A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

[Dis]

I started something back up with a guy I used to date...after swearing I needed a break from dating...I always told my girlfriends, "He may be lacking in the communication department but I would never have to worry about him screwing me over...he's a good guy." I told them that a million times....they all weighed in and agreed. They even met him and thought he was wonderful

 

Everything seemed to be going well...we became exclusive...per his request

 

Yesterday he stopped texting me....that gnawing feeling restared in my gut...telling me something was wrong...it ate at all me day...just like it did a month ago

 

My girlfriend told me if I really wanted to know where he stood...I should go over to his house...so I did (You'll see why this wasnt such a dumb move after all)

 

I knocked on his door...twice...he didnt answer....

 

He always told me if he didnt answer to come right in...so I did

 

I opened the door and said (His name)

 

He lept out of bed naked...his bedroom shrowded in darkness...he quickly put his boxers on

 

He approached the door and guarded it

 

I said, "Are you ok?"

 

He said, "Ya, why?"

 

I said, "Because I've been trying to reach you since last night"

 

I moved into the door way...then he blocked me

 

He said, "Can you go please?"

 

My stomach dropped...I said, "Do you have someone here?"

 

He said, "Ya."

 

I blacked out...I was in shock...then I paused for a second....realizing he was cheating on me..then I said, "Ok, I'm going to f**k you up now" in a very calm and quiet voice

 

Then I turned and walked out of his condo complex

 

Sure...slapping him wouldve been a common response...but I decided that route wasnt suffiencent....so I went home and delt with things my way

 

I'm not asking for a debate about how I chose to deal with him...I guess I'm just wondering how I could be so fooled by him...he truley is a wolf in sheep's clothing

 

I've dated a cheater and a liar before....I swore I could be able to identify these types by now

 

It all seemed like a scene from a movie

 

I'm fine...didnt shed a tear...I'm glad I found out early on...I'm just surprised I couldnt see his razor sharp teeth earlier on

 

Now comes the time for aloneness...and introspection...which is much needed

 

I cant believe I was so wrong

[CryForNoOne]

Very sorry that happened to you. I think if you date enough people, you'll always run into a few you misjudge. Just don't let that make you jaded about the next guy. Everyone is different so you shouldn't hold prejudices from relationship to relationship. You seem to have done the right thing. But also I feel left hanging on this story...

 

You're going to f**k him up? Slapping wasn't sufficient, so what are you going to do???

[Dis]

Very sorry that happened to you. I think if you date enough people, you'll always run into a few you misjudge. Just don't let that make you jaded about the next guy. Everyone is different so you shouldn't hold prejudices from relationship to relationship. You seem to have done the right thing. But also I feel left hanging on this story...

 

You're going to f**k him up? Slapping wasn't sufficient, so what are you going to do???

 

Thank you so much for that CryForNoOne. I really appreciate that. You're right...not every guy is like this..I wont let this stop me from loving and trusting in the future...he doesnt deserve to take that away from me...and he wont. Thanks for letting me know that not every guy cheats...maybe I needed that reminder

 

What I'm going to do to him???....To every action there is a reaction....whether that reaction takes place in the physical world or another...I initiated karma...I'm not willing to get into that too much

[CryForNoOne]

Thank you so much for that CryForNoOne. I really appreciate that. You're right...not every guy is like this..I wont let this stop me from loving and trusting in the future...he doesnt deserve to take that away from me...and he wont. Thanks for letting me know that not every guy cheats...maybe I needed that reminder

 

Well you stated before that you're very attractive. I'm going to guess that guy isn't bad looking either and probably has a lot of options. Sadly, that often brings out the worst in people - entitlement and a little narcissism. Especially men. As a guy, I get to see what other guys are "really" like. There are a lot of cheaters and jerks. I've also known a few guys who have it all. By that I mean charismatic, good looking, and genuine. I think "that's a guy I'd want my sister to marry". Monetary or career success has nothing to do with it. And sadly women pick the "wrong" guys more often than Mr "Right". Not sure why both sexes seem so inept at that...

 

What I'm going to do to him???....To every action there is a reaction....whether that reaction takes place in the physical world or another...I initiated karma...I'm not willing to get into that too much

 

I get what you mean with the karma thing. Best to leave it at that. He's not worth wasting your time on him. Your time is better served reflecting on how you misjudged him (without bearing a grudge on the next guy) and move on...

[juniorrocha]

Sorry this happened to you. But at least it was within a month. Could've been a lot worse.

 

Anyway, it's always hard to detect a liar or a cheater. Because that's not the side they show everyone. People hide secrets and as long as they're able to get away with it, everything's fine for them.

 

Also, be careful while trying to damage him somehow. Sometimes it's better to just let go. At the end, wishing someone bad only poisons you.

 

You'll get through it. Take your time, work on things that are important for you and eventually someone nicer will come along.

[Dis]

Well you stated before that you're very attractive. I'm going to guess that guy isn't bad looking either and probably has a lot of options. Sadly, that often brings out the worst in people - entitlement and a little narcissism. Especially men. As a guy, I get to see what other guys are "really" like. There are a lot of cheaters and jerks. I've also known a few guys who have it all. By that I mean charismatic, good looking, and genuine. I think "that's a guy I'd want my sister to marry". Monetary or career success has nothing to do with it. And sadly women pick the "wrong" guys more often than Mr "Right". Not sure why both sexes seem so inept at that...

 

 

 

I get what you mean with the karma thing. Best to leave it at that. He's not worth wasting your time on him. Your time is better served reflecting on how you misjudged him (without bearing a grudge on the next guy) and move on...

 

Thats the thing about him...he wasnt overly good looking. He was out of my league in terms of physical attractiveness...so I thought he would feel lucky to have me...he acted humble and genuine...not a charmer or a panty dropper...thats what drew me to him...he wasnt the typical juice head that thinks he can get any girl he wants...he barely went to the gym...thats why I thought I was safe with him...I was so wrong. So I guess even the less attractive guys can still be douche bags???? I dont trust my instincts at all anymore

 

And yes I'm moving on...the karma I set in motion will deal with him...I dont need to know his reasoning...I had my closure when I walked in on him with another woman

[Dis]

Sorry this happened to you. But at least it was within a month. Could've been a lot worse.

 

Anyway, it's always hard to detect a liar or a cheater. Because that's not the side they show everyone. People hide secrets and as long as they're able to get away with it, everything's fine for them.

 

Also, be careful while trying to damage him somehow. Sometimes it's better to just let go. At the end, wishing someone bad only poisons you.

 

You'll get through it. Take your time, work on things that are important for you and eventually someone nicer will come along.

 

Thanks juniorocha After my ex of 2 and a half years lied and cheated on me I swore I'd never be with another guy like this again....but here I am fooled again. He was great at hiding his true self...good point...its scary how people can be so deceptive

 

I'm not wasting my time on him now....but I did not turn the other cheek when I got home though....but he's out of my life now...I'm grateful I found early on...now I can move forward without his actions affecting my life

[Justanaverageguy]

And yes I'm moving on...the karma I set in motion will deal with him...I dont need to know his reasoning...I had my closure when I walked in on him with another woman

 

Im not really sure I follow "the karma I set in motion".

 

That's not how karma works. Karma is not about an eye for an eye and it is not about retaliation physical or otherwise. You cannot initiate someone else's karma .... If you try to do so you are merely creating your own.

 

Best just to just move on with your own life in a positive way

[Dis]

Im not really sure I follow "the karma I set in motion".

 

That's not how karma works. Karma is not about an eye for an eye and it is not about retaliation physical or otherwise. You cannot initiate someone else's karma .... If you try to do so you are merely creating your own.

 

Best just to just move on with your own life in a positive way ��

 

Like I said I'm not hear to debate how I chose to deal with him

 

Walking in on my bf cheating on me is the topic...not how I chose to deal with that fact

[Dis]

I'm grateful for walking in on him...I'm glad I found out....

 

But knowing he's probably laying next to her right now kind of hurts

 

Although I didnt cry...I feel very betrayed

 

When we reconnected I told him I didnt want a relationship...but he made me feel safe with him...he made me feel like I could let down my walls and trust him...so when he told me he wanted a relationship with me I said ok. What was the point of that???? So he could step outside of the relationship later???

 

My girlfriend told me that when someone is injured in the woods and is alone...a wolf might approach them and at first be very calm and make the person feel somewhat at ease....then they come back and attack (I dont know how much of that is true but I liked it anyway)

 

I feel like thats what he did

 

I'm not sorry I found out...and I dont feel like I lost anything...I just dont like that he betrayed my trust when he seemed to want to earn it so much. I dont like that he broke down my walls when he knew I wanted to keep them up. It was a sport to him. At least I see who he is now

[elaine567]

Thats the thing about him...he wasnt overly good looking. He was out of my league in terms of physical attractiveness...so I thought he would feel lucky to have me...he acted humble and genuine...not a charmer or a panty dropper...thats what drew me to him...he wasnt the typical juice head that thinks he can get any girl he wants...he barely went to the gym...thats why I thought I was safe with him...I was so wrong. So I guess even the less attractive guys can still be douche bags???? I dont trust my instincts at all anymore

 

I think a lot of guys who muck up women's lives are like this.

Real life is not the movies, the "rotter" isn't necessarily the smooth, good looking, charmer with the Ferrari and Daddy's trust fund, nor is he the obvious low life, he is usually the "normal" looking guy, the nice guy, who gets in under the radar but who is no less of a narcissist, a sociopath, a psychopath, a cheater, a liar...

 

Why do we think that physical traits will identify the underlying psyche for us? I don't know, but we tend to do it all the time.

[Toodaloo]

Shove a potato up his exhaust pipe in the middle of the night and wire a kipper to it underneath so it can't be found but it really hums when it gets hot and the flies...

 

I will say no more.

 

Sorry you found a rubbish one. Keep the faith.

[Shining One]

Shove a potato up his exhaust pipe in the middle of the night and wire a kipper to it underneath so it can't be found but it really hums when it gets hot and the flies...

 

I will say no more.

OP, I'd be careful of doing anything that might have negative consequences for you. A coworker of mine got his tires slashed for wronging a woman. Unfortunately for her, it was caught on camera and she was out of pocket over $1,600 replacing them.

 

What he did was wrong, but not illegal. Just make sure whatever revenge you have in mind is also not illegal.

[LostOnes05]

Sorry this happened to you, Disillusionment. I know all too well how crappy some people can be, as I've encountered a few women like this...say one thing, do another types. I applaud you for not feeding his ego and arguing with him about it. You did the right thing though. People like that are a dime a dozen.

[heartfeltlove]

Im not really sure I follow "the karma I set in motion".

 

That's not how karma works. Karma is not about an eye for an eye and it is not about retaliation physical or otherwise. You cannot initiate someone else's karma .... If you try to do so you are merely creating your own.

 

Best just to just move on with your own life in a positive way

 

This is very interesting to read. I am glad you wrote this. Because I have been reading about this topic lately in some books I have been lent... They're very illuminating. Karma is indeed a process, apparently, that is non-judgemental or decisive. From what I understand, it means action, and can be good or bad and we all do it, and the only karma we can affect is our own.

 

Like I said I'm not hear to debate how I chose to deal with him

 

Walking in on my bf cheating on me is the topic...not how I chose to deal with that fact

You should not even have hinted at it now we are all curious. Walking in on your cheating BF isn't the topic. It's done. You did it. It happened. There's little there to discuss, analyse or prolong. But one thing is sure. You may live to regret your action more than he does his. He didn't care at the time he was cheating on you, so he won't care too much, in the long-run, about what you may have done now. Whatever you have done now, will blow over for him, and you will harbour this memory for a lot longer than he will care to. Reason being, you have experienced this before, so this new incident has merely served to re-ignite the previous sadness, as well as generating a new one. From what I understand, the only karma you can have influence on, is yours. And through revenge and the wish to create difficulty for him, you have created bad Karma for yourself. I hope you will be ok, and recover from this situation. Focus on yourself. The most successful way to live, is free from hate. Hugs.

[Gaeta]

There is just something unnatural about his reaction.

 

Who has cheating sex with unlocked doors.

 

If he didn't want to be caught why he left your communication unanswered.

 

Why did he admit on the spot he was with someone, cheaters usually get lost in excuses.

 

I don't know, a few things aren't checking out.

 

Are you sure there was someone with him?

 

It almost sounds like a set up. How many of you would come to the door and tell your GF or BF Yep! I am with someone.

[Justanaverageguy]

Like I said I'm not hear to debate how I chose to deal with him

 

Walking in on my bf cheating on me is the topic...not how I chose to deal with that fact

 

Sure if we are just focusing on what happened and why it happened. You stated this isn't the first time this has happened. The following perhaps adds a few clues as to possible reasons why this occurred with this particular gentleman.

 

Thats the thing about him...he wasnt overly good looking. He was out of my league in terms of physical attractiveness...so I thought he would feel lucky to have me...he acted humble and genuine...not a charmer or a panty dropper...thats what drew me to him...he wasnt the typical juice head that thinks he can get any girl he wants...he barely went to the gym...thats why I thought I was safe with him...I was so wrong. So I guess even the less attractive guys can still be douche bags???? I dont trust my instincts at all anymore

 

 

Perhaps its just sour grapes because of what happened but your description of him and why you chose to date him is not at all positive. You describe yourself as superior to him in looks and appearance you earlier stated he had terrible communication skills and essentially that you were dating down in order to try and prevent being cheated on. You even state that you assumed he would just feel like he is "lucky to have you".

 

In a relationship dating someone who you feel is less then you because you think they are safe translates into you not valuing them and not putting in appropriate effort or treating them the way you would treat a partner you feel is your equal. These differences can often be subtle and sometimes we don't really even notice we are doing them but we simply don't bring the same passion or enthusiasm to the relationship we normally would. This leads to them feeling neglected\underappreciated and looking to get the intimate attention from other sources.

 

My advice would be to aim for dating someone who you genuinely care about, who you think is your equal and who seems like a good guy as well.

Edited August 10, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

[Lois_Griffin]

Like I said I'm not hear to debate how I chose to deal with him

 

Walking in on my bf cheating on me is the topic...not how I chose to deal with that fact

Well damn. Can't you at least record it when it happens and upload it to YouTube so we can watch it too?

[Larryville]

Perhaps its just sour grapes because of what happened but your description of him and why you chose to date him is not at all positive. You describe yourself as superior to him in looks and appearance you earlier stated he had terrible communication skills and essentially that you were dating down in order to try and prevent being cheated on. You even state that you assumed he would just feel like he is "lucky to have you".

 

In a relationship dating someone who you feel is less then you because you think they are safe translates into you not valuing them and not putting in appropriate effort or treating them the way you would treat a partner you feel is your equal. These differences can often be subtle and sometimes we don't really even notice we are doing them but we simply don't bring the same passion or enthusiasm to the relationship we normally would. This leads to them feeling neglected\underappreciated and looking to get the intimate attention from other sources.

 

My advice would be to aim for dating someone who you genuinely care about, who you think is your equal and who seems like a good guy as well

 

I think the part here about you not valuing HIM is important. When people don’t value you, whether that is in a work situation, family situation or a relationship you instinctively know. Kinda like a middle child who feels isolated. People who don’t feel valued (taken for granted) will act out one way or another.

 

I guess I'm just wondering how I could be so fooled by him...

 

Since this thread will likely be moved to the cheating thread pile, while I have never been cheated on, nor have cheated on anyone I always wonder are their specific characteristics (people who keep getting cheated on) have? Even the most beautiful women on the planet get cheated on.

 

Attractive women are easy targets, men are ego driven and will use a woman’s beauty to elevate their own status. Attractive women are “adored” all the time so they become complacent in how to read people.

 

I don’t know but maybe because attractive women don’t have to work on EQ as you stated yourself you get complacent in relationships and devalue your partner

Also attractive women attractive attract narcissistic men, regardless of his exterior.

 

Beauty will never make a man committed to you. Bottom line if a man who’s excited to be with a hot woman, because she’s stunning can get even more excited to be with another fresher hotter woman.

 

Other aspects of who you are as a full person must evolve or you will continue to get cheated on, this goes for ALL women who has been cheated on.

 

Sorry Dis, don’t mean to sound preachy… sorry this happened to you, just processing trying to get perspective.

[Kamille]

While Dis has made a lot of problematic statements, I don't think it's fair to say that it's her fault that he cheated on her.

 

She didn't plant that other person into his bed. If he was unhappy, he should have spoken up or broken up.

 

Sorry this happened Dis. Whatever happened to your desire to be alone for awhile?

[Imajerk17]

While Dis has made a lot of problematic statements, I don't think it's fair to say that it's her fault that he cheated on her.

 

She didn't plant that other person into his bed. If he was unhappy, he should have spoken up or broken up.

 

Sorry this happened Dis. Whatever happened to your desire to be alone for awhile?

 

I was thinking the very same thing, Kamille.

 

A month ago you (OP) were dating what seemed like a great guy. You broke up with him because "you needed a break from dating", only to wind up here.

 

I do hope you will consider this statement: When it comes to your dating life, it still seems less like you're the one taking responsibility, and more like things "just happen to you", like you're this leaf blowing in the breeze. Your behaviour does seem rather erratic at times, this thread illustrating it perfectly. It's something that still seems to hold true with you, although you have gotten better in that regard.

[CryForNoOne]

Ugh. Here we go again. This is what I hate about LS sometimes. The OP repeatedly asked not to discuss how she's going to deal with him, but people keep bringing it up. Then the judgment begins because she's dating someone not as good looking as she is. If he was super hot, then the comments would be "that's what you get for being superficial..." Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

[Larryville]

I don't think it's fair to say that it's her fault that he cheated on her.

 

K I want to be clear I’m not “blaming her” for being cheated on. She asked the question how she could be fooled by him.

 

If he was unhappy, he should have spoken up or broken up

 

I know this sounds kinda nuts but someone cheating many times has nothing to do with someone being “unhappy” specifically.

 

“cheating” is complex because the definition varies so widely from person to person. This case of course is clear but there are always deeper issues and factors that go on.

[CryForNoOne]

Thats the thing about him...he wasnt overly good looking. He was out of my league in terms of physical attractiveness...so I thought he would feel lucky to have me...he acted humble and genuine...not a charmer or a panty dropper...thats what drew me to him...he wasnt the typical juice head that thinks he can get any girl he wants...he barely went to the gym...thats why I thought I was safe with him...I was so wrong. So I guess even the less attractive guys can still be douche bags???? I dont trust my instincts at all anymore

 

And yes I'm moving on...the karma I set in motion will deal with him...I dont need to know his reasoning...I had my closure when I walked in on him with another woman

 

From your description, he definitely sounds like a wolf in sheep's clothing. He is probably very insecure and dating you gave him a big ego boost. In a way, because you were "out of his league", it may have given him the confidence to act out selfishly in ways you've never seen before. Sadly, many people are nice because they have to be, not because they really are genuine. That's why the real keepers are the ones that have a lot going for them but are still kind to others. This was the ugly part of the human psyche that was so brilliantly explored in Being John Malkovich.

[Grisho]

Is this the man you previously ended things with, told us you were completely over and happy to be without, and told us wasn't concerned when you told him you wanted to end it? If it's the same one, who initiated the "getting back together" and why?

 

On a separate note, I don't really understand why you flip-flop so much from 2 extremes:

-You're taking a break from dating and are 100% happy alone etc etc

-You're exclusive with someone and hurt that they're cheating etc etc

 

It's really hard to follow your trail of thought, and I'm not sure what value our advice has, until you settle on a direction yourself (preferably a direction, at least, forwards, so you don't revert back to an unsuitable ex).