suckered Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I have been dating a guy for around 6 months. We were friends first and have a lot of mutual friends. It takes me a while to open up and trust someone. My new bf has started to jokingly mention to our friends how I "freak out over everything". It's always said in light hearted manner but I am starting to get a little offended. What he means is that I have a stressful job and I usually confide in him about work problems. He has been supportive so far but his comments make me think that I shouldn't be confiding in him as much. I am a very private person and put up a cheerful front for people I don't know well. I was feeling really relaxed with my bf and it's actually a privilege that I talk to him about my worries openly. Obviously he doesn't see it like that. For the record, we haven't had any relationship issues yet for me to "freak out over". Am I over sensitive to his comments? This makes me want to pull back and be less open around him...which can lead to it being a deal breaker for me long term.
Nowty V Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 This makes me want to pull back and be less open around him...which can lead to it being a deal breaker for me long term. If this is your personality type, and he doesn't cherish it, what can you do? He is obviously unaware of the privileged position he is in with you. If you really really liked him you could go through the process of educating him and establishing boundaries .... What would his reaction be? At best he could respect your wishes, at worst he could dine out on the story and milk it for whatever cheap ways his dumb brain allowed him.
h0000 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 If you always talk about work problems he may feel you are constantly complaining and nagging and is overall a negative person which is not attractive at all. Not sure what you mean by privilege. It's a privilege that he gets to hear your whinge?? Hmm I'm not sure many people would like such privilege 8
Redhead14 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I think he's just saying that you let things get to you too much and too often. It's ok to vent to a significant other once in a while. Say what you want to say and move on. Don't keep doing it every day though and over every little thing that happens. After a while, it just seems like drama . . . 1
Emilia Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 I think discussions over work need to be controlled, especially when the other person feels powerless if you are stressed. My ex husband used to complain about his bosses all the time but would not do anything about resolving the situation (like quitting). It was really distressing to listen to him as work took away his confidence yet... he wouldn't do anything about it. I'm not suggesting this is what you are doing OP but it sounds like you are stressing out your boyfriend, you need to find another outlet. You can't expect the other person just to absorb it all. Boundaries are important. 2
anika99 Posted August 8, 2016 Posted August 8, 2016 It sounds like you are venting every little problem you have at work and dumping it on your bf and on top of that you think he should feel lucky that he gets to listen to your complaints. Significant others are supposed to be supportive of us when we really have a problem. Friends should be supportive too. But it when it just becomes daily complaining over things that you can't or won't change then your complaining just becomes self-centered and nobody is going to feel privileged to listen to it. Your bf isn't making a light hearted statement. Sure it's being passed off as a joking sort of comment right now but I sense there is some resentment starting to stew under the surface. You should talk to him about and ask him straight up what he means. Be willing to listen to him and fairly judge if what he says has merit. By the last statement you made in your post it sounds like if he isn't willing to listen to you complain to your heart's content and feel grateful for it, then that will be a deal breaker for you. That's your choice. Good luck on finding the guy who thinks listening to other peoples problems is a blessing he should be thankful for.
SammySammy Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 It's possible that you do freak out over everything, but that doesn't mean he needs to share that with others. I'm a private person also and I understand you wanting to keep your private conversations private. I would let him know how you feel. Otherwise, you'll continue to be offended and end up resenting him. Address it. Even good relationships need fine tuning from time to time. 1
anna121 Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 How often do you vent to him, and about what sorts of issues? I'm the same way - I rarely discuss problems while my H will talk about work all day long. So when I do open up he is quite attentive. But I don't vent every day or, even, every week.
LexiB Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 Have you ever asked him what he means by that? Did he tell you he was referencing your work complaints?
MrDuck Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 You know, my gf would only really talk to me about stuff shes worried about. To everyone else it would probably look like nothing in the world worries her! In that respect it is a nod to our bond and the strength of our relationship that she can talk to me. BUT This hinges on a couple of things: 1) frequency If she was constantly moaning about everything then it comes off as just that, moaning, and it would make her seem negative. Being around negative people isnt fun, it brings you down in the end 2) content The stuff she tells me is valid. Even if it isnt something I would worry about its stuff that i know exactly would effect her for whatever reason. She isnt bringing up anything that i would consider trivial (at least very very rarely). I dont know what your and you bf's conversations are like.. but thats my take on it either way.
Vado Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I have been dating a guy for around 6 months. We were friends first and have a lot of mutual friends. It takes me a while to open up and trust someone. My new bf has started to jokingly mention to our friends how I "freak out over everything". It's always said in light hearted manner but I am starting to get a little offended. What he means is that I have a stressful job and I usually confide in him about work problems. He has been supportive so far but his comments make me think that I shouldn't be confiding in him as much. I am a very private person and put up a cheerful front for people I don't know well. I was feeling really relaxed with my bf and it's actually a privilege that I talk to him about my worries openly. Obviously he doesn't see it like that. For the record, we haven't had any relationship issues yet for me to "freak out over". Am I over sensitive to his comments? This makes me want to pull back and be less open around him...which can lead to it being a deal breaker for me long term. Suckered, this is a typical guy/girl misunderstanding. If a guy tells a about a problem to another guy which is a friend, he mostly responds like this: 1. Brings up or thinks about a solution or 2. Says (and if necessary explains why) that it's not a big deal. This helps most guys, and they feel better. But girls don't usually. If 1. the girl thinks: he doesn't listen, if 2. he doesn't take me serious. Options for you: 1. tell him: I want you to listen, not to judge about it and please don't put it in perspective 2. Tell your problems to your (girl)friends.
Gaeta Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I have been dating a guy for around 6 months. We were friends first and have a lot of mutual friends. It takes me a while to open up and trust someone. My new bf has started to jokingly mention to our friends how I "freak out over everything". It's always said in light hearted manner but I am starting to get a little offended. I am a very private person and put up a cheerful front for people I don't know well. I was feeling really relaxed with my bf and it's actually a privilege that I talk to him about my worries openly. Obviously he doesn't see it like that. Am I over sensitive to his comments? This makes me want to pull back and be less open around him...which can lead to it being a deal breaker for me long term. I am not sure I follow you. You started your last thread with: I like to communicate openly about my thoughts and feeling And now you're saying you are not and if you talk to your boyfriend about your private things than he's very privileged? I don't know, it sounds contradicting to me. Then you say you have a lot of mutual friends, then you talk about being reserved in front of people you don't know well but didn't you just tell us those are friends? I think you don't like your boyfriend to tease you this way. You're trying to explain why you don't like it but it doesn't really hold the road. You know you don't need a reason to not like it. You are allowed to just not like it and ask him to stop. Nothing more to it. Honey I don't like it when you tease me about freaking out all the time. Leave out all this 'I am a private person blahblahblah'. End of story.
basil67 Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 I agree that you need to ask him to stop teasing you. That said, you also need to hear what he's saying. While it's great to be a sounding board for a partner, there comes a time when it's too much. For example, my hubby and I have recognised that when we start bringing work home and venting too often, it's time to change jobs.
JewelD Posted August 9, 2016 Posted August 9, 2016 If the teasing is excessive, it should be addressed. However, he might be subconsciously letting you know that he is unhappy with the way things are going. As thrilling as it is to us, nobody wants to hear about all of our problems all the time. Sometimes we expect our partner to just tolerate it but negativity can be draining to them as well. Writing in a journal might help. 1
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