I Screwed Up

[Lovelorn00]

I showed too much of my true self too soon, and I'm kicking myself for it. The guy was great. Pretty close to perfect, actually. He made me comfortable enough to really be myself around him. I mean, really TRULY be my authentic self. I should’ve known from my extensive experience in the dating world that showing too much of one’s true self to a guy early on is a big no-no. He just… made me feel like I could. He encouraged it. I showed him my quirks, and now he’s pulling a slow fade like all the others. I guess I got a little too comfortable a little too soon. I feel like I’ve lost a good one, and I’m so bummed about it.

 

Do any of you have similar experiences? I'd love to hear about them.

[Gaeta]

Not enough details lovelorn.

 

How many dates?

 

What did you show him?

[katiegrl]

I showed too much of my true self too soon, and I'm kicking myself for it. The guy was great. Pretty close to perfect, actually. He made me comfortable enough to really be myself around him. I mean, really TRULY be my authentic self. I should’ve known from my extensive experience in the dating world that showing too much of one’s true self to a guy early on is a big no-no.

 

He just… made me feel like I could. He encouraged it. I showed him my quirks, and now he’s pulling a slow fade like all the others. I guess I got a little too comfortable a little too soon. I feel like I’ve lost a good one, and I’m so bummed about it.

 

Do any of you have similar experiences? I'd love to hear about them.

 

LL, I fail to see how a guy who encouraged you to be your true authentic self, and who is now pulling a slow fade on you because of that, is a good guy.

 

Can you explain your thought process there?

 

IMO any guy who "encourages" a woman to be her true authentic self and then fades on her because of that, is a creep.

 

What am I missing?

Edited August 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[JewelD]

I don't think being your authentic self is a bad thing. In fact, that's what you should be doing while dating someone. You don't want to pretend to be something you're not or close yourself off to him. Unless your authentic self is unpleasant in some way.

 

But people who fade once you get comfortable aren't necessarily doing it because you were being yourself, sometimes they just realize you are not a match or they are not ready for a relationship or they met someone else, etc. It's not necessarily anything you did.

 

Sounds like you're upset that you got hurt and wish you hadn't invested so much into this person. That happens to me too sometimes, but it's hard when you really like someone. Just try not to take things so seriously next time. Until you become official, always be open to the possibility that this person may not be the one for you.

[salparadise]

IMO any guy who "encourages" a woman to be her true authentic self and then fades on her because of that, is a creep.

 

So as a guy, if there's a possibility that we'd have to fade, then it's incumbent on us to only encourage her to show the false self? Correct?

 

Do tell katiegrl. I'm sure we're about to gain some tremendous insight.

[katiegrl]

 

But people who fade once you get comfortable aren't necessarily doing it because you were being yourself, sometimes they just realize you are not a match or they are not ready for a relationship or they met someone else, etc. It's not necessarily anything you did.

 

 

^^This.

 

Unless you feel he manipulated you in some way, so as to allow you to feel comfortable enough to open up and be yourself... and then he faded.

 

If that's the case, then as I said before he's a creep, not a one of the good guys.

 

But if not then I agree with Jewel.

 

I think we need more info though.

[bachdude]

Another aspect to consider,

 

 

When first dating, I think it's a good idea to assume that whatever you divulge about yourself it will be shared with that person's friends.

[basil67]

IMO any guy who "encourages" a woman to be her true authentic self and then fades on her because of that, is a creep.

 

Of course, that true authentic self could contain parts which a partner finds completely unacceptable. In which case, it's wise to disappear.

[katiegrl]

So as a guy, if there's a possibility that we'd have to fade, then it's incumbent on us to only encourage her to show the false self? Correct?

 

Do tell katiegrl. I'm sure we're about to gain some tremendous insight.

 

See my response to Jewel's post.

 

I was thinking more like by encouraging her to open up and be her true self... he had manipulated her in some way.

 

Any sort of manipulation is wrong and would make the person doing the manipulating a creep imo.

 

But I don't know... it could very well be what Jewel said. After getting to know her, he realized she wasn't for him.

 

In which case, he should just end it.... this "slow fade" crap is BS. If that's even what he's doing.

 

We need more info.

 

Like, what things did he do or say to "encourage" her, what was her behavior in response to him "encouraging" her, etc.

[basil67]

I showed too much of my true self too soon, and I'm kicking myself for it. The guy was great. Pretty close to perfect, actually. He made me comfortable enough to really be myself around him. I mean, really TRULY be my authentic self. I should’ve known from my extensive experience in the dating world that showing too much of one’s true self to a guy early on is a big no-no. He just… made me feel like I could. He encouraged it. I showed him my quirks, and now he’s pulling a slow fade like all the others. I guess I got a little too comfortable a little too soon. I feel like I’ve lost a good one, and I’m so bummed about it.

 

Do any of you have similar experiences? I'd love to hear about them.

 

You have to show your true self eventually - better to do it sooner rather than later. Thing is, you could spend six months dating a guy and finally reveal who you really are and then find the same outcome. And have wasted 6 months too.

 

Also, consider that hiding your true self for a while is also known as "bait and switch".

[bachdude]

Of course, that true authentic self could contain parts which a partner finds completely unacceptable. In which case, it's wise to disappear.

 

But not wise to fade.

[katiegrl]

You have to show your true self eventually - better to do it sooner rather than later. Thing is, you could spend six months dating a guy and finally reveal who you really are and then find the same outcome. And have wasted 6 months too.

 

Also, consider that hiding your true self for a while is also known as "bait and switch".

 

Agree.

 

One should always be their true authentic self.

 

Personally speaking, I know of NO other way to be.

[smackie9]

It just cut through months of crap....end result: you are not compatible. He found out a little sooner you were not for him. I don't see an issue with that.

[Gaeta]

Still not enough information.

 

What does it mean showing our true self?

 

When I started dating a man I was always my true self except I didn't walk in front of him with my hot rollers on !! So exactly what are we talking about here when you say 'true self'? did you have a pity party and cried in front of him? Did you confine serious horrible childhood secrets on your 2nd date? Did you show him your wooden leg ? what exactly??

[katiegrl]

 

Still not enough information.

 

 

Exactly!

 

LL, by "authentic self," do you mean open up, express your feelings? And then he faded?

 

What things did he do or say to encourage you? And how did you respond?

[JewelD]

Still not enough information.

 

What does it mean showing our true self?

 

When I started dating a man I was always my true self except I didn't walk in front of him with my hot rollers on !! So exactly what are we talking about here when you say 'true self'? did you have a pity party and cried in front of him? Did you confine serious horrible childhood secrets on your 2nd date? Did you show him your wooden leg ? what exactly??

 

Wooden leg.

[Lovelorn00]

It just cut through months of crap....end result: you are not compatible. He found out a little sooner you were not for him. I don't see an issue with that.

 

The issue is that I'm bummed about it.

[BluEyeL]

Still not enough information.

 

What does it mean showing our true self?

 

When I started dating a man I was always my true self except I didn't walk in front of him with my hot rollers on !! So exactly what are we talking about here when you say 'true self'? did you have a pity party and cried in front of him? Did you confine serious horrible childhood secrets on your 2nd date? Did you show him your wooden leg ? what exactly??

I was going to post the same thing. There is true self and there is oversharing. If you over shared at a time in a relationship when it wasn't appropriate,yes it's on you.

 

It didn't happen to me per se but when I was dating and learning how to date I did notice that when I acted more "intimate" (not in the physical sense) at the first couple of dates I usually didn't get a call back. It seems to be a turn off.

[Lovelorn00]

I don't think being your authentic self is a bad thing. In fact, that's what you should be doing while dating someone. You don't want to pretend to be something you're not or close yourself off to him. Unless your authentic self is unpleasant in some way.

 

This. This is the truth, and it upsets me. Maybe I just need to accept the fact that my authentic self kinda sucks?

 

Apologies for the delay, everyone. I've been doing a little soul-searching and trying to figure some things out. These are excellent responses, though - ones that have definitely given me different perspectives on the situation.

 

The guy and I are still in contact. In fact, we've hung out once since I started this thread and had a great time (I thought). Communication this week has been intermittent, but that could be because he's on a business trip that requires him to be outside working for most of the day. I don’t know. Communication was waning before he left.

 

There is definitely a part of me that feels like this could've been manipulation, but I could be feeling that way, because I'm so used to being hurt and manipulated by guys in the most awful ways. So, yes - I can be a bit guarded and apprehensive when someone encourages me to open up to them so early on. I think to myself, "Gosh, this guy actually just likes me for who I am. Is this real?" This is a rare feeling for me, but it turns out that who I am isn't all that likeable, I guess.

 

I am the very definition of a "quirky" girl, and these "quirks" are usually hidden (deliberately) in the early stages of dating. Not so with this guy. Here's an example: I don't let anyone see me without makeup on. I'm not talking about piling it on, but I usually have a little bit of something on my face. Not many people have seen me bare-faced, because that's just not the face that I want to present to people. This guy has definitely seen me bare-faced, and encouraged me to do it. This guy has seen me covered in barbecue sauce (we were at a festival), sweaty, frizzy-haired and messy, and still says I’m beautiful (even when I’m clearly not). I would never in a million years let a guy see me like that so early on. Like Gaeta said earlier, that’s like walking around with curlers in my hair. There are just things that the guy doesn’t need to see so early on, and I made the mistake of letting him see it.

 

Another example: I’m really weird about kissing. I don’t like to kiss on the first date, and it makes me kinda nervous. I go on a lot of dates, and I really don’t need to be kissing all of these dudes. So, I’m a little slow to warm up to making out with someone – I want to know them a little first. This is a quirk. It’s who I am. Most girls are super open to kissing someone on the first date. I’m not. Therefore, most guys are weirded out by that. Not this one. He was so understanding and so kind and didn’t take it as rejection. He encouraged me to take my time and vowed to slow himself down, and he’s kept his vow. I’ve admitted a few of my dating woes to him and explained that I’m pretty apprehensive and cautious when it comes to dating because of so many bad experiences. He responds that he’s willing to work harder to gain my trust. Statements like this are what hook me, and I need to stop falling for it.

 

The reason I’m bummed is because I got excited. I’ve dated a lot (A LOT), but it’s rare for me to meet someone who seems to just like me for who I really am, flaws and all. I thought to myself, “This must be what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship.” I’m able to be open and real and vulnerable, while feeling reassured that those things won’t cause him to disappear.

 

Except… they did. Ouch. So close!

[Gaeta]

I really really doubt this man got turned off by some bbq sauce and not kissing on 1st date. So what happened after that? how did the relationship declined from there? How many dates did you have? Did you see him after the bbq festival?

[Charmed22]

I am the very definition of a "quirky" girl, and these "quirks" are usually hidden (deliberately) in the early stages of dating. Not so with this guy. Here's an example: I don't let anyone see me without makeup on. I'm not talking about piling it on, but I usually have a little bit of something on my face. Not many people have seen me bare-faced, because that's just not the face that I want to present to people. This guy has definitely seen me bare-faced, and encouraged me to do it. This guy has seen me covered in barbecue sauce (we were at a festival), sweaty, frizzy-haired and messy, and still says I’m beautiful (even when I’m clearly not). I would never in a million years let a guy see me like that so early on. Like Gaeta said earlier, that’s like walking around with curlers in my hair. There are just things that the guy doesn’t need to see so early on, and I made the mistake of letting him see it.

 

Another example: I’m really weird about kissing. I don’t like to kiss on the first date, and it makes me kinda nervous. I go on a lot of dates, and I really don’t need to be kissing all of these dudes. So, I’m a little slow to warm up to making out with someone – I want to know them a little first. This is a quirk. It’s who I am. Most girls are super open to kissing someone on the first date. I’m not. Therefore, most guys are weirded out by that. Not this one. He was so understanding and so kind and didn’t take it as rejection. He encouraged me to take my time and vowed to slow himself down, and he’s kept his vow. I’ve admitted a few of my dating woes to him and explained that I’m pretty apprehensive and cautious when it comes to dating because of so many bad experiences. He responds that he’s willing to work harder to gain my trust. Statements like this are what hook me, and I need to stop falling for it.

 

None of those are quirks!!! I am in a similar situation where I feel like a guy I'm dating is fading on me. I have showed him my true side. Not the no makeup and scared to get physical side but the overthinking, overanalyzing, and overbearing side. Stuff that is actually an issue to many men.

 

Im saying this because I feel what you listed are small in comparison to showing true red flags about yourself. If this guy could fade on you just because he seen you without makeup and you wanting to take things slow, then he wasn't that into it to begin with. He dosent seem like he is presuring you to show your true self. He actually seems like he is trying to take things slower since you expressed to him that you are cautious. No problem with that. Just go with it. If he is still seeing you then that is a good sign. Don't be like me and think of the negatives and that he is the same as other guys cause then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Your actions will push him further. Just relax.

Edited August 19, 2016 by Charmed22

[BaileyB]

Always good to be who you are with a new person you are dating. Yeah, it's a bit of a game and you slowly reveal certain things... But never be someone you are not because it will not work well for you in the end.

[Lovelorn00]

I really really doubt this man got turned off by some bbq sauce and not kissing on 1st date. So what happened after that? how did the relationship declined from there? How many dates did you have? Did you see him after the bbq festival?

 

Yes, we've been on a few more dates since then. Sleepovers, even. But communication is definitely waning. He's pulling back.

[Lovelorn00]

None of those are quirks!!! I am in a similar situation where I feel like a guy I'm dating is fading on me. I have showed him my true side. Not the no makeup and scared to get physical side but the overthinking, overanalyzing, and overbearing side. Stuff that is actually an issue to many men.

 

Im saying this because I feel what you listed are small in comparison to showing true red flags about yourself. If this guy could fade on you just because he seen you without makeup and you wanting to take things slow, then he wasn't that into it to begin with. He dosent seem like he is presuring you to show your true self. He actually seems like he is trying to take things slower since you expressed to him that you are cautious. No problem with that. Just go with it. If he is still seeing you then that is a good sign. Don't be like me and think of the negatives and that he is the same as other guys cause then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Your actions will push him further. Just relax.

 

Too late... I'm totally like you. It's quite unfortunate, but I've been treated like absolute sh** by most men that I've dated. Over time, I can't help but become super negative about all of it.

Sometimes it comes out in negative ways. This guy is so sweet, yet sometimes I don't believe he's being genuine. I'm having difficulty believing that he's just a genuinely sweet, kind-hearted guy who actually likes me and my personality.

 

In fact, he actually said to me once, "You're really trying hard to sabotage this, aren't you?"

 

The fact that he actually sees that part of me is probably a turn off, for sure. I used to think that the right guy for me would be the type to say, "I like you. I'm going to work hard to show you that I like you for who you are and that all guys aren't horrible."

 

He's said those exact things to me before, and I've slowly begun to let my guard down. It's new territory for me. I'm opening up, but it's too late, and it sucks.

[Gaeta]

Yes, we've been on a few more dates since then. Sleepovers, even. But communication is definitely waning. He's pulling back.

 

Ok so you've been on a few dates, you are having sleep overs, etc. Everything is dandy , you like him, he likes you, and he loves you with bbq sauce all over your face.

 

There is no problem.

 

What you are experiencing is normal. This relationship is settling in a routine. You have each other so there is no need for constant texting like at the beginning. As you see each other more the text declines, it's normal. My BF and I are dating 9 months now. At first we always texted good morning and stuff now 0 texting. On my phone it says last time we text was July 23rd and we were testing his new phone so not really a text-text.

 

You have plans for the weekend together?