

I love my son, I don't know if I can say I love being a father. My son is also a momma's boy, always has been, so I have never felt as bonded to him as my ex has.

Wow...this is a contradictory paragraph if I have ever read one. Which is it? How old are you? This kind of thinking is generally coming from a teen parent.

 

I don't think it's contradictory at all. I love my son, he is my son. I don't love being a father, they are not the same thing. Being a father is a role, and act. My son is a person, my flesh and blood. He isn't as bonded to me as he is to his mother, that's a fact. I have been there for him since the day he was born, I have always been active in his life. He is a mommies boy, always has been, I was as well. If he needs something, is hurt or sick, needs help, has to choose a parent (to go home with, school event), wants to play, etc. 9 times out of 10 he will choose his mother. My ex encourages him to ask me, go with me, etc. but that is just how he is. I was the exact same way growing up. It is the same with his step-dad.

 

I would be curious to know what right a father has who walked out on his family because 'he fell out of love'. Does this mean he has the right to control his ex's life, her marriage, etc forever? I shouldn't think so.

 

I don't get to control her life anymore than she gets to control mine. We share a child together, you cannot take the child away from the other parent unless they agree to it. I can't say I'm going to move to Germany and I'm taking my son. That is what happens when you share a child and break up or divorce. You are tied to the other parent forever.

[SammySammy]

I wouldn't do this.

 

The time spent with your child, especially in his developmental years, are irreplaceable.

 

I understand having a reasonable and honorable ex. She's a good woman, but my bond with my child is about the only thing in this life that's important to me. It's imperative that I keep those ties as strong as possible. That's done by time spent with my child.

 

Just my humble opinion. Having been through a similar situation with my ex and daughter.

[beemont]

Just my humble opinion. Having been through a similar situation with my ex and daughter.

 

I agree with you. Did it ruin the co-parenting relationship you had with your ex?

[Mr. Lucky]

I would be curious to know what right a father has who walked out on his family because 'he fell out of love'. Does this mean he has the right to control his ex's life, her marriage, etc forever? I shouldn't think so.

 

If you're going to successfully co-parent after a break-up, you learn to compartmentalize your relationship with your ex vs. your relationship with your child. And that includes, whatever feelings one has towards the ex-spouse, wishing them well in and being supportive of the parent/child bond going forward.

 

You're conflating two separate issues...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SammySammy]

I agree with you. Did it ruin the co-parenting relationship you had with your ex?

 

Our split wasn't amicable. So, it was always strained. Still, the child's needs take priority over the parents.

 

Our relationship is better now that our daughter is an adult. But, having a successful, well-adjusted child was worth any sacrifices made by either of us.

 

Your son needs to know you. He needs YOU in his life. I'm sure this other guy is a decent dude, but he's not you. There are things about my daughter that I instantly recognize and understand. Things about me that she easily understands and relates to. But, that bond we have needs to be nurtured. And that's done by my presence in her life. Being there. That's important.

[NTV]

I've got several things I think I can add:

 

 

1) your kid's mom chose this guy knowing he was in the military and this might happen. the consequences are on her.

 

 

2) yes, seeing a different culture would be something that could have positive impact on the kid. losing time with his father would have negative impact.

 

 

3) Your doubts about feeling bonded to your son? They're normal, and they change with time. Dislike in the responsibilities of father shift substantially into great pride in being a father over time. Don't make decisions based on temporary feeling---you can see the negative consequences of that in more than half the threads posted here. The best cure for those feelings? Teach him something. Anything. Teach him how to ride a bike, to read, heck, teach him to make fart noises with his armpit. It doesn't matter. The investment of time and energy pays enormous returns in pride, bonding, love, and inner strength.

 

 

4) She proposed that you have all the holidays, etc. Did you counter with you have him

 

 

5) Is it possible for you to find work in this overseas location?

[Mr. Lucky]

But, that bond we have needs to be nurtured. And that's done by my presence in her life. Being there. That's important.

 

Amen. Successful parenting is a hands-on activity, married or divorced...

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

 

She could go to court and try and have custody changed so she can move with our son, and it could be granted, but she isn't that type of person.

 

 

That is an extremely remote could, and even if it were to be true, it would cost her plenty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel like I should bite my tongue, she is losing a lot more - her husband.

 

To be honest, I feel like I am ruining her life by saying no.

 

.

 

Who cares? It ain't your problem. You almost seem like you care more about her than your son.

 

Also, what are you guys doing consulting a 5yr old about any of this. Maybe you should read a child development book as well. That conversation had to be scary and traumatizing to him....from a 5 yr olds perspective he is probably is thinking he is bad and somebody doesn't love him. IMHO,that was a completely inappropriate conversation with him. Little kids do not need to be told the truth about everything.

Edited August 16, 2016 by standtall

[beemont]

I've got several things I think I can add:

 

1) your kid's mom chose this guy knowing he was in the military and this might happen. the consequences are on her.

 

2) yes, seeing a different culture would be something that could have positive impact on the kid. losing time with his father would have negative impact.

 

3) Your doubts about feeling bonded to your son? They're normal, and they change with time. Dislike in the responsibilities of father shift substantially into great pride in being a father over time. Don't make decisions based on temporary feeling---you can see the negative consequences of that in more than half the threads posted here. The best cure for those feelings? Teach him something. Anything. Teach him how to ride a bike, to read, heck, teach him to make fart noises with his armpit. It doesn't matter. The investment of time and energy pays enormous returns in pride, bonding, love, and inner strength.

 

4) She proposed that you have all the holidays, etc. Did you counter with you have him

 

5) Is it possible for you to find work in this overseas location?

 

1) Yeah definitely. It is something that we fought about when they first started dating. She knew he could get moved around a lot and depending on where, she wouldn't be going with. She hoped (we both did) that it wouldn't happen.

 

2) The way that I'm thinking about it now is, he is still going to get to see that country and that culture. Some times his mom is going to take him with her to visit. We will probably have to tweak the schedule but right now she gets one month in the summer and I get one month. Guaranteed she takes him to that country. Win-win, for my son. He gets that experience, but doesn't lose time with me.

 

3) I definitely want to teach him things, when I do find something that he wants to learn we do bond over it and I can feel him getting close to me. Then he gets bored of that and shifts back to his mom. He's not interested in a lot of things that I hoped he would. He has zero interest in learning to ride a bike, zero interest in sports, no interest in tools or building things. He is in violin lessons and loves that, I'm not musical in the slightest. He likes puzzles, math and reading. He hates fake/make believe, literally hates it. If a book, movie, show, toy isn't real enough he doesn't like it. He always says that he likes "true to life" things. Isn't even into superheros. He hates getting dirty, even if his hands get dirty from eating it's the end of the world.

 

So when I do find things that he likes to do with me, it feels like winning the lottery.

 

4) I did quickly bring up leaving him here, but she shut that down before I could even finish the sentence. She would never, ever, leave him behind. Which is why she doesn't expect me to. I do want to try and work with her the best I can.

 

Thus far, we have done holidays together. So Christmas morning I go to their house or they come here and we do that together. Same with Easter for his egg hunt, Thanksgiving and Halloween. It has always worked well and I think it's best for him. But if she wants to take him overseas more than once a year in the summer, we'll have to do some tweaking like alternating holidays.

 

5) TBH, I haven't looked into it. My life is here, my home is here, my family is here, my girlfriend and her two kids are here, my career is here. I'd have to get a work permit, find a job, etc.

 

Who cares? It ain't your problem. You almost seem like you care more about her than your son.

 

Also, what are you guys doing consulting a 5yr old about any of this. Maybe you should read a child development book as well. That conversation had to be scary and traumatizing to him....from a 5 yr olds perspective he is probably is thinking he is bad and somebody doesn't love him. IMHO,that was a completely inappropriate conversation with him. Little kids do not need to be told the truth about everything.

 

I don't care more about her than my son, they are two entirely different people with different feelings directed at them. She is the ex and the mother of my child. I don't hate her guts, so yes I feel for her in this situation. I am not a horrible person, I have feelings and I was stating them.

 

That is the woman who cares for my child 50% of the time. Yes, I care about her mental well being. And yes, I worry about how well she will care for my son when she is taking care of newborn twins - alone.

 

I didn't sit my son down and say "Ok, Axel, do you want to live with mommy in XYZ or do you want to live with dad." I am not an idiot, I know what he can and cannot process. My ex has been talking to him a lot about his step-dad going away for work but that he'll be back and reading books to him about it. We all sat down and talked to him about it in the way he is use to. He asked why he can't go with his step-dad, why I cannot go too, what happens to his toys (when he thought he had to go to), kid questions.

Edited August 16, 2016 by beemont

[NTV]

Not sure what country it is but one thing you might think about doing with him would be to get one of those language CDs. If he's really intellectual like you say maybe both could learn to speak a foreign language together... idk maybe not. Just chucking stuff at the wall to see what sticks.

[Toodaloo]

That is an extremely remote could, and even if it were to be true, it would cost her plenty.

 

Actually only about £500 in the UK... Depending on the judge...

 

Fathers rights are not as good as they should be.

 

Fact is if they go to court and they get an old school judge chances are he will throw it out and demand the child stay with the mother... This also happens in cases where there are concerns regarding the living conditions and education of the child while it is with the mother...

 

If they get a female judge she is more likely to side with the father but in most cases the child stays with Mum even if the move is abroad and regardless of custody agreements.