sxbmb3388 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Hi, I'll give you a little back story to our relationship. Me (F,26) Him (M,31) Firstly, my ex bf, suffers with anxiety, bi polar and Aspergers. I know it would never be an easy ride, but I was prepared for that, and that was ok. These are the factors which contributed in me breaking up with him: He had been diagnosed with bipolar whilst we were together. I was so proud of him for going to the doctor, as there were frequent occasions I would feel tense and on edge around him and had to leave because he got so angry and worked up. (I will add that none of his aggression was ever aimed at me, but I didn't like it). He skipped his medication frequently though and his mood swings became pretty bad. He could be extremely petty: We were talking about going for a little holiday in Spain, I got so excited and started planning for it. We ended up having a little argument where he didn't speak to me for two days, I got worried and just wanted to make sure he was ok. I get a snapchat of him in the place in Spain where we had planned to go. I was devastated in all honesty, but was just so happy to hear from him as the silence panicked me. When he was depressed, it was awful: He would usually have a period once a month where he wouldn't speak to me, usually for a week. Just shut himself off to the world. I knew that was his depression, but it would make me panic and give me anxiety. He would never accept my help: I would always offer to help, and I don't know if it was pride ow what, that would never let him accept my help. It would annoy me because it would be a way for me to both see him, and hep make things more comfortable for him and the relationship better for both of us. When he was pissed at me, times were hard: The straw that finally broke the camels back for me was when he didn't speak to me for two weeks. I sent him several texts but heard nothing back. Eventually I got a text telling me that he wasn't good enough to be with me, and that he had seen my picture on a dating site (I had been on this site but haven't used it in about a year). It really bugged me because if he had just spoken to me about it, it would have been cleared up really quickly. His dog: He has this huge dog which literally tears his house apart. When we would leave the house and come back, the house would be trashed and this would make him angry- resulting in me leaving sometimes. I totally understood his anger, but at the same time, I couldn't understand why he kept the dog. He had to be in his house 24/7 meaning we couldn't do anything, and that he was always home- I thought this was really bad for his mental wellbeing. Of course this all sounds bad, but when things were good, I felt on top of the world. He also had this really lovely naivety to him which would just make me melt. He's posted things on Facebook since our breakup which tugs at my heartstrings. It's been 1 month of NC. I would have loved to have him in my life, but I left it up to him as I was the one who ended it. For me, I sometimes felt like maybe I was an enabler for everything, and allowed him to be this way so I thought he's not going to change if I stay. He needs to do well on his own. It's hard, I miss him a great deal, and would love for us to still be together because I'm still obsessed with him. I feel like things won't have changed much in a month. But I feel constantly anxious because I feel like the more time we spend apart, the more unlikely it is we will ever get back together. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can go about this. He has a lot of pride, and I've probably hurt him. So much. Maybe this isn't going to work, but I feel like now i'm just not done. It's hit me all at once, so suddenly. I was fine until I saw his facebook post yesterday, which could have been about me, and how abandoned he feels. Yes, it wasn't perfect. No I know a lot won't have changed, but maybe if we took baby steps to being more open with each other, instead of sweeping things under the carpet, could help?
preraph Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I can't in good conscience recommend you try again. My feeling is you would be happier with almost anyone. He doesn't even care enough about it to take his meds and try to be tolerable. I feel sorry for the dog. 3
Chi townD Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 You can't put this all on your shoulders. No one can blame you that it got to be too much. He has a lot of issues and none of them is his fault, however, skipping his meds and not getting a handle on his condition is! You just have to give yourself time to heal and for him as well. First step? Stop looking at his facebook. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 OP, this man isn't available for the type of relationship you are seeking. Despite the fact that he struggles with certain mental health issues, he sounds emotionally abusive. Think about it: you had an argument, so he goes silent then takes off to the vacation spot you'd planned to visit together and then sends you a photo? Who does that? A manipulative, power-tripping jerk, that's who. Do you really believe a man who behaves like that cares about you? This goes beyond problems with bi-polar or Aspberger's. Your use of the word "obsessed" is very telling. That isn't healthy. You have attached far too much importance to him. It indicates that you are measuring your own value based on how he perceives you, and not how you perceive - yourself. This relationship wasn't a healthy one; it was one-sided with you bearing the brunt of his whims and moods. You are so worried about meeting his needs that you have forgotten about your own. He isn't a good partner at this time. Can you honestly say you felt loved and cherished? That you felt he gave a crap about your well-being? Stop looking at his social media. He is a big boy and if he wants to reconcile, he needs to show you he is capable of taking some accountability here. He has not done that so far. You don't need to be his rescuer, his Florence Nightingale, his rock of stability. That screams of co-dependence and it's not the basis of the loving, mutually supportive relationship. He isn't interested in getting better at this point. You can't make him, either. For your own sanity, let this one go. 4
Author sxbmb3388 Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 I can't in good conscience recommend you try again. My feeling is you would be happier with almost anyone. He doesn't even care enough about it to take his meds and try to be tolerable. I feel sorry for the dog. That was a huge part of why I ended it, he got worse to the point where he was constantly angry and threatening to smash up his house all the time, I'm not used to that sort of behaviour so I was constantly tense. I even remember when we decided to have a BBQ, he burnt a burger and got so angry and literally screamed and threw it so hard over the other side of the garden. I never understood how you could get so mad at that type of thing, but I guess that was his bipolar. I've never dated a man with mental health issues before, so I only wanted to try to understand, and I guess that has been a reason for me to create excuses and I guess 'enable' his behaviour- another reason why I left! Thank you for your input. I guess I needed to hear that from someone who doesn't know me or him, just the situation. I came so close to texting him last night, but I didn't. Thank you! Xxx 1
Author sxbmb3388 Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 You can't put this all on your shoulders. No one can blame you that it got to be too much. He has a lot of issues and none of them is his fault, however, skipping his meds and not getting a handle on his condition is! You just have to give yourself time to heal and for him as well. First step? Stop looking at his facebook. It's weird. I was in a relationship for 7 years and the minute we broke up, I went NC (it's been 2 years) deleted everything, and didn't go on his FB for at least a year! I've never been this needy. I'm usually so independent in relationships, but where he was so emotionally disconnected sometimes, I feel like I over compensated and tried to take care of the both of us! It's nuts just how differently I'm handling this to my past relationships. Yes it was too much really, and I've not even got down the half of it really! Thank you so much for this! Xxx 1
Author sxbmb3388 Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 OP, this man isn't available for the type of relationship you are seeking. Despite the fact that he struggles with certain mental health issues, he sounds emotionally abusive. Think about it: you had an argument, so he goes silent then takes off to the vacation spot you'd planned to visit together and then sends you a photo? Who does that? A manipulative, power-tripping jerk, that's who. Do you really believe a man who behaves like that cares about you? This goes beyond problems with bi-polar or Aspberger's. Your use of the word "obsessed" is very telling. That isn't healthy. You have attached far too much importance to him. It indicates that you are measuring your own value based on how he perceives you, and not how you perceive - yourself. This relationship wasn't a healthy one; it was one-sided with you bearing the brunt of his whims and moods. You are so worried about meeting his needs that you have forgotten about your own. He isn't a good partner at this time. Can you honestly say you felt loved and cherished? That you felt he gave a crap about your well-being? Stop looking at his social media. He is a big boy and if he wants to reconcile, he needs to show you he is capable of taking some accountability here. He has not done that so far. You don't need to be his rescuer, his Florence Nightingale, his rock of stability. That screams of co-dependence and it's not the basis of the loving, mutually supportive relationship. He isn't interested in getting better at this point. You can't make him, either. For your own sanity, let this one go. Maybe he is emotionally abusive, but I doubt he means to be- I'm not trying to excuse that behaviour, and that's not the first time I've heard that. I think I'm going to try and see a therapist because maybe this is a reflection of my own self esteem issues, and I wouldn't like this to happen again in a relationship. I'm going to take some time out, just for me- I have so many goals I want to achieve so I'm going to look at getting where I want to be. I am obsessed and have been from the start. It's not good. I would literally drop everything and go running to him, but he never did the same if I needed him. I'm generally not a person that needs validation, but I got insecure once and he ignored me for a day until I said something to indicate I wasn't happy and just needed reassurance, which is what I'd provided the whole way through our relationship. I'm going to have to let it go. I'll have to have faith in the fact that what will be, will be. I hope he does good things for himself. Ugh. I hate this! Thank you so much for your opinion xxx 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 He knows what's he doing, OP. Going to a vacation place you'd talked about together and sending you a photo was very calculated. That was designed to hurt you. So yes, you need to stop making excuses. He knows he does things that hurt you, and he had the intention of doing just that. My ex also suffers from mental health issues and was emotionally and verbally abusive. If they won't help themselves, they won't get better. We can't make them do it. In all likelihood, that irrational anger would sooner or later have been turned against you - physically. Don't assume he's not capable of it. This is often how physical violence starts. He's already got you exactly where he wants you, which is under his thumb. He is in control and he knows it. He doesn't love you, that's for sure. Take it from someone who's been where you are - stay away from him. Get yourself into therapy to begin healing and understanding why you needed so much validation from a guy like him. You may want to begin by reading up on codependency and Attachment Styles. Until then, you will be trapped in this toxic mess. And believe me when I say, it will get worse if you go back. 2
Satu Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 (edited) Get on with your own healing, and let him do as he pleases. Stay away from his social media. Take care. Edited August 9, 2016 by Satu 1
aloneinaz Posted August 10, 2016 Posted August 10, 2016 Sounds like maybe you're a "fixer" type? My GF's daughter won't dump her abusive BF because she has that syndrom. She thinks she obligated to stick w/that guy because she needs to fix him to what she believes he can be. We don't understand it. My experiences with having LTR's with two different gals w/clear mental heath issues is they don't change. Things don't get better. In most cases, they can get even worse. You should feel lucky you're out of that situation. Stay NC, block them on social media and date to find someone who's healthy and wants the same out of a relationship as you do.
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