BikerAccnt Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 OK, so... I go on a club ride yesterday (motorcycle), kind of a big ride, gets lots of other clubs involved. And who should I see for the first time since we split up 5 mos. but, my Ex-gf, . I know she's remained friends with a number of people in the club, and apparently, either she asked, or was asked to accompany this guy on the run. This isn't about her being there with someone else, frankly I think they are just friends, and if not, she's really downgraded. This is about the whole concept of closure, and why there really isn't any. So, we said hello, and after the initial uncomfortableness was over, I/we were fine. We didn't hang out, I didn't chat her up, she did however come to talk briefly to me at most every stop. She asked if we were "good". I said, yeah, we're fine. I don't hate you. She said she was relieved (I'm not sure why it would really have mattered if I had). I asked about her kids...stuff like that. She asked if I was happy with my new girl (how she knew I had one is beyond me, club blabbermouths no doubt.) So..anyway, at the end of a long day of riding I was leaving to take off and she asked if she could walk me to my bike. She said she wanted to say something, to get closure. I told her that really wasn't necessary, but, she said for her it was. I won't go into the detail of what she said, it was brief and didn't last but two minutes, but folks, there is no closure. When something is done its done. It doesn't help me to know that she's sorry about how things ended, that she's still trying to find herself, that she didn't mean to hurt me...blah blah blah. I mean, yeah, it's great she feels all those things, but it doesn't help me any. I'm sure it helped her to say those things. All it does is peels back a healing scab. Best to let things heal and be done with it. I just told her it's ok, timing wasn't right, good luck, we hugged, and I rode off. Seriously, I've never thought "closure" talks do any good. Either someone broke up with you for reasons you can do nothing about, or they broke up with you for good reason. Closure talks close nothing. What's funny, is her closure was all about her, she never once inquired "why" I ended it. Pretty typical really. My New Girl treats me so much better it's night and day. I was fine without the closure talk, I had made my own closure. Now, she's in my head again. Hopefully, not for very long. 2
jen1447 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Closure talks close nothing. Sorry to subvert your thread (I wish you hadn't had to see your ex fwiw but you'll be fine ) but it always surprises me how the anti-closure crowd denounces closure for everybody. For some ppl, closure is a very good thing. 2
Author BikerAccnt Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 Sorry to subvert your thread (I wish you hadn't had to see your ex fwiw but you'll be fine ) but it always surprises me how the anti-closure crowd denounces closure for everybody. For some ppl, closure is a very good thing. Ok, that's fair. Closure works for some, but usually, I believe, it's for the person that desires it, which is usually only one out of the two people that were in the relationship. Still, I stand correct Jen, I over generalized.
jen1447 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 Think of it this way ....if it helped her - even if she was ultimately more at fault than you (no idea about the specs) about the R ending - isn't that a good thing? You were the bigger man and allowed her sth she apparently needed, even if you didn't want it or need it so much and it left you in a temporary bad space. That's admirable. 1
Author BikerAccnt Posted August 8, 2016 Author Posted August 8, 2016 That's a good way of looking at it Jen, thanks. Especially considering I really wish her or her family no ill will. If she needed it, she needed it, and I know I'll move past it quick enough. 2
RocketQueen Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 You have moved on and have what appears to be a good, loving relationship and from what you have written- you deserve it. Like Jen said, it is very admirable. Her not asking you about the break up speaks volumes that she knows her part and why it ended. It is natural that she will be on your mind for the moment and its human nature to question these things. You rightly so ended the relationship and now you have been gentlemanly enough to give her what SHE needed at the risk of some temporary strange feelings for you. Draw a line under it. And continue in your happy relationship knowing that you have given peace to someone else. Now thats closure! I wish you happiness x 2
Bialy Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 It sounds like you're at a good place and are able to see things clearly. It makes a huge difference. To be in a healthy relationship and then to run into your ex --- it makes you appreciate your current partner. I think that's huge and, in a way, a sense of closure and confirmation for yourself that you are on the right path. 2
Bialy Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Sorry to subvert your thread (I wish you hadn't had to see your ex fwiw but you'll be fine ) but it always surprises me how the anti-closure crowd denounces closure for everybody. For some ppl, closure is a very good thing. I agree with this --- I've met several people who were shut out by their exes and were never given an opportunity to say their piece. Even though all of these people have moved on and are in healthy relationships/marriages now, there's still a part of them that has some unresolved anger and/or hurt that's buried deep in their hearts for how their anti-closure exes handled the post-breakup. 3
JFReyes Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I agree with this --- I've met several people who were shut out by their exes and were never given an opportunity to say their piece. Even though all of these people have moved on and are in healthy relationships/marriages now, there's still a part of them that has some unresolved anger and/or hurt that's buried deep in their hearts for how their anti-closure exes handled the post-breakup. Yep, that's right. 2
Author BikerAccnt Posted August 9, 2016 Author Posted August 9, 2016 All of you have made a lot of sense, thank you for helping me see things in a different light. This is why I like coming to LS! All the best to all of us! 2
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