I Screwed Up

[TXGuy]

See my response to Jewel's post.

 

I was thinking more like by encouraging her to open up and be her true self... he had manipulated her in some way.

 

Any sort of manipulation is wrong and would make the person doing the manipulating a creep imo.

 

But I don't know... it could very well be what Jewel said. After getting to know her, he realized she wasn't for him.

 

In which case, he should just end it.... this "slow fade" crap is BS. If that's even what he's doing.

 

We need more info.

 

Like, what things did he do or say to "encourage" her, what was her behavior in response to him "encouraging" her, etc.

 

I always like your stuff Katiegrl, even when I disagree with it. This is one where I disagree, but am entertained.

 

Here we have a situation where (presumably) the woman OP was presenting herself as someone she was not, perhaps uncomfortably. The guy responded with something to the effect of 'relax, just be yourself' and OP did so. And perhaps the guy did not like the OP's real self.

 

Per katiegrl's post, the guy is manipulative and a creep in this scenario.

 

I'll have to disagree. Both parties true selves will come out eventually. It is better for it to happen sooner rather than later. That is, unless you want to manipulate someone into becoming emotionally invested in you before you disclose your deal breaking real personality.

[Lovelorn00]

Ok so you've been on a few dates, you are having sleep overs, etc. Everything is dandy , you like him, he likes you, and he loves you with bbq sauce all over your face.

 

There is no problem.

 

What you are experiencing is normal. This relationship is settling in a routine. You have each other so there is no need for constant texting like at the beginning. As you see each other more the text declines, it's normal. My BF and I are dating 9 months now. At first we always texted good morning and stuff now 0 texting. On my phone it says last time we text was July 23rd and we were testing his new phone so not really a text-text.

 

You have plans for the weekend together?

 

At only 2.5 months? That seems kinda soon.

 

And it's not just texting. He went out with his co-workers the other night (whom I've met), and completely went MIA. Wouldn't respond to any of my texts, and we had tentative plans to hang out that night.

 

It was supposed to be him hanging out with his co-workers until a certain time, and then when were going to meet up. Except when it came time for us to meet up, he never responded. This behavior is very unusual for him. He's not the typical flaky a**hole that I normally date, so this was quite shocking to me. He said it's because they ended up staying out super late and couldn't respond, but seems to me like he was probably on another date. We have not discussed exclusivity.

 

The week before, he was inviting me everywhere with his co-workers AND his groups of friends. It just seemed like an odd shift in behavior to me. Along with the declining communication.

 

No, we haven't made plans for this weekend. He got back into town late last night, so we'll see.

[Lovelorn00]

That is, unless you want to manipulate someone into becoming emotionally invested in you before you disclose your deal breaking real personality.

 

Isn't this the definition of a relationship?

 

I kid, I kid.

[TXGuy]

 

In fact, he actually said to me once, "You're really trying hard to sabotage this, aren't you?"

 

 

This is very telling. You can only expect a great guy to work through your quirks and self sabotage for so long before he loses interest.

[Lovelorn00]

This is very telling. You can only expect a great guy to work through your quirks and self sabotage for so long before he loses interest.

 

Good point.

[katiegrl]

Per katiegrl's post, the guy is manipulative and a creep in this scenario.

 

 

Well TXguy... in my defense I didn't exactly say that. I wasn't sure if that is what he was doing, we needed more info.

 

Her initial post was rather evasive... and I said it's quite possible that having gotten to know her, his interest has faded somewhat. That is wasn't a manipulation.

 

But now having been given more info, frankly I don't know what's going on.

 

But honestly, I am inclined to think it's just the normal "dance" new couples do with each other during those early stages (first six months or so).

 

Just got a roll with it and not over-think.

 

LL, he is still pursuing you, correct? Just not as much or not as intensely? Is that what's troubling you?

 

IMO one has to expect a bit of back and forth in these early stages. You're just feeling insecure because you've been ghosted and faded on so many times, you've become a bit paranoid about it and assume that is what he's doing.

 

Please try to refrain from doing that because if you do, he may become turned off because of THAT, not because you've been showing more of your true self.

 

Try to roll with it, and not over-think too much.

[Gaeta]

 

It was supposed to be him hanging out with his co-workers until a certain time, and then when were going to meet up. Except when it came time for us to meet up, he never responded.

 

Here is your mistake and the mistake of many ladies on here. The man is NOT great ! Great men don't pull stun like this. We call men great when they respects their words, when they don't pull stun like this, when they are fully there for you when the going gets tough.

 

Again this is not a great guy. This alone should have been enough for you to terminate the relationship. He stood you up. There is no word for it. A 'great guy' does not do that.

 

So instead of dragging this another few weeks, another couple of months, and be back on here talking about why he's not into you as much, why his interest is fading, why why why, instead break up right now and search for a REAL great guy!

 

When I met my boyfriend I was unsure if I liked him or not. I thought first mistakes he's out ! and guess what? there was no mistakes. He called when he said he would, he kept in touch I never had to look for him, he planned dates ahead of time.

 

Men that know how to properly date a lady DO exist !! Women have to stop giving their precious time to half-hearted losers.

[Lovelorn00]

Ah. I really, really want to disagree with you, Gaeta, but I think you’re right. However, I feel as though I need to clarify a bit.

 

Last Wednesday, he had asked to see me again. I told him it would have to be the following week, because I had plans every day, including the weekend. He said okay and that he had plans to go out with his co-workers after work for happy hour that Friday. He asked that we “keep in touch” on the day of just in case anything changes and we’re able to hang out with each other. I agreed.

 

Friday rolls around, and I end up cancelling my plans, because I had too many errands to run. I told him this, but I also told him that I would be around later. He tells me that he’s still planning on going out with his co-workers, but that, as agreed, he would “keep in touch.” So, I run my errands, and I end up finishing at a decent hour. I text him to ask if he’s still hanging out with his co-workers (it’s around 8pm at this point), and he says that he is, but that they should be finishing up soon. So, I go home and change clothes, thinking that we might be able to get together late. I text him to ask if he’s still hanging out with his co-workers, and THAT’s when I didn’t receive a response. At this point, it’s about 10pm. I end up going to bed instead. He didn’t respond until 10:30pm the next morning. So much for “keeping in touch.”

 

As you can see, these weren’t definitive, confirmed plans. The whole evening was pretty up in the air. He ended up apologizing and explaining that they stayed out way later than they had planned and hopped around to a few other bars. Later the next day, he ended up inviting me out with another group of his friends, but I declined (I was tired from a long trip that day).

 

The behavior is unusual to me because 1) he’s invited me out with his co-workers before, so what’s different now? And b) Why did “happy hour” after work turn into an entire night of bar hopping?

[Gaeta]

As you can see, these weren’t definitive, confirmed plans. The whole evening was pretty up in the air. He ended up apologizing and explaining that they stayed out way later than they had planned and hopped around to a few other bars. Later the next day, he ended up inviting me out with another group of his friends, but I declined (I was tired from a long trip that day).

 

The behavior is unusual to me because 1) he’s invited me out with his co-workers before, so what’s different now? And b) Why did “happy hour” after work turn into an entire night of bar hopping?

 

Of course he could not text you to not wait up for him in between those bars. And he makes it up to you by inviting you to join him in a group of friends. You're just another buddy for him.

[Lovelorn00]

Of course he could not text you to not wait up for him in between those bars. And he makes it up to you by inviting you to join him in a group of friends. You're just another buddy for him.

 

I gotcha. You're right. I need to let him go.

 

Just another case of getting too exciting too soon and opening up for someone too soon. I’m good at that.

[Gaeta]

I gotcha. You're right. I need to let him go.

 

Just another case of getting too exciting too soon and opening up for someone too soon. I’m good at that.

 

Remember this.

 

Don't open up for free.

 

When you meet a man be on your best behavior but also be in observation mode. All the flafla like he thinks you're hot, he wants you, you're the best thing ever, all that means nothing. What means something is:

 

* Does he keep his word - he says he will call and he does

* Is he considerate of your time - he plans date ahead of time

* Is he attentive - He does not leave you days with no contact

* He makes time to date you - meaning he takes actions to see you.

 

If a man broke 1 of these you dump him. This way you will waste much much less time on these losers.

 

Lastly, know what you want:

 

You want a relationship then don't negotiate down - don't be a friend or a buddy. Seek men that also are wanting a relationship, not in 6 months, not next month, someone that is interested in the now.

[Lovelorn00]

Remember this.

 

* Does he keep his word - he says he will call and he does

* Is he considerate of your time - he plans date ahead of time

* Is he attentive - He does not leave you days with no contact

* He makes time to date you - meaning he takes actions to see you.

 

He did all of these things and more for the first couple of months. That's why I liked him so much.

 

That's the only reason I opened up so freely. He encouraged me to do it, and he met all of those requirements you just listed and more. Up until recently.

 

And now he gets to pull the slow fade, and as usual, I'm the one who ends up hurt.

[Gaeta]

And now he gets to pull the slow fade, and as usual, I'm the one who ends up hurt.

 

These things happen. They hurt but we cannot change them. I had a man do a disappearing act on me after 6 months and spending Xmas with me and my family. I never got an explanation. No matter how horrified I was I had to move on to next. And the next one happened to be the good one for me.

[Lovelorn00]

These things happen. They hurt but we cannot change them. I had a man do a disappearing act on me after 6 months and spending Xmas with me and my family. I never got an explanation. No matter how horrified I was I had to move on to next. And the next one happened to be the good one for me.

 

Thanks, Gaeta. I wish I could say that you give me hope, but I've honestly lost all hope when it comes to dating. I really thought this was a good one. I really, really did.

 

How long have you been with your current guy? Seems like it's been a while.

[introverted1]

Too late... I'm totally like you. It's quite unfortunate, but I've been treated like absolute sh** by most men that I've dated. Over time, I can't help but become super negative about all of it.

Sometimes it comes out in negative ways. This guy is so sweet, yet sometimes I don't believe he's being genuine. I'm having difficulty believing that he's just a genuinely sweet, kind-hearted guy who actually likes me and my personality.

 

In fact, he actually said to me once, "You're really trying hard to sabotage this, aren't you?"

The fact that he actually sees that part of me is probably a turn off, for sure. I used to think that the right guy for me would be the type to say, "I like you. I'm going to work hard to show you that I like you for who you are and that all guys aren't horrible."

 

He's said those exact things to me before, and I've slowly begun to let my guard down. It's new territory for me. I'm opening up, but it's too late, and it sucks.

 

I totally understand how you are feeling, but I also know that most guys (or gals, for that matter) don't want to have to make up for the wrongs committed by the guys before them.

 

It's one thing to discuss your dating history and something else to expect this guy to have to convince you that this time will be different. It ends up changing the dynamic from where you are both enjoying discovering each other to one where he has to prove the rightness of the relationship to you. This works in books and movies maybe, but not so much in real life.

 

I suspect that if you could just enjoy your time together, without worrying about the past, it might work out. Dating should be FUN.

[Gaeta]

How long have you been with your current guy? Seems like it's been a while.

 

It's been 9 months now. I can't find one fault to that man. I can't believe after our first meeting I almost decided to not see him again.

[Gaeta]

I suspect that if you could just enjoy your time together, without worrying about the past, it might work out. Dating should be FUN.

 

I 100% agree. I have tons of reasons to not trust men but I made a point of never saying things like 'I got hurt before' or 'I got played before'. You don't say that ever to someone you date.

[Lovelorn00]

I totally understand how you are feeling, but I also know that most guys (or gals, for that matter) don't want to have to make up for the wrongs committed by the guys before them.

 

It's one thing to discuss your dating history and something else to expect this guy to have to convince you that this time will be different. It ends up changing the dynamic from where you are both enjoying discovering each other to one where he has to prove the rightness of the relationship to you. This works in books and movies maybe, but not so much in real life.

 

I suspect that if you could just enjoy your time together, without worrying about the past, it might work out. Dating should be FUN.

 

You're right, and I have no idea how to do this. How do you enjoy spending time with someone over 2.5 months without being concerned that they'll hurt you like the last 100 guys you were involved with?

[Lovelorn00]

It's been 9 months now. I can't find one fault to that man. I can't believe after our first meeting I almost decided to not see him again.

 

I actually felt that way after I met the guy who is the subject of this thread. He was "too nice" and I didn't feel the fireworks, because he's not the typical bad guy that I date. So I stuck it out, and the more I got to know him, the more attracted to him I became.

 

But it was all for naught, because the more he got to know ME, the LESS attracted HE became.

[introverted1]

You're right, and I have no idea how to do this. How do you enjoy spending time with someone over 2.5 months without being concerned that they'll hurt you like the last 100 guys you were involved with?

 

I sometimes struggle with this, too.

 

The thing is: any relationship worth having is one where you might get hurt. If you could not be hurt, then odds are you are not that invested.

 

So all you can do is to observe his behaviours: do they match up with his words? Do they match up with what you want? If yes, proceed, albeit with caution.

 

Telling him that you are fearful of proceeding does nothing to protect you and only puts a damper on things for him, increasing the likelihood of the very outcome you want to avoid!

 

Good luck, LL. You can do it.