mammax3 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 "When" do you fall in love? Is there a typical period of time which passes? I know there are a million variables, and they're all uniquely attached to the individuals. I find I'm hesitant to say I love you - I've been married and divorced, and I have 3 kids - because it has a different connotation than when I was a teen and in my early 20s. It's a way more serious proclamation now - and I *almost* feel like I'm pledging the rest of my life to him. It's been an amazing 3 (almost 4) months when we've been regularly connecting and seeing each other. I really feel I'm a better person with him. I was slightly slow and shy about starting up because of my history, and he is really really unbelievable for me. I do feel I love him, and I can definitely see a future for us (but I am kind of scared!) Anyway. I guess I'm curious how you might "know" you're in love as an adult, and is 3 months too soon to say it? 1
Larryville Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I saw this in an article talking about a longer book about falling in love: the significant stages of a romantic relationship are simply “falling in love” and “love.” If falling in love is like taking off or flying, then love is like landing. Falling in love is being high above the clouds; love is standing firmly on the ground. Falling in love is like a flower; love is like a fruit. The fruit comes from the flower, but they are two different things. “And there is really no point in asking if the flower is better than the fruit or vice versa. By the same token, there is no point in asking whether the nascent state is better than the institution. One does not exist without the other. Life is made of both.” Falling in love is a positive, energizing process that causes both physiological and psychological changes. I don’t think there is a time, I did not “fall in love” with either of my wives but the love simply grew. Most people who write about it will say if you can get beyond the 3-4 month period AND if you have been able to navigate the rough patches (meaning if all you have experienced is the bliss stuff) you can’t be “in love.” Love is being able to navigate and endure the hardships and believing instinctively that you want to work thru those kinks and bumps in the road. If you say to yourself (is this crap worth it?) you certainly are NOT in love. 2
Author mammax3 Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 Thanks Larryville. I think you hit on what my concern is/was. I know I can't *love* him in that married for 5 years, see-each-other-in-bathroom, we've-been-through-**** sort of way, so I couldn't see how I could love him, as a result. While I was searching this site for insight to this question, I came upon some of my old posts from my post-divorce toxic relationship, and my divorce posts. Whew. I had a LOT of questions and confusions about relationships, and what healthy looked like. I know I still struggle, but this man does not cause me any issues - anything that comes up is triggered from my past, and he is patient with me. Realizing how he *is* compared to my 2 past relationships, was shocking to me. He's nothing like them, and so some of my hesitancy was reduced. While I feel that 3-4 months might be too short, I can see that - as it relates to your post, Larryville - I love everything about him and figure I can endure the upcoming hardships with him, and believe we can get through the kinks. Thank you - I loved that distinction. So I told him last night. I leaped because life feels short, and I don't want to regret not saying it. Thanks Lv! 1
jen1447 Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 This probably isn't too helpful to your current situ but I did it instantly w my most recent. I think if you're looking to quantify and define what it is and constrain it by timetables, it probably isn't that thing by the time you figure it out, and maybe never was.
Author mammax3 Posted August 10, 2016 Author Posted August 10, 2016 That's an interesting point, jen - about quantifying things. I think I get caught up because I don't know what's healthy or normal and I don't want to eff things up. Or maybe it's because in the past I've been ridiculed for things I've said or done and that makes me nervous. Anyway. I've said it. He's said it. And we're in luuuurve
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