How do I let go of this

August 9, 2016

The truth is out, I gave her an ultimatum, truth or leave. She has been having sex with the OM.

At the moment, I'm up and down, she is remorseful, but I have told her to prepare for divorce. Part of me wants to tell her it'll all be ok, part of me wants to kick her the f**k out of the house, I confronted the OM's wife this evening and told her all about it. I still want to cave the cretin's skull in

Good for you! Now the cat is out of the bag and the eyes are on them!

August 9, 2016

The truth is out, I gave her an ultimatum, truth or leave. She has been having sex with the OM.

At the moment, I'm up and down, she is remorseful, but I have told her to prepare for divorce. Part of me wants to tell her it'll all be ok, part of me wants to kick her the f**k out of the house, I confronted the OM's wife this evening and told her all about it. I still want to cave the cretin's skull in

You had no marriage contract with him. Your contract was with your wife, and she is the one to blame. She is 100% to blame.

You have every right to be angry at him, but you should remember who it was that betrayed you.

August 9, 2016

You had no marriage contract with him. Your contract was with your wife, and she is the one to blame. She is 100% to blame.

You have every right to be angry at him, but you should remember who it was that betrayed you.

This is exactly what I was thinking when you've directed so much anger towards OM.

Your wife is 100 percent to blame. She was the one that was supposed to love and protect you and she failed.

I'm sorry you're going through this (hugs).

August 10, 2016

So, now that the word is out, where are you and where is she?

Originally, you were allowing her to continue working out with the OM etc.

Is she still of a mind that this is still on the table?

Have you been able to gather your thoughts on this and remain calm as to organizing your thoughts?

Was there any remorse etc exhibited on her part?

Still raw but try not to threaten or make statements at this juncture that you can't take back or that will be used against you.....

We are here for you.

August 10, 2016

The truth is out, I gave her an ultimatum, truth or leave. She has been having sex with the OM.

At the moment, I'm up and down, she is remorseful, but I have told her to prepare for divorce. Part of me wants to tell her it'll all be ok, part of me wants to kick her the f**k out of the house, I confronted the OM's wife this evening and told her all about it. I still want to cave the cretin's skull in

I am no expert in this, but I don't think she is remorseful. She still works with and goes to the gym with OM. She hasn't even started to let him go yet. There is a process where she needs to end the relationship with him. She will literally go through a hard time while she is "breaking up" with OM. She needs NO CONTACT for your marriage to work. Seeing him everyday will only keep their affair going. How do you know she is done with him??

While you don't need to accept it, it sometimes takes 2-3 more visits before there is finally true no contact if she actually ends the affair.

My wife went through this no contact process. She thought it was unfair that she was not allowed to call OM and ease the breakup. I told her no contact, she agreed, and then she started to understand what she had done was selfish and unfair.

And I'd leave him and his wife out of your life. My OM's wife is filing for divorce and it's nasty. She keeps contacting us for legal reasons and the only thing it does it keep it alive for my wife and I.

Hold your head up and start to make a plan, but have a backup plan. You need to look out for you. Your marriage isn't a marriage right now. She broke the vows and you need to take care of you. Get a lawyer, find out your options, and make informed decisions.

August 10, 2016

The truth is out, I gave her an ultimatum, truth or leave. She has been having sex with the OM.

Do you now realize just how silly you sounded to most of us when you told us that she can still train at the gym with the other man ("OM")? Please listen to the advice given and think it over before discarding it. BTW, I am not bashing you here. Your reaction was very common for most newly betrayed spouses, but the sooner that you start taking strong action the better.

Before you even consider reconciliation ("R") you need to get her to agree to the following:

1) She is to no longer go to the gym.

2) She is to immediately look for a new job, and agree to take a new job even if it not as good but is good enough.

3) Full no contact with the OM. Until she gets a new job, if she sees him in the office she is to walk on by as if she does not know him.

4) Both of you need to agree that in healthy marriages there is no such thing as privacy unless you are going to the bathroom. Thus both of you agree to full transparency without complaint including the sharing of all passwords. My wife and I, and many other couples that have never had affair issues, have done this all of our marriage and have always thought of it as no big deal. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I have bad news for you. The fact that she did not want to buy a new house with you speaks volumes about where she was emotionally with the OM, and about her lack of long term commitment to the marriage. Because of this, she may fight you on the above 4 reasonable points. If she does, she is telling you that although she and the OM are laying low for now, it is not over between them. I am so sorry that you are here. I wish you the best of luck.

August 10, 2016

And I'd leave him and his wife out of your life. My OM's wife is filing for divorce and it's nasty. She keeps contacting us for legal reasons and the only thing it does it keep it alive for my wife and I.

I was about to like your post until you said this. The OP did the right thing telling the other man's ("OM") wife. Affairs do not do well in the light of day, as they rely on secrecy. Besides, it was the decent thing to do as the other man's wife had a right to know.

August 10, 2016

I was about to like your post until you said this. The OP did the right thing telling the other man's ("OM") wife. Affairs do not do well in the light of day, as they rely on secrecy. Besides, it was the decent thing to do as the other man's wife had a right to know.

I understand about affairs and the secrecy of them. However, the "right thing" to do is based on opinion. You say it was the right thing to do, I disagree.

I don't feel that the OM's wife is OP's concern. OP needs to be concerned with his own marriage and not feel responsible for the OM's wife. OP has no obligation to her.

We have no idea what that other marriage is like and frankly, who cares?

Bringing in the OM's wife into the fold can be good or bad. For me, it was VERY bad. Once my wife's other man's wife got the emails, she called out OM. OM then grabbed his gun and came to my house. His intent was to kill my wife and I because we told his wife the truth. Luckily, we weren't home. But, then it then turned into court battles, legal fees, protective orders, and us moving far away.

That's why I HIGHLY recommend leaving the OM and his wife out of the picture.

Edited August 10, 2016 by Survivedtothriving

August 10, 2016

Hi Servingtothriving, sorry it went south in your case but I think yours is the exception to the rule. What Try was saying is true in 99% cases and is the killer for any affair. I think it was a good idea for the OP to inform the OM's wife. Now he has to take a call on whether he wants to stick with her. I wouldn't but that is because I am dead set against cheaters. Anyone in a committed ( and loving relationship ?) who decides to cheat is not worth reconciling with. I am all for reconciliation where firstly, the cheater shows true remorse and secondly, the circumstances of the marriage were such that the cheating partner felt completely frustrated and really thought the relationship was over. In all other circumstances where the cheater had a good marriage and yet decided to cheat, he or she does not deserve a second chance. Just the way I feel.

August 10, 2016

Once my wife's other man's wife got the emails, she called out OM. OM then grabbed his gun and came to my house. His intent was to kill my wife and I because we told his wife the truth.

So this guy actually thought that he had the right to not just talk to your wife about having an affair with him but to actually fu€k your wife, but felt that you even talking to his wife about him fu€king your wife was worthy of killing both of you? Good thing you never had sex with his wife. Sorry but he is a major nut job, where normal rules do not apply.

August 10, 2016

So this guy actually thought that he had the right to not just talk to your wife about having an affair with him but to actually fu€k your wife, but felt that you even talking to his wife about him fu€king your wife was worthy of killing both of you? Good thing you never had sex with his wife. Sorry but he is a major nut job, where normal rules do not apply.

I've learned there are no normal rules after an affair. Reading these forums has enforced that belief.

I personally know other people that have gotten violent after cheating and affairs. My case wasn't that rare.

I am not forcing anyone to take my advice. After all, this is a forum and we all have our own opinions.

I still recommend leaving the other couple out of it.

August 10, 2016

At the moment, I'm up and down, she is remorseful, but I have told her to prepare for divorce. Part of me wants to tell her it'll all be ok, part of me wants to kick her the f**k out of the house, I confronted the OM's wife this evening and told her all about it. I still want to cave the cretin's skull in

There's no need to act rashly. Despite your rage, which is completely understandable, you don't want to do anything right now that you regret, including incurring a criminal record. Also, you don't need to make any decisions about where you're headed with your wife right now. You should still be doing the 180, for your own sanity and to protect your interests. There's no reason you can't ask her for a commitment to NC she decides if she wants to reconcile, and then by doing the 180 give her all the room she needs to make her decision. Your next step might be separation not divorce. It's too early to tell. Be patient and gentle with yourself. .

August 10, 2016

If your even thinking about reconciliation make sure she understands your demands/requirements for reconciliation starting with, "people that cheat together can't work together." One of them needs to leave, decide which is more important to you, your marriage or her paycheck. By lying to you about the sex she was choosing to protect the other man over you. You need to talk to a lawyer and protect yourself because you still don't know where her loyalty lays. A brutal post nuptial agreement giving you most of the assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity is a requirement if reconciliation is on the table. If she won't honor her vows she may honor a financial consequence. Ya they were way to comfortable with the way they texted each other for sex to not have happened. Make her get tested for all STD's, they always lie about using protection. I take it sex happened in your home, if so get rid of all the furniture, linen they desecrated. Get her into independent counselling, she needs to find out why she allowed herself the approval to cheat. Decide if you even want her back after you talk to a lawyer.

August 10, 2016

I didn't sleep at all last night, at work with eyes like pi**holes in the snow. She has agreed a NC with the other man, she has agreed to get tested for STDs immediately. She's in the spare room for sleeping for the forseeable future. She has arranged couples counselling and I'm already seeing an IC. She has agreed to transfer all joint funds into my account and get an affidavit/contract witnessed by a solicitor to the effect she forfeits all rights in the event of further infidelity. The OM' wife apparently lives with him, but they are separated and the OM has a GF....she's next to get the good news.

I have told her that our marriage as we knew it is dead and buried, the best she can hope for is that I want to make a go of it with this new person. She has until I get home today to have formulated a game plan of how she plans on making this right or to have found somewhere else to live

August 10, 2016

I've learned there are no normal rules after an affair. Reading these forums has enforced that belief.
I personally know other people that have gotten violent after cheating and affairs. My case wasn't that rare.
I am not forcing anyone to take my advice. After all, this is a forum and we all have our own opinions.
I still recommend leaving the other couple out of it.

Yes, it is easy to sit here and say do the right thing and broadcast it widely, but people are people and I agree, some of them are violent or psychopathic, and many of them hide it pretty well, until intense emotion brings it out of them.

There are also usually children involved, and I think not enough care is taken of their little lives, when the affair and its consequences takes over everything.

A scorched earth policy and revenge may seem like karma, but innocent lives get ruined too.

August 10, 2016

Eh, revenge is best served cold. I think my ww's aps might have been receiving anonymous Xmas cards that say 'I haven't forgotten' but I can't be sure lol.

Either way you got bigger fish to fry right now. When I couldn't sleep right after dday I planned. .. Like a mad scientist. It was productive use of nervous anxious energy.

August 10, 2016

I understand about affairs and the secrecy of them. However, the "right thing" to do is based on opinion. You say it was the right thing to do, I disagree.

I don't feel that the OM's wife is OP's concern. OP needs to be concerned with his own marriage and not feel responsible for the OM's wife. OP has no obligation to her.

We have no idea what that other marriage is like and frankly, who cares?

Bringing in the OM's wife into the fold can be good or bad. For me, it was VERY bad. Once my wife's other man's wife got the emails, she called out OM. OM then grabbed his gun and came to my house. His intent was to kill my wife and I because we told his wife the truth. Luckily, we weren't home. But, then it then turned into court battles, legal fees, protective orders, and us moving far away.

That's why I HIGHLY recommend leaving the OM and his wife out of the picture.

Ick. I can understand your reasoning given your situation.

But I also think you can't live your life worrying about what someone else might do.

Sometimes you have to do what is right.

Where do you draw your line in the sand?

If you see your next door neighbour being burgled do you ignore it as your intervention might get turned back against you?

If your son or daughter meets someone who you know is trouble, drug addict, whatever do you ignore it as intervening will cause trouble within the family?

If you have a friend, perhaps a very good friend who has been there for you, perhaps saved your life and you see her hubby playing tickle the tonsils in a bar do you ignore it as it might cause problems?

If you see a girl being sexually assaulted do you walk on by as the perpetrators might come after you?

Sometimes you have to do what is right regardless of the consequences.

ETA, just to say not meant to be a pop at you, Surviving. Hope you understand. Different opinions and all that jazz.

Edited August 10, 2016 by Wade Lamare

August 10, 2016

I didn't sleep at all last night, at work with eyes like pi**holes in the snow. She has agreed a NC with the other man, she has agreed to get tested for STDs immediately. She's in the spare room for sleeping for the forseeable future. She has arranged couples counselling and I'm already seeing an IC. She has agreed to transfer all joint funds into my account and get an affidavit/contract witnessed by a solicitor to the effect she forfeits all rights in the event of further infidelity. The OM' wife apparently lives with him, but they are separated and the OM has a GF....she's next to get the good news.
I have told her that our marriage as we knew it is dead and buried, the best she can hope for is that I want to make a go of it with this new person. She has until I get home today to have formulated a game plan of how she plans on making this right or to have found somewhere else to live

Just where did your wife think this was all going? He is still married, lives with his wife, has a girlfriend so what is your wife to him? She risked your marriage for a position as the other man's piece on the side, is that all the value she put on your marriage? I don't think couples counselling is going to help you much until she has some intense independent counselling to find out why she risked so much for so little and with such a looser. Good for you for getting her to legally agree to sign over her assets if there is more infidelity. Make sure you get tested for herpes when you get tested for STD's, you have to ask for that test to be done. With all the sexual partners in the O/M's life your wife really put you at risk. Some STD's don't even show themselves until 6 months after the last encounter. They would still be having sex had you not caught her, remember that fact. It is up to her to prove to you that being married to her is a good thing. The only good news in all of this is you now know who you really married and like the thousands of us on this site, you will get through this one way or another.

August 10, 2016

I didn't sleep at all last night, at work with eyes like pi**holes in the snow. She has agreed a NC with the other man, she has agreed to get tested for STDs immediately. She's in the spare room for sleeping for the forseeable future. She has arranged couples counselling and I'm already seeing an IC. She has agreed to transfer all joint funds into my account and get an affidavit/contract witnessed by a solicitor to the effect she forfeits all rights in the event of further infidelity. The OM' wife apparently lives with him, but they are separated and the OM has a GF....she's next to get the good news.
I have told her that our marriage as we knew it is dead and buried, the best she can hope for is that I want to make a go of it with this new person. She has until I get home today to have formulated a game plan of how she plans on making this right or to have found somewhere else to live

I would still file for divorce.

Here is why: if you read other marriage sites you will learn that it takes six months to a year for a wayward, who has gone cold turkey from their AP, to start showing any real remorse for their actions, and alas probably half never get there.

Sadly, many times when a woman gives herself to another man sexually, she never is able to regain her sexual attraction towards her husband. This may be an insurmountable hurdle for you and her if this is the case.

That is why I say get the divorce filed and going. You can always cancel it later on down the road if you see real effort and change from her. Right now she is in preservation mode. She is going to tell you what you want to hear in order to preserve the marriage. Don't accept anything from her at face value, and make sure the affair is really dead.

August 10, 2016

Romantic infatuation only lasts about two or three years. Ideally it’s replaced by a more mature love that’s needed for families.

You provided stability which she took for granted as a constant because you're such an upstanding nice guy. With a new guy she could start a new cycle of romantic infatuation and still have you for security and all those boring husband things. She had the best of both worlds and was having the best time of her life.

She continued the affair even after being caught because having both was so wonderful. Then you made it clear that she would have to choose, she couldn’t have both of you. She was crazy about the OM. Do you think she suddenly got the hots for you more than she had them for the OM.

The OM couldn’t supply her with stability. She made a rational business like decision and picked stability over passion. What do you think she would have done if the OM was an upstanding guy with a great job?

The OM got the sex for free but you will have to pay for it. If you don’t think I’m right ask her for a divorce and tell her that you can continue to live together. Ask her to give you the same deal that she gave the OM. Free no strings attached hot sex. I bet she will not go for that. You see the marriage doesn’t keep her faithful but it keeps you supplying the husband stability.

I would still file for divorce.

Here is why: if you read other marriage sites you will learn that it takes six months to a year for a wayward, who has gone cold turkey from their AP, to start showing any real remorse for their actions, and alas probably half never get there.

Sadly, many times when a woman gives herself to another man sexually, she never is able to regain her sexual attraction towards her husband. This may be an insurmountable hurdle for you and her if this is the case.

Sex with the OM will probably remain the best sex of her life because it was forbidden and she had to sneak around. Sex with the OM will be thought of as hot through the years while sex with you will be nice.

If you don't have any kids I would RUN NOW!!!!

Edited August 10, 2016 by Buckeye2

August 10, 2016

Sex with the OM will probably remain the best sex of her life because it was forbidden and she had to sneak around. Sex with the OM will be thought of as hot through the years while sex with you will be nice.

Not necessarily. Lots of WS's develop a genuine disgust for their former APs and even if the sex was the best of their life at the time (or for a lifetime) it's like comparing apples to oranges. In our case, WH and I have had to rebuild a lot around our sex life and I assure you that as "hot" as the sex was with xOW, he regrets it and says it was not worth losing his wife or his life over. You've got work ahead of you decide to reconcile. Stick to your guns, communicate, and get your wife reading these two books:

How to Help Your Spouse Heal by Linda MacDonald (available free online here: lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

NOT Just Friends by Shirley Glass (you can take it out at the library if you don't want to buy it)

August 10, 2016

Lots of WS's develop a genuine disgust for their former APs

This is true when there is extreme fallout due to the affair or the AP acts like a real a$$ when the truth comes out. It’s like eating your favorite dish and getting food poisoning. My wife made microwave buttered popcorn when I was sick with the flu. The smell was overpowering. I didn’t want popcorn for years and still don’t want butter on it.

It takes something like that.

August 10, 2016

Does she know that she was only the backup to the backup to the wife of her AP?

Might ask her how and why she would devalue herself to a third string FB risking her marriage .

What is her attitude after the initial reveal? Is she open to IC and MC if you decide to consider a go at R?

I really feel for you buddy....very tough road here but in the end, it will work out.

Edited August 10, 2016 by kgcolonel
Additional notes

August 10, 2016

If you are a man for whom "sex is just sex" and it's the emotional aspect of her affair that is the primary betrayal then you have a reasonable chance to reconcile IF she stops lying and you can find a way to trust her again.

Here is a hard truth: If it's the sexual component of her cheating that is the primary aspect killing you right now then DO NOT waste another minute with your WW. The knowledge that she happily gave him something that was special to you - something you both agreed to not share with anyone else - is something you will never forget and never truly forgive. We see it all the time - for men it's the sex that ultimately destroys the relationship.

August 10, 2016

Not necessarily. Lots of WS's develop a genuine disgust for their former APs and even if the sex was the best of their life

The fact that WSs spouse develops a "develop a genuine disgust for their former APs" does not change the fact that they will still remember that "the sex was the best of their life", and that you as the cheated on spouse will have to deal with that reality for the rest of your marriage.

In our case, WH and I have had to rebuild a lot around our sex life and I assure you that as "hot" as the sex was with xOW, he regrets it and says it was not worth losing his wife or his life over.

Again, the fact that a WS spouse "regrets it" does not change the fact that they will still remember sex with the affair partner as "hot", and that you as the cheated on spouse will have to deal with that reality for the rest of your marriage. Edited August 10, 2016 by Try

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