lostgirll Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 Hello all, I am new to this site and am feeling extremely lost and hopeless at the moment, would love to get some feedback on my complicated situation please. I am in a 4.5 year relationship with my partner. love of my life. we recently moved to another state ( a spur of the moment kind of thing). a month ago she tells me she has been unhappy for a while, and feels miserable and suffocated in the relationship. plans on moving back to the state we lived in previously in September to clear her head and figure out what she will be doing with her life. I’ll admit im at fault for a lot of the issues in our relationship mainly because of my (insecurity, jealousy) she has put up with it all these years because she loves me, but feels like shes had enough and wants to be happy, even if that means losing me. we’ve had several convos in which i did the usual begging, trying to convince her to stay, but to no avail she seems determined in her decision. we are best friends so even though some hateful words have been exchanged between us, as of now we are basically acting as though we are still a couple ( we live together) and avoiding the fact that she is indeed leaving. sometimes i feel like things are great and that she will change her mind but i know im only fooling myself. at first i asked her if i should just give up and stop fighting for her she said no, have faith if its meant to be it will be, just let me go and do what i have to do…then our last convo on this topic last week she said i no longer see a future with you, and that i should work on my issues not to screw up my next relationship. i clearly dont want anyone else, we planned so much for our futures together. before we moved to the new state she asked me to go to city hall and marry her (we are females), and honestly the only thing that held me back is this exact reason...she has a tendency to run away when **** hits the fan. after weeks of pretending to be ok, last night i broke down in front of her and she asked me whats wrong, i told her that i literally feel like my soul is dying..all she had to say is Im sorry. she said that i should have accepted the fact that shes leaving by now. i asked her how you can go from wanting to marry someone to leaving the damn state, and she said that was then this is now "its not my fault, i did not know that i would feel this way", she said that she wants to be alone, and she isnt going to change her mind about leaving. she keeps saying that instead of being miserable now we should enjoy the time we have left together. but i am so tired of faking that im alright, she is literally slipping out of my hands and there is nothing i can do about it. she also told me last night that walking away from me is the hardest thing she has ever done in her life, but right now she feels like this is what she has to do. I asked her that perhaps this feeling is temporary, and she said that maybe so but shes an "in the moment kind of person" so even if this is a mistake she will have to deal with the consequences later!! which leads me to believe that after almost 5 years together all i am is a consequence of her actions? i apologize for the rant, just need some feedback please. i feel like im losing my mind more and more day by day. for some reason my brain cant accept the fact that this is really happening, i keep hanging on to hope that she will change her mind..and when she does leave, is that it? do i try to reconnect after a period of silence?
Author lostgirll Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 Hello all, I am new to this site and am feeling extremely lost and hopeless at the moment, would love to get some feedback on my complicated situation please. I am in a 4.5 year relationship with my partner. love of my life. we recently moved to another state ( a spur of the moment kind of thing). a month ago she tells me she has been unhappy for a while, and feels miserable and suffocated in the relationship. plans on moving back to the state we lived in previously in September to clear her head and figure out what she will be doing with her life. I’ll admit im at fault for a lot of the issues in our relationship mainly because of my (insecurity, jealousy) she has put up with it all these years because she loves me, but feels like shes had enough and wants to be happy, even if that means losing me. we’ve had several convos in which i did the usual begging, trying to convince her to stay, but to no avail she seems determined in her decision. we are best friends so even though some hateful words have been exchanged between us, as of now we are basically acting as though we are still a couple ( we live together) and avoiding the fact that she is indeed leaving. sometimes i feel like things are great and that she will change her mind but i know im only fooling myself. at first i asked her if i should just give up and stop fighting for her she said no, have faith if its meant to be it will be, just let me go and do what i have to do…then our last convo on this topic last week she said i no longer see a future with you, and that i should work on my issues not to screw up my next relationship. i clearly dont want anyone else, we planned so much for our futures together. before we moved to the new state she asked me to go to city hall and marry her (we are females), and honestly the only thing that held me back is this exact reason...she has a tendency to run away when **** hits the fan. after weeks of pretending to be ok, last night i broke down in front of her and she asked me whats wrong, i told her that i literally feel like my soul is dying..all she had to say is Im sorry. she said that i should have accepted the fact that shes leaving by now. i asked her how you can go from wanting to marry someone to leaving the damn state, and she said that was then this is now "its not my fault, i did not know that i would feel this way", she said that she wants to be alone, and she isnt going to change her mind about leaving. she keeps saying that instead of being miserable now we should enjoy the time we have left together. but i am so tired of faking that im alright, she is literally slipping out of my hands and there is nothing i can do about it. she also told me last night that walking away from me is the hardest thing she has ever done in her life, but right now she feels like this is what she has to do. I asked her that perhaps this feeling is temporary, and she said that maybe so but shes an "in the moment kind of person" so even if this is a mistake she will have to deal with the consequences later!! which leads me to believe that after almost 5 years together all i am is a consequence of her actions? i apologize for the rant, just need some feedback please. i feel like im losing my mind more and more day by day. for some reason my brain cant accept the fact that this is really happening, i keep hanging on to hope that she will change her mind..and when she does leave, is that it? do i try to reconnect after a period of silence?
preraph Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 Sorry you're going through a sea change. I would just advise that you don't plan on ever getting back together with her. She feels smothered. Really, there's no coming back from that. You're too jealous, and that's a serious problem that is yours to work on, not hers. It involves self-esteem, as you likely know. You need to get her out of your shared living arrangement as soon as possible because obviously, she's not miserable enough with that and you are the one suffering. She is already pretty detached to even be able to live there with you in the state you're in. Then you need to just block her and not be trying to see what she's doing and not letting her see what you're doing and you need to deal with jealousy issues and then try a new relationship with someone new. Again, sorry you're going through it. It sounds like she's made up her mind and has been pretty direct about it. Tell her she needs to go as soon as possible so you can move on. Good luck.
Author lostgirll Posted August 12, 2016 Author Posted August 12, 2016 Preraph, Thank you for the honest insight. And yes i def. know that jealousy is one of my greatest flaws, and needs to be changed. Isn't it funny how tables turn in life...she is my first same sex relationship, so when we first started dating she was the one pursuing me, always telling me her fears of me leaving her for a guy, or that she wont be enough. and now fast forward several years, and its like those feelings shes had for me never existed. I've been having a feeling lately that she has just fallen out of love with me, and is using every other excuse in the book just not to hurt me. yesterday she told me how sad she is about the whole situation, and that she cares about me very much. i told her caring for someone, and being in love with them is two separate things, and i told her perhaps she no longer wants to fight for me because those feelings are not there. and she said "maybe you are right". so i pretty much screwed myself over on that one. then she went on to say how she didn't stop loving me, but she needs change in her life. I honestly had some hope for reconciliation prior to that convo. but its clear to me that at this point she has detached herself enough from me to be able to see things clearly. and the truth is she has no plans of coming back to me ever again.
preraph Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 I'm so sorry. But I'm glad you had the talk and that she at least said she cares about you. See, this is her needing to change and move forward. It's not about you, so don't let it hurt your self-esteem or feel bad about yourself. You know, sometimes when we are in a meaningful relationship, it does change us, which isn't a bad thing but just part of life. People do sometimes just grow away from others. Now you must do what will get you to move on the fastest, and if that means asking her not to ever come around or stay in touch, then do that. Don't let her just come in and out and get your emotions stirred up and make you hopeful. It's not fair to you. You need to be able to move on and having her in and out of your life will probably put you in a miserable limbo. So make some selfish choices now to look after your own wellbeing, please.
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