I am currently undecided about what to do with my relationship.

[DGOC25]

OK, here I am at a loss. I’m reaching out to the internet to see what others think of my situation. I’m currently in emotional turmoil right now over a pending break-up. Yes, I say pending, because we’ve sort of broken up, but not really, and we’re still living together. Sorry for the long read, but here it goes…

I am currently undecided about what to do with my relationship. It all started 15 years ago at a Blockbuster video store. I was a budding 22-year old, just graduated from college and moved to the City. Within a month of moving there I met my current partner. At first, I must admit, I was quite smitten with my new beau. I was 22, he 35. After dating for the first couple of months, I noticed a couple of things that I thought I could “change” – his general view towards the world, his unhappiness, etc. One major issue that I took up with was that he was not a “worker” he didn’t have a full time job – which I overlooked as I figured this guy has his own apartment and car, he should be good.

 

Well two years into the relationship we had a devastating blow – I found out I was HIV positive. Knowing that I had been with no one but him I felt devastated. After about a month of silence, etc. and how to continue life being HIV+ through counseling I confided in him as we were still sleeping together.

 

The thing is, that he knew he was positive but never told me. Now, most people are asking how I could not be angry at him for that!?! However, it wasn’t him that I was angry at, it was me. I was angry at myself for not protecting myself. Working through that was tough, but we persevered. After all, I was still in love with him – and still am.

 

After many trials and tribulations, I have been the only one in the relationship that has tried to make things work – as in maintaining a household. Every major move we’ve made, it was my decision, everything from buying furniture, to paying bills has been on my back. I’ve exhausted all financial resources including payday loans, loans from family, etc. and now, we’re facing a major blow – we have to move based on the fact that I can’t maintain the household on my own anymore.

 

I’ve confided in him many times over the last couple of months letting him know that things are slipping and I needed his help. It’s like I’ve been on a lifeboat floating towards a waterfall as I’ve seen this day coming. It seems like those pleas for help have fallen on deaf ears. It’s been about a month now and I simply told him I can’t do this!

 

In the past, this formula worked. Although it was not ideal, I didn’t feel the financial pinch I’m now feeling. He does take care of the household (cleaning, cooking, etc.) however, I don’t need a maid. I’ve continued to make successful strides in my career all along carrying his “dead weight”. Let me be clear, I am NOT fine with him NOT working. It’s put an undue strain on me. I’ve had to work two jobs, take up dead end jobs, etc. just to make ends meet.

 

I think what’s making it so hard to leave is that I’m a tad bit co-dependent myself. Afterall, I’ve spent the last 15 years of my life with this man. There was a small aspect of a father/son dynamic throughout our relationship which is why I think I’m having such a hard time with this. I’ve isolated friend and now we live where there is no family. All in an effort to “live a better life”. I’ve managed to obtain a good level of support from my friends through work, and to be honest, that’s the only way I’ve gotten this far.

 

Another problem that is creeping up is that I think I might be dealing with someone who is delusional. Not only is he wrapped up in a conspiracy theory that has totally engulfed his life, but he yelled at our leasing lady telling her that she and her company were “out to get us” based on some old records that he reviewed (they really aren’t’ out to get us). I talked with his mom a little about what’s happening – just to alert her that her son may be on her doorstep asking for a place to live. Assuring her that things were o.k., but we were experiencing some problems.

 

I’ve asked him if he’s depressed, he’s said no. I asked him why doesn’t he get off of benefits and just find a job, it would be a lot less stressful for the both of us, but when I ask him this, it’s like he wants to avoid the subject or blame the government for his woes. I frequently wonder what he does all day with all of that free time – where I barely have any.

 

It’s gotten so bad that the sex is routine, or less frequent (because I won’t put out because I’m upset with him). At first, or for the first 11 years, we used to have sex at least 5 times per week! He still asks for it though as though nothing is going on around us.

 

Most people are saying to dump him! Get rid of him and live the rest of your life. I do have the means and the ability to do so, however, I just simply can’t – I think. To date, I’ve secured a place to live, have storage for our stuff, and the last straw is getting a change of address form – which I have to do this week.

 

This whole situation has gotten to me, it’s effecting my health, my happiness and has given me extreme anxiety to the point now where I don’t even know where I want to be in my life. My inner gut and mind is telling me to let him go – that it would be the best for both of us.

 

The reason I’m so upset or uneasy I believe is that I used the scapegoat of the finances to avoid how I really feel – The reason we’re in this mess is because you won’t step up, take responsibility for your own actions, or inactions and work to make this relationship and our household work! He currently thinks that this is just a “change” in our relationship status or temporary. But I feel that if he wants to come back after this, then he’s going to have to make some changes. I’m just going to have to tell him that he needs to get his stuff together or we can’t work out. Sounds easy, I know, but for some reason I can’t tell him that.

 

I don’t want to think that I’m afraid of him, but I am afraid of his reaction. I don’t know how he’s going to react. Maybe in my mind, if I do say that verbally, out loud, that I may be pushing my own bluff and forced to move. This was not the outcome I was hoping for when we made the move. He told me that he was going to “try to do better”. My whole adult life has been built on this relationship and my senses are telling me it’s time to move on. When I’m at work, I’m fine – kind of; when I’m away from him, I’m fine - however, when I get home, I turn back into the submissive 22 year old I was when we first met. I get conflicting feelings in regard to what I should do. I just don’t feel like I’m growing as a person in this relationship. We get along, but only to a minimum. We don’t enjoy some of the same things, and overall, the mood of the relationship is in shambles.

 

I know that I am to trust my instincts, they won’t lead me astray, but my emotional self is holding me back. I’m truly in a war of the heart! As my mom stated, if it’s an issue of the heart, then “there’s nothing anyone can tell you, you’re going to have to figure that part out.” But that leaves me at square one!

 

I’m torn, literally. I don’t know what to do. I have all of my ducks in a row, as I have to move this weekend, however, every fiber of my being except for the 10% of sanity I have left is telling me to stay. I just don’t want this to turn into an ongoing saga where three months from now, he’ll be expecting to “come back” and everything will be like it was before, because it won’t. I’m now 38 and feel that I have to make this change before things get worse or I become homeless! Has anyone else experienced this type of scenario. In my mind, I think this should be easy. I have no kids, (a fur kid which loves him to death), my own car, and a decent job making a decent living. However, I have never been as lost as I am now. Any advice or how you see things would be helpful.

Edited August 8, 2016 by DGOC25
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[preraph]

I'm so sorry to hear your plight. I first just want to make sure you are able to be on the best drugs, because if you are, then people are living lives now with AIDs. So first, above everything else, be sure you are seeing the best doctor for the disease and getting and able to afford the best care.

 

I can't keep writing unless I remind you how cruel it was for him to keep having unprotected sex with you when he knew the whole time. This alone should tell you his capacity for love and empathy are pretty low.

 

And if anyone is the parent, it may be you. After all, you're the provider.

 

Now, you have to means to get out on your own, and you need to do it. You need to stop wasting money on him and enabling him. It is doing him no favors. If he plunges into depression, maybe he will seek help, but you can't change him. You've had plenty of time to change him and he hasn't changed. He has to want to do it.

 

You take your little pet so you know it's being cared for.

 

You are feeling codependency. But as you said, your best instincts are telling you it's time to go. And it is. Time to go and take care of yourself, have all your money to spend on the best maintenance drugs, and get away from that stress at home. He's acting like a little boy, he gave you a disease without a blink. You'd be FAR better off alone or with a female roommate.

 

Be brave. You fear the unknown. You were very young when you met him, but everyone should live on their own for at least a year or two . You'll be amazed how you'll blossom without his influence around, I promise. It will be scary at first, but you'll have your pet. You can call back all those friends he isolated you from and see who will come back into your life. And never, ever, leave your friends or pets behind for a man. Never. I'm 63, and from what I've seen, this is the worst mistake you can make, putting all your eggs into that one basket.

 

And yes, he does sound delusional. Again, not what you need to be around. He has mental health concerns and needs to be under care. Maybe leaving will throw him into enough crisis to make him get real professional help that he needs. Good luck.