cc_zero Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 (edited) So we are 5 months out of D-Day. I've had a couple outburts but otherwise were doing well. A few days ago was her AP's (who is AW) birthday, I've obviously read how birthdays/holidays are some of the hardest times to deal with NC. Therefore I was being extra vigilant about her comings/goings/interactions etc. Anyways, I found in her FB activity log that she liked 3 posts. They were posts from her AP's best friend and both her APs parents that were essentially happy birthday posts to her AP. The AP herself is blocked. I obviously brought this up, as I believe it was wrong, disrespectful and believe she was hiding it from me, knowing I was not friends with these people and didn't think I would see it. She already feels like her life it on lockdown, which is her own fault, but she didn't like me bringing this up and claimed I never said no contact with these people, just that should could never speak to or contact her AP again. Which I obviously disagreed with stating that it should just be obvious that doing such a thing is wrong. She in response deleted her entire facebook account and is all mopey and barely talking to me. Am I being overly controlling and getting angry over something small, or is this a legitimate issue that should have had an obvious outcome when I found out? Edited August 9, 2016 by cc_zero
Lobe Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 So we are 5 months out of D-Day. I've had a couple outburts but otherwise were doing well. A few days ago was her AP's (who is AW) birthday, I've obviously read how birthdays/holidays are some of the hardest times to deal with NC. Therefore I was being extra vigilant about her comings/goings/interactions etc. Anyways, I found in her FB activity log that she liked 3 posts. They were posts from her AP's best friend and both her APs parents that were essentially happy birthday posts to her AP. The AP herself is blocked. I obviously brought this up, as I believe it was wrong, disrespectful and believe she was hiding it from me, knowing I was not friends with these people and didn't think I would see it. She already feels like her life it on lockdown, which is her own fault, but she didn't like me bringing this up and claimed I never said no contact with these people, just that should could never speak to or contact her AP again. Which I obviously disagreed with stating that it should just be obvious that doing such a thing is wrong. She in response deleted her entire facebook account and is all mopey and barely talking to me. Am I being overly controlling and getting angry over something small, or is this a legitimate issue that should have had an obvious outcome when I found out? Sounds like maybe she was sending smoke signals. No contact means no contact, in my books. She needs to understand and respect that or all bets are off. 9
NTV Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 If she's looking at it as Lockdown there's a good chance you should walk away or at least threaten to... No you're not wrong for pointing out her Shady crap. Or being angry about it. And yes she is wrong for having Shady crap to begin with. What real benefit are you getting out of the relationship right now having to play Sherlock Holmes? Or parent? She's an adult she's not stupid she knows what she did. 15 years from now when you're looking back thinking about the great love of your life is it going to be her? Does she want it to be? 6
ladydesigner Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 So we are 5 months out of D-Day. I've had a couple outburts but otherwise were doing well. A few days ago was her AP's (who is AW) birthday, I've obviously read how birthdays/holidays are some of the hardest times to deal with NC. Therefore I was being extra vigilant about her comings/goings/interactions etc. Anyways, I found in her FB activity log that she liked 3 posts. They were posts from her AP's best friend and both her APs parents that were essentially happy birthday posts to her AP. The AP herself is blocked. I obviously brought this up, as I believe it was wrong, disrespectful and believe she was hiding it from me, knowing I was not friends with these people and didn't think I would see it. She already feels like her life it on lockdown, which is her own fault, but she didn't like me bringing this up and claimed I never said no contact with these people, just that should could never speak to or contact her AP again. Which I obviously disagreed with stating that it should just be obvious that doing such a thing is wrong. She in response deleted her entire facebook account and is all mopey and barely talking to me. Am I being overly controlling and getting angry over something small, or is this a legitimate issue that should have had an obvious outcome when I found out? First of all you are only 5 months out from Dday so you are still reeling from this. There should be NC with these people. Your WW thought she was sly but got caught and no you are not overreacting. She liked a happy birthday post to her AP and THAT is not innocent. As far as how she feels about it and her life being on lockdown? Boo f**king hoo 3
Author cc_zero Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 (edited) Sounds like maybe she was sending smoke signals. No contact means no contact, in my books. She needs to understand and respect that or all bets are off. I don't think it was a smoke signal. I know for a fact her AP is blocked, so would not have been able to see it and she knows that. Also, her AP rarely uses facebook at all. I think she gets mopey and angry because we make progress and are doing well, then a blow up. But in this case it's her fault there was one at all. Before I would have argued it makes no sense to shut off facebook, just block the people that obviously need blocked, but I refuse to argue with her about it not making sense. I just needed some re-assurance that I'm in the right here. I suppose I just let her mope. I did kind of blow up and say some angry stuff to her, I appologized for yelling and saying some mean things, but refused to appologize for bringing it up. Edited August 9, 2016 by cc_zero
NTV Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 There's a bigger issue here that you're not seeing... if she thinks of this stuff like it's locked down then.... if she wasn't in lockdown what would she be doing? Not doing this stuff should be volunteered because she wants to remain with you. This isn't reconciliation. This is her on hiatus. 8
Mr. Lucky Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I obviously brought this up, as I believe it was wrong, disrespectful and believe she was hiding it from me, knowing I was not friends with these people and didn't think I would see it. Of course it's disrespectful, as is any communication related to her affair and AP. The N in NC means "no". Real progress will have been made when she's explaining this to you, rather than the other way around... Mr. Lucky 5
aileD Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 not to cause any problems here, but I thought if you blocked someone on facebook you didn't see anything from them, like other people wishing them happy birthday (unless they didn't tag them?)
Lobe Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I don't think it was a smoke signal. I know for a fact her AP is blocked, so would not have been able to see it and she knows that. Also, her AP rarely uses facebook at all. I can view my the profile of my husband's xOW by simply logging in via one of my kids' accounts or using google search, because her privacy settings are set low. If her xOM knows that he is blocked he can use the same workaround. I have blocked and rerouted searches for my husband's xOW on our computer so that if he searches for her name or blog it automatically goes to a youtube video of our wedding song. I know the static IP address from her home computer and I can monitor when she accesses my work website and can trace if emails are from there but if she is on her mobile or using a proxy server or accessing free wifi then I can't stop her from having some kind of access. Regardless, you can set reasonable boundaries and I think if she is willing to turn off her FB then you should let her - it's a tool to help her stay NC.
Lobe Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 not to cause any problems here, but I thought if you blocked someone on facebook you didn't see anything from them, like other people wishing them happy birthday (unless they didn't tag them?) This is a good question. I know from running my business website that people who are blocked from one another can't see each other's names in groups, they just show up as "user" but I'm not sure if that's the same on a private page. Again, is it relevant? She is "liking" birthday wishes to her alleged xAP. If the AP's best friend had posted they got a new kitty of the parents had announced they were going to Italy, THAT would be OK to "like" but his birthday wishes? Not ok at all. 1
DKT3 Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 CC it seems like she knows your expectations, it also seems like she is pushing the limits. You can't force of impose your will on an unwilling adult. I would suggest that you work on yourself and focus on your healing. She has to come meet you, you can't want it for both of you. Truth is, and as hard as it may be you have to allow her space to prove herself either loyal or disloyal. Keep an eye on her but you can't become a parent. 1
BettyDraper Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 There's a bigger issue here that you're not seeing... if she thinks of this stuff like it's locked down then.... if she wasn't in lockdown what would she be doing? Not doing this stuff should be volunteered because she wants to remain with you. This isn't reconciliation. This is her on hiatus. This. A WS who truly wants to reconcile will gladly adhere to any conditions set by the BS. She shouldn't be resenting the restrictions or disobeying them. OP, I don't have a great feeling about your marriage if your wife is going behind your back and contacting those in her AP's circle. 1
Whoknew30 Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 What's the back story to this? Of course she shouldn't be liking a happy bday post to her ExAP but how does she know the family so well? Just by the A or did she know them previously? If she only knows them through A that would be weird to still be friends but if she knew them before that's a bit different.
Whoknew30 Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 (edited) This. A WS who truly wants to reconcile will gladly adhere to any conditions set by the BS. She shouldn't be resenting the restrictions or disobeying them. OP, I don't have a great feeling about your marriage if your wife is going behind your back and contacting those in her AP's circle. I don't know about this..."disobeying" that is more what you say about a child, not an adult. There are such things as boundaries but if someone is going to continue to cheat they're going to do it no matter what & just be smarter about it. A lot of people in false reconciliation "obey"...it's about mutual understanding & respect..not putting "restriction" on a spouse. It's just not how you save a marriage. Edited August 9, 2016 by Whoknew30 Spell check
kgcolonel Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 CC, her actions would suggest she wants to do the bare minimum to meet the bar....doesn't sound too remorseful. I am of the mind that I would tell her that if she wants to wish him a Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy Halloween etc....she is free to do so....as a single lady. I also think she should know how close to the flame she is flying and if she wants out....a mere word is all it takes. She's testing you on this.... 1
ladydesigner Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I don't know about this..."disobeying" that is more what you say about a child, not an adult. There are such things as boundaries but if someone is going to continue to cheat they're going to do it no matter what & just be smarter about it. A lot of people in false reconciliation "obey"...it's about mutual understanding & respect..not putting "restriction" on a spouse. It's just not how you save a marriage. I understand what you are saying here Whoknew30 but if the WS does not 'obey' the boundaries that the BS has set forth there is no M. Mutual understanding and respect is not breaking NC because you want to save your M.
NTV Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Obey is the wrong word here anyway but the intent is the same. Most folks don't need to be told that killin' someone is illegal not to do it. Natural intent to do right by folks you care about is really the crux here. She sees the pain she causes and instead of looking to comfort and help and repair she's fighting a boundary that the common sense of a child would naturally.... eh you get point. I'm not here to get on a soapbox. I feel for ya. I'm betting you're hoping she's gonna open her eyes and really see what she's done... but five months already passed. Maybe her eyes aren't the ones that need opened. I said you didn't see it in my last post but I didn't consider that it might be you don't want to see it because you would have to face what it might mean. Course I've been known to be wrong lol and if I am no worries. No one is judging you here and most of us who have responded know what it's like to be where you are. Wishing you strength! 2
TrustedthenBusted Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 If my wife did that, I would be out. The rules are very simple. Rule #1. I get to decide, now, and for the rest of forever, what I do or do not consider breaking NC. Rule #2. Rule #1 is final. 5
heartwhole Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 I've totally been where you are in terms of feeling like the "bad guy" and questioning myself because my WS is acting all put out and victimized. But you are absolutely right here. There's no reason for your wife to be FB friends with the OW's family. And if she doesn't have the judgment to understand that and monitor herself, then deleting FB is the only sensible way to make sure smoke signals like this don't happen again. FB is not a life necessity. My husband has the self-pity gene too, but he's just got to suck it up because I don't have an ounce of pity for self-inflicted suffering. As for deleting FB entirely, that sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face. I'm guessing she thought it would soften you, or at least she could play the victim card. I don't know. That seems like it reveals some of the dysfunctions in your relationship, that she thought (somewhat correctly it seems) that making a big show of deleting FB would win her points with you. A remorseful spouse would apologize for how liking the posts hurt you and offer sincerely to delete FB or come up with some other mutually agreed upon way to create stricter boundaries with it. A remorseful spouse does not yell, "Well fine then I'm deleting F'ing FB!!!! Don't you feel bad now!!!!" 3
bubbaganoosh Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 Stay the course. If you give an inch, then next time she'll want a foot and so on. If she's truly remorseful then she'll avoid at all costs anything that is even a slight reminder. If she gets bent of of shape about the rules you set, then ask her how she would deal with it if you were the one who lied, cheated and disrespected her and the marriage. If she says that it would be OK to comment or "like" on FB then she's a flat out liar. Chances are you would be living someplace else and you should let her know that.
Friskyone4u Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 CC, The red flag here is her feeling she is on lockdown. Sorry, but cheating on your spouse has some consequences and until she accepts and understands why she is on lockdown ( she is not trustworthy), she will continue to be mopey. She needs to accept that it is her job to become a safe partner for you, not your job to accept whatever she wants to do. I will also tell you, that I believe if you read most of the literature, the WS that RESIST the no contact, break it, refuse total transparency or break it, are much more likely to be a repeat offender. So I think you are totally in the right here and should not back down on your definition of NC or any other expectations. 2
Betrayed&Stayed Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 Am I being overly controlling and getting angry over something small, or is this a legitimate issue that should have had an obvious outcome when I found out? No. I would be livid if I were in your situation. Obviously your WW is "liking" the posts as an indirect way of wishing AP a Happy Birthday. She wants the AP to see that she liked the posts. Sounds like your WW is still pining for her AP and resents the new boundaries. A truly remorseful spouse would not actively seek out ways to indirectly communicate with the ex-AP on social media. For me, this would be a huge red flag and a potential deal-breaker. It would make me question if she was acting in good faith towards reconciliation or just going along with it reluctantly. 1
Author cc_zero Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 I can view my the profile of my husband's xOW by simply logging in via one of my kids' accounts or using google search, because her privacy settings are set low. If her xOM knows that he is blocked he can use the same workaround. I have blocked and rerouted searches for my husband's xOW on our computer so that if he searches for her name or blog it automatically goes to a youtube video of our wedding song. I know the static IP address from her home computer and I can monitor when she accesses my work website and can trace if emails are from there but if she is on her mobile or using a proxy server or accessing free wifi then I can't stop her from having some kind of access. Regardless, you can set reasonable boundaries and I think if she is willing to turn off her FB then you should let her - it's a tool to help her stay NC. This is interesting info and helpful for me to know. I'll look into doing that. And yes, she turned it off on her own. I stated what I thought about it, but I'm not arguing with her over it. If she wants to shut it completely off, fine.
Author cc_zero Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 CC it seems like she knows your expectations, it also seems like she is pushing the limits. You can't force of impose your will on an unwilling adult. I would suggest that you work on yourself and focus on your healing. She has to come meet you, you can't want it for both of you. Truth is, and as hard as it may be you have to allow her space to prove herself either loyal or disloyal. Keep an eye on her but you can't become a parent. yes, I think this is probably the direction I'm heading. I think at this point, laying off and looking like I just might move on is probably the best way to go. For my own sanity, just to make sure I'm not being played a fool.. I GPS'ed her car. Outside of that, I think I may just stop snooping (even though I'm allowed to, as she agreed to open book life policy), and just refocus.
Author cc_zero Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 A couple points to throw in here. The AP is a woman. My wife was with her on and off over 2 years. This woman used to come to our house often, eat dinner with my family, her parents have visited us for gods sake. It's a very unusual situation, not the typical for sure. It's all the more difficult because I could not follow the everyone should know about it rule. For one, I don't want everyone to know about it and 2 it would almost be cruel and unusual punishment to out her affair with a woman to everyone. Second point, the AP partner is BLOCKED on facebook, she cannot see anything my wife likes or posts there. I know she's blocked for a fact, especially because I check often and you cannot re-block someone for 48 hours if you unblock them. The AP also rarely uses facebook, I also know this for a fact. What she did was wrong and I have clearly stated that to her, she has voluntarily just shut down her entire facebook account but is not happy about it. She doesn't think it was nearly as wrong as I do simply because I never specifically stated NC with the parents (who I personally know as well.. again complicated situation) and the friend. She knows and I know that the AP wouldn't see it, so I had to go as far as explaining/asking her... if I was sitting right next to you watching when you liked those posts, do you think I would get upset? And of course the answer is yes.... so why the **** did you do it... and really the answer is that she didn't think I would see it, she just won't say that. Anyways, she knows i'm not happy about it, ... she shut down her facebook account and isn't happy about that and me yelling at her. So I think I'll take some advice here and just back away for awhile.
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