A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

August 11, 2016

My dad has always been giving me the advice to date men that are less physically attractive than me. He tells me that they will be so happy I am with them, they will treat me well.

I have never found this to be true in practice. Men that treated me the worst are the ones I considered less attractive (although I was attracted to them). Last guy that basically dumped me was shorter than me, 10 years older and had a gut so big that I couldn't feel his d$% when we kissed front to front (seriously, this was the first time I dated someone that overweight).

The last guy I dumped was fit and gorgeous but we lacked any intellectual/emotional click and I found him too extroverted for me. Yet he seemed much more into me than the other guy.

So yeah, "dating down" in looks never really worked for me.

August 11, 2016

and this is why you found yourself being cheated on to be honest. First off, no confident man thinks any woman is "out of his league". A confident man also isn't gonna feel "lucky" to have any woman when there's millions of more attractive ones out there. Seems like you hooked up with a man you deemed "not up to par" and assumed he would be a desperate lap dog. You found out the hard way that one doesn't have to be a male model in order to have multiple options. Hell, I was considered the "cute" one growing up and my much less attractive brother still managed to have not only more girls than I did but better looking ones. He, like millions of other non-model type males, had a flock of good looking women because he understood how to compensate for not being overly attractive. He made sure his game was top notch and never displayed an attitude that he was beneath a woman. Bottom line is this whole "let me get an ugly duckling that will worship me" nonsense is gonna continue to get a great deal of women hurt.

I appreciate your feedback. But please know this is not what happened. I did not want a relationship with him because I wanted to use him as a "lap dog" I would never do that. I dont care how good looking I am...I would never use my looks as leverage. I'm a great girlfriend...I give the men I'm with everything I have. I didnt think of him as "sub par" I thought of him as a good guy. And I WAS attracted to him.

And he didnt have game. He was awkward...not a panty dropper. Thats part of what made me feel safe with him. I dont know how he pulled this new girl because he had no game. I didnt want a guy with game...Ive dated those types before. I wanted a guy who would appreciate me and not take me for granted

Again, I appreciate your thoughts but you're wrong here...I say that with all respect

Edited August 11, 2016 by Disillusionment373

August 11, 2016

And he didnt have game. He was awkward...not a panty dropper. Thats part of what made me feel safe with him. I dont know how he pulled this new girl because he had no game. I didnt want a guy with game...Ive dated those types before. I wanted a guy who would appreciate me and not take me for granted

But Dis he did have game. Pretending he had no game was his game.

Beware of those types because everyone has game, at least to some extent.

I like to call it a 'dance,' but if you meet someone who you perceive has NO game, then beware, it's a ruse.

It's akin to the overly nice guy, who actually is NOT so nice. He is pretending to be nice... because he thinks this is what chicks want to feel safe and secure.

It's phony. It's disingenuous.

Arghh!! Stay away from those types.

You want someone REAL, and if he has a little game, which is normal IMO... then learn to roll with it and incorporate your own version.

Again it's like a dance... he leads, you follow, then you lead, he follows.

It's not for the weak minded that's for sure, but if you can learn to roll with it, then you're good to go.

But whatever you do, stay away from those "overly nice guy" types.... they're phony IMO. I don't trust them.

Hope you're feeling better today!!

August 11, 2016

Maybe he found this girl while you were dating guy#2...online or somewhere. And things started going well and he didn't want to call it quits on her just yet, even though he also had feelings for you. Not saying any of that is okay. I'm just trying to figure it out myself

I can tell you have a big heart, you just seem to be giving it to the wrong people. I've done that more than once too. It sucks.

August 11, 2016

Maybe he found this girl while you were dating guy#2...online or somewhere. And things started going well and he didn't want to call it quits on her just yet, even though he also had feelings for you. Not saying any of that is okay. I'm just trying to figure it out myself

I can tell you have a big heart, you just seem to be giving it to the wrong people. I've done that more than once too. It sucks.

Thanks AMJ for the kind words, I appreciate that

I do wonder how he met this girl and what happened

I also think he might have been cheating when we were together in June....because after our vaca he went silent on me....like he did this time....I wouldnt be at all suprised if he was cheating on me back then and continued to do so...had I not walked in I'm sure it wouldve continued

I'm grateful for walking in on him...I asked for answers using my religion...and I got them

I wonder how he met this girl..he did tell me when we first started dating that there was a girl he met on OLD...she never wanted anything serious with him but he told me she was always down to hang out...he told me he stopped talking to her because he wanted something serious and she didnt...so maybe it was that girl

When we first started dating...he was on his phone one night....I saw the name, "Victoria" in his phone and that made my mind spin out of control..I never brought it up or acted wierd...but maybe that same Victoria was in his bed Tuesday night

But at the end of the day....this is all speculation...I could torture myself and ponder over the reasonings behind this...but I refuse to do that to myself...the truth is....I dont need to know why...I dont need to know who she was....I dont need to know how many times it happened...I found out all I needed to know when I walked in on him

I do have a really big heart. I will give myself credit for that. I'm extremely loving, kind and caring. I take care of the people in my life...I know I have alot of things to work on but I know with all my heart that I'm a great girlfriend and a good person....But you're right...I give my heart to the wrong men...I need time on my own to figure out why I do that...I know these sorts of things cant always be predicted...but I'm going to work hard to prevent something like this from happening again

August 11, 2016

... I know with all my heart that I'm a great girlfriend....

As always, meant kindly. You aren't capable of being a great girlfriend until you heal your wounds. Your perception of yourself is out of kilter with reality. Until people heal their wounds, they risk hurting other people they get involved with needlessly.

With that said, of course, when you're again healthy, I don't doubt you'll be capable of being a great girlfriend.

-----

Separately, what happened with the Italian, Dis? You seemed to post how wonderful he was 1 day, and have ended things the next. Is he a decent chap? Did he do something wrong for you to end it?

August 11, 2016

But Dis he did have game. Pretending he had no game was his game.

Beware of those types because everyone has game, at least to some extent.

I like to call it a 'dance,' but if you meet someone who you perceive has NO game, then beware, it's a ruse.

It's akin to the overly nice guy, who actually is NOT so nice. He is pretending to be nice... because he thinks this is what chicks want to feel safe and secure.

It's phony. It's disingenuous.

Arghh!! Stay away from those types.

You want someone REAL, and if he has a little game, which is normal IMO... then learn to roll with it and incorporate your own version.

Again it's like a dance... he leads, you follow, then you lead, he follows.

It's not for the weak minded that's for sure, but if you can learn to roll with it, then you're good to go.

But whatever you do, stay away from those "overly nice guy" types.... they're phony IMO. I don't trust them.

Hope you're feeling better today!!

Oh, great post!!!!

Talk about ruff, ruffs in sheep's clothing!!!

Yes, the guy that left me for the town H actually said that once...that he played nice to get close to chicks. I felt so disgusted that I wanted to take a shower and wash his filth off of me...

It was like the point in a movie where the villain reveals himself and his plot.

August 11, 2016

As always, meant kindly. You aren't capable of being a great girlfriend until you heal your wounds. Your perception of yourself is out of kilter with reality. Until people heal their wounds, they risk hurting other people they get involved with needlessly.

With that said, of course, when you're again healthy, I don't doubt you'll be capable of being a great girlfriend.
-----
Separately, what happened with the Italian, Dis? You seemed to post how wonderful he was 1 day, and have ended things the next. Is he a decent chap? Did he do something wrong for you to end it?

Grisho, I have to be honest....I know I have issues....and lets be honest we all do...but I stand by the fact that I'm a good partner. When I'm with someone...I treat them like gold. I have appreciated all your input but I am a loyal, kind hearted, caring partner...my issues do not take away from that

***What have I done in my past relationships that signifies that I'm not a good girlfriend??? From all my countless posts, I have never once said that I treated my partner badly. When have I ever hurt someone??? Never...I get hurt because of my bad decisions...I dont hurt others***

So you were correct when you said I hurt myself...I do. But I dont hurt others and i dont appreciate you saying that

With that said, I do agree that I am not in a place to be in a relationship right now. Not because I would treat my partner poorly

Grisho, I respect all your posts and truly do appreciate your feedback...but I resent the fact that you are pressumably telling me that I'm not a good girlfriend. I dont need to take time away fom relationships because I'm not a good loyal partner....I need to take time away from relationships because I need to focus on myself...heal...and figure out why I keep picking the wrong guys

My wounds dont keep me from being a good girlfriend....they keep me from making good decisions about the men I chose to date

I say this with all respect Grisho. I agree with 90% of your feedback...but I disagree with your statement that I'm not a good partner

Edited August 11, 2016 by Disillusionment373

August 12, 2016

Wow that's freaky! And looks like your angels are looking out for you.
Have you asked for things before and got results like this?

Ya its crazy but whenever I use my religious mechanisms...I do get the results I want and need...so I'm not surprised

My angels were def looking out for me

August 12, 2016

I like the sound of that.

If that's the case he's just a turd then. Some ppl are really good at disguises ....like you said, wolf in sheep's clothing, only he's less a predator type and more like ....maybe a dingo or a hyena - scavenger type.

I do too And...Hahaha That made me laugh! Ya I dont think he's skilled enough to be a wolf...like you said, he's probably a hyena

Sometimes I wonder about the girl he had in his bed...she was probably a bar rat that gave away sex like candy on Halloween...my girlfriends and my mom tell me she probably couldnt hold a candle to me looks wise and personality wise

I'm sure alot of people will read this post and tell me I'm being cocky...or crucify me for saying these things....but I dont care. He lost a great woman when he lost me....my personality, my heart and my outer apperance are hard to come by...so anyone that wants to respond to this post and admonish me for speaking highly of myself...I wont respond

I know how big my heart is, I know how sweet my personality is...I know what I look like...and I only give myself credit for these things when someone takes me for granted...I dont flaunt my looks...I dont use them as leverage...but I guess some men are willing to throw away a diamond to pick up an every day rock on the side of the road

This post is me having an entitled moment...which I rarely give myself....its me giving myself credit for who I am after somone threw me away like a disposable object

August 12, 2016

I appreciate your feedback. But please know this is not what happened. I did not want a relationship with him because I wanted to use him as a "lap dog" I would never do that. I dont care how good looking I am...I would never use my looks as leverage. I'm a great girlfriend...I give the men I'm with everything I have. I didnt think of him as "sub par" I thought of him as a good guy. And I WAS attracted to him.

And he didnt have game. He was awkward...not a panty dropper. Thats part of what made me feel safe with him. I dont know how he pulled this new girl because he had no game. I didnt want a guy with game...Ive dated those types before. I wanted a guy who would appreciate me and not take me for granted

Again, I appreciate your thoughts but you're wrong here...I say that with all respect

Maybe you are "too good" to the guys and they don't appreciate you anymore/take you for granted? When you say "I give them everything I have" I kind of wonder will that make them feel like you are a doormat and that they can walk all over you? Just a guess.

August 12, 2016

I know how big my heart is, I know how sweet my personality is...I know what I look like...and I only give myself credit for these things when someone takes me for granted...I dont flaunt my looks...I dont use them as leverage...but I guess some men are willing to throw away a diamond to pick up an every day rock on the side of the road

This post is me having an entitled moment...which I rarely give myself....its me giving myself credit for who I am after somone threw me away like a disposable object

I fully support you being kind to yourself. You just went through something very very hurtful. And you're handling it really well. Much better than I would.

Maybe though he didn't feel like he threw you away because he didn't think you were his to begin with. The reason for that- he didn't feel like he deserved you? Or he felt you weren't opening up, maybe didn't feel like you really wanted to be with him? Or he is like you say, a hyena who is just playing games- I'm not sure what the reason is.

August 12, 2016

Grisho, I have to be honest....I know I have issues....and lets be honest we all do...but I stand by the fact that I'm a good partner. When I'm with someone...I treat them like gold. I have appreciated all your input but I am a loyal, kind hearted, caring partner...my issues do not take away from that

***What have I done in my past relationships that signifies that I'm not a good girlfriend??? From all my countless posts, I have never once said that I treated my partner badly. When have I ever hurt someone??? Never...I get hurt because of my bad decisions...I dont hurt others***

So you were correct when you said I hurt myself...I do. But I dont hurt others and i dont appreciate you saying that

With that said, I do agree that I am not in a place to be in a relationship right now. Not because I would treat my partner poorly

Grisho, I respect all your posts and truly do appreciate your feedback...but I resent the fact that you are pressumably telling me that I'm not a good girlfriend. I dont need to take time away fom relationships because I'm not a good loyal partner....I need to take time away from relationships because I need to focus on myself...heal...and figure out why I keep picking the wrong guys

My wounds dont keep me from being a good girlfriend....they keep me from making good decisions about the men I chose to date

I say this with all respect Grisho. I agree with 90% of your feedback...but I disagree with your statement that I'm not a good partner

Well, I'm not Grisho (although from the way we've agreed w each other I feel I better clarify that ) but I am going to answer this from a guy's perspective.

I will say that yes, you ARE definitely a giver, and that (from what you've posted anyway) you NOT a cheater, nor a user. Your heart is definitely in the right place. All great and important things.

But, the flip-flopping and the sudden changing of your mind that you seem to do a lot tends to be really confusing and hurtful behaviour in its own right. Ironically, the flip-flopping is probably MORE hurtful and confusing to the men who could be good for you, the guys who would take you seriously.

I mean, let's look at what happened w you and Guy #2. Early on, he stuck by you despite your erratic behaviour. You then made it clear to him, you felt an amazing connection with him and you and he became exclusive, and then a few days later you broke up with him because "you weren't ready to date" and then a couple weeks later you were dating someone else. So, looking at this from his perspective, how do YOU think HE felt by how you acted? I understand that this wasn't your intention but I'd say your behaviour probably was quite hurtful and confusing to him. So I don't agree with what you said about how you don't hurt other people. You don't MEAN to do so and you might not even be AWARE that you do it, but your flip-flopping tends to do it anyway.

I realize that I keep bringing that up on this thread, and at the end of the day, his feelings are his own responsibility, just as your feelings are your own. In dating, these things do happen. But hopefully the person we're dating is mature enough so that they happen at a minimum. That said, if the guy you were just dating (Guy #1) didn't cheat on you, who is to say that you wouldn't have woken up one day and decided that "you really do need to be single, this time for real", and flip-flopped on him, leaving HIM hurt, just as you may have done to Guy #2?

Edited August 12, 2016 by Imajerk17

August 12, 2016

I fully support you being kind to yourself. You just went through something very very hurtful. And you're handling it really well. Much better than I would.

Maybe though he didn't feel like he threw you away because he didn't think you were his to begin with. The reason for that- he didn't feel like he deserved you? Or he felt you weren't opening up, maybe didn't feel like you really wanted to be with him? Or he is like you say, a hyena who is just playing games- I'm not sure what the reason is.

Thank you so much for that AMJ I've been through alot of tough things in my life so...when taking the big picture into consideration...this isnt that bad. Plus we didnt have that deep-hearted connecting/love so I dont feel that sense of loss. I'm handling this the best way I know how

Maybe the things you said...in terms of what he was feeling...are true. But hewas a very simple thinker...so I dont think he thought alot about me...or our relationship....I dont think he harbored any resentments....but I could be wrong. I was wrong about thinking he was over how I acted about my birthday...he wasnt...he was very upset about that. I did have a hard time opening up to him....and he did make alot of comments like,"When I first saw you, you were so hot, I didnt think I'd have a chance with you, so I just thought I'd enjoy the date and never hear from you again." I thought I had shown him through my personality that I valued a man that treated me well...not a man that was a super model....that my looks werent part of the equation...my heart was.... I really dont know what went through his head when he cheated on me. But I think he was cheating on me in June now that I look back on it. He is a mistery to me...and I dont care to solve that mistery

A part of me would like answers...but I know I dont need them to move on

August 12, 2016

I do too And...Hahaha That made me laugh! Ya I dont think he's skilled enough to be a wolf...like you said, he's probably a hyena

Sometimes I wonder about the girl he had in his bed...she was probably a bar rat that gave away sex like candy on Halloween...my girlfriends and my mom tell me she probably couldnt hold a candle to me looks wise and personality wise

I'm sure alot of people will read this post and tell me I'm being cocky...or crucify me for saying these things....but I dont care. He lost a great woman when he lost me....my personality, my heart and my outer apperance are hard to come by...so anyone that wants to respond to this post and admonish me for speaking highly of myself...I wont respond

I know how big my heart is, I know how sweet my personality is...I know what I look like...and I only give myself credit for these things when someone takes me for granted...I dont flaunt my looks...I dont use them as leverage...but I guess some men are willing to throw away a diamond to pick up an every day rock on the side of the road

This post is me having an entitled moment...which I rarely give myself....its me giving myself credit for who I am after somone threw me away like a disposable object

Well if those eyes are any indication ....damn girl.

I know you're just kinda idly looking for answers (it's human nature) but it could be anything really. He may even be kind of a tragic figure if he couldn't believe he could 'deserve' you or w/e (bc self esteem) and sort of made what he figured was inevitable happen sooner. Or maybe he really was just an ass.

August 12, 2016

Oh, great post!!!!

Talk about ruff, ruffs in sheep's clothing!!!

Yes, the guy that left me for the town H actually said that once...that he played nice to get close to chicks. I felt so disgusted that I wanted to take a shower and wash his filth off of me...

It was like the point in a movie where the villain reveals himself and his plot.

Yes!!!! Thank you!!!!

When I walked in on him it was like the the beautiful swan turned into a monsterous beast!!!!

It was unreal!!! I keep replaying the scene over and over....and replaying how I felt after every statement he made. It was like a f*cked up ending to some dramatic movie

And I know what you mean about feeling the need to wash the filth off of you...I feel so used and chewed up and spit out for having sex with him and entering a relationship with him...esp since he was probably cheating on me back in June...I feel like he made me feel dirty...if that makes sense....I feel like I allowed him to use me...I never...ever...wouldve had sex with him if I knew what he was up to

I view sex as a very personal..giving...intimate act....I'll only have sex with a guy that I'm in an exclusive relationship with and things have been going well for awhile....so knowing I had sex with him...only for him to cheat on me makes me feel so used

I have to remember I am not helpless in this situation...I have taken my power back and will continue to do so until I feel I have every ounce of it back in my hands....I'm dealing with this in the way I see fit...I will not allow someone to betray me without facing consequences...I dont care what anyone thinks of that...its my choice

August 12, 2016

I wrote this tonight. Its kind of a culmination of my feelings about the men I've dated. I'm fine I just needed to vent....

The deception of a man's heart runs deep

It runs miles deeper than my mind can travel

And is vaster than my mind can comprehend

The deception of a man's heart has shattered my own truth

It has made me eat every pretty word

And swallow every ugly truth

The deception of a man's heart has cost me the price of a million cities

It has stripped me of the dignity of a thousand kings

It has robbed me of my good nature

My good faith

My kindess

All of which are now diminished to waste - Dis

August 12, 2016

Well, I'm not Grisho (although from the way we've agreed w each other I feel I better clarify that ) but I am going to answer this from a guy's perspective.

I will say that yes, you ARE definitely a giver, and that (from what you've posted anyway) you NOT a cheater, nor a user. Your heart is definitely in the right place. All great and important things.

But, the flip-flopping and the sudden changing of your mind that you seem to do a lot tends to be really confusing and hurtful behaviour in its own right. Ironically, the flip-flopping is probably MORE hurtful and confusing to the men who could be good for you, the guys who would take you seriously.

I mean, let's look at what happened w you and Guy #2. Early on, he stuck by you despite your erratic behaviour. You then made it clear to him, you felt an amazing connection with him and you and he became exclusive, and then a few days later you broke up with him because "you weren't ready to date" and then a couple weeks later you were dating someone else. So, looking at this from his perspective, how do YOU think HE felt by how you acted? I understand that this wasn't your intention but I'd say your behaviour probably was quite hurtful and confusing to him. So I don't agree with what you said about how you don't hurt other people. You don't MEAN to do so and you might not even be AWARE that you do it, but your flip-flopping tends to do it anyway.

I realize that I keep bringing that up on this thread, and at the end of the day, his feelings are his own responsibility, just as your feelings are your own. In dating, these things do happen. But hopefully the person we're dating is mature enough so that they happen at a minimum. That said, if the guy you were just dating (Guy #1) didn't cheat on you, who is to say that you wouldn't have woken up one day and decided that "you really do need to be single, this time for real", and flip-flopped on him, leaving HIM hurt, just as you may have done to Guy #2?

Agree with all of this. Dis, I know you don't want to accept it, but none of us are capable of being good partners to people when we have open relationship wounds from previous relationships.

Flip-flopping is all about extremes of behaviour - either extremely hot or extremely cold, neither of which results in anything solid being built. It just leaves a trail of confused people left behind, wondering what went wrong.

In addition to the above, it makes us unable to fully trust, unable to be fully open, it makes up needlessly paranoid, worried, reactionary and stressed. Healing open wounds isn't just about our own wellbeing; it's about restoring equilibrium so we can be better friends, partners and colleagues. When we have open relationship wounds, we don't have calm in our emotions, reactions, interpretations, mental health, physical wellbeing...

August 12, 2016

I found out all I needed to know when I walked in on him

This isn't correct. You found out long before this, but you didn't stick to your guns in keeping away from him. You chose to put yourself back in to a relationship that was never going to work. Promise I'm not trying to labour this, but your healing depends upon you realising things like this.

Sometimes I wonder about the girl he had in his bed...she was probably a bar rat that gave away sex like candy on Halloween...my girlfriends and my mom tell me she probably couldnt hold a candle to me looks wise and personality wise

I'm sure alot of people will read this post and tell me I'm being cocky...or crucify me for saying these things....but I dont care. He lost a great woman when he lost me....my personality, my heart and my outer apperance are hard to come by...so anyone that wants to respond to this post and admonish me for speaking highly of myself...I wont respond

I know how big my heart is, I know how sweet my personality is...I know what I look like...and I only give myself credit for these things when someone takes me for granted...I dont flaunt my looks...I dont use them as leverage...but I guess some men are willing to throw away a diamond to pick up an every day rock on the side of the road

I'm going to respond to this, but not for the reason you have outlined. You may be all of those things you've claimed, and that's lovely. However, why are you attacking the character of an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire? This woman hasn't done anything to you. You've no reason to attack her character, looks, or anything else, and nor have your family and friends. My impression of him being so quiet when talking with you, was that he was afraid she would find out that you were there. This led me to think they are in a relationship. We'll never know what happened, though, so my scenario holds no more weight than that of others.

I know you are hurt, Dis, but you have so much life ahead of you, and so many wonderful experiences to enjoy, if you'd only focus on healing. You don't need to put yourself on a pedestal. It's of no consequence that he was with someone; this relationship was never going anywhere, regardless of that. We can be all kinds of wonderful things, and a person can still find better chemistry with, and desire to be serious with, other people.

As always, hope this doesn't come across as harsh. I hope you're receptive to thinking about these thoughts.

August 12, 2016

I wrote this tonight. Its kind of a culmination of my feelings about the men I've dated. I'm fine I just needed to vent....

The deception of a man's heart runs deep
It runs miles deeper than my mind can travel
And is vaster than my mind can comprehend
The deception of a man's heart has shattered my own truth
It has made me eat every pretty word
And swallow every ugly truth
The deception of a man's heart has cost me the price of a million cities
It has stripped me of the dignity of a thousand kings
It has robbed me of my good nature
My good faith
My kindess
All of which are now diminished to waste - Dis

That was nice. I like writing that has poetry-like meter but doesn't feel like it has to rhyme.

August 12, 2016

Agree with all of this. Dis, I know you don't want to accept it, but none of us are capable of being good partners to people when we have open relationship wounds from previous relationships.

Flip-flopping is all about extremes of behaviour - either extremely hot or extremely cold, neither of which results in anything solid being built. It just leaves a trail of confused people left behind, wondering what went wrong.

In addition to the above, it makes us unable to fully trust, unable to be fully open, it makes up needlessly paranoid, worried, reactionary and stressed. Healing open wounds isn't just about our own wellbeing; it's about restoring equilibrium so we can be better friends, partners and colleagues. When we have open relationship wounds, we don't have calm in our emotions, reactions, interpretations, mental health, physical wellbeing...

Well, I'm not Grisho (although from the way we've agreed w each other I feel I better clarify that ) but I am going to answer this from a guy's perspective.

I will say that yes, you ARE definitely a giver, and that (from what you've posted anyway) you NOT a cheater, nor a user. Your heart is definitely in the right place. All great and important things.

But, the flip-flopping and the sudden changing of your mind that you seem to do a lot tends to be really confusing and hurtful behaviour in its own right. Ironically, the flip-flopping is probably MORE hurtful and confusing to the men who could be good for you, the guys who would take you seriously.

I mean, let's look at what happened w you and Guy #2. Early on, he stuck by you despite your erratic behaviour. You then made it clear to him, you felt an amazing connection with him and you and he became exclusive, and then a few days later you broke up with him because "you weren't ready to date" and then a couple weeks later you were dating someone else. So, looking at this from his perspective, how do YOU think HE felt by how you acted? I understand that this wasn't your intention but I'd say your behaviour probably was quite hurtful and confusing to him. So I don't agree with what you said about how you don't hurt other people. You don't MEAN to do so and you might not even be AWARE that you do it, but your flip-flopping tends to do it anyway.

I realize that I keep bringing that up on this thread, and at the end of the day, his feelings are his own responsibility, just as your feelings are your own. In dating, these things do happen. But hopefully the person we're dating is mature enough so that they happen at a minimum. That said, if the guy you were just dating (Guy #1) didn't cheat on you, who is to say that you wouldn't have woken up one day and decided that "you really do need to be single, this time for real", and flip-flopped on him, leaving HIM hurt, just as you may have done to Guy #2?

Ok....ok...now is the time for me to wave the white flag and surrender

You're both right....it makes me sad to say that....but I need to admit it

The first step in solving a problem is identifying there is a problem

Realizing that I have so much work to do before I can find and be with the right one is hard to me to accept....I never thought I'd be 30 years old....have no husband....no kids...and have a host of problems that keep me from achieving my dream of having a family

But I cant heal if I dont admit it...so this is me accepting the truth....accepting everything I've done wrong in my relationships. Everything you two have said was right....I just wasnt ready to admit it before

Everything you two said about where I've gone wrong....about my wounds...about my erratic behavior....my flip flopping....my poor choices and decisions...the harm I have caused myself...the harm I caused guy #2....my inability to be a good girlfriend right now....its all true

*Deep breath*

Admitting all of this is somewhat defeating...but its empowering at the same time because by accepting the truth...I'm taking the first step in fixing this

Insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over yet expecting different results. I have been using my own broken behaviors to find a whole, happy, healthy relationship. How messed up is that. Thats like putting gasoline into a car with no engine...hopping in and expecting it to run...insanity

I'm calling my therapist on Monday...I cant do this by myself....this has gotten so bad, so toxic...I need outside help...and I'm looking forward to getting it

Imajerk17 and Grisho, I fought you both on alot of things....I was offended by your comments...I have been hurt by the things you both said...but now I get it...I know this isnt going to be fixed overnight...I know this will be a process...but also I know I'll come out of this healed and whole. Thank you both for drilling the truth through my thick skull...I accept it now...*sigh*

August 12, 2016

Loads of people are rooting for you. We're all on a journey. None of us glide through life, without needing to do work now and again. You have the strength of character and conviction to get through this tough time, Dis. Healing will be like a rebirth. We get to start again when we've healed.

Especially marvellous is anytime you need bolstering, and aren't due to see your therapist, pop on here and chat to us. Loads of us are looking forward to seeing you shine.

August 13, 2016

Well if those eyes are any indication ....damn girl.

I know you're just kinda idly looking for answers (it's human nature) but it could be anything really. He may even be kind of a tragic figure if he couldn't believe he could 'deserve' you or w/e (bc self esteem) and sort of made what he figured was inevitable happen sooner. Or maybe he really was just an ass.

That was nice. I like writing that has poetry-like meter but doesn't feel like it has to rhyme.

Hi Jen! Awww thanks boo! You're the best!

Answers would be nice...and like you said its human nature to look for them. I would like to know why? and when? and how many times? and with who? But I really dont need to know. I am moving on without answers

And thank you for commenting on my poem Poetry really helps me express how I feel. I've beeb writing these types of poems since I was 12

Today I've been thinking...I dont regret walking in on him. But I am wondering about things...like what happened after I left on Tuesday night? Did she get pissed? Was she asleep? Were they having sex? He was speaking so quietly...maybe he was trying to keep her from hearing what was going on. I wasnt going to shout and make a fool of myself. I'll give myself credit for handling it with dignity.

I also ask myself whats happening to him now? I pretty much know what he's feeling right now...but I'd like to see it with my own eyes

I keep replaying what happened in my mind...that whole interaction was surreal

I wonder if this was all a game to him...or if she reached out to him randomly and he just went along with it

Its only been a few days since it happened so I'm just still alittle shocked

I'm dealing with this in a way that allows me to take my power back...I do feel he tried to leave me powerless...defenseless...he was wrong

I've never gone though something like this so I dont know how this process works....what should I expect??? Am I handling this well or not??? Is what I'm feeling normal???

August 13, 2016

I know I messed up...but I had an urge to check his fb page

He posted a pic of him at the beach....a girl commented and said, "damn thats one good photographer."

He liked her comment

She obvi went to the beach with him...maybe she was the one that he cheated on me with....I dont care about her....she has nothing to do with this....it just proves my point...she'll figure him out eventually...if she doesnt already know...shes just going to end up getting hurt...I feel bad for her...I have no hard feelings against her...I cant prove whether or not she knew...so as far as I'm concerned...she doesnt matter

When I saw that...I did my usual work...I did what I feel I need to do to take my power back...to take my control back...= retribution...I dont care that its wrong...I dont care....he used me....chewed me up and spit me out....I'm doing what I have to do now to show him I'm not a door mat....comment all you'd like....I couldnt care less

I dont know when that pic was taken....but I know...based on my gut...he had been cheating on me for quite awhile

One of you made a good point....and said there was nothing there anyway so why be mad....this is true....I never felt that deep connection to him...I never felt that magnetic pull to him...the thought of him with another woman doesnt make my skin crawl as it would have with my LT exs...it wouldve never worked out...with that said I wont allow someone to claim their loyalty to me only to stab me in the back

Edited August 13, 2016 by Disillusionment373

August 13, 2016

I've never gone though something like this so I dont know how this process works....what should I expect??? Am I handling this well or not??? Is what I'm feeling normal???

Aw, you need some snuggles.

There's no script for this stuff so just go. The only thing I'd caution on is thinking anything will happen fast - usually doesn't work like that, either big picture or little picture. Life lessons usually take a while to actually assimilate and making strides doesn't usually happen overnight. So let yourself feel crappy and don't think you have to turn it all around tomorrow ....it's all part of the process.

And btw yes, your writing really is quite good.

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