Thought about NC

[TexasGuy12]

I posted a thread earlier about my current situation, and I got quite a few comments about No Contact being strictly for the dumpee healing, and not a tool to get your ex back. I have some thoughts on that that I think could spark a discussion, so I figured I'd make a new thread focused strictly on that.

 

Basically, I totally get that No Contact is best used when it's used for the dumpee healing. However, I do think that some people act like not thinking about the ex and not wanting to get back together is way too simple than it is in reality.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with going NC, even ignoring the ex for a while if they reach out, focus on improving yourself (work out, go on trips, get new hobbies, reconnect with friends, date, etc) while also still acknowledging that deep down, if the circumstances were right, you'd be open to getting back with the ex.

 

If you love someone and spend a nice chunk of your life being intimate with them in all walks of life, breaking up does not automatically mean that you should never speak to them again or give up all hope of getting back together. At least in my opinion.

 

Does anyone see where I'm coming from and agree/disagree?

 

I just think it's easy for someone not currently going through a breakup to say, focus on yourself, don't use it to get your ex back, she's never coming back, it can never work, etc. But if that was true, no one would ever get back together and as we know, while it's not a majority, there's certainly couples who have been broken up who go on to get married and live happily ever after.

 

I guess my point is it's not a black/white line. There's a lot of grey area and why can't NC be about both, improving yourself and also setting yourself up to where if you do get the chance to get your ex back, you are able to take advantage of that opportunity by being a new you?

[darkbloom]

The majority of exes don't come back. Yes there is a one off situation where it happens and not every break up is the same. I get that.

 

But, the reason everyone advocates NC is because it's the only foolproof method for moving on with your life. Most of the time, breakups happen because one person doesn't love the other person anymore. The person left behind (the dumpee) still loves the other person, and will do all kinds of things to get back together with their dumper. Once a mirror is cracked though, it can never go back to being whole. You can try and force the pieces back together but most of the time they fall apart.

 

We talk about NC because it works. Just because you spent a lot of time with someone and experienced intimate moments with them doesn't mean that it always needs to stay that way. People come and people go.

 

(((Also, look at how many posts are in the break up section of this website. Look at how many of them deal with the pain caused by not being in NC. There are easily 10x as many posts about that than anyone ever successfully getting back together.)))

[Toodaloo]

You are grasping at straws.

 

No Contact actually helps both parties. Its not for a set amount of time its no contact to stop all those awful time when you get reminded of them. Its to encourage you to go and rebuild your life.

 

It does help people get over relationships much faster. As hard as it is to do. It helps.

[RocketQueen]

I am in the early initial stages of NC. I am doing it for me. I was starting to question my own sanity while in sporadic contact with my Ex who I actually think was more confused than me.

 

I wanted him back, I wanted the opportunity to make it work and actually thought a couple of times thats what we were doing.

 

The situation wasn't doing either of us any favours so I cut contact.

 

It is HARD as of yet my feelings FOR him haven't changed but my feelings towards the situation have.

 

There are days when I have wished he would break contact (he knows I am doing this and that I expressed a need to move on) but those days are few and far between.

 

I want to be happy again. I was happy before him and I will be happy without him, I don't expect to be the same because these events have changed me but I will find happiness and contentment again.

 

Can I (at the moment) categorically say I would never get back with him? No.

 

Can I categorically say I would be in a much better position to be objective and not be so gullible to jump back into his arms? Yes. Even in these early stages I already feel like giving him a chance would be a step backwards.

 

As time goes on I am getting stronger and the pull of what was is getting weaker. I am not silly and know that any form of contact right now could crush that, so I am caring for myself and just think the natural progression is that in time I will have no intention or even thoughts of the possibility of entertaining the idea of getting back with him.

 

As I am at the moment I would never say never but I with certainty can say I will say 'No thank you, not right now'.

 

I am liking who I am becoming and that for me is what MY no contact is about.

[Simon Phoenix]

Sounds like a lot of mental gymnastics to me. a) No Contact isn't nearly as effective if you aren't blocking and you are deciding to "ignore" instead because blocking because even if you don't respond, their contact is causing you to overthink and hinder your progress and b) while people do get back together and stay together, it's almost always way down the road to where the old relationship is dead, buried and gone and they reconnect in a new relationship.

 

Right now you're grasping onto the old relationship and trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again while pretending to move forward. Stop looking for ways to half-ass your recovery and commit to doing No Contact correctly. You can't move forward and evolve until you completely let go. So let go.

[Bialy]

I think NC is absolutely necessary, but the road to that point might vary depending on circumstances.

 

When I was 24 and briefly dated someone, it took me a short amount of time to stop communicating to him post-breakup. And it hurt as hell even though I had only been seeing him for a few months. Recovery was short though, looking back.

 

When I was 25, I dated someone for a few months in the summer and I didn't feel much of a connection with him. Post-breakup was very smooth. I just didn't feel anything for him.

 

Now at 34, after a 7 year relationship, it's damn hard to get to NC. I'm reaching that point, but it's been a slow drag as I continue to process feelings.

[TexasGuy12]

Sounds like a lot of mental gymnastics to me. a) No Contact isn't nearly as effective if you aren't blocking and you are deciding to "ignore" instead because blocking because even if you don't respond, their contact is causing you to overthink and hinder your progress and b) while people do get back together and stay together, it's almost always way down the road to where the old relationship is dead, buried and gone and they reconnect in a new relationship.

 

Right now you're grasping onto the old relationship and trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again while pretending to move forward. Stop looking for ways to half-ass your recovery and commit to doing No Contact correctly. You can't move forward and evolve until you completely let go. So let go.

 

Letting go is way, way easier said than done though. I agree that letting go is the quickest way to recover...the same way that going to the gym 3X a day is the bet way to get a 6 pack. Easier said than done.

 

The point of my original post is that I think in many situations, you can want to move on, want to heal, and take those necessary steps to do so, while also still loving the person and wanting them in an ideal world.

 

Perhaps this is my raw emotions talking and in a couple months, I'll be laughing at this post. We'll see. Just trying to articulate my thoughts as best as I can.

[BC1980]

The point of my original post is that I think in many situations, you can want to move on, want to heal, and take those necessary steps to do so, while also still loving the person and wanting them in an ideal world.

 

With or without NC, you're still going to love your ex and want her back for some time. NC doesn't make you stop feeling a certain way. NC gives you the space to heal and move on. Most people don't want to go NC, but, at some point, it becomes obvious that NC is the only way to move forward. Most people try to find anyway to avoid it actually. Most people try to come up with all kind of reasons why NC isn't the best in a certain situation, why they can actually still keep in contact with an ex and move on, how they might loose out on a chance down the road if they go NC, and so on and so forth. And I get all of that because I was once there myself. Sometimes, experience is the best teacher.

 

You know what's so ironic though? The fact that NC is the best way to try to get a second chance. Keeping in contact is one of the worst ways to get a second chance.

[BC1980]

Basically, I totally get that No Contact is best used when it's used for the dumpee healing. However, I do think that some people act like not thinking about the ex and not wanting to get back together is way too simple than it is in reality.

 

It's simple for us to talk about it because we have already been through the emotions. We have been where you are, so we know exactly what you need to do. No is going to tell you the emotional part is simple though. It's not.

[Simon Phoenix]

Letting go is way, way easier said than done though. I agree that letting go is the quickest way to recover...the same way that going to the gym 3X a day is the bet way to get a 6 pack. Easier said than done.

 

The point of my original post is that I think in many situations, you can want to move on, want to heal, and take those necessary steps to do so, while also still loving the person and wanting them in an ideal world.

 

Perhaps this is my raw emotions talking and in a couple months, I'll be laughing at this post. We'll see. Just trying to articulate my thoughts as best as I can.

 

Of course it's easier said than done, but it has to be done. Right now you are looking for excuses not to do it completely, which is counterproductive.

[aloneinaz]

Of course it's easier said than done, but it has to be done. Right now you are looking for excuses not to do it completely, which is counterproductive.

 

This ^^

 

It's normal to think like you're thinking OP, especially if you were dumped. I can also attest to the fact the no contact works to YOUR advantage. The point of it is out of sight, out of mind. If you're not communicating w/them, staring at their pictures or stalking their social media, you will heal the quickest.

 

My last serious R/S was toxic, dysfunctional, incurred too many break ups and was unhealthy. She ended it before I could/should of. My ego was bruised. This helped me. It made me mad. You don't want me in your life, you got it! I knew I'd never date her again because she had TOO many issues. I got pissed and vanished. Blocked her on social media, deleted all her pictures, etc.. After a month of NC, I felt SSOO much better. I started to date again and a few months later met my now GF I've been w/for years.

 

She never heard from me again once she ended it. The irony? She contacted me 6 months after the break up. She was ignored but kept trying via text, email and knocking on my door. I finally told her I was happily in a R/S and there was no reason to contact me again. Did that feel good? Oh hell yea.

[TexasGuy12]

This ^^

 

It's normal to think like you're thinking OP, especially if you were dumped. I can also attest to the fact the no contact works to YOUR advantage. The point of it is out of sight, out of mind. If you're not communicating w/them, staring at their pictures or stalking their social media, you will heal the quickest.

 

My last serious R/S was toxic, dysfunctional, incurred too many break ups and was unhealthy. She ended it before I could/should of. My ego was bruised. This helped me. It made me mad. You don't want me in your life, you got it! I knew I'd never date her again because she had TOO many issues. I got pissed and vanished. Blocked her on social media, deleted all her pictures, etc.. After a month of NC, I felt SSOO much better. I started to date again and a few months later met my now GF I've been w/for years.

 

She never heard from me again once she ended it. The irony? She contacted me 6 months after the break up. She was ignored but kept trying via text, email and knocking on my door. I finally told her I was happily in a R/S and there was no reason to contact me again. Did that feel good? Oh hell yea.

 

It makes me mad too. But I also still love her. As dysfunctional as my R/S was, I still love her very much. So 50% of the time I'm like, screw this girl, she did me wrong, I can't wait to stick it to her. But 50% of the time I'm like, I wish I could just hold her and be with her. That's the part that I'm struggling with.

 

I hope 6 months from now I'm in a position to ignored her as you did. But there is also a chance that I will still miss her and regret it not working out.

 

Did you have those same feelings I am having now early after your breakup? Like were you where I am now, and then you healed and ultimately ended up realizing she wasn't right for you/not caring?

Edited August 10, 2016 by TexasGuy12

[aloneinaz]

It makes me mad too. But I also still love her. As dysfunctional as my R/S was, I still love her very much. So 50% of the time I'm like, screw this girl, she did me wrong, I can't wait to stick it to her. But 50% of the time I'm like, I wish I could just hold her and be with her. That's the part that I'm struggling with.

 

I hope 6 months from now I'm in a position to ignored her as you did. But there is also a chance that I will still miss her and regret it not working out.

 

Did you have those same feelings I am having now early after your breakup? Like were you where I am now, and then you healed and ultimately ended up realizing she wasn't right for you/not caring?

 

Everything you wrote and are feeling is normal. We all have the feelings of wanting what we believe we can't have. We vacillate between hating them and missing them. Again.. very normal.

 

What got me through it was my pride. I said F-her. I tried hard to make us work despite her issues. My reward was for HER to end it. I promised myself that she'd NEVER hear from me again.. EVER..! That's why I went NC the day It ended. I wanted to heal from it. I focused on all the BS she and that R/S brought to my life. It simply wasn't worth it. Did I miss things about her? Yes but I knew in my heart we were NOT compatible.

 

Stay NC. Block her on everything. Focus on YOUR needs. Don't stare at old pictures, emails, texts, etc.. You need to let time heal you. You'll then get back to feeling good again. Focus on your future and what your next great R/S looks like. All those things worked for me.

 

Several years later, looking back at that failed R/S, I only see and remember the BS, drama and stress that it brought to my life while i was w/her. I've learned recently that she remarried. My honest thoughts when I heard? OMG, I feel so sorry for that guy.

 

You'll get there too.