BreathAgain Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 (edited) Hi! I really need some words of encouragement and need someone to just yank me out of this state of total despair! I haven't had it easy in the relationship department and I think after this I will just stop trying. I won't go into much detail, but I'm a 31 year old single mom. The father of my daughter and I broke up when I was a few weeks along and we haven't seen each other since. I did my very best not to let the sorrow overwhelm me and I got over him. But now to what actually brought me here: I've been working at this company for a close to 3 years, when I Fitts met this colleague of mine I was immediately attracted to him. But when I noticed he was married I completely forgot about that initial attraction and left it at that. But him and I started working together more often and surely enough became friends, I had no ideia that initial attraction I had was mutual until he started making subtle passes at me. I would always very gently but surely rebuff them and I would duck them. He would invite me to watch a movie, to go out,etc. And I would always mention his wife to give him a hint that I wasn't going to be involved like that with a married man. He never actually said anything specific but always made me understand that the marriage wasn't on solid grounds at all. But at the time I was also on love with the father of my daughter and dreamed of being with him, then I get pregnant. My colleague gets the hint I guess and but we remain friends. I left for my extended maternity leave and we didn't have much contact until he sent me a text out of the blue to ask how the baby and I were doing. We spoke and he told him and his wife were also expecting. A couple of months later (Jan '16) I return to work and we start talking more often. That's when I find out that they are living in the same house but leading separate lives. Then I find out (not through him but through a mutual friend I didn't know we had in common until then) that his marriage had been rocky form the start because the wife was a serial cheater and he kept at catching her in her lies and the wife had at some point confided in that friend that she wasn't sure who the father of the baby was. Anyways, he moved out of their house ( I even helped him with the move) and they were officially separated. That's when him and I became romantically involved. It was nice and I felt alive again after so much pain. But I was also very scared because of the fear of them getting back together even though at some point there was no communication whatsoever. He was there for the birth of the baby and they recently traveled together to go take the baby to a medical appointment. This past weekend was amazing. We spent the day together and had the best time I've had in months. This was Saturday. We spoke of our lives and he even referred to her as is ex-wife.On Monday we talked briefly and I asked him what is co-patenting situation was, that when he drops the bomb on me, he: says "It's non existent at the moment, but we're working things out." And I ask him: "What exactly are you trying to work out? Your marriage or your co-patenting agreement?" And he says: "I will be honest with you it's a little bit of both although I have no hope for the marriage because a lot of damage has been done". My heart is broken. I'm in love with this guy! How could he do this to me??? Knowing damn well the hell I went through with my ex. Why would he be involved with me while still hoping to work his marriage out? What kind of man goes back to a cheating wife? Help me I just can't understand. Edited August 9, 2016 by BreathAgain
JewelD Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Well, you were talking to him while he was still living with his wife. You helped him move out so you were technically the other woman and your relationship with him did not start on honest terms. Maybe the wife was a serial cheater, but it's likely he was too and that you weren't the first or only woman he was 'dating' while he was still with his wife. Now considering his dishonesty, it's not surprising that he would want to work things out with his wife if they had a baby. He probably realizes it would make his life a bit easier and he probably loves her to some extent. Not to mention that serial cheating thing might be an exaggeration. If I were you, I would get out of that situation quick. It's probably not going to end well and if he would cheat on her with you, he would cheat on you, too. 1
Captivating Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 It's good that you see things clearly. He is still emotionally attached to his ex-wife since they have a past.....also the woman cheated on him so it keeps him on his toes asking himself why he is not good enough...why did she cheat etc. if I have to guess that relationship eventually crumbles. You are in the midst of all of this, he likes you but his heart is in crumbles with the other woman. I would suggest to withdraw yourself from this situation be civil but tell him that you know he has a lot to sort out in his life, you want a man who also wants you. Focus on your little one for now to be the best Mom, you will find happiness again, don't worry ! It always takes time to get over and it sucks.....but it will happen. Take care !
salparadise Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 The inability to logically reconcile a love interest's motivations will drive you crazy and keep you stuck in an endless loop of hurt-hope-bewilderment-disappointment. He's probably stuck in that same loop with regard to his cheating ex-wife and questionable progeny. It keeps the brain chemistry spiking and ebbing, and that's addictive even though not pleasurable. You have to get away from that high-low stimuli while your brain equilibrates, and you have to accept that it will not be easy. How could he do this to you? Well, sorry to say but it's not really about you––it's about him and you're just sort of tangental to the whole thing. An option but not the focus. It's up to you to reject this position for yourself and quit expecting that his behavior will related to how you feel. He's not feeling what you feel. What kind of man goest back to a cheating wife? Not the kind with emotional health, firm boundaries and self-respect.
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