shy_actor Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 (edited) My ex-GF and I had a baby a little over 2 years ago. The pregnancy was an accident but I was in love with her at the time and she wanted to keep the baby so I tried to make it work. It was the worst decision (or non-decision) of my life. I should have insisted on an abortion. She is bi-polar so she is either the sweetest girl on Earth or a total b!tch. Nothing in between. Our relationship basically ended last July when she had a total meltdown and started smashing things and kicking and scratching me. I called the police and because I had minor scratches and bruises they arrested he for felony domestic violence. The bail was $50K so I would have had to pay $5K on a credit card to bail her out, which I didn't have. She basically accused me of letting her rot in jail and never forgave me for that. We tried reconciling and were off and on for the next 9 months. She has our daughter almost all of the time so I've been directly paying her rent, car payments, and groceries since October and have given her over $15K in child support. I didn't find out until a few months ago that she also filed with state so now they are after me for another $3K which is total BS. She won't sign a paper stating I've already given her $15K so as far as the state is concerned, I've paid her nothing. I need to go to court to prove it, which I can do easily, but it's so $h!tty of her to make me do that. It will cost me more time and money. To make matters worse, if I take away her car (which I own and pay for), I have no way to see my daughter except to drive 10 hours each weekend which just isn't practical with my work schedule. She's basically extorting money out of me and using our daughter as leverage. I've been trying to avoid a nasty legal fight but she's basically giving me no option. Anyway, we broke up for good in April. Since then, she has hooked up with a new guy. They moved in together about a month ago, which she denies. And now I just found out from her sister that she is pregnant again. WTF! Not only that, she says the poor guy is being torn to pieces because she wants to keep the baby and he doesn't. I've never met him, bear no ill will, and actually feel sorry for him because I know exactly what he is going through. The last 2.5 years of my life have been a living h3ll because of this woman. Do I contact him and warn him that keeping the baby was the biggest mistake of my life? She's very beautiful and seductive and uses it to get away with murder. But Jesus, how many fvking kids is she going to have, and how many guys' lives is she going to ruin... Edited August 9, 2016 by shy_actor 1
Toodaloo Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Probably lots... This new guy? You do know if you say anything he will go on the defensive and will be more likely to keep the child don't you? Then in 2 1/2 years time he will be right where you are...
PegNosePete Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 She's basically extorting money out of me and using our daughter as leverage. Unfortunately this is a very common thing. she wants to keep the baby and he doesn't. Do I contact him and warn him that keeping the baby was the biggest mistake of my life? What difference will that make? Even if he decides he wants her to have an abortion, she is under no obligation to go along with what he says. A man can't make a woman that he got pregnant have an abortion, just because he wants her to. She, the mother, does have a say you know? 1
No_Go Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I think it is none of your business whether they'll keep the child or not. Don't intervene because you'd get the blame in any case...It is cruel but true. 2
preraph Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 No. What you WANT is for her to find a new man so she'll quit bothering you. So the only concern you should have is if you have reason to believe any of them are dangerous. You need to take custody of the child at least 50 percent of the time, and if you do, you won't even have to pay as much child support. And yes, take receipts, bank statements, etc. to the court. Don't worry. You'll tell him what happens with her, how volatile she is. But be prepared to take care of your baby half the time and let the judge know to do that because you work, will require some day-care expenses. But the child needs you as a steadying influence, so don't do the easy thing and let her have full custody, which will also cost you a lot. Good luck.
SevenCity Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Unfortunately this is a very common thing. What difference will that make? Even if he decides he wants her to have an abortion, she is under no obligation to go along with what he says. A man can't make a woman that he got pregnant have an abortion, just because he wants her to. She, the mother, does have a say you know? Funny how that works. Yet the guy is on the hook for the bill.... Op - I feel for your dilemma but coming from an ex he likely won't listen. Maybe you can talk to one of his friends?
PegNosePete Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Funny how that works. Yet the guy is on the hook for the bill.... Yes, if you don't want to pay 25% of your salary to raise a child then put a rain hat on it. 5
smackie9 Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Funny how that works. Yet the guy is on the hook for the bill.... All a guy has to do is wear a condom and make sure she injects herself with a spermicide or use the sponge........men need to take accountability for birth control too....shouldn't just the woman's problem. If the guy doesn't want to ever be on the hook for the bill, make it permanent, and reverse it later if need be. 3
Standard-Fare Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Unfortunately it's not really your business, and you get no say, over how the new guy handles this situation. And in fact, interfering here could come back to haunt you through more nastiness in court - it's not going to look great if your ex has evidence of you saying things like "Having this child was the worst mistake of my life" and encouraging the new guy to pursue an abortion. I do understand your instinct to reach out to him, though. I don't advise it... but if you do go forward..you'd want to find the most restrained, neutral approach possible. So nothing like "This girl's a raging b*tch, run from your life" ... but more like "As the father of her child, I can offer some perspective here on how this has played out legally and financially for me. If you ever want to talk about that, you're free to be in touch." Avoid a paper trail wherever possible.
Author shy_actor Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 What difference will that make? Even if he decides he wants her to have an abortion, she is under no obligation to go along with what he says. A man can't make a woman that he got pregnant have an abortion, just because he wants her to. She, the mother, does have a say you know? I know that. She told me she had an abortion when she was 19 and she was very traumatized by it. She said she'd go through with an abortion if I insisted but that she'd likely never want to see me again. Stupid me for backing off. I've beaten myself up over and over for allowing her to be so manipulative, but now I know I'm not the only idi0t who can so easily fall prey to her charms. I'm sure she is giving him the same EXACT line...
kendahke Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 No. Your time is better spent getting full custody from this unbalanced, unstable person. 2
Author shy_actor Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 All a guy has to do is wear a condom and make sure she injects herself with a spermicide or use the sponge........men need to take accountability for birth control too....shouldn't just the woman's problem. If the guy doesn't want to ever be on the hook for the bill, make it permanent, and reverse it later if need be. We'd been exclusive for quite some time and I hate wearing condoms. She would take the morning after pill if we thought there was any chance she got pregnant. But she b!tched so much about feeling sick after taking it that I'd say nothing if she thought she didn't need it. But who knows what she was thinking. She's been lying so much since we broke up, I wouldn't put anything past her anymore though...
elaine567 Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Stay out of it, it is none of your business now, you split up in April. She is pregnant, if she keeps the baby he is liable to pay for it, what good will you intervening do? It is not his decision to make, it is hers. All you need to be is a great father and getting involved here will further sour relations with your ex, that may feel good atm but, I pity your poor daughter as she is the one that will ultimately be hurt here. Feuding parents are a nightmare. 1
Toodaloo Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I know that. She told me she had an abortion when she was 19 and she was very traumatized by it. She said she'd go through with an abortion if I insisted but that she'd likely never want to see me again. Stupid me for backing off. I've beaten myself up over and over for allowing her to be so manipulative, but now I know I'm not the only idi0t who can so easily fall prey to her charms. I'm sure she is giving him the same EXACT line... and We'd been exclusive for quite some time and I hate wearing condoms. She would take the morning after pill if we thought there was any chance she got pregnant. But she b!tched so much about feeling sick after taking it that I'd say nothing if she thought she didn't need it. But who knows what she was thinking. She's been lying so much since we broke up, I wouldn't put anything past her anymore though... so you are one of "those" guys and she is one of "those" girls... Disaster made in the Acme factory if ever I heard one... Put a hat on it. Take control of where your sperms goes. You are an example of what happens when you poke the crazy... Congratulations! You now have 18+ years of hell ahead! 4
Author shy_actor Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 No. Your time is better spent getting full custody from this unbalanced, unstable person. I've seriously considered that, but again I feel blackmailed here. I love my daughter but don't want her 100% of the time. I'd basically have to give up my acting career as I see no way to make ends meet, watch her all the time, and continuing acting. Being on call for auditions means little or no notice to hire a sitter. I've been in a few TV shows and films and they almost always involve travel and really long hours on set. It just doesn't work unless you already have $$$ which I don't. For the first time, I made good money last year on acting alone, but I'd be throwing away all that momentum if I quit now. Option 2 is to cut all ties with my daughter, which is what mom wants. Option 3 is shared custody, which she is making a total nightmare. All three choices have horrible consequences for me in some way...
Author shy_actor Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 and so you are one of "those" guys and she is one of "those" girls... Disaster made in the Acme factory if ever I heard one... Put a hat on it. Take control of where your sperms goes. You are an example of what happens when you poke the crazy... Congratulations! You now have 18+ years of hell ahead! And it seems she met another one of "those" guys. It took them only 3 months. At least I made it 6 months...
Author shy_actor Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 Stay out of it, it is none of your business now, you split up in April. She is pregnant, if she keeps the baby he is liable to pay for it, what good will you intervening do? It is not his decision to make, it is hers. All you need to be is a great father and getting involved here will further sour relations with your ex, that may feel good atm but, I pity your poor daughter as she is the one that will ultimately be hurt here. Feuding parents are a nightmare. Yup. I agree. As I was writing this I realized that I should stay out of it. I just hate to see another guy get destroyed by her. I'm not trying to get back at her. I just really feel for this poor innocent guy. Anyway, do I take away the car? If so it makes it damn near impossible to see my daughter. I really can't afford it and child support though. I had to borrow money from my parents to make it this far. I'm not doing that ever again...
Toodaloo Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I've seriously considered that, but again I feel blackmailed here. I love my daughter but don't want her 100% of the time. I'd basically have to give up my acting career as I see no way to make ends meet, watch her all the time, and continuing acting. Being on call for auditions means little or no notice to hire a sitter. I've been in a few TV shows and films and they almost always involve travel and really long hours on set. It just doesn't work unless you already have $$$ which I don't. For the first time, I made good money last year on acting alone, but I'd be throwing away all that momentum if I quit now. Option 2 is to cut all ties with my daughter, which is what mom wants. Option 3 is shared custody, which she is making a total nightmare. All three choices have horrible consequences for me in some way... Because its all about you... Can I just point out that YOU CHOSE to have unprotected sex. YOU CHOSE to continue and bring your daughter into this world. YOUR DAUGHTER CHOSE NONE OF IT. Time to man up and take responsibility for your actions. What this other man dos is up to him but you have a responsibility so you better start working your backside off to take care of it. It is not your daughters fault that you poked the crazy. Yet she is suffering because of it. Grow up and do something about that rather than being so damned selfish. 6
kendahke Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I've seriously considered that, but again I feel blackmailed here. I love my daughter but don't want her 100% of the time. Wow... I'd basically have to give up my acting career as I see no way to make ends meet, watch her all the time, and continuing acting. Being on call for auditions means little or no notice to hire a sitter. I've been in a few TV shows and films and they almost always involve travel and really long hours on set. It just doesn't work unless you already have $$$ which I don't. For the first time, I made good money last year on acting alone, but I'd be throwing away all that momentum if I quit now. Option 2 is to cut all ties with my daughter, which is what mom wants. Option 3 is shared custody, which she is making a total nightmare. All three choices have horrible consequences for me in some way... Pro tip: Your daughter didn't ask to be born to an unemployed actor and an unbalanced woman. You and her mother chose to have unprotected sex, for whatever selfish reason you two conjured up and now she's here. Your acting career comes second to her needs--that's what parents do. They sacrifice for the well being of the child and right now, your child lives with someone who has no self control buffers. That same anger she takes out on you she will take out on your baby and you're fine with it? Seriously? I feel so badly for this baby--an inconvenience to her father and subjected to the unstable whims of her mother. She's going to need some serious therapy when she hits her teenage years. Hope you sock away the money required to get her through the therapy she's going to need. 7
Author shy_actor Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 Because its all about you... Can I just point out that YOU CHOSE to have unprotected sex. YOU CHOSE to continue and bring your daughter into this world. YOUR DAUGHTER CHOSE NONE OF IT. Time to man up and take responsibility for your actions. What this other man dos is up to him but you have a responsibility so you better start working your backside off to take care of it. It is not your daughters fault that you poked the crazy. Yet she is suffering because of it. Grow up and do something about that rather than being so damned selfish. How am I being selfish? I gave up my apartment and moved back home with my parents to pay her rent, car, and groceries for my kid. I've been bled dry by this woman and now am finally standing up for myself. Please don't lecture me about manning up. I have...
Author shy_actor Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 Wow... Pro tip: Your daughter didn't ask to be born to an unemployed actor and an unbalanced woman. You and her mother chose to have unprotected sex, for whatever selfish reason you two conjured up and now she's here. Your acting career comes second to her needs--that's what parents do. They sacrifice for the well being of the child and right now, your child lives with someone who has no self control buffers. That same anger she takes out on you she will take out on your baby and you're fine with it? Seriously? I feel so badly for this baby--an inconvenience to her father and subjected to the unstable whims of her mother. She's going to need some serious therapy when she hits her teenage years. Hope you sock away the money required to get her through the therapy she's going to need. I'm not unemployed. I work all the time. I have a great job waiting tables at a high end restaurant. I drive Uber in between. Both jobs have flexible hours so I can take off time whenever I get a role. I see my daughter on weekends right now but driving 10 hours to see her is just back breaking. I NEVER go out anymore. So don't lecture me about sacrifice...
Toodaloo Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 How am I being selfish? I gave up my apartment and moved back home with my parents to pay her rent, car, and groceries for my kid. I've been bled dry by this woman and now am finally standing up for myself. Please don't lecture me about manning up. I have... How are you being selfish? Do you honestly need me to spell it out to you? You leave your daughter with a woman who is mentally unstable. And you think that is OK? You think that is a good enough/ safe environment for her? You don't want her all the time because it would be a drag and you would have to give up your acting career. Oh my days... I can't go on without swearing or being highly insulting so I am going to stop. Someone else please take over and point out the obvious. Next he will be saying his penis slipped so its not his fault she got pregnant... Because of course he had nothing to do with it. Contact the CSA or what ever it is that deals with child payments. Get them to sort it out. Leave your kid for Social Services to deal with. She will probably get a better deal than a psycho Mammy and a Pappy who lives on dreams. 5
Toodaloo Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I'm not unemployed. I work all the time. I have a great job waiting tables at a high end restaurant. I drive Uber in between. Both jobs have flexible hours so I can take off time whenever I get a role. I see my daughter on weekends right now but driving 10 hours to see her is just back breaking. I NEVER go out anymore. So don't lecture me about sacrifice... So you keep yourself in irregular employment to top up in between to follow your dream... The word "your" being the operative one here. Life might get a whole lot simpler and easier if you knuckle down with secure employment (which you have the opportunity to do as you clearly have some form of security with both jobs) and get your daughter some STABILITY. 5
kendahke Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I'm not unemployed. I work all the time. I have a great job waiting tables at a high end restaurant. I drive Uber in between. Both jobs have flexible hours so I can take off time whenever I get a role. I see my daughter on weekends right now but driving 10 hours to see her is just back breaking. I NEVER go out anymore. So don't lecture me about sacrifice... No, I will lecture you about sacrifice because guess what? Your child needs a father who won't abandon her because she's an inconvenience. Plenty of parents are far more busy than you are and they don't consider their children to be in the way and they alter their lives to accommodate the children they willfully bring into the world. She's defenseless--you're supposed to be her protector as her father. Lots of parents don't go out anymore with small children. That's why I said to go for full custody since you wither at the thought of driving 10 hours to go see her. Fail... 4
JewelD Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 How are you being selfish? Do you honestly need me to spell it out to you? You leave your daughter with a woman who is mentally unstable. And you think that is OK? You think that is a good enough/ safe environment for her? You don't want her all the time because it would be a drag and you would have to give up your acting career. Oh my days... I can't go on without swearing or being highly insulting so I am going to stop. Someone else please take over and point out the obvious. Next he will be saying his penis slipped so its not his fault she got pregnant... Because of course he had nothing to do with it. Contact the CSA or what ever it is that deals with child payments. Get them to sort it out. Leave your kid for Social Services to deal with. She will probably get a better deal than a psycho Mammy and a Pappy who lives on dreams. I second this. There's a looooot of men who complain about child support and crazy baby mommas but you're not that upset about it to file for full custody. You had many options in this situation so you're not 'stuck' anywhere you didn't put yourself by choice. Using the morning after pill as birth control? Really? and your ex must not be that crazy if she's wiling to take care of the child full time and you're not. and she put you on child support so she's being somewhat responsible there as some men will stop paying. But if you're not willing to take your daughter full time and you live ten hours away, you have very little to complain about. You had a kid with a crazy woman, she probably thinks you're crazy as well. Perhaps you are both a bit crazy. Regardless, you shouldn't say anything to her new bf. You can't stop her from having kids anymore than she can stop you from impregnating someone else. Focus on your own situation. 5
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