kailah Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 How do you go about returning things to an ex when it was a very messy break up? I have some things of his that I know he will want back. Some things I accidentally took because they were mixed with my clothes, my boxes of stuff or in my car. Some of it is important to him and his family and I know he would want it back. We have been NC for a month and a bit I think. I saw him recently while I was out with another guy, the guy I cheated on him with. It was awkward and hard for everyone. I have been missing him a lot more since then and having a really hard time with it. I constantly feel like I want him back, since seeing him. I want to get this stuff out of here because I don't want to keep looking at it. I don't know how to go about getting it out, though. It needs to be returned to him. Do I try and find someone else to return it? Is it something that I should be doing?
PegNosePete Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 Business like. "I have some of your stuff. When is a convenient time to drop it over?" Does he also have some stuff of yours? "Can you also have my X, Y and Z ready to return to me please?" Don't go in for a chat, a coffee or whatever. Just exchange boxes over the threshold and be on your way. 3
Author kailah Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 Business like. "I have some of your stuff. When is a convenient time to drop it over?" Does he also have some stuff of yours? "Can you also have my X, Y and Z ready to return to me please?" Don't go in for a chat, a coffee or whatever. Just exchange boxes over the threshold and be on your way. We lived together so we had a lot of shared things and large things that were mine or his. Last time I talked to him he said to give him a list of what's mine and what is his so we can divide it up (furniture, tv's, movies, kitchen stuff, etc). If we do a full division of things it won't be as simple.
stillafool Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 I think since you cheated on him and are with the guy you cheated with you should not interface with your ex. He more than likely doesn't want to see you. Do you have a mutual friend, his best friend, your best friend who can handle the exchange of these items? Definitely leave this guy alone and it's too bad that you now miss him but keep moving on with the new guy and let your ex find someone who values him. 5
aloneinaz Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 I think since you cheated on him and are with the guy you cheated with you should not interface with your ex. He more than likely doesn't want to see you. Do you have a mutual friend, his best friend, your best friend who can handle the exchange of these items? Definitely leave this guy alone and it's too bad that you now miss him but keep moving on with the new guy and let your ex find someone who values him. This^^ Don't use giving his stuff back or collecting your stuff as an excuse to communicate w/him. Leave him alone. If you want his stuff out, then reach out to his friend or family member only. Ask them if they would mind picking his stuff up or you dropping it off to them to facilitate it being returned to him. Then, close this chapter of your life. Let him heal and move on. You had your chance w/him and chose to cheat on him which in itself indicates you were not that in love w/him in the first place. It happens. Learn from the experience and keep that failed relationship in the rear view mirror.
dpass Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 I saw him recently while I was out with another guy, the guy I cheated on him with. It was awkward and hard for everyone. I have been missing him a lot more since then and having a really hard time with it. I constantly feel like I want him back, since seeing him. You are missing him now because you realize that he is moving on - without you. You are moving on with someone else, the man you cheated with AND got knocked up by. You have been fighting for him (new guy, baby daddy) for months. Maybe now you finally have him, let your ex go. You cannot keep flip flopping. Do not give your ex ANY hope that you still love him or want him. Let him move on. In regards to the stuff. Make up a plan first. Figure out what is yours and what is his. Send him the list and ask if he agrees. Then go in and separate things very business like. No conversations, just in and out. 1
stillafool Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 . I constantly feel like I want him back, since seeing him. This is an extremely selfish attitude after finding out you got pregnant by your now bf and wanted to be with him. You made your choice now stick with it. 2
BC1980 Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 I would mail it back if it's not too big. Otherwise, can you drop it off at his house when he's not there? Given the circumstances, I definitely wouldn't recommend any interaction with him.
preraph Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 Put them in a box and mail them. You can also wait until you know they're not home and leave the box on their porch or wherever, but that might be creepy if it was a bad breakup.
Blanco Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 This isn't about his stuff. This is about missing him. Leave him alone. 6
Author kailah Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 I would mail the stuff but we still have to go through the bigger things that we had together. I think making a list of what was mine and what was his is a good idea. Thinking about it, we never split on anything. I may have my brother do it for me. I don't want to fight with him. I also don't want to keep bringing back feelings by seeing him. It seems immature to do it that way, but maybe it is for the best. This is an extremely selfish attitude after finding out you got pregnant by your now bf and wanted to be with him. You made your choice now stick with it. This isn't about his stuff. This is about missing him. Leave him alone. I never said I was going to do anything about me missing him.
PegNosePete Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 we still have to go through the bigger things that we had together. No, you don't. How much are these things worth? I don't mean "what did they cost to buy", I mean what is their current value now, ie. what would it cost to buy similar items 2nd hand on ebay? Just the items you bought, and 50% of the items bought jointly, that is. And only include the items that you can prove that you bought or paid 50% for (ie. have receipts). Chances are, the figure you come up with is not very much, and chances are your ex would contest the items or the price as well, so he'd come up with an even lower figure. And then, what makes you think he would happily hand the items back or the money for them? If you want to get these back you may need to take court action. Is it worth the hassle, time and legal expense, for the figure you produced? No, I think it's best to just write them off.
elaine567 Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 I would mail the stuff but we still have to go through the bigger things that we had together. I think making a list of what was mine and what was his is a good idea. Thinking about it, we never split on anything. I may have my brother do it for me. Yes, get your brother to act as the go between. He can also find out if your ex wants any of the bigger stuff, he may not. Some just want to walk away. I guess he took the stuff that was really important to him when he left. Find out what he wants to do first before you start compiling huge lists.
Toodaloo Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 Why don't you just box up his things that you know he will want, hand them over and be done with it. You were horrible to him by cheating on him. Time for you both to have fresh starts. So you may lose a sofa. In the long run do you really want to be snuggled up on a sofa that you were snuggled up on with your ex not so long ago? Do you really want to sleep in a bed you were having sex with your ex in not so long ago. Just box up the things you can carry and get on with it. Its the only dignified way to go about it. 1
Bialy Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 Just box them up and drop them off at his doorstep when he's at work.
DramaInPajamas Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 Hes told you what to do...send him a list. Make a list of his large items and get him to arrange someone to collect them.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 My long-term ex and I lived together, for several years. It was not an amicable break-up; he was unfaithful. However, we still managed to divvy everything up without actually seeing each other. He came by our shared apartment when I wasn't home (I stayed on there for several months following the split, but both our names were still on the lease) He took what he needed, I told him what I needed. We decided who would keep which larger-ticket items. All without actually laying eyes on each other. Quite frankly, I didn't want to see him again. That was now 4 years ago and I haven't seen him since. This can be done without having a face-to-face meeting. Speaking as someone who was betrayed, it's better this way. I can nearly promise you he doesn't want anything to do with you anymore - meeting in person won't go well. Go through another person and let him heal. 6
dpass Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 It seems immature to do it that way, but maybe it is for the best. I never said I was going to do anything about me missing him. It would probably be the most mature thing you've done in the past months. You have been all over the place like a yo-yo since posting here. I wouldn't be surprised, at all, if now that you have your new guy locked down you decide you want your ex back. 1
Author kailah Posted August 12, 2016 Author Posted August 12, 2016 No, you don't. How much are these things worth? I don't mean "what did they cost to buy", I mean what is their current value now, ie. what would it cost to buy similar items 2nd hand on ebay? Just the items you bought, and 50% of the items bought jointly, that is. And only include the items that you can prove that you bought or paid 50% for (ie. have receipts). Chances are, the figure you come up with is not very much, and chances are your ex would contest the items or the price as well, so he'd come up with an even lower figure. And then, what makes you think he would happily hand the items back or the money for them? If you want to get these back you may need to take court action. Is it worth the hassle, time and legal expense, for the figure you produced? No, I think it's best to just write them off. When we moved in together I had already lived on my own, he was moving in from his parents. So most of what we had was mine. When we broke up I left the apartment and he has stayed, and is still there. Next month he will be moving out and - as far as I know - going back home for a while. He has said to sort out what belong to who. Just because I made one mistake, does not mean I should forfeit all of my belongings and start over from scratch, while pregnant. Why don't you just box up his things that you know he will want, hand them over and be done with it. You were horrible to him by cheating on him. Time for you both to have fresh starts. So you may lose a sofa. In the long run do you really want to be snuggled up on a sofa that you were snuggled up on with your ex not so long ago? Do you really want to sleep in a bed you were having sex with your ex in not so long ago. Just box up the things you can carry and get on with it. Its the only dignified way to go about it. I made one, extremely drunken, mistake. I don't think that is worth losing everything I have ever owned. Almost everything in that apartment is mine, I lived alone before he did. I am willing to split things though, so he's not left empty handed. I don't think of my objects that way. To me it's my bed, and bed frame that my grandpa built for me. It seems very immature to toss them away because I kissed someone on them... My long-term ex and I lived together, for several years. It was not an amicable break-up; he was unfaithful. However, we still managed to divvy everything up without actually seeing each other. Thank you for this, and confirming that it is possible. If I can't avoid him being there, I will send my brother to do it for me. It would probably be the most mature thing you've done in the past months. You have been all over the place like a yo-yo since posting here. I wouldn't be surprised, at all, if now that you have your new guy locked down you decide you want your ex back. I literally never said that I "locked him down" or that we were together. Literally, never. All I said was that I was out with the guy I cheated with. That's it. Don't make an a** out of yourself by making assumptions.
NopeNah Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 If he's amicable about you coming by with a truck and taking your belongings(while he's there of course) go that route. If he never wants to see you again(VERY possible) hire movers.
NopeNah Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 If he's amicable about you coming by with a truck and taking your belongings(while he's there of course) go that route. If he never wants to see you again(VERY possible) hire movers. edit...just read the op wrong
Blanco Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 When we moved in together I had already lived on my own, he was moving in from his parents. So most of what we had was mine. When we broke up I left the apartment and he has stayed, and is still there. Next month he will be moving out and - as far as I know - going back home for a while. He has said to sort out what belong to who. Just because I made one mistake, does not mean I should forfeit all of my belongings and start over from scratch, while pregnant. I made one, extremely drunken, mistake. I don't think that is worth losing everything I have ever owned. Almost everything in that apartment is mine, I lived alone before he did. I am willing to split things though, so he's not left empty handed. I don't think of my objects that way. To me it's my bed, and bed frame that my grandpa built for me. It seems very immature to toss them away because I kissed someone on them... Thank you for this, and confirming that it is possible. If I can't avoid him being there, I will send my brother to do it for me. I literally never said that I "locked him down" or that we were together. Literally, never. All I said was that I was out with the guy I cheated with. That's it. Don't make an a** out of yourself by making assumptions. Well much like your other thread, you seem to know better than everyone else, so just follow your instincts on this one. 1
NopeNah Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 Well much like your other thread, you seem to know better than everyone else, so just follow your instincts on this one. I skimmed that thread before replying to this one and my head was still spinning!!
Blanco Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 If only all early twentysomethings had the ways of the world so figured out. 2
PegNosePete Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 Just because I made one mistake, does not mean I should forfeit all of my belongings and start over from scratch, while pregnant. Mistake huh. You accidentally tripped up and fell on another guy's penis? I doubt it. It was not a mistake, but a choice. So ask him for your stuff back then. See what he says. If he says no then your only option would be to take it to court, which would most likely be a total waste of time and money. But it's your money and your choice...
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