Just found out

[Lowrider93]

Oak, it sounds like she wants to get all her ducks in a row.

If she is going to a councillor(which I doubt) she would be looking for someone to tell her it's ok to leave you. She won't tell you the truth, she's screwing up the marriage and will likely sweep all her misdeeds under the rug.

 

How do you really know that the OM lives that far away,not that it matters!

 

Her objective is to keep you in the dark as long as possible then strike when she's ready, beat her to the punch, don't get taken for a ride!

 

Don't wait for her move, take back control of your life!.

 

Peace

[S2B]

She is willing to give you anything and get out of the house because that's how badly she wants the affair!

 

Move money today. You need that court order showing she pays a certain amount each month because once she moves she's going to spend all her money on her new place and her OM.

 

Get busy with the court papers! Protect yourself! She lies! You can't take her word for $hit - get a judge to stamp that court order so you know what money you can count on.

[KBarletta]

I agree with many of the posters above that the affair has gotten physical. I think that is the only explanation for her behavior upon returning from her business trip.

 

It is good that she is moving out, both for your sanity and because in some cases, legally, it puts you in a good place regarding the house.

 

You say you are talking to a lawyer, that is also good. Given that she is refusing marriage counseling, I would get the ball rolling on divorce papers as soon as possible. I would recommend seeking custody of your children, as well as the maximum amount of child support and spousal support you can get out of her, as she is the sole breadwinner. You have to, unfortunately, approach this with the best interests of yourself and your children at heart, and that means putting aside your feelings for her and trying to get the most favorable terms you can possibly get financially and custody-wise.

 

Remember - Just filing paperwork DOES NOT mean you have to follow through IF things get better and a door opens for reconciliation later on. But it does mean that you will be in control of the process and your wife will be confronted directly with the reality of what she has done and what the consequences are.

 

I wish you luck. Once she is out of the house and you've put the paperwork in motion, I think the future could become clearer if only because you won't have to be confronted face to face with her affair constantly.

[PegNosePete]

She is willing to give you anything and get out of the house because that's how badly she wants the affair!

Also, she says she's willing to give you anything, because she thinks you're a pushover and knows you won't take it! Prove her wrong!

[S2B]

If she was concerned about the kids she wouldn't have started an affair.

 

She is ONLY concerned about herself.

 

 

The "new" things you learned about her now is because she's not the woman you thought she was - she's the cheater now and will follow what cheaters do = screw over everyone they loved to get at that new person.

[Mr. Lucky]

She says there has been nothing physical between them. I think I believe her, but I don't know. He lives 3 or 4 hours from here and I'm pretty sure they haven't met up anywhere in the last couple of weeks since this started.

 

About 2 weeks ago my wife returned from a work trip and was not her normal self.

 

Start putting 2+2 together...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

In those court papers don't forget to request half of her retirement account and request life insurance be taken out on her and put into your name as beneficiary in case she dies.

[oak1120]

Well, the first lawyer isn't going to work out so I am trying to find another one. I talked briefly with a lawyers office yesterday and hope to hear back today. I am just really tired right now and my emotions are all over the place. Mainly I am either feeling anger or hopeless. At least I think I am getting over the idea that we could ever make it work again. I know she is a cheater and she told me she cheated on ex boyfriends before she met me so I can' t believe she will ever stop. She is a serial cheater who just likes to destroy peoples lives. It's amazing we made it this far.

 

Currently, she is downstairs with our 2 year old getting ready for work and I just want her to leave. When she is in the house my body just doesn't feel right. Its hard to explain, but I just feel really tense, my head isn't right and my stomach is in knots. I haven't said anything to her, but I am going to have to talk to her briefly before she goes to work about her taking our son to school one day next week. I really don't want to talk to her.

 

She had to "work" late last night (at least that's what she said). The boys and I were in bed sleeping when she came home, but as soon as she entered the house I woke up and couldn't really sleep the rest of the night. It's weird, I was sleeping so well because I was so tired but as soon as she got home I woke up.

 

I'm really getting worried that she is playing me and not being truthful about giving me everything she says she will in divorce. She says she doesn't want a battle, but her parents have a lot of money and could hire the best attorney in town if they want. I will not have that option and feel like I could be in trouble if her parents get involved. She says she doesn't want them involved, but I don't really believe she will keep them out of it.

 

Well, I guess I need to go ask her about taking my son to school. I'm really dreading it, but it must be done. Thanks for letting me talk this morning. It really helps to post here and get so much encouragement from everyone.

[PegNosePete]

Yeah most of what you mention is pretty much par for the course I'm afraid. It may get a bit better if she moves out but this is a long and bumpy road.

 

Well, the first lawyer isn't going to work out so I am trying to find another one.

Luckily most lawyers do a free initial consultation so you can see as many as you like. The more you see, the better. Not only do you increase your knowledge with each visit, and are more likely to find one you like, but also the below...

 

her parents have a lot of money and could hire the best attorney in town if they want.

Then go to the best attorney in town and get a free initial consultation. Seriously even if they charge $10k an hour, book your free half hour with them. It doesn't really matter what they say: if they've seen you even for a free half hour, then due to conflict of interest laws, they can't represent your wife. Go around all the "best lawyers in town" having a free half hour, and your wife will have to pick and choose from the same bunch that you do.

 

Playing dirty? Maybe. But you need to level the playing field here.

 

I'm really getting worried that she is playing me and not being truthful about giving me everything she says she will in divorce.

Yes, it's not uncommon to say that at first but when push comes to shove, to change their mind and get the best possible outcome for themselves. This is why it's important to strike while the iron is hot.

Edited August 12, 2016 by PegNosePete

[The_Onceler]

Currently, she is downstairs with our 2 year old getting ready for work and I just want her to leave. When she is in the house my body just doesn't feel right. Its hard to explain, but I just feel really tense, my head isn't right and my stomach is in knots. I haven't said anything to her, but I am going to have to talk to her briefly before she goes to work about her taking our son to school one day next week. I really don't want to talk to her.

 

She had to "work" late last night (at least that's what she said). The boys and I were in bed sleeping when she came home, but as soon as she entered the house I woke up and couldn't really sleep the rest of the night. It's weird, I was sleeping so well because I was so tired but as soon as she got home I woke up.

 

I totally empathize with you. My ex announced that she was leaving about 10 weeks ago, and I discovered her affair with her college boyfriend shortly after. We agreed that, for a number of reasons, she could continue to stay in the house (my house now - I bought her out) until she found a job and a place to live.

 

She will hopefully be moving out in about 4 more weeks.

 

My experience has been much like yours. I am uncomfortable, and not at all myself, when we are both home. I found that I don't like coming home, which hurts, because that is where my girls are.

 

I have been sleeping poorly, for the same reasons as you. I have taken to relying on NyQuil, of all things. I wonder if I will be OK without it once she is gone, and if I am damaging my liver in the process? Perhaps I should just take up drinking!

 

Our situations are quite different in many ways, but one thing at least seems similar: we will both be better off once we have physical separation from our spouses.

 

Until then, hang in there!

[BluesPower]

OAK,

 

 

Man you have got to hang tough with this. I know is sucks so much but you have to hang.

 

 

Yes, she was out screwing last night probably, but who really cares?

 

 

What was wrong with the lawyer that you saw, can you comment on that?

[Jeff1690]

Right now I need to quit looking at phone records. I have to accept that she is going to keep texting him and not keep looking up the records several times a day. All it does is depress me and I need to stay positive for myself and the kids.

 

First off Oak, I did this. It was the beginning of a lot of deceit on my wife's part about money and what she was actually doing. Go back as far as you can go on the records and print them off. Go over the bank records and credit card statements. Heck I just recently found where she had taken a quick trip to florida, hotel for two nights, and receipts for dinner for two.

 

When confronted about the phone records, and the trip I got nothing. She is living by the motto "Deny everything, demand proof, and when proof is given still deny."

 

These folks are right get aggressive. My wife offered me the house, then when I said I couldn't afford it, she offered to make the payments. Now we are refi'ing and she is buying me out. I am sure she planned on just taking off free and clear to enjoy her new life. Also got super pissed and actually called me when she found out I had a lawyer.

 

We are doing the uncontested route in divorce. Now she will have to maintain the house, her apartment down south, and our sons have moved back home. Not what she wanted I am sure.

 

Also print those records off. I know you don't have proof of a PA but dude she has to be in one. I don't have one about my either. But cutting me off from communication, intimacy, and sex for a year...right she isn't doing anything.

 

Start walking in on her when she is getting naked if she covers herself and she didn't used to, that is a sign. Does she turn her head when you try to kiss you? Does she pull away when you try to hold her hand or hug her? It wasn't till I came here and started reading until I realized what these signs were.

 

Read about mid life crisis for women. Look it up. My wife checked all the boxes. Like you my wife is more successful than I am. Didn't used to be that way but it is now. She makes comments about paying for everything, actually what she is doing is demeaning me. She looks down on me and probably thinks the other man is more of a man. I am an Alpha male. Always have been but the wife has lost respect for me.

[oak1120]

OAK,

 

 

Man you have got to hang tough with this. I know is sucks so much but you have to hang.

 

 

Yes, she was out screwing last night probably, but who really cares?

 

 

What was wrong with the lawyer that you saw, can you comment on that?

 

I just didn't really like the lawyer. I didn't think he was engaged in my issue. I am doing some research now to try to find a new one.

[oak1120]

Right now I need to quit looking at phone records. I have to accept that she is going to keep texting him and not keep looking up the records several times a day. All it does is depress me and I need to stay positive for myself and the kids.

 

First off Oak, I did this. It was the beginning of a lot of deceit on my wife's part about money and what she was actually doing. Go back as far as you can go on the records and print them off. Go over the bank records and credit card statements. Heck I just recently found where she had taken a quick trip to florida, hotel for two nights, and receipts for dinner for two.

 

When confronted about the phone records, and the trip I got nothing. She is living by the motto "Deny everything, demand proof, and when proof is given still deny."

 

These folks are right get aggressive. My wife offered me the house, then when I said I couldn't afford it, she offered to make the payments. Now we are refi'ing and she is buying me out. I am sure she planned on just taking off free and clear to enjoy her new life. Also got super pissed and actually called me when she found out I had a lawyer.

 

We are doing the uncontested route in divorce. Now she will have to maintain the house, her apartment down south, and our sons have moved back home. Not what she wanted I am sure.

 

Also print those records off. I know you don't have proof of a PA but dude she has to be in one. I don't have one about my either. But cutting me off from communication, intimacy, and sex for a year...right she isn't doing anything.

 

Start walking in on her when she is getting naked if she covers herself and she didn't used to, that is a sign. Does she turn her head when you try to kiss you? Does she pull away when you try to hold her hand or hug her? It wasn't till I came here and started reading until I realized what these signs were.

 

Read about mid life crisis for women. Look it up. My wife checked all the boxes. Like you my wife is more successful than I am. Didn't used to be that way but it is now. She makes comments about paying for everything, actually what she is doing is demeaning me. She looks down on me and probably thinks the other man is more of a man. I am an Alpha male. Always have been but the wife has lost respect for me.

 

Thanks for the info Jeff. I've read your story and I feel for you. So many of us are in the same boat. It's amazing how so many of our stories are so similar. Whenever I read a new story from someone it's like I'm reliving my story all over again.

 

Unfortunately, she is the primary account with our phone and she just changed the password yesterday so I can't view her records anymore. I can only view mine. I did get a chance to download and print the records before she changed the password though. I've went through them and the first time his number pops up is 7/31, which is a couple days after she got back from her trip. Then his number shows up about 150 times a day after that. In a way I'm happy she changed the password because I was getting addicted to checking her phone records and of course what I found made me feel awful. I've now just accepted that she is going to be in contact with him and there is nothing I can do about it.

[oak1120]

My talk with my wife went fine this morning. The talk started out really tense like they all do, but it turned out ok. We mainly talked about our 6 year old and how he knows something is going on. We also talked about her finding a place and she told me she was searching yesterday and was going to try to run by a couple more apartments today. I think once she leaves the tension I feel will be so much better. Everytime I hear her phone beep I think it's the other guy and its drives me crazy. I've been trying to act cool like I don't even notice but it kills me up inside.

[S2B]

I can't see any good reason to keep "talking to her" about any of it - she's gonna do whatever she wants.

 

The sooner you act like you don't care - the better you will start to feel.

 

 

She doesn't intend to be your wife anymore. Let the courts decide what happens.

 

And tell her just that. Or only respond with "HMMMM".

[Jeff1690]

Oak what is your status

[oak1120]

Oak what is your status

 

Thanks for thinking of me Jeff. I've just been trying to stay busy this week. I've also been concentrating on me and getting my head in the right place. I find if I stay busy all day I can go to sleep easily at night, but then I wake up about 4 or 5 hours later and struggle the rest of the night. There is still some tension in the house, but it's not as bad as it was.

 

I think my mind is in a good place right now. I've been reading about taking care of myself. I went to the gym this week and worked out and I've spent some quality time with my kids. I've also played my guitars a little, which is something I haven't been doing much lately. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and stay in a good mood, especially when the wife is around. I know some things I need to work on for the future and I've started to address them. Also, I'm going to see a therapist next week.

 

My wife decided she wasn't going to move out. I guess she talked to a lawyer and was advised against it. The lawyer said she would lose any leverage if she moved out. So for now we are still here together under the same roof but in different beds. She usually doesn't get home from work until after 7:00 and by that time I leave her with the kids and the downstairs and I usually go up to the office or my bedroom and read or watch tv. I probably see her less than an hour a day. We did have some problems with our 6 year old at school which we worked together to solve. It kind of made me sad because we are a great team with our kids. We each handle them differently, but I think that's what makes it work.

 

The weekend should be interesting since we will be around each other more. Last weekend was fine and I've got plans tomorrow so hopefully this weekend will go smooth as well.

[anna hall]

Hi Oak1120,

We all know/have known this horrible pain you are going through. My 60 year old husband of 25 years fell in love with a 20 year old. Just consider some of these possibilities. It could be a desperate mid-life crisis (feeling old) He lost some close relatives (from age) and found out his only son was gay (no grandkids). This is no excuse of course. This is what I did. Research, yes, look at cause and statistics. Manipulated the situation to give me the best possible advantage. One of them was continuing to share a bed (if sex,use condoms) and NOT LEAVING the family home. Showing how much I still loved him (Hug), but showing how much pain I was in. NOT criticizing the other party. (Don't make her defend him.) Pretend you you want to stay together till you know if you do.

Mention the split, (not angrily) but so it becomes real to her. Possibly find out who and if he is married too? Can you subtly let his wife know what's is going on. These and other strategies worked for me (Some a bit crazy, like sending her a pic of him naked so she knew he was cheating on her too) but ultimately it will depend on her/ and you. People do get through it. Having said that I still watch and check (a little bit)and I told him I would never go through it again.

 

2 things I kept in mind."Be a Healer, not a destroyer". & "Don't get too far ahead, wait and see." Put it on a post it- let her see it. Remember you will be miserable with her and without her, but you would still have her.

 

Please make plans, two plans, one with her and one without. I hope some of this helps. Time really does lessen the pain.

[oak1120]

Anna, thanks for the words. I feel like I am making 2 plans. I am trying to be ready for anything my wife or life throws at me.

 

We've been in a good place since last Friday night when we had a good talk and she actually started talking about the future without a definite divorce. I am not getting my hopes up though. I am just trying to take care of myself and the kids.

 

I don't know if she is still in contact with the guy because I can't view who she is texting anymore but I do know her total number of texts has dropped significantly (she went from averaging about 230 texts a day when I know she was talking to him down to about 115 last week).Without actually seeing the texts I don't know who she is texting though.

 

I guess even if we try to work things out I don't know if I can ever trust her after all this. Every time she travels for work I will be wondering what she is doing. It would be a tough way to live life and something I would really have to think about if it ever comes up.

[BluesPower]

Oak, you can't and you never will be able to. She is still seeing this guy and don't think for a minute that she is not.

 

If you don't believe it just ask for the password to her phone.

 

Oak, you have to get out of this marriage or you will go completely insane. I am sorry to keep saying this but is and has be over for a long time.

 

I realize that you want to believe other things, but it is not reality.

 

The depth of the disrespect that your wife has for you is off the charts. Her betrayal is one of the worst on LS probably top 5.

 

You have got to wake of and go through with the divorce and get some therapy so you can become a complete and healthy person again.

 

Please try to understand...

[PegNosePete]

She probably knows you're monitoring her phone messages (or at least the number of messages), and got a burner phone.

 

If you ask for the password to her phone or ask to see it then she will happily show it to you with a smile. But of course she won't show you the burner that's hidden in the spare wheel compartment of her car.

[BuddyX]

Why are you trying to talk your way back into a marriage? If anything, action over words.

 

She is lying through her teeth. You were always a push over, and she's continuing with her aggressive behavior. Time to man up. Why? Because while she's telling you all this crap she's texting the OM about banging his brains out. Trust me on that.

 

Do you want to be affiliated with this kind of a person?

[S2B]

Why aren't you able to see her texts anymore? If she hiding anything = she's still making plans with the OM.

 

She's there because she has to be- so start making her uncomfortable! No one EVER changes a thing while they are comfortable!

 

Either she's all in or she isn't - and if she isn't then YOU need to have a plan to protect yourself and your assets.

 

Get moving - she's way ahead of you, I guarantee it.