ChickiePops Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 Just checking..you say you 'started things up again'. Were you two officially back together and exclusive? You'd discussed not seeing anyone else?
AMJ Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 I'm also with Gaeta that something doesn't add up. Do you have keys to his apt? Or did he leave his door unlocked? I feel like with a guy like this, there must have been something deep down you weren't sure about but chose to ignore. I feel like there must be more to this story. I'm sorry this happened to you. But look at it as a blessing in disguise, you found out sooner than later. This has to be the easiest guy to walk away from, no one needs this in their life. He's going to treat all his girlfriends like this, he's not a good guy. And about the taking a break from dating- I know you feel pressure to settle down and all of that, but these situations are doing more damage to you finding a real relationship than you know. It's better to take dating more slowly- wait for the right guy- and not keep ending up with guys who hurt you. 3
Author Dis Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 There is just something unnatural about his reaction. Who has cheating sex with unlocked doors. If he didn't want to be caught why he left your communication unanswered. Why did he admit on the spot he was with someone, cheaters usually get lost in excuses. I don't know, a few things aren't checking out. Are you sure there was someone with him? It almost sounds like a set up. How many of you would come to the door and tell your GF or BF Yep! I am with someone. I'm also with Gaeta that something doesn't add up. Do you have keys to his apt? Or did he leave his door unlocked? I feel like with a guy like this, there must have been something deep down you weren't sure about but chose to ignore. I feel like there must be more to this story. I'm sorry this happened to you. But look at it as a blessing in disguise, you found out sooner than later. This has to be the easiest guy to walk away from, no one needs this in their life. He's going to treat all his girlfriends like this, he's not a good guy. And about the taking a break from dating- I know you feel pressure to settle down and all of that, but these situations are doing more damage to you finding a real relationship than you know. It's better to take dating more slowly- wait for the right guy- and not keep ending up with guys who hurt you. Hi Gaeta and AMJ I totally get what both of you are saying. Thats why I felt like it was a scene from a poorly written movie. He left the door unlocked. He always leaves his door unlocked. I bet he never ever thought I would actually show up at his door. I never came to his house uninvited before. He always told me in the past to come right in if he didnt answer...I sure didnt think he had another woman in his bed so I opened the door. When I opened the door, I said "His name" He made a startled noise and put his boxers on in a half a second. I could see into his room from the door but it was very dark in there and before I knew it he was up in my face blocking me from seeing inside or coming inside. The exchange went down exactly how I said it did He spoke very quietly, I think the other woman was sleeping and he didnt want to wake her up. I think he had just woken up too so he was out of it. But ya, he told me flat out that he had someone with him. I was shocked that he actually admitted it to me. Maybe he admitted it because he was half asleep...I dont know. His whole energy and the energy between us was very telling. He had guilt written all over his face. I've never had this happen to me. It was surreal. Like a bad dream. My girlfriends think he's an idiot too. I mean if he wouldve kept communicating with me, I wouldnt have shown up on his door step....I wouldnt have caught him. And why the h*ll would you leave the door unlocked if your in the middle of cheating on your gf???? I dont know where his head was at. Maybe he's just not experienced in the "art of cheating" like some men are. I did ignore my gut feeling of dread...I always felt like something was wrong when I was in a relationship with him. But I didnt know if that was just anxiety from past experiences or something more. Like I said, I feel like I cant trust my instincts. My gut was screaming at me, "Something is wrong!" But I didnt listen to it. Had he been alittle smarter about it...I wouldnt have found out. I'm glad he acted carelessly so I could find out the truth
amaysngrace Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 I'm sorry that happened to you but maybe he didn't think you two were exclusive or maybe he didn't think you took the relationship all that seriously since you broke up once already. Did you guys have the exclusivity talk or were you just assuming that you'd pick up right where you left off again? 1
Author Dis Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 Sure if we are just focusing on what happened and why it happened. You stated this isn't the first time this has happened. The following perhaps adds a few clues as to possible reasons why this occurred with this particular gentleman. Perhaps its just sour grapes because of what happened but your description of him and why you chose to date him is not at all positive. You describe yourself as superior to him in looks and appearance you earlier stated he had terrible communication skills and essentially that you were dating down in order to try and prevent being cheated on. You even state that you assumed he would just feel like he is "lucky to have you". In a relationship dating someone who you feel is less then you because you think they are safe translates into you not valuing them and not putting in appropriate effort or treating them the way you would treat a partner you feel is your equal. These differences can often be subtle and sometimes we don't really even notice we are doing them but we simply don't bring the same passion or enthusiasm to the relationship we normally would. This leads to them feeling neglected\underappreciated and looking to get the intimate attention from other sources. My advice would be to aim for dating someone who you genuinely care about, who you think is your equal and who seems like a good guy as well. I think the part here about you not valuing HIM is important. When people don’t value you, whether that is in a work situation, family situation or a relationship you instinctively know. Kinda like a middle child who feels isolated. People who don’t feel valued (taken for granted) will act out one way or another. Since this thread will likely be moved to the cheating thread pile, while I have never been cheated on, nor have cheated on anyone I always wonder are their specific characteristics (people who keep getting cheated on) have? Even the most beautiful women on the planet get cheated on. Attractive women are easy targets, men are ego driven and will use a woman’s beauty to elevate their own status. Attractive women are “adored” all the time so they become complacent in how to read people. I don’t know but maybe because attractive women don’t have to work on EQ as you stated yourself you get complacent in relationships and devalue your partner Also attractive women attractive attract narcissistic men, regardless of his exterior. Beauty will never make a man committed to you. Bottom line if a man who’s excited to be with a hot woman, because she’s stunning can get even more excited to be with another fresher hotter woman. Other aspects of who you are as a full person must evolve or you will continue to get cheated on, this goes for ALL women who has been cheated on. Sorry Dis, don’t mean to sound preachy… sorry this happened to you, just processing trying to get perspective. I appreciate both of your opinions...but justanaverageguy...you are way off base...and Larryville thank you for asking for clarification....my previous statement sent the wrong message so I want to make something very clear... When I am in a relationship I give everything I have to my partner. I am self-less to a fault in relationships. I have usually put my parnter's needs infront of my own in nearly every relationship I've had. (Not a good thing I know) My looks dont give me a sense of entitlement in relationships. I treated him as my equal...I just stupidly thought that since he wasnt super attractive that he wouldnt have women lined up waiting to sleep with him like my ex's did. I thought he'd be happy with just me... I was wrong. I know many attractive woman who have a b*tchy attitude but I am not one of them. I dont put myself on a pedestal. He wasnt great looking but I thought he was super sexy because of my feelings for him...his looks werent what mattered most. Larryville I think you brought up a good point. Many attractive women think they dont need EQ...they think their looks will take them all the way. I have alot of sense when it comes to emotional intelligence...maybe because of the things I've been through. Its always important to me to be emotionally connected to my partner...to be in tune with the emotional aspects of the relationship. I'd never take a man for granted...I've never been complacent in any relationship I've been in. My looks cant buy me a happy relationship...the way my partner and I treat each other will. When I was with this man, I truly took care of him. When he was sick I drove to his house and took care of him. I brought him home cooked meals all the time. I listened to him about his day or whatever was going on in his life. My looks arent the main reason why a guy would be lucky to have me. I'm an amazing gf to whoever I'm with. I gave myself to him...and that was a mistake.
Author Dis Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 Is this the man you previously ended things with, told us you were completely over and happy to be without, and told us wasn't concerned when you told him you wanted to end it? If it's the same one, who initiated the "getting back together" and why? On a separate note, I don't really understand why you flip-flop so much from 2 extremes: -You're taking a break from dating and are 100% happy alone etc etc -You're exclusive with someone and hurt that they're cheating etc etc It's really hard to follow your trail of thought, and I'm not sure what value our advice has, until you settle on a direction yourself (preferably a direction, at least, forwards, so you don't revert back to an unsuitable ex). Just checking..you say you 'started things up again'. Were you two officially back together and exclusive? You'd discussed not seeing anyone else? While Dis has made a lot of problematic statements, I don't think it's fair to say that it's her fault that he cheated on her. She didn't plant that other person into his bed. If he was unhappy, he should have spoken up or broken up. Sorry this happened Dis. Whatever happened to your desire to be alone for awhile? I'm sorry that happened to you but maybe he didn't think you two were exclusive or maybe he didn't think you took the relationship all that seriously since you broke up once already. Did you guys have the exclusivity talk or were you just assuming that you'd pick up right where you left off again? I'm also with Gaeta that something doesn't add up. Do you have keys to his apt? Or did he leave his door unlocked? I feel like with a guy like this, there must have been something deep down you weren't sure about but chose to ignore. I feel like there must be more to this story. I'm sorry this happened to you. But look at it as a blessing in disguise, you found out sooner than later. This has to be the easiest guy to walk away from, no one needs this in their life. He's going to treat all his girlfriends like this, he's not a good guy. And about the taking a break from dating- I know you feel pressure to settle down and all of that, but these situations are doing more damage to you finding a real relationship than you know. It's better to take dating more slowly- wait for the right guy- and not keep ending up with guys who hurt you. This is the guy I broke up with in the end of June because he stopped communicating with me and for some other reasons. We reconnected and I told him I didnt want a relationship...I just wanted to hang out and have fun. He was very hurt by this. I have no idea why since he ended up cheating on me. He said he wanted a relationship with me. I wasnt sure so I told him we needed to have a long talk about where we went wrong before because I dont want to step back into the same thing all over again. So we had 2 long talks about everything. To my surprise he was very receptive of my points, apologized, explained himself in a non-bs type of way. I also told him about some other things I needed from him...how I needed him to listen to me when I spoke and not to just talk about him...we squashed everything After those talks we agree we were exclusive...there would be no one else...he wanted this more than I did...I still wasnt too sure...but he seemed different...he was a conman And you all have very valid points about me flip flopping...saying I need to be alone...then jumping into a relationship. I know I have a problem with that...my girlfriend told me if things with this guy dont work out...I need to focus on myself...no relationships....shes seen me flip flop too. AMJ, I do feel pressure to settle down....its hard because I want a family and a husband...I'm just frustrated it hasnt happened yet. I guess I was trying to make something work that was doomed from the start. If I dont figure all this out...I wont be able to have a successful relationship...if I dont do the work now I'll never have the white picket fence. I have said in the past that I'm going to stop dating for awhile...those words arent too credible now. But I know what I need to do now...I know 1
jen1447 Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 The white picket fence is a product of a healthy, sustainable relationship DisLu. It's not sth you have relationships in order to get. So maybe you're looking in the wrong places and looking at this wrong overall. 3
jen1447 Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 This is the guy I broke up with in the end of June because he stopped communicating with me and for some other reasons. We reconnected and I told him I didnt want a relationship...I just wanted to hang out and have fun. He was very hurt by this. I have no idea why since he ended up cheating on me. He said he wanted a relationship with me. It sounds like it was orchestrated to hurt you. Did you really take a poop on him when you ended it the first time around or sth? Make him feel marginal, etc.? But yeah unless he's really dumb he should have seen a possible visit from you coming a mile away - not returning texts, you have easy access to his place, newly reunited and committed, etc. That's just way too pat unless there's sth else going on here we're not aware of. 1
CryForNoOne Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 I think it's a really bad idea to view dating as something you turn on and off like a light switch. Sometimes things are just not meant to be AT THAT MOMENT in your life, so no point fighting the current. It's much easier and healthier to go with the flow. I have seen this countless times in business. Some months/years, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to close a deal or catch a break. Other time, the money seems to be growing on trees and I can't hire employees fast enough to rake it all in... So if taking a break means signing of from OLD for a while, or seeking a relationship just to avoid loneliness, then great! But this notion of completely being shut down to relationships because you need to spend time on yourself is absurd. You'll probably meet Mr / Mrs Right when you least expect it, not because it's fate or some other BS, it's just because a lifetime is really really long and that special person isn't special unless they only come along once in a blue moon... Forcing it won't make it happen, but shutting down completely is just reactionary defeatist emotional nonsense... 1
CryForNoOne Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 It sounds like it was orchestrated to hurt you. Did you really take a poop on him when you ended it the first time around or sth? Make him feel marginal, etc.? But yeah unless he's really dumb he should have seen a possible visit from you coming a mile away - not returning texts, you have easy access to his place, newly reunited and committed, etc. That's just way too pat unless there's sth else going on here we're not aware of. Your completely overlooking that some guys are really just that dumb. Have you seen the absurd trail of guilt some celebrities leave in high profile cases? I mean there was so much evidence in the OJ trial it had to be a setup! Or maybe he was really just that dumb not to cover his tracks...
jen1447 Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 Your completely overlooking that some guys are really just that dumb. Some are. (I'd say people, not just guys.) But not most. It at least smells enough to wonder.
jen1447 Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 I think it's a really bad idea to view dating as something you turn on and off like a light switch. Sometimes things are just not meant to be AT THAT MOMENT in your life, so no point fighting the current. It's much easier and healthier to go with the flow. I have seen this countless times in business. Some months/years, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to close a deal or catch a break. Other time, the money seems to be growing on trees and I can't hire employees fast enough to rake it all in... So if taking a break means signing of from OLD for a while, or seeking a relationship just to avoid loneliness, then great! But this notion of completely being shut down to relationships because you need to spend time on yourself is absurd. You'll probably meet Mr / Mrs Right when you least expect it, not because it's fate or some other BS, it's just because a lifetime is really really long and that special person isn't special unless they only come along once in a blue moon... Forcing it won't make it happen, but shutting down completely is just reactionary defeatist emotional nonsense... Eh, while I agree that in general you shouldn't try to micromanage romance, sometimes if you put a stunning string of romantic mishaps together the only thing for it is to take a sabbatical. Otherwise you're prone to just keep stepping in the same old pile of poop. 1
AMJ Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 (edited) I do understand where you're coming from, Dis. I think the best relationships come along when you least expect it, when you're busy being happy and living your life one day at a time. Let go of those benchmarks of where we're supposed to be at a certain age. Just breathe, be happy with the positive things you have. You can't rush or force a healthy relationship. I have friends who did that because they panicked about turning 30 and things aren't looking so great for them now. No more guys that give you bad gut feelings. Your judgement isn't off, you had a bad feeling about him. I'm a big believer in making lemonade when life gives you lemons...but sometimes even lemons go bad and no amount of sugar is going to help. Some lemons you gotta throw away! Edited August 10, 2016 by AMJ 1
deep_night Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 wow :/ this is one of my biggest fears, and it makes me vey reluctant to get involved. but i actually admire your courage to go there and see what happened yourself. i wish i did that in several instances, it would have saved me so much time and energy. 1
Leigh 87 Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 Thats the thing about him...he wasnt overly good looking. He was out of my league in terms of physical attractiveness...so I thought he would feel lucky to have me...he acted humble and genuine...not a charmer or a panty dropper...thats what drew me to him...he wasnt the typical juice head that thinks he can get any girl he wants...he barely went to the gym...thats why I thought I was safe with him...I was so wrong. So I guess even the less attractive guys can still be douche bags???? I dont trust my instincts at all anymore And yes I'm moving on...the karma I set in motion will deal with him...I dont need to know his reasoning...I had my closure when I walked in on him with another I learnt that how attractive a man is doesnt determine their ability to be faithful or honest.
Author Dis Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 The white picket fence is a product of a healthy, sustainable relationship DisLu. It's not sth you have relationships in order to get. So maybe you're looking in the wrong places and looking at this wrong overall. Thank Jen. I do know this. I think I was just looking at things the wrong way...and looking in the wrong places. I was so very wrong with him...he seemed to trust worthy...I even went so far as to say he has a pure heart to my girlfriends...geez I'm a bad judge of character...but maybe there was no way I could see this coming
Grisho Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 This is the guy I broke up with in the end of June because he stopped communicating with me and for some other reasons. We reconnected and I told him I didnt want a relationship...I just wanted to hang out and have fun. He was very hurt by this. I have no idea why since he ended up cheating on me. He said he wanted a relationship with me. I wasnt sure so I told him we needed to have a long talk about where we went wrong before because I dont want to step back into the same thing all over again. So we had 2 long talks about everything. To my surprise he was very receptive of my points, apologized, explained himself in a non-bs type of way. I also told him about some other things I needed from him...how I needed him to listen to me when I spoke and not to just talk about him...we squashed everything After those talks we agree we were exclusive...there would be no one else...he wanted this more than I did...I still wasnt too sure...but he seemed different...he was a conman And you all have very valid points about me flip flopping...saying I need to be alone...then jumping into a relationship. I know I have a problem with that...my girlfriend told me if things with this guy dont work out...I need to focus on myself...no relationships....shes seen me flip flop too. AMJ, I do feel pressure to settle down....its hard because I want a family and a husband...I'm just frustrated it hasnt happened yet. I guess I was trying to make something work that was doomed from the start. If I dont figure all this out...I wont be able to have a successful relationship...if I dont do the work now I'll never have the white picket fence. I have said in the past that I'm going to stop dating for awhile...those words arent too credible now. But I know what I need to do now...I know Then stop wishing ill on others, distracting you from the real problem - you not taking care of yourself caused the hurt feelings you now have. I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, Dis. I don't mean to make you sad at all, but you need to get yourself out of this spin. You've assured us over and over you're moving on, focusing on healing your open relationship wounds that stop you from seeking healthy relationships, then started copius threads about new relationships in stark contrast to those posts. Stop focusing on revenge for your perceived slights, and focus your energy on healing yourself. Again, sorry if this comes across as hurtful. 1
Author Dis Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 I think it's a really bad idea to view dating as something you turn on and off like a light switch. Sometimes things are just not meant to be AT THAT MOMENT in your life, so no point fighting the current. It's much easier and healthier to go with the flow. I have seen this countless times in business. Some months/years, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to close a deal or catch a break. Other time, the money seems to be growing on trees and I can't hire employees fast enough to rake it all in... So if taking a break means signing of from OLD for a while, or seeking a relationship just to avoid loneliness, then great! But this notion of completely being shut down to relationships because you need to spend time on yourself is absurd. You'll probably meet Mr / Mrs Right when you least expect it, not because it's fate or some other BS, it's just because a lifetime is really really long and that special person isn't special unless they only come along once in a blue moon... Forcing it won't make it happen, but shutting down completely is just reactionary defeatist emotional nonsense... Thanks CryForNoOne I do agree that when the right guy comes along at the right moment...its meant to be So I'm not shutting myself off...I'm just not seeking out a relationship right now. If the right guy comes along I'd be happy to be in a relationship with him. But like you said...its all about timing....and you raised an awesome point....I was trying to make relationships work when it clearly wasnt in the cards...timing wise. Thanks for mentioning that When the timing is right it'll happen
Grisho Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 Thank Jen. I do know this. I think I was just looking at things the wrong way...and looking in the wrong places. I was so very wrong with him...he seemed to trust worthy...I even went so far as to say he has a pure heart to my girlfriends...geez I'm a bad judge of character...but maybe there was no way I could see this coming If you were fully healed from previous relationship wounds, you'd have avoided this man after ending it the first time. You need to figure out why you're not looking after yourself as best you could. I post that kindly. 1
Author Dis Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 Then stop wishing ill on others, distracting you from the real problem - you not taking care of yourself caused the hurt feelings you now have. I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, Dis. I don't mean to make you sad at all, but you need to get yourself out of this spin. You've assured us over and over you're moving on, focusing on healing your open relationship wounds that stop you from seeking healthy relationships, then started copius threads about new relationships in stark contrast to those posts. Stop focusing on revenge for your perceived slights, and focus your energy on healing yourself. Again, sorry if this comes across as hurtful. Hi Grisho. That did come across as harsh but I get it. I've done alot of flip flopping. I'm not perfect...Ive made alot of mistakes. But I'm a good woman who treats others with respect. Pls dont assume that I'm not focusing on me...I'm aware that many of these problems stem from my own problems...its just going to take time. I'm learning...thats all I can do How I handle this is not distracting me from working on myself Thank you for your feedback. I agree with what you said and I know your saying that because you care
Author Dis Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 If you were fully healed from previous relationship wounds, you'd have avoided this man after ending it the first time. You need to figure out why you're not looking after yourself as best you could. I post that kindly. Very correct...I didnt think of that I have some work to do
Author Dis Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 It sounds like it was orchestrated to hurt you. Did you really take a poop on him when you ended it the first time around or sth? Make him feel marginal, etc.? But yeah unless he's really dumb he should have seen a possible visit from you coming a mile away - not returning texts, you have easy access to his place, newly reunited and committed, etc. That's just way too pat unless there's sth else going on here we're not aware of. Really??? You think he could have planned this??? Geez Well the only thing I did wrong was act like somewhat of a brat about my birthday...I aplogized for that and went over it many times to assure him that I was in the wrong. We were both wrong when it first ended. I took accountiblity for my wrong doings....I cant imagine him planning this out...wow
katiegrl Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 (edited) Really??? You think he could have planned this??? Geez Well the only thing I did wrong was act like somewhat of a brat about my birthday...I aplogized for that and went over it many times to assure him that I was in the wrong. We were both wrong when it first ended. I took accountiblity for my wrong doings....I cant imagine him planning this out...wow His Dis.... wow, this is a bit of a shocker. I'm so sorry. Has he tried to contact you at all? Reminds me of a scene from a movie from the 80's called "Working Girl," with Melanie Griffith and Alec Baldwin. She walked in on him having sex with another chick, went ballistic and ran out. He ran after her though... big dramatic scene, but it was a movie, so you know how that goes... lol I am surprised you had the nerve to go over there. I mean it had only been one day that he hadn't responded, right? When you dated before, he would go several days with no response. Not saying it's a bad thing you went over... actually in retrospect it was a good thing because now you know the type of man you're dealing with. Just surprised tis all, given you reactions when you dated him previously. Hope you're doing okay though.... Edited August 11, 2016 by katiegrl
longjohn Posted August 11, 2016 Posted August 11, 2016 What a scumbag, what goes around will surely come around. Just goes to show.. no communication usually means they are up to something in this case the worst possible something. 1
Author Dis Posted August 11, 2016 Author Posted August 11, 2016 His Dis.... wow, this is a bit of a shocker. I'm so sorry. Has he tried to contact you at all? Reminds me of a scene from a movie from the 80's called "Working Girl," with Melanie Griffith and Alec Baldwin. She walked in on him having sex with another chick, went ballistic and ran out. He ran after her though... big dramatic scene, but it was a movie, so you know how that goes... lol I am surprised you had the nerve to go over there. I mean it had only been one day that he hadn't responded, right? When you dated before, he would go several days with no response. Not saying it's a bad thing you went over... actually in retrospect it was a good thing because now you know the type of man you're dealing with. Just surprised tis all, given you reactions when you dated him previously. Hope you're doing okay though.... No he hasnt contacted me...and I dont want him to. I'm done. I'm in a sad place right now...his cheating was the straw that broke the camal's back...I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired I cried...I never cry. I didnt cry because of him...I cried because this was the last straw All my girlfriends tell me to be hopeful...that I'll find the right one at the right time I'm tired of everyone selling me a dream I've had enough of this
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