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Posted

I found out that *** had been getting close to a person at her work, the relationship had progressed to a physical level.

I suspected that there may be someone else as we had ‘drifted apart’ in terms of closeness and intimacy. We seemed to spend every evening at opposite ends of the sofa, her on her phone and me on the laptop.

We were supposed to be buying a house together and the day the deposit was due to be sent, she told me that, if we bought the house, she didn’t think our marriage would survive. I took this to mean that she didn’t love me enough to want to commit to this and I asked if there was anyone else, she replied there wasn’t. This was July 22 2016

We talked about how things I did annoyed her and I promised to make efforts not to do these things, we discussed how we felt about the other person seemingly being engrossed in phone/laptop and agreed that we would make more time for each other.

A couple of days later, I noticed a message from a person at her work sending a song through and ***’s comments about it being ‘lovely words’ I googled the lyrics and they were about missing someone and how the singer felt about the person who was not there. My suspicions were raised and I checked further back in the messages. I also accessed ***’s emails and found several exchanges between them, each one saying they were ‘addicted’ to the other, missed the other and descriptions of what each would like to do to the other. There was also an email from him to her describing a day out where they would have a bike ride and maybe stop off at a ‘remote point’ for some outdoor sex.

I confronted *** when she got home from work that evening. She denied that there was anything going on, she said he was merely a gym training partner. When pressed she stated he was her ‘best friend’ and that there had been some hugs.

I showed her some of the emails, she denied that anything had happened that was described in any of them and said she couldn’t remember what was said to have sparked off the conversations. She said that he ‘made her feel good about herself’ as she had made good progress in the gym and attributed it to the other person. She said she had got ‘swept away’ in how good she felt and this got transferred to him and she got ‘carried away’

I told her that this had to stop and that she was to email the person and tell him it was going to stop and that I knew about what had been going on.

I emailed the person and told him I wanted to talk to him, *** did not think this was a good idea and asked that she should be allowed to speak to him first to tell him ‘in no uncertain terms’ that it was finished and that she had made a mistake.

I pushed the issue further and after initially denying anything other than what she had already told me had happened, *** admitted that they had kissed and that he had come into the changing rooms after gym and they had kissed and he had ‘groped her bum’ She denied they had sex, and she told me that they hadn’t had any sexual contact.

I met the other person on Saturday, July 30. *** had spoken to him in the morning and I met him at 18:00 after his shift. I asked him what had gone on and he reiterated exactly what *** had said…virtually word for word. I told him in my own terms, that he was to have nothing more to do with her.

I came home and was angry, I showed *** all the emails I had found and asked her for her explanation of them. I told her how much this hurt me. I told her how much I loved her and that I forgave her.

I found out the ‘A’ had been going on since May 2016, possibly earlier, but it had become physical in May.

I cannot shake the feeling that I have not yet found out the full truth of this. There are emails missing from the timeline, conversations are fragmented, as if other conversations took place or emails were missing. I cannot accept that, given the intensity of feelings each one stated they had for the other,

‘ridiculously addicted to you’,

‘you are the sun and everything revolves around you’,

‘missing you’,

‘putting on a front’,

‘only 4 hours till I get my hands on you’,

‘you can do just what you want to me’

‘soaking now, that would be bliss if you were here to do that, my imagination has just run away with me again’

They both said there had been nothing more than a couple/few kisses and a quick grope of ***’s bum…..but he proposed ‘outdoor sex’….how would that be a logical move forward unless the subject of sex had already been raised? ***’s response of ‘sounds perfect’ suggests that it had….have they had sex? How often?

I find myself thinking that the reason *** wanted to speak to him before I did was to ensure his account tallied with hers…..

It hurts that, after we had the discussion, and before I found out about them, we had agreed to work at what was wrong…the next morning, Sam was emailing him to tell him she couldn’t wait to get her hands on him.

It hurts that I feel so betrayed

It hurts that the woman I love could do this to me

It hurts that the trust I put in her has been broken

It hurts that I cannot get images of them together out of my head

It hurts that whenever we get close, I find myself wondering if she looked at him the same way, if she made the same noises, if she told him his kisses were ‘the best’

It hurts that when we make love, I wonder if she’s thinking of him, whether she’s comparing me to him

It hurts that I do not believe she is telling me the truth about what happened

Yesterday 08/08/16, I found more emails, none as ‘bad’ as the first ones, but, as I was thinking I could get over this, it all came flooding back again. When we were out on a long run on May 3, *** told him that thinking of him was what had helped her get round……am I not supposed to be the person that does that? Am I not supposed to be the person she thinks of, the person who supports her, encourages her? She said he was her ‘best friend’……that’s supposed to be me.

I want to get over this, I want us to be able to move forward, I don’t want to be the one that ends this, or be the cause of the end of our relationship.

I am so sad….all the time.

Last night I lay awake for seemingly ages, unable to stop things from replaying in my head, I found myself contemplating harming myself as I did some years ago when my first marriage was ending.

I have let *** continue training in the gym with the other person, I have set conditions on this, and told her that she needs to accept that I will ask questions. How do I know what she tells me is the truth? How do I know that this won’t rekindle sometime in the future? I’m trying to allow her to go on as much as possible as if this hadn’t happened.

*** says she is sorry, she realises what she stood to lose, that she will never do this ever again. We end up crying on each other and I feel bad for making her cry. She tells me that nothing more happened than what she has already told me. I know she lied every time I confronted her with something new, before finally admitting, how do I know she isn’t lying now? Every day that passes makes it harder to admit the truth, if there is anything to admit. Is she afraid I will leave if I find out there was more going on? I told her I would leave if I found out she had lied to me again…..I wouldn’t, I couldn’t leave her…

I find myself wanting to hurt him, I am angry that I seem to be hurting the most in this and I haven’t done anything wrong….

Why won’t this stop?

How can I put this behind me?

What if I’m not strong enough to get over this?

How can I get these feelings out, without hurting myself, or anyone else?

I am struggling to cope with the anger, the sadness, the hurt…..

How could she do this to me? Why would she do this to me? Were things really so bad between us?

How do I move forward when my mind seems hell bent on reliving this and ‘filling in the blanks’…..I find myself picturing them having sex, imagining how they made time for it, what other emails and messages were sent that I didn’t see. Why do I seem to be set on causing myself further upset and risking our future because I cannot let it go?

  • Like 1
Posted

I recently went through something like this. So i'm kind of bad to give advice. Especially because of the way I handled it.

 

It's hard to impossible to forget.

You may never trust them again.

 

You have to accept the fact that they probably did actually bang. Your post is so eerily familiar to my own.

 

It's telling that even when presented with evidence they deny it...

Posted

sd63

 

I'm sorry you are here but there are people that have been through this.

 

My first question is why is she seeing her affair partner still? Seriously, why?

  • Like 3
Posted

sd63,

 

As hard as it will be, you need to get the whole truth. It probably was a physical affair with full on sex. Your gut tells you this. How can you forgive her if you do not know what you are forgiving? This will play in your mind and poison your marriage forever, work to deal with it now. IF you do not, your will be in a hell as long as you are with her. Explain, to her, that if she wants to have a good marriage going forward, she must tell you the truth. You must work and insist on it. Her crying should not stop you, keep asking until her story make sense. A polygraph may help. The fact their story match, just showed they talked it over and decided on a story.

 

For both your sake, get at the truth.

 

I wish you luck...

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted
sd63

 

I'm sorry you are here but there are people that have been through this.

 

My first question is why is she seeing her affair partner still? Seriously, why?

 

They work at the same place, seeing him is unavoidable. Her earnings are such that for her to leave would be financially unacceptable, they do not work in the same area, but train in the gym. The nature of her work means I cannot get in there, so I have to trust her, I could insist she doesn't train in the gym, but then I have to trust her when she says she isn't. I figured that if I know about it, I can manage it better than not knowing. She is consumed with guilt, she has never cheated on anyone before and insists this is over and still insists that the relationship never progressed beyond what she has told me.

Separating is out of the question, we both want to move forward with our marriage.

  • Like 1
Posted

This is not your fault. She made the choice to cheat because of what is missing inside of her.

 

Please read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair" by Linda MacDonald. You can download it for free from her website.

 

Your mind is spinning because you're right, her answers don't add up. And they don't add up because she is still lying and omitting. It sounds pretty obvious that she and her affair partner matched their stories up.

 

Chances are that they had sex. Please get yourself tested and if you are intimate with her, use protection.

 

Are you in counseling? I would make that priority number one.

 

You're not going to feel any better or more secure until she's remorseful and telling the truth. And unfortunately, she's not either of those things. And she doesn't have to be, because you won't even make her stop seeing the AP. That would be condition #1 for me to stay married. Who cares if she gets mad? It's ridiculous for her to think it's OK to continue any kind of relationship with him. Read the book I recommended and this will sink in better for you.

 

You are strong enough. The answers are all inside of you. Your worth is not determined by another person's choices. No one can take your worth or strength away from you.

 

Please hang in there, and remember that in the long run, enacting healthy boundaries and consequences with her will lead to safety and peace and happiness for yourself. It will be scary and hard now, but the alternative is keeping yourself stuck in a dysfunctional situation that will cause you continuous pain. Of course she can't continue to have a relationship with him and stay married to you. And of course you have the strength to get through this . . . you've done it once before, and you can do it again. Seek counseling for tools to help you cope without turning to self-harm.

 

Why do I think she lies? Fear. Self-interest. My husband did the same at first. I needed to see him own up to things without my discovering them in order to have any reason at all to think I could trust him going forward. It's still hard, and we still had an incident recently where he minimized his actions. Honestly, I think it's pathological, where he subconsciously knows he's doing the wrong thing and then convinces himself that some explanation is true because it's plausible. But mostly it's about entitlement -- they think they're above the fall-out of having a crying, suspicious spouse. A little lying will take care of that . . .

  • Like 2
Posted

You should talk to a lawyer, understand your rights. Do you have children together? Not wanting to buy a house with you is her way of telling you she doesn't see a future with you. There can be no contact with this other man, she needs to find a new gym. It is very rare that you ever get the full truth on discovery of their affair. I think you are only getting the tip of the iceberg because they are way too comfortable with each other based on the way they write each other. You need to find all of her deleted texts if you want the truth. How long have you been married or together? Don't be to willing to forgive until you know all the truth.

  • Like 5
Posted
They work at the same place, seeing him is unavoidable. Her earnings are such that for her to leave would be financially unacceptable, they do not work in the same area, but train in the gym. The nature of her work means I cannot get in there, so I have to trust her, I could insist she doesn't train in the gym, but then I have to trust her when she says she isn't. I figured that if I know about it, I can manage it better than not knowing. She is consumed with guilt, she has never cheated on anyone before and insists this is over and still insists that the relationship never progressed beyond what she has told me.

Separating is out of the question, we both want to move forward with our marriage.

 

Talk is cheap sd63. She was that involved with him, was having sex with him but is continuing to lie to you and she is still training with him?

 

To quote:

 

"Only 4 hours til I get my hands on you." Talking about a bike ride and somewhere remote for sex.

 

Sorry, but until she stops lieing, you will never move forward.

 

She needs to decide if she wants her marriage or not. This will mean cutting ALL contact with him. You will never have any proper peace until this is done. Once this is done, you can then start working on rebuilding your marriage, if that is what you both want.

  • Like 1
Posted

I really feel for you, you're in a very tough situation through no fault of your own....i have read and heard many experts (licensed therapists) say there must be these four components to reconciliation....

 

1. True Remorse

2. True Understanding of the hurt this has caused

3. True Acceptance that this is on the betrayer

4. Actual physical and emotional steps to take to ensure this never happens again.

 

These are all stages / conversations where you need to tell her what you need for her to understand the hurt she caused, her telling you how she feels about the whole situation and owning the choice to step outside your M. You need to tell her what you need to TRULY let go of this and repair the damage. She also and most importantly, will either need to comply or you two will need to accept that she literally killed the M.

 

I also believe that you are being drip fed the level of betrayal. One thing you might try is to see how she would react to a scheduled Polygraph. this will tell you everything. "I know you say that you've told me everything but I still have my doubts. To relieve my doubts, I've scheduled a Poly, it is this afternoon, after which, i have also made dinner reservations". See how she reacts...many times in the parking lot prior to the actual poly, you get the facts. It really doesn't matter if there is an appointment or not, the reaction is the key. If she comes up with all kinds of excuses, you know there's more to the story.

 

 

One other thing here, do not and i repeat, do not feel guilty on these conditions, she not only chose to betray your trust but she has earned this with the drip feeding of the details. this is very common with betrayers, they will only admit to what you can prove which she has been very adept at in your case.

  • Like 2
Posted
They work at the same place, seeing him is unavoidable.

 

She is consumed with guilt, she has never cheated on anyone before and insists this is over and still insists that the relationship never progressed beyond what she has told me.

 

Separating is out of the question, we both want to move forward with our marriage.

 

Hey man, first let me say I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's not fair, but life isn't always fair. It's tough. I'm going to tell you what you need to hear, but probably not what you want to hear.

 

You have to accept some things and quit whitewashing and minimizing the situation.

 

The chance that this was an emotion affair that never because physical are petty close to zero. Switch into rational mode and reread those messages.

 

You want to trust her, but you know damn well that the trust is broken and she's trying her best to manage the situation... to manage you. You should be skeptical of everything at this point, and you need to get to the truth.

 

She may well be trying to manage it on both ends just like she was before you found out. There is a good possibility that this is ongoing and she's just telling you what you want to hear in order to maintain status quo... just like before, except instead of pretending that it doesn't exist, pretending that it's over. Yea, it's not rational. Don't get invested in rational. Nothing about this is rational.

 

If she claims to have ended it then she needs to quit that job, make everything verifiable, and eliminate the possibility that she's just taken it underground. If she protests then it's probably ongoing.

 

I think you should file for divorce. She needs the sh*t shocked out of her. That doesn't mean you have to go through with it, but if she still hasn't even admitted that she was phukking the guy then there is a lot more obfuscation going on than you are admitting to yourself.

 

If you're determined to salvage it then marital counseling is a must.

 

Based on what you've said here, I think she's trying to minimize and manage and that is no way to rebuild anything.

 

Check and make sure you still have your cajones, and if they're still intact then start standing up for yourself and quit fantasizing that this didn't happen.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)
They work at the same place, seeing him is unavoidable. Her earnings are such that for her to leave would be financially unacceptable, they do not work in the same area, but train in the gym. The nature of her work means I cannot get in there, so I have to trust her, I could insist she doesn't train in the gym, but then I have to trust her when she says she isn't. I figured that if I know about it, I can manage it better than not knowing. She is consumed with guilt, she has never cheated on anyone before and insists this is over and still insists that the relationship never progressed beyond what she has told me.

Separating is out of the question, we both want to move forward with our marriage.

 

OK, SD, lets start at the beginning

(1) every book you will find on infidelity will tell you that these two cannot continue to interact with each other every day or be in proximity to each other if you want the affair to end. So starting at step one here you are already swimming upstream and decreasing your odds of successfully reconciling. So while she may not be able to quit, she should be attempting to look for another job.

(2) The statement that " you have to trust her is not very smart right now". You tried trusting her and where did it get you????? If you cannot access her work or her work electronics, you CAN put a VAR in her car, you CAN demand she be accountable for where she is from the minute she leaves work until you see her, you CAN put a phone locator on her phone, and you CAN tell her that since she is still working with him that she may be taking a polygraph test to verify that she has not still physically been with him or talked to him outside work. And if that sounds harsh to her, it is called consequences of being a liar and cheater.

(3) You are being again naive to continue to let her train at the gym where she interacts with OM. And the phone locator and a GPS on her car will tell you if she is where she says she is.

 

What you are doing is called "rugsweeping". You both want to continue with your marriage, but you get to eat the **** sandwich and she has had her fun, may still be doing it ( you have no idea at this point other than what she has told you), and you are taking no action at all to monitor what she is doing.

 

Now if your best buddy told you your story, would you advise him to do nothing but "trust" his WW like you seem to nbe planning to do??

if the answer to that question is YES, then good luck and I am sure the folks here will be here for you when you get whacked again.

 

You can save your marriage only if you are willing to get out of infidelity first. Right now, you are clueless as to whether or not that is the case, and please do not tell us what SHE SAYS . That hould be meaningless to you right now.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote formatting ~6
  • Like 1
Posted

All your doing is giving her more chances to continue with this guy.

 

Have her find another gym, and another job. All this is doing is tying you in knots.

 

From now on your life will be nothing but looking over your shoulder every day wondering if she's where she says she's at, doing what she says she's doing, with who she says' shes with and your going to take it a face value.

 

That isn't a life, it's a jail sentence unless you do something about it. Take her for a polygraph. Let her know that she needs to take it in order to keep the marriage. If she says no then you know there's more and right now I'll bet the house your thinking that there is more you don't know about.

 

She lied, cheated and disrespected you and for some reason your willing to take more abuse. Either draw a line in the sand or suffer.

  • Like 2
Posted

 

 

How can I get these feelings out, without hurting myself, or anyone else?

I am struggling to cope with the anger, the sadness, the hurt…..

 

 

 

Journaling

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man, I've been there in the exact **** show feeling you're experiencing right now. Add in 'is divorce gonna hurt the kids?' and I coulda written all the emotional piece of your post.

 

 

There are basic things that can fight situational depression:

Exercise

Eating right

Full sleep

Antidepressants

Counseling

Hobbies

Journaling

 

 

I'm also gonna kinda tell you two or three things, simple lines that you can memorize that will help some:

 

 

Nothing you didn't or didn't do caused her to cheat.

 

 

Why did she cheat? (WHY?!?!??!) Because she wanted to.

 

Revenge isn't worth it. Nothing she can do changes who you are. Even though it might feel like it. There's a big difference between a going through this rollercoaster and saying you are the rollercoaster.

 

Does the pain last forever? NO. The pain doesn't last forever. You have about a week of chaos (you're there now), followed by 6-8 months of alternating bad days then numb days. In about 6-7 months you're gonna have a good day. You'll actually smile a real smile for the first time in what seems like forever. Then it kinda shifts to bad weeks and numbs weeks with a good day dropped randomly in there somewhere.

 

 

It took my about 2 years to get back to somewhere close to normal. Even now I have random down days. They say it takes 3-5 years to heal from this crap, with or without a divorce.

 

 

You aren't alone brother!

  • Like 1
Posted

My heart hurts for you. I know the incredible pain that betrayal brings and the hard work you'll have to do to process, forgive, and move forward. So many people have already posted good ideas - to get counseling, to have her train elsewhere (there are tons of gyms and $30 a month is a small price to pay for her to avoid seeing him) , and to journal your thoughts. I strongly second the counseling suggestion. Is she willing to attend with you? If she isn't, you should still go. Have you heard of Focus on the Family? They have a great intensive counseling center in Branson, MO. - like a long weekend getaway to start your journey. I lived out of the country when I experienced this and regret not getting counseling sooner. I believe it would have made my recovery a bit quicker and easier. Not that it will be easy ; (. You mentioned that you 'picture them having sex'. I know this is a hard habit to break, but you must. It doesn't help to imagine or picture what happened - it will only make you feel worse. I like to complete a thought when I start one and would want to finish the scene in my head , but I had to make myself purposely think on something else. Find something good to think about and make yourself stop picturing them. I'm very sorry you are having to go through this. I know it's so painful right now, but if you are willing to do some hard work, you and your wife can come out of it with a better, stronger marriage.

  • Like 1
Posted

(((sd63))) first off I'm sorry you join the ranks of us here, but happy you found some support.

 

First don't believe any cheater who is talking until you have verified that the gibberish flowing out of their mouth is even true. Most of the time it is not.

 

You are not working on the M if the A has not ended. You need to verify the A is over not just accept that your WW said it is over.:rolleyes:

 

WW needs to leave her place of employment because it is never a good idea to continue working with your AP. I would demand this asap.

 

There needs to be NC established from your WW and not you and then YOU will need to verify that NC has not been broken.

 

If none of the above is happening or has happened and you have a gut feeling she is still seeing her AP... then 180 and file for D. You can always stop a D.

  • Like 1
Posted

Hi SD, having read your post it is very clear your wife is in love with her beau and you are the fall back guy. When they are both ready and if he is genuinely interested in her and not just taking advantage of her, she will ditch you and go with the other guy. You are wondering if they have had sex and if so how many times. The fact is that the language of the e-mail indicates that they were having sex on a regular basis and by the time you discovered the affair, they had possibly had sex over a hundred times. The fact is that you are flogging s dead horse if you think you can win back your wife. Read some of the advice that people like Alive again and others have given and take note.

It is best that you start divorce proceedings against your wife because she is already gone. Given the circumstances under which she continues to meet up with her beau it is only a matter of time before she walks out on you. In the mean time she will ensure that she carries her affair deep underground where you will be unable to catch her at all. I font know what kind of a life you are able to provide her but if she is an equal earner then you as a mate do not seem to be an attractive mate for her. If for whatever reason she continues to live with you then be prepared to live the life of a cuckold. Warm wishes.

  • Like 1
Posted

This relationship is already over, barring the final sundering.

 

You might love her, but she doesn't love you. Her feelings have been transferred to the other guy.

 

The best thing you can do is to part company as soon as possible, and go for very strict permanent no contact.

 

That's how you let go of it.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 6
Posted (edited)

Edited to add: I can attest to the efficacy of doing this. I didn't do the pick me dance for more than a couple of days, after which I went full metal No Contact. He left the house, was only allowed to come over when we made pre-arranged times, he was not allowed to discuss anything with me, I drafted a separation agreement and went wit my husband to a lawyer to get it notarized. At the time I implemented it, I felt terrified, but in actually moving on like I was moving on, I found a deep sense of ownership and empowerment over the situation. By giving up any effort to control of "fix" my marriage, it gave both my WH and myself the ability to see the "big picture." By the time he decided to come home, I was honestly so done that I would not have accepted anything less than a completely remorseful man who would do virtually any and everything to earn my respect and trust back. Look after YOU. It's amazing what happens.

 

Michelle Wiener Davis, on how to do the The 180

 

  1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
  2. No frequent phone calls.
  3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.
  4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.
  5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
  6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.
  7. Don’t ask for reassurances.
  8. Don’t buy or give gifts.
  9. Don’t schedule dates together.
  10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.
  11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
  12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
  13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
  14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
  15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
  16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!
  17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.
  18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
  19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
  20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!
  21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
  22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
  23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
  24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
  25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
  26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
  27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
  28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
  29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.
  30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
  31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
  32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
  33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.

 

I reluctantly welcome you to the BS Club.

Edited by Lobe
  • Like 7
Posted

Sorry, I forgot another couple of things that really helped me and might help you

 

 

"My love didn't stop you from cheating, and it won't stop me from divorcing you."

 

and

 

And all those little things you did for her? putting the seat down? her favorite food? watching those TV shows with her? flowers? jewelry? morning I love yous? They must not have meant much of anything, or they would have stopped her....right? So you don't really have a reason to do them anymore.

  • Like 6
Posted

Whew SD63, your first post was, understandably, a bit of a wall of text.

 

Now calm down, think and plan.

 

As of this moment, bearing in mind your feelings could change day to day, what do you want to happen. Yes, reply from the heart a little but think rationally and consider exactly what you want to happen and let the people here know..

 

I know it doesn't seem to you to be helpful but this scenario is almost textbook 'Cheater's Script'.

 

Is the OM married himself? Or in a relationship of sorts?

  • Like 3
Posted

I agree wit what almost everyone here is telling you. You can assume they have been having sex. And I agree with one of the previous posters that the fact she does not want to buy a house with you speaks volumes about how she feels about you.

 

The whole thing stinks: her trickle-truthing and gas-lighting you, her refusal to quit her job, her blame shifting....

 

You said separation is out of the question. Well what do you want then? She has shown you no real remorse. It is clear she has no love for you other than maybe a sisterly love. Sounds to me like you want to rugsweep the whole thing and move on like it never happened. Well, if she does not get to the bottom of her "whys" and if she is not shown some consequences for what she has done, then she will be sure to do this again in the future. And why not? You will have allowed her to get away with it.

 

The only way to really deal with spouses like her is to file for divorce and then make her work and beg to get you back. Men who take decisive action early on have the best chances at saving the marriage. Wishy-washy responses will get you nothing but limbo and pain.

  • Like 4
  • Author
Posted

The truth is out, I gave her an ultimatum, truth or leave. She has been having sex with the OM.

 

At the moment, I'm up and down, she is remorseful, but I have told her to prepare for divorce. Part of me wants to tell her it'll all be ok, part of me wants to kick her the f**k out of the house, I confronted the OM's wife this evening and told her all about it. I still want to cave the cretin's skull in

  • Like 3
Posted

Oldshirt posted this on an old thread:

 

95% of affairs are based on the thrill and fun of exciting forbidden sex while their other needs and creature comforts are being provided by the marriage and by the BS.

 

Think of it like a flea on a dog. if the dog dies, the flea dies. The flea needs the dog to survive.

 

An affair is a parasite that saps the life blood of the marriage, but it needs the marriage to survive and it especially needs the BS to continue to provide the stable lifestyle, home, financial resources, payments of bills etc etc.

 

If the BS bolts and the marriage dissolves and the stability and support and lifestyle that the marriage provides is gone, Then the WS and the AP are stuck with each other.

 

The catch here is that 95% of the time, the BS and the AP are only in it for the kibbles and for the fun and excitement. They don't actually want to be together fulltime and it is very very rare that the other person is even the type of person that they want to date or marry or be with.

 

When the BS and the marriage goes, then nothing is fun and exciting anymore, life becomes work. The sex loses it's luster and the kibbles are gone.

 

In a few very very rare instances, the WS and the AP actually do fall in love, are compatible and do want to be together. In those rare instances, the marriage is toast and the WS is going to leave anyway so the BS might as well get an early running start on the rest of their life and start moving forward without the WS anyway.

 

The part that you aren't getting is you are actually supporting and nourishing this affair. You are providing her her safety net and lifestyle and her stability and security. Without it, she can't have fun and enjoy her motel romps with her OM.

 

And you are actually the OM's best friend and wingman here because without you, he would have to wine and dine her and suck up to her friends and family and help her take care of her house and help pay her bills, change the oil in her car and rub her feet. But as it stands right now, he has you to take care of all of that stuff and all he has to provide her is fun and orgasms. He has it made and he is doing it on your dime.

 

There is a 95% chance that if you toss her out and cut off all support and communication with her (other than legal stuff through your attorneys) he will go radio silent on her in a matter of days or weeks.

 

And also while she is out hiring lawyers and packing her stuff and looking for apartments and dealing with all the legal stuff, the last thing she is going to care about is meeting him at the park to give him a hummer.

 

Stop supporting her and stop trying to reconcile with her. Toss her out and let her fend for herself for awhile and the A will quickly die.

 

Once the $h!^ hits the fan with the A and the A ends in a painful death and she is alone again and finally grasping the damage that she has caused, then you can reassess and decide if you want to try to build your relationship with her from scratch again.

 

Either way, the relationship and marriage you had with her is forever gone and will never be the same. There is a slim chance you may be able to build a new relationship if you so choose, the innocence and purity of your prior R is forever gone.

 

To kill the parasite, you have to get rid of the host and that host is you supporting your wife and providing her a comfortable lifestyle to the point where she is able to grab stolen moments of fun and excitement with the OM.

  • Like 5
Posted
I find myself wanting to hurt him... I still want to cave the cretin's skull in

 

Ok, this is not a good idea. You've warned him off and he knows the score.

 

1. You don't know what he's been told. Your wife could have gaslighted him as much as she has to you.

 

2. Your wife could have stopped all this with a few simple words. "Sorry, I'm married."

She's the one who owes you faithfulness, not him!

  • Like 3
Posted
The truth is out, I gave her an ultimatum, truth or leave. She has been having sex with the OM.

 

Sorry to hear but, as you were told, every sign pointed to this. Adults don't interact this way in a non-sexual manner.

 

Her earnings are such that for her to leave would be financially unacceptable

 

Now you get to decide what price happiness. You'll never have peace of mind, assuming you stay in the marriage, if they continue to work together...

 

Mr. Lucky

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