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He beat me to the punch...

Vixi

By Vixi
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Vixi Member

Vixi

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I think the worst part about getting dumped, is getting dumped when you know you wanted to end the relationship a while ago and were too afraid to act on it.

I have always been extremely conflict avoidant and I guess I should have contacted him first but I left all of the power in his hands.

 

We have only been dating for 4 months, but somehow that was long enough to make this whole thing feel terrible. We have already had a couple of arguments over stupid things. He forgot about my birthday and made other plans once and that sort of led me to shut down. I basically needed about 2-3 days of space. The most recent issue was during a discussion about which celeb's we each find attractive. He mentioned one and I was like "Okay enough about her, I'm already pretty envious of her". (I have jealousy issues) and he was like "you totally SHOULD be jealous". I didn't want to bite his head, so instead I outlined the reasons that what he said hurt my feelings (In a respectful way, I have been in therapy for years) and asked him to take me home.

 

Then I took another couple of days of space...and he hits me up to break up with me. He said that we are not compatible "emotionally"...I don't know a single woman who wouldn't be upset by that comment. I agree that maybe my lack of contact was a bit extreme...but he didn't even apologize!! He kept telling me to "get over it, I'm just being honest"...and didn't contact me in between at all. He only apologized for his behavior when he was breaking up with me.

 

So not only did he beat me to the punch, he also made it seem as though he had pity on me by trying to soften the blow.

 

Writing this out was totally cathartic. He's such an arrogant douchebag. I can recall a moment where he jokingly emphasized how much 'better' than everyone else he was, including me. :/

JewelD Established Member

JewelD

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Whether you did the dumping or he did, the end result is what you wanted. You no longer have to deal with him anymore. Be happy. Don't worry about what he thinks.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Don't worry about him beating you to the punch.....you wanted to break up too so the weight was taken off you. Just count this as a blessing in disguise.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Is this the same guy you've been trying to break up with since January?

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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Take some time away from dating/relationships and work on these jealousy issues you mentioned. He sounds like a jerk, but baseless jealousy is a total relationship non-starter for well-adjusted people.

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Vixi Member

Vixi

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I just felt that what he said was disrespectful. And I needed time away to process it so that I didn't get even more upset. It's a tactic I learned in therapy to give my emotions some time to settle. It wasn't what he said exactly, it was the fact that he was trying to compare me to a celebrity and how I fail in comparison. I was just very hurt.

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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So he was making you sit there and listen to him talk about the celebrities he finds attractive? You didn't tell him which celebrities you find attractive?

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Vixi Member

Vixi

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I did, but I definitely didn't tell him he should be jealous of other men, or compare him in any way.

 

I think what pisses me off the most is that I ask him to stop because I knew it would upset me if he continued...and he continued.

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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I did, but I definitely didn't tell him he should be jealous of other men, or compare him in any way.

 

I think what pisses me off the most is that I ask him to stop because I knew it would upset me if he continued...and he continued.

 

He did not handle it well, but as an insecure/jealous person, you shouldn't be having those types of conversations in the first place.

 

Is this the same guy you were breaking up with earlier this year? If not, do you not see the parallels between the two guys? Again, I submit that you need to take a break from dating/relationships and get yourself straight. There's something in you in that's permitting you to pick the same type of guy.

aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

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Who cares who dumped who? The important thing is that it's over and you're not having to deal w/that drama anymore.

 

I will say, it sounds like you should focus on your self improvement before trying again. You're identified that you have some issues that contributed to the failure of that relationship and will continue to hamper you until you address them.

 

Everyone has their short comings in relationships. We are all guilty. The challenge is finding someone is doesn't bring them out in us and then we, ourselves investing in putting them behind once and for all.

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Vixi Member

Vixi

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It's not the same guy I was seeing earlier. But yeah, I do see the parallels in terms of them both pushing my buttons and denting my self esteem, not being validating etc.

sooshi Established Member

sooshi

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Be glad he won't be around to be a damaging presence in your life any further.

 

Now is the time to work on being compassionate with yourself, kind to yourself, and gentle to yourself. In turn, you will more likely attract a partner who is compassionate, kind, and gentle with you and with himself.

 

Take care.

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heartfeltlove Established Member

heartfeltlove

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It's not the same guy I was seeing earlier. But yeah, I do see the parallels in terms of them both pushing my buttons and denting my self esteem, not being validating etc.

 

I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Engaging in discussions where you know comparisons will be made, is self-defeating. Believing him when he says "Yes, you SHOULD be jealous!" is masochistic to the extreme, and damaging to your psyche. I'm not saying you DID believe him, but obviously part of you must have, or you would not have requested a halt to proceedings.

Permitting others access to your Conscious AND Subconscious is downplaying and undermining your own defences. Don't let people venture where they do not deserve to tread.

He did not deserve you. The loss is his, not yours, because he is insensitive and callous, and delights in his ability to hurt. That's really not the kind of guy anyone would be proud to call their BF, right?

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Then I took another couple of days of space...and he hits me up to break up with me. He said that we are not compatible "emotionally"...I don't know a single woman who wouldn't be upset by that comment.

 

Why are you upset about the truth? The two of you clearly weren't compatible emotionally.....hence you wanting to end it with him already.

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Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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I think the worst part about getting dumped, is getting dumped when you know you wanted to end the relationship a while ago and were too afraid to act on it.

I have always been extremely conflict avoidant and I guess I should have contacted him first but I left all of the power in his hands.

 

:/

 

I actually quite like being dumped when I have been wanting to end it as it takes it all away from me and I can just skip off to sob in a corner for five minutes then get up and get on with life.

 

I am not conflict avoidant but I do not like hurting people. When they do it instead of me I feel like "Yes! We are on the same page!"

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NopeNah Established Member

NopeNah

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I actually quite like being dumped when I have been wanting to end it as it takes it all away from me and I can just skip off to sob in a corner for five minutes then get up and get on with life.

 

I am not conflict avoidant but I do not like hurting people. When they do it instead of me I feel like "Yes! We are on the same page!"

 

Agreed! I just went through this. It was obvious we were both unhappy, then after returning from a weekend trip she asked "Are you happy?"...I thought it through for roughly 3 seconds before "NO,I am not" came out of my mouth.

She then went on a 10 minute tirade of what a POS I am, while I collected my belongings,then left. That was two weeks ago and I've been happy lately. :cool:

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Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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Agreed! I just went through this. It was obvious we were both unhappy, then after returning from a weekend trip she asked "Are you happy?"...I thought it through for roughly 3 seconds before "NO,I am not" came out of my mouth.

She then went on a 10 minute tirade of what a POS I am, while I collected my belongings,then left. That was two weeks ago and I've been happy lately. :cool:

 

Funny that!

 

I am brewing for one of those at the moment... One of us is going to have to do it. Problem is we both like each other. I think when it happens we will be heaving a sigh of relief...

NopeNah Established Member

NopeNah

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Funny that!

 

I am brewing for one of those at the moment... One of us is going to have to do it. Problem is we both like each other. I think when it happens we will be heaving a sigh of relief...

My ex had gained a significant amount of weight over the past 4months(not the deal breaker,but didn't help). She was constantly,EVERYDAY, wanting to go to the bar to drink and gamble(HUGE problem!),but the final straw was her constant bad mood swings and just general nastyness towards anything I wanted to do outside of her little bar bubble.. She became a leech on me, not financially, but mentally. It got to where my stomach would turn when my phone would ring.."Are you happy?" was NOT the question to ask me that day! :laugh:
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Vixi Member

Vixi

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Funny that!

 

I am brewing for one of those at the moment... One of us is going to have to do it. Problem is we both like each other. I think when it happens we will be heaving a sigh of relief...

 

Yes that's especially difficult...we both liked each other too. But I am learning that I need to start trusting my instinct more often and not leave it to the other person to makes the decisions for me.

 

That's one of the toughest things to digest about the whole thing. I wasn't necessarily 'happy' either, but I wasn't able to end it. For the same reason you listed- I just didn't feel like it because I don't ever want to hurt anyone. But also, I was kind of leaving the door open for him a little bit...

 

Regardless, this still sucks. :(

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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You just aren't comfortable being single, that's all.

NopeNah Established Member

NopeNah

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You just aren't comfortable being single, that's all.

That's my ex's problem.. She could never be alone/single. I was her life and I hated it! She now has a family member moving in with her for a few months starting this week,so knowing she wouldn't be alone the petty nonsense started showing. I'm glad I bounced out when given the chance..No "when are you coming over,but I thought you said,ect" calls/texts..Now she has some other distraction to hangout with..and I'm free to do whatever I want! :laugh:

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

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You just aren't comfortable being single, that's all.

 

I actually quite like it.

 

I like the freedom of it. The independence. I know my relationship is coming to an end. It may sound weird but I am looking forward to it. I am looking forward to being able to do what I want when I want. I plan to be single for a while before I start dating again. Because I like it! My dogs do too because we go off all over the place and there is never a dull day. I have to make time for someone else at times that is not always convenient to me when I am in a relationship... the trials and tribulations of compromise eh...

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