Asked best friend out on a date

[surfride]

After graduating college this spring my best female friend of four years and I were still visiting each other twice a week over summer and got pretty close. I started to realized that I was interested in her beyond just friendship. I tried to fight off the feelings for the sake of our friendship, which I do put first, but my feelings got stronger over time and I felt like I needed to be honest.

 

I tried expressing my feelings in the most causal way possible because I was pretty sure that although we were starting to flirt more, she still saw me as a "brother." After spending the weekend with her I told her, "Hey, (best friend) I'd like to take you out on a date the next time we see each other. I started getting curious about us, but know that I put our friendship first.

 

She smiled and said "I need to think about it." I told her to take all the time she needed, but knew this was a passive way to say no.

 

I was hoping that our friendship wouldn't get ruined, but that's what it seems like right now. It's been a little over a week now and she hasn't gotten back to me. I'm not sure if I should give her space or reach out and text her, but then part of me feels like I'll bother her if I text her now. I want her to know that I can still be friends with her and I don't mind the rejection....

 

We hung out together Saturday when we ran into each other via mutual friends and everything seemed natural and normal. I liked it and felt like our friendship wasn't jeopardized. She didn't bring my conversation up at all (which I get because we were never alone together Saturday).

 

It's just weird that we haven't texted or called each other for a week. We haven't gone 2 days without talking to each other on the phone before and the silence makes me feel like our friendship is slipping away.

 

I'm all for giving her space and will continue to do so, but is there anything else I can do right now? Is our friendship doomed? I also don't want her to never bring up what I said....it took a lot of courage for me to bring that up and was a huge gamble and it won't make me feel good if she just flat out ignores it.

[kendahke]

It's apparent that her answer is "no" through her behavior. She's tanking your friendship over her inability to tell you the truth--that would piss me off because she's insulting your intelligence.

 

She clearly wasn't that great of a friend if she can do this to someone she calls her friend.

 

A great friendship should be able to withstand the awkwardness of saying let's not ruin our friendship by turning it into a romantic relationship.

[surfride]

Kendahke, you couldn't have said how I'm feeling any better. I don't care if she rejects me, I did this to keep our friendship honest. I believed that our 4 year friendship would have been strong enough to have an honest conversation about this without things getting awkward, but maybe I was wrong. It's insulting to just ignore it, but I can understand how it may have been selfish on my half to bring up feelings. I was thinking about staying quiet and did so for about a month but bottling things up hurt too much so I'm happy with my honesty and decision. Just sucks that every consequence I feared seems to be happening.

[Satu]

I also think she's not as much of a friend as she could be.

[phineas]

Time to go find someone else to date OP.

I wouldn't write her off just yet but would not consider her an option.

 

Unfortunately in order to get out there and date you may need to distance yourself from her in order to have a clear head when you meet other women.

 

 

one of my long time female friends came onto me, we had sex, then spent some time together alone but when i tried to date her she said it felt "weird" then she avoided me for months.

 

Whatever.

She eventually reached out and we talk and hangout in groups but not as much as before and i made it very clear to her if she starts something with me again only to push me away after I wouldn't be coming back.

[smackie9]

It doesn't matter how you all think, "she's not much of a friend". Once the cat is out of the bag it changes the dynamic of the friendship immediately whether ya like it or not. She can't help the way she feels or how she reacted to it. It feels uncomfortable to her, she can't help it. Her response is a normal human reaction.....it triggers avoidance. Oh well you can't win them all. IMO change can be a good thing...when one door closes another will open.

[SevenCity]

It's funny, when a girl has feelings for her guy friend they have sex.

 

When a guy has feelings for his girl friend she gets all emotional and ends the friendship.

 

One thing to note, women are run by emotions and guys are run by logic.

 

In your mind you used logic "I'll tell her I like her. If she doesn't reciprocate it's cool, at least I tried and can just be friends"

 

In her emotional mind "I can't beleieve he would ruin the friendship like this! I wonder how long he felt this way? Did he get a boner when he hugged me? Was he masterbating to me? Did he ruin my other relationships so he could get in my pants? I feel so dirty! I can't believe he lied to me all this time! What a creep! All guys just want one thing!"

 

Yea, it's thats difference between the way you and I work and the way women operate.

[Ami1uwant]

I would have told you don't do it.....

 

My theory ...there is a small window of opportunity got a relationship yo happen. It's usually when you first get yo know each other or if one of you is in a relationship it's when you both are available.

 

Even in the latter for it to happen it has to happen naturally without it being forced because someone brought it up like you did. When you go it and one goes to feel the same you could easily lose the friend.

 

If you thought about this a better way to do it would be if you brought it up indirectly as a passing conversation. Where you talk about general relationship stuff. Another time is if say she had a gf who says you guys should date. Then you talk in hypothetical yo see a reaction from the other person.

[phineas]

It's funny, when a girl has feelings for her guy friend they have sex.

 

When a guy has feelings for his girl friend she gets all emotional and ends the friendship.

 

One thing to note, women are run by emotions and guys are run by logic.

 

In your mind you used logic "I'll tell her I like her. If she doesn't reciprocate it's cool, at least I tried and can just be friends"

 

In her emotional mind "I can't beleieve he would ruin the friendship like this! I wonder how long he felt this way? Did he get a boner when he hugged me? Was he masterbating to me? Did he ruin my other relationships so he could get in my pants? I feel so dirty! I can't believe he lied to me all this time! What a creep! All guys just want one thing!"

 

Yea, it's thats difference between the way you and I work and the way women operate.

 

Because men are logical. Vulcan logical when it comes to being offered sex.

It is illogical to turn down sex from an attractive female friend.

 

Also, my experience, when a female friend wants more than friends and you don't sleep with her she will think she is fat and ugly and feel rejected then after that she will decide it isn't her but you and that you just aren't man enough and lose respect and then the whole thing implodes.

 

the whole thing will probably implode anyway, but hey, at least you got to have sex with her first.

[kendahke]

Kendahke, you couldn't have said how I'm feeling any better. I don't care if she rejects me, I did this to keep our friendship honest. I believed that our 4 year friendship would have been strong enough to have an honest conversation about this without things getting awkward, but maybe I was wrong. It's insulting to just ignore it, but I can understand how it may have been selfish on my half to bring up feelings. I was thinking about staying quiet and did so for about a month but bottling things up hurt too much so I'm happy with my honesty and decision. Just sucks that every consequence I feared seems to be happening.

 

I don't think it was selfish for you to express your feelings--one would think that with someone they felt was a good friend, they could do this.

 

One thing, though: she should not be rewarded for her insult by remaining "great friends". Her behavior would cause me to back all the way up off this friendship. When she asks why, I'd tell her that I thought that I deserved way better treatment than to be insulted with ghosting and now that I know how she really feels, I'm very comfortable with the decision I've made to put her on ice.

 

But that's me.

[kendahke]

Before this all went down, OP, what kinds of conversations were you two able to have? What did you two talk about?

[preraph]

It doesn't matter how you all think, "she's not much of a friend". Once the cat is out of the bag it changes the dynamic of the friendship immediately whether ya like it or not. She can't help the way she feels or how she reacted to it. It feels uncomfortable to her, she can't help it. Her response is a normal human reaction.....it triggers avoidance. Oh well you can't win them all. IMO change can be a good thing...when one door closes another will open.

 

^ This is it. This is how women usually react, although some means ones may react by laughing at you and teasing you, so just be glad she's not that woman.

 

I've been there, and first thing you have to deal with is now if I still see him, it will make him think there's hope, and there's not. On top of that, if he was 'Just a friend,' you probably let him in on some personal info that as a man who wants you, he has no business with, so now you're dealing with secrecy and betrayal. Thirdly, you lose respect because you're this many years in and you know the guy is a coward.

 

Mine was passing info back to my ex-bf and he was probably also trying to make people think he was my bf to keep others away. My guess is my ex-bf thought we had a thing when we did not and that may account for some of his resentment to this day.

 

It ruins the friendship usually. It certainly changes it. I did stay friendly acquaintances with this guy but I had to be very clear and blunt -- and most women are not up for that. I'm very strong.

 

Also, in my worse case, I knew he sort of spied on the women from afar that he had crushes on, because as a friend he would tell me how he went by where so and so worked. So I figured he did me as well. That creeped me out even before it was me, but I wanted to help him stop doing it and I also would have reported anything I felt went too far that I found out about. At one point he got Night-Vision equipment and I really panicked and talked to him about it. So I was trying to help him psychologically. All along, we'd had conversations where I would try to steer him back to reality and make him understand why his strategies didn't work with women, etc, and he did listen, so it wasn't wasted effort.

 

Once he met his wife, there was no more nonsense, at least that I'm privy to.

[surfride]

Just to update on some responses and things that have happened.

We saw each other again yesterday out with mutual friends. We remained friendly but her body language clearly told me that she needed to keep a distance from me. That's fine, I'm just keeping my composure to show that I can still be her friend.

 

I texted her later at night and told her it was nice to see her and that I hope she had a good week, I was hoping that it would show her I'm still willing to be friends with her. But she ignored it....so yeah I think I lost the friendship :/

 

About how close her and I were.... we were able to talk about anything with each other and would sometimes spend days just talking to each other about random things for hours on end. We openly communicate and have had our fights before but always get them resolved. It's odd to feel the communication die out, and I can only do so much to help her without intruding her space.

 

One more thing I forgot to mention I guess is that she's leaving the country to travel for a couple of months, so perhaps it wasn't the best time to bring up a date. BUT I felt like it was a good time in case she just wanted to be friends because we'd get some space away from each other to resume the friendship normally.

 

She leaves Sunday, I don't want to push her into having a talk though. What should I do?

[Mystique01]

Just to update on some responses and things that have happened.

We saw each other again yesterday out with mutual friends. We remained friendly but her body language clearly told me that she needed to keep a distance from me. That's fine, I'm just keeping my composure to show that I can still be her friend.

 

I texted her later at night and told her it was nice to see her and that I hope she had a good week, I was hoping that it would show her I'm still willing to be friends with her. But she ignored it....so yeah I think I lost the friendship :/

 

About how close her and I were.... we were able to talk about anything with each other and would sometimes spend days just talking to each other about random things for hours on end. We openly communicate and have had our fights before but always get them resolved. It's odd to feel the communication die out, and I can only do so much to help her without intruding her space.

 

One more thing I forgot to mention I guess is that she's leaving the country to travel for a couple of months, so perhaps it wasn't the best time to bring up a date. BUT I felt like it was a good time in case she just wanted to be friends because we'd get some space away from each other to resume the friendship normally.

 

She leaves Sunday, I don't want to push her into having a talk though. What should I do?

 

FIrst of all OP...... Kudos to you for telling your friend how you felt about her, and seeing something you wanted and going after it! That takes a lot of guts.

 

 

IMO....you're already doing what's good for this particular situation. For whatever reason, she is not interested in you in that way. Big deal. One thing that this tells you is that you two were probably not meant for each other in a romantic sense. You deserve someone who is into you like you're into them right??

 

 

If I were you, I wouldn't press the issue further or even do anything about it honestly. Just continue treating her like a friend! You've already been doing that and you haven't gotten all "weird" or asked her about your conversation, so that's GOOD.

 

As a woman, it can be a little overwhelming if a guy has confessed his feelings and we don't feel the same way about him. We feel horrible hurting his feelings...especially if he's a good friend. So, I would just give her SPACE right now. Sometimes, just the fact that the guy isn't pressuring us to make a decision makes him seem much more attractive. IF you continue to just live your life normally and act NORMALLY and happy around her (if you do see her), she will be much more relaxed and may eventually stop avoiding you.

 

If she leaves on Sunday, and you feel up to it, all I would do is just wish her a nice trip and leave it at that. Just a one-sentence text honestly. Brief, short, to the point. "Hope you have a nice trip!" I mean, after all....you two were friends before your feelings developed. So, just treat her as a friend.

 

I think the 2-month trip overseas will be good for her AND for you to move on and find another girl to get to know. This couldn't be the best situation. Who knows, maybe when she comes back in 2 months and sees you, she will have a different outlook of you.

 

I would NOT contact her while she's overseas. Let her contact YOU.

 

 

 

I would have told you don't do it.....

 

My theory ...there is a small window of opportunity got a relationship yo happen. It's usually when you first get yo know each other or if one of you is in a relationship it's when you both are available.

 

Even in the latter for it to happen it has to happen naturally without it being forced because someone brought it up like you did. When you go it and one goes to feel the same you could easily lose the friend.

 

If you thought about this a better way to do it would be if you brought it up indirectly as a passing conversation. Where you talk about general relationship stuff. Another time is if say she had a gf who says you guys should date. Then you talk in hypothetical yo see a reaction from the other person.

 

You know, I've often suspected this as well. Why is this?? Why does it happen this way??

 

And how do you explain all of those couples who got together who were friends for YEARS before getting married?? How do you explain those instances??

[surfride]

Wow Mystique, your response put a smile on my face. I feel really comforted. Your response reinforces my hope that I'm staying composed and can keep my friendship. You're right that the space will be great for BOTH of us. I'll make sure to text her "Hope you have a good trip!" if she doesn't reach out to me and then leave her be. Thank you for the advice!

[dispatch3d]

I would do nothing and see how things pan out when she gets back. I'm not surprised she didn't agree to dating, you tend to either get on one path or the other with girls early on and its hard to switch gears for whatever reason.

 

If I were you I would just see her once in a while at social gatherings. Being that close to a girl that doesn't like you back isn't healthy and interferes with actual dating.

[Mystique01]

Wow Mystique, your response put a smile on my face. I feel really comforted. Your response reinforces my hope that I'm staying composed and can keep my friendship. You're right that the space will be great for BOTH of us. I'll make sure to text her "Hope you have a good trip!" if she doesn't reach out to me and then leave her be. Thank you for the advice!

 

Awww Yea sure, no problem! I wish you the best, whatever happens.

 

I think friendships like these can be salvaged, but both parties have to be on the same page and accept the reality (whatever that may be).

 

I think the 2-month break will be good honestly, and who knows...maybe you would have already moved on by the time she gets back into town lol

 

But imo things don't have to be "weird" forever. Sometimes I think people can make things to be much more dire than it really is in these situations. Just realize that if she isn't interested in you in a romantic way, she at least opened the door to help you find someone who you have MUTUAL feelings for. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, but more so that you two probably weren't the best match. But you will find the right one for you. Someone who reciprocates your feelings.

 

In fact, who knows....if she does turn you down romantically, eventually maybe she could end up being your wing-woman lol. She probably has some cool girl friends she could introduce you to. This doesn't have to be a lose-lose situation in other words haha.