ErinSeMa Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Long story short, found my ex on a dating site when we were in a relationship. He was going through something at the time, lost his job and some other financial burdens, and I guess he said he just wanted to find someone to talk with. Well, I gave him a second chance and was there for him and everything. Basically we are trying to connect again by talking everyday, taking things slow in the past 2.5 month since he "cheated". He also promised to hop off/delete any dating websites. I am trying to rebuild my trust on him during this time. Anyways, I asked my friend the other day if I should just go ahead and give him a second chance. She said I have to make sure he's loyal first and honest before anything. Well, I know as bad as it sounds...I looked him up and saw that he was on a few dating sites. It wasn't active since June, but my stupid self decided to login his email to check (He never changed his email despite me finding out in the first place). I KNOW IT'S BAD. BUT I found something. Worst thing is, I found out that he's been opening emails from dating websites, although not using the sites, even way before things started happening to him and early on in the relationship. I guess he found out that I looked, but he changed his password and have went MIA on me in the past four days. So..yeah. Guess he did the wrong thing but now the blame is on me. I'm probably the crazy ex girlfriend now. Should I reach out and talk it out, since I really need closure, or should I just go NC? Did I really did a bad thing? 1
Author ErinSeMa Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 Why would you have him back? I don't want to have him back but I also don't want him to think I'm this crazy, controlling ex because I am not.
stillafool Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Your contacting him isn't going to change his mind if he thinks you are a crazy, controlling ex. He will base that on your snooping and it's already done and you can't take it back. Just move on because now you know. 4
Author ErinSeMa Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 He is an Ex for a reason. Keep it that way.... Left some stuff at his place so I needed to see him when he comes back for the semester. Also, I want to know why and have closure! 1
CarrieT Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Left some stuff at his place so I needed to see him when he comes back for the semester. First off, it is just STUFF. It is all replaceable. Contacting him for stuff is a reason to re-open communication... Also, I want to know why and have closure! Closure comes from within. Read through these forums to understand that the "why" is never important. You don't get closure from anyone other than just walking away with your head held high. 7
Gaeta Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Left some stuff at his place so I needed to see him when he comes back for the semester. Also, I want to know why and have closure! Forget the stuff you have at his place it's just material. I am sure it's not family jewelry. And about closure you have it. He cheated. What do you want him to tell you? He lied, cheated, mislead you, betrayed you...isn't that enough closure? 5
DramaInPajamas Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I don't want to have him back but I also don't want him to think I'm this crazy, controlling ex because I am not. Who cares what he thinks? An ex is an ex. I did some crazy stuff in break ups when I was younger and I was embarrassed by it, now I no longer care about I doubt they do either. 3
DramaInPajamas Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Forget the stuff you have at his place it's just material. I am sure it's not family jewelry. And about closure you have it. He cheated. What do you want him to tell you? He lied, cheated, mislead you, betrayed you...isn't that enough closure? Yup! And if you need/want your stuff back, send him a pre-paid envelope, you dont even need direct contact to get it back. 3
Lois_Griffin Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Left some stuff at his place so I needed to see him when he comes back for the semester. Also, I want to know why and have closure! Stop making excuses to hang onto this guy like grim death. It's pitiful and degrading as hell. There's no mystical, magical "why" behind his behavior - other than he's a scumbag. He's a sleazy little opportunist whose always on the hunt for an opportunity and has no desire to truly commit to anyone. He lied to you and claimed that's what he wanted but a lot of cheaters do that - they like having a main woman and a bunch of other women on the side to screw around with. He's not unique. There are plenty out there just like him. He'll do it to the next girl he fools into a 'committed' relationship until she finds out what a low life he is and the cycle will just keep repeating itself with the next girl after her, and the next one and the next one..... That's who he IS. There's no deep, psychological 'why' for his sleazy behavior - except for the fact that he's a moral-less pig. 6
jen1447 Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Your need for closure is understandable but you'll never really get it from him w his MO, most likely. It can work for ppl who are fundamentally honest, but not so much otherwise. If you want to make the best 'not crazy ex' impression, don't contact him. That's what a not-crazy ex would do given the circumstances. 4
Gloria25 Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I don't want to have him back but I also don't want him to think I'm this crazy, controlling ex because I am not. My fav podcaster says that she doesn't care about what people who she doesn't respect/esteem think of her. In other words, he's a cheating scumbag. Who cares if he thinks that you're Norman Bates, Fatal Attraction, etc.? I don't value opinions from scumbags and neither should you. 3
JewelD Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Snooping never gives anyone peace of mind. If you go looking for something, you'll find it. But you obviously didn't trust him (for obvious reasons) so getting back with him should have never been on the table. It doesn't really matter what he thinks, although if you take back a cheater, it's likely they'll continue with the behavior since there are no real consequences. Even now that you have caught him doing the same thing twice, you're still worried about him and trying to seek validation from him. He's a POS, accept it and move on to another guy. If you try to meet with him and he attempts to smooth things over, do you think you would be strong enough to say no? Why even tempt yourself? He doesn't deserve your time or energy. 4
Gloria25 Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Your need for closure is understandable but you'll never really get it from him w his MO, most likely. It can work for ppl who are fundamentally honest, but not so much otherwise. If you want to make the best 'not crazy ex' impression, don't contact him. That's what a not-crazy ex would do given the circumstances. Wait, wait...what closure? I can understand needing closure if someone ghosts/fades, and/or sent you mixed signals...or, even if you just wanna learn what went wrong so you don't carry that into another RL. But there's no mystery with this guy. He wanted to play the field. No closure needed. If he did it to her, he'd do it to another chick. Some people are just greedy. They could be with Halle Berry and still be chasing strange 2
Gloria25 Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Snooping never gives anyone peace of mind. If you go looking for something, you'll find it. But you obviously didn't trust him (for obvious reasons) so getting back with him should have never been on the table. It doesn't really matter what he thinks, although if you take back a cheater, it's likely they'll continue with the behavior since there are no real consequences. Even now that you have caught him doing the same thing twice, you're still worried about him and trying to seek validation from him. He's a POS, accept it and move on to another guy. If you try to meet with him and he attempts to smooth things over, do you think you would be strong enough to say no? Why even tempt yourself? He doesn't deserve your time or energy. Yep, if you have to snoop, then it's over...just break up. Cuz unless you're a paranoid person, if someone's conduct is enough to make you feel you gotta snoop, you're probably gonna find something. 3
Ami1uwant Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 You aren't innocent in this...... Him searching for someone new is likely something he didn't feel with you or there were problems he felt in the relationship. The problem here likely was in communication between you two. 2
Satu Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I don't want to have him back but *I also don't want him to think I'm this crazy, controlling ex because I am not. It doesn't matter what he thinks of you. What matters is what you think of yourself. 4
MissBee Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 I don't want to have him back but I also don't want him to think I'm this crazy, controlling ex because I am not. The irony here is that there is a level of being controlling here in terms of trying to control how he thinks of you. I get it. Many of us have been there and it's about having the last word, which is about control. For one, we cannot control people's perception, even when you're the model person, an ex can distort your image in their own minds for their own purposes, so as long as you are accepting of your choices and mistakes, that's what matters, not trying to make sure they see you in a particular light in the end. Also, even if he thinks you'r crazy and controlling, he's a lying cheater, so does he really have moral grounds to stand on? Ask yourself why the opinion of a lying cheater would matter? Sure...I don't advocate snooping in emails, but it's not that much worse than what he was actually doing. You didn't trust him, and for good reason, and should really have never attempted to give him a second chance...if you are just dating and your bf is stressed and cannot talk to you but needs to go on dating sites to talk to random women supposedly....there is nowhere else to go except exiting stage left IMO. The deed is done. You saw the truth. He can think whatever he wants. Closure is a myth, just go NC and you'll be pleasantly surprised that you truly do feel that sense of closure eventually without rehashing things with your likely unwilling and unable ex. 1
juniorrocha Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 It doesn't really matter if the blame is on you or on him. The thing here is that you were tired of not trusting him and he was tired of you not being able to trust. Even if it's his fault for the trust issues in the relationship, people get tired of having to deal with their own guilt. You looking up his e-mail was a way to rub on his face that you do not trust him. And yes, even when you're guilty, it hurts to know that you aren't trustworthy. Sometimes you're trying your best. But sometimes your best is not enough. Then again, not saying it's your fault. You had your reasons, and you wanted to discover the truth, which is: you guys are over, because there's no trust. And there is the closure you need. Accept that and start moving on. Take this from a guy whose relationship ended for the same reason. I still carried it for a year. Only to find out that nop, doesn't matter what she did, I would never fully trust her. If your stuff is important, tell him to mail them, ask/pay someone to pick them up for you, but avoid too much contact with him. If you don't need it, then whatever. Hope you're well.
stillafool Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 She will contact him because she wants him back. She is hoping that when he sees her he will beg for her to come back to him. He is already expecting her to do this and she will comply. She is still desperate for his attention.
kendahke Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 Left some stuff at his place so I needed to see him when he comes back for the semester. if you've lived without it all this time, you don't need it. Buy new stuff to replace it. Also, I want to know why and have closure! "Closure" is a myth. He's not going to tell you what you want to hear to your satisfaction because he's not who he's been purporting himself to be all this time. I mean, seriously--what's he going to say to make what he's done OK with you? He's been chasing skirt the entire time you two have been involved with one another. He's your ex, anyway, so leave it and him. Surely you have better prospects elsewhere?
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