We spent so much time together that after an intense 1.5 years,my bf is feeling bored

[gwendy]

PLEASE, any help is so much appreciated. thank you so much.:o

 

We started off obsessed with each other. I slept over since the day we met. We basically gave each other no room to breathe for 1.5 years, because we loved each other so much. I delved into my schoolwork and him, and lost touch with my girlfriends and hobbies. He did a better job at keeping his friends, though. We both hung out with each other because it was easier to, rather than make sure we kept a balanced life.

 

We moved in this summer (only for summer). This ended up being a bad move, since we continued our routine and did not do anything not separately.

 

This week he realized he felt unhappy. We had a great talk. He was crying throughout, but we realized where we went wrong. He lost the spark. He always told his friends that this relationship made his life better, but as of very recent it hasn't. We made plans to fix it. We are not going to sleep together every night (3 times only), we will have boys and girls nights, we'll be trying to go on new and fun dates, and I will be building myself back up. He told me he loved me and that this was absolutely not about any other girls or wanting to be single. He really does love me

 

Before he realized his unhappiness, we had planned a vacation together. Unfortunately, my availability was open only when his friends were doing a gathering. He resented not being able to go and was unusually upset, not understanding why. After the talk, we realized his reaction represented the whole relationship. I moved things around, and made sure he could go. He was so happy, and said he loved me. Things were great the next day- he was visibly lifted and was reminded by how awesome of a person I am to do that.

 

He had to leave for 2 weeks after that, to see his parents and go on his friend's trip. It's been 5 days. I feel like breaking down every single hour. I broke down on day two and asked if after setting up goals, could he picture himself being as happy as he was? He couldn't answer (he is a very honest man), which caused me to panic. But I told him that he needs time to get those feelings back, since although we identified the problem, not enough time has passed.

 

Sadly today, I accidentally saw that he liked his ex hookup's picture. This is very unusual for him. I decided not to bring it up; I don't want to look insecure and drive him away. But it hurts. I can understand he might do this if he is feeling these things though.

 

He is trying. He said he wants to try to fix it. He is actively planning our vacation and is looking forward to it. But when we videochatted today to plan, he sounded monotonous and his face did not light up as usual (he may have been tired from a day of swimming). He doesn't say I love you to me first.

 

I don't know how to get through my days without breaking down. I'm seeing my friends and have my days full - he's been so impressed I've been doing that and happy about it. But I miss him.

How can I best go about handling this, so that we can fix this relationship rut?

 

How can I balance not overwhelming him, while also trying to figure out where he stands as the days go by?

 

Is it possible to fix things at this point? I can do whatever I can, but I want him to try his best to think of me in a positive light and think positive thoughts. I can't force that though.

Our vacation is a week away. How can I handle it if he doesn't seem as eager to see me as usual?

 

We are so good together. I can see exactly where we went wrong. I just wish this was a quick and foreseeable fix. I don't want to throw a beautiful thing away.

Edited August 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spacing ~6

[startingagain15]

I think you need to try harder to give him space. Panicking and smothering him is only going to drive him further away. Step back and let him come back to you when he's ready. He can't figure out where he stands if you're asking him every day or every other day where he stands. He needs time to evaluate and think.

[gwendy]

thank you to everyone who reads this!

[gwendy]

Thank you for your response! I agree with everything you said. It's hard to follow through with that, but it's what I need to do.

How long do you think I should be giving him space for? I'm afraid of how long - if ever- it will take for him to feel interest in us/me again... He is actively trying to fix things and implement our ideas, but I can still tell the emotions aren't really back yet. How can I push the favors so that when he evaluates and thinks, he gets those happy feelings from me again?

[gymgirl36]

Relax. Give him some space. Keep finding ways to keep yourself busy. When he knows where he stands, he'll tell you. You can't force anything as much as you want to find a way to make it happen faster. Hopefully it won't take long, but if he's still looking forward to your vacation, that's a good sign. Try not to read things into his behaviors. You'll drive yourself crazy!

[gwendy]

I would appreciate any and all the input I could possibly get! Thank you

[joyyu22]

I understand how wonderful it is to be able to see someone you love everyday and come home to them and know that it is just as happy for them to see you as you are to see them. But sometimes people need space, you read my post so think of that as your lesson. I completely devote to him I spent every waking moment with him and didn't put work on my relationships with my friends. I am a cautionary tale really. I know it's going to be really hard but trust me. You have to.

[Leigh 87]

I don't think he is that into you.

 

It feels off because it is; you sense imminent doom because righf now as we type, he is realising in his heart that you are not the "One"

 

There is lust and then there is love.

 

Sometimes we feel instant chemistry and deep infatuation and obsession, for people who ee later realise we do not actually click with on a deeper level.

 

It goes deeper than meeting, having the sparks and fireworks and getting along well. I have jad sizzling fireworos with men who I got along well with! Yet we just did not " click" enough to warrant a long term love.

 

You and your bf met, had decent enough chemistry, and now it has become apparant that your bf just doesn't have thst gut level feeling that he is still in love.

 

I am sure he loves you as a person. He just is not IN love anymore. And many couples are both still in love after years.

 

It is not a given that the sparks die or lessen after a given amount of time. I know couples who have hot sex after years.

 

Look, when thinge are right, between two people, you just FEEL IT. You " know" nothing is off.

 

What you are experiencing is what myself and mamy others I know of have ALL been through JUST close to when an ex broke it off with us.

[soyou]

The only thing you can do at this moment which may help you to SAVE your relationship is:

 

BACK OFF & GIVE HIM SPACE

 

It's difficult and it may give you a lot of doubts and pain. You NEED to do it, not only for him but also for yourself

 

Now it's time for you to get your own self and own life back. So in worst case, even if he decides to leave, you still have a life around you... Your life will not only be surrounded by him

 

A few suggestions:

 

1. Reconnect with old friends and family. Make new friends

2. Hit the gym (every time you get panic or stressed, hit the gym). Exercise will not only help you to fight your mood swing but also help you to look better, sexier

3. Find a part-time job which you like (extra money, new friends, less free time)

 

 

It took me many years and costed me a number of relationship to learn a big lesson. You ALWAYS need to give each other space in relationship. You ALWAYS need to have your own friends, hobbies and a beautiful life around you instead of only your partner.

 

This mindset will make you feel confident and happy. This mindset will make your relationship stay very healthy. Most importantly, your partner will always feel excited and attracted to you.

 

 

Good luck & all the best

[gwendy]

I don't think he is that into you.

 

It feels off because it is; you sense imminent doom because righf now as we type, he is realising in his heart that you are not the "One"

 

There is lust and then there is love.

 

Sometimes we feel instant chemistry and deep infatuation and obsession, for people who ee later realise we do not actually click with on a deeper level.

 

It goes deeper than meeting, having the sparks and fireworks and getting along well. I have jad sizzling fireworos with men who I got along well with! Yet we just did not " click" enough to warrant a long term love.

 

You and your bf met, had decent enough chemistry, and now it has become apparant that your bf just doesn't have thst gut level feeling that he is still in love.

 

I am sure he loves you as a person. He just is not IN love anymore. And many couples are both still in love after years.

 

It is not a given that the sparks die or lessen after a given amount of time. I know couples who have hot sex after years.

 

Look, when thinge are right, between two people, you just FEEL IT. You " know" nothing is off.

 

What you are experiencing is what myself and mamy others I know of have ALL been through JUST close to when an ex broke it off with us.

 

Thanks for your response! I'm not so sure that he was just feeling lust. He isn't a very sexual person, (we were never a "hot sex" kind of couple, he has a low sex drive) he has only been with one other person besides me despite going through college and partying a lot. He is extremely handsome, and he is/has always drawn attraction to very beautiful women, constantly, that he always rejected because he never wanted to date anyone that he wasn't sure was future wife material. He places importance on personality, a very very specific personality, and I match that very well. He has always said he was serious about our future, and he's was crying because he doesn't want to feel this way (bored). But I understand exactly why he's feeling bored, it's because we spent way too much time together this summer by moving in together.It's natural to feel that way - we literally woke up together, ate every meal together, went out together, and slept together. Every single day.

I feel like no matter any amazing couple, doing that would lead to this at one point or another. I felt this way about him one time long ago, it lasted for 1 week, but I remembered all of his qualities, I went on vacation with my family for a week and didn't see him, and that helped me get through it. After, I fell back in love.

I just wish that he can do the same this time around, and that the steps we are taking to balance our lives will help :/

[gwendy]

soyou, do you think that this time it is too late? I will exactly follow your advice. But it pains me to think that I need to use such a beautiful relationship with such an ideal person, knowing I fit exactly what he looks for in a girl (he is so so so selective when dating!!!) , that this will just be a "lesson". We are both extremely selective when dating, and we both know that we match each other so well.

[Dis]

Hi hun, the most important piece of advice I can give you here is....

 

You need to be happy and complete on your own

 

You seem to be extremely co-dependant and I can tell you from experience that co-dependant relationships (such as your relationship with your bf) never ever last

 

You need to start to step out of your comfort zone...its great that you've been busy with friends while your bf is gone but you need to keep that up when he's around too...you're way to available to him

 

I've struggled with co-dependance many times in the past...so I can relate alittle to how you feel...but you really need to start working on this hun or your relationship is not going to last....what will happen is...eventually he will grow tired of being your everything because he is less co-dependant than you...and after while he'll get fed up with the smothering and leave

 

Once you learn that you are fine with your bf and fine without him...your relationship will improve

 

I suggest you start to create healthy distance in your relationship...you need to go out with friends...focus on work or school....start a project or better yet start going to the gym if you're not already active physically.

 

You need to be able to stand on your own two feet if you want your relationship to work

 

I'm not going to sugar coat it for you...overcoming co-dependance is alot of work and its not a comfortable process...but you need to start somewhere

 

Best of luck to you hun

[gwendy]

^ I 100% agree!! Thanks for such awesome advice on how to improve myself. It is hard!!! When we talked and I realized he was feeling overwhelmed because I was codependent, I immediately started to change. It was sooo uncomfortable, but I reached out to every single one of my girlfriends and my entire next 2 weeks is booked with plans. I started to work out, it's my 5th day of going to the gym! I feel a lot better about myself

However, I still don't want this relationship to end, and I don't want to say its okay, I learned and I will be better for the next relationship. I've been with tons of guys, and this one is so special. Every girl was jealous of me. He is what you would call a keeper. This is why I just wish I realized these things before. They crossed my mind, but he never seemed to mind it...until all of a sudden. Which makes sense. I want nothing more than for my realization and my steps in not being codependent anymore, and giving him space, I want it so badly to be the cure.

[thecrucible]

This is exactly what my friend and her bf are going through. I think they are talking through it, trying to figure out whether it's just a slump or something more meaningful.

 

I agree with others. The main thing is to give him space. The co-dependency thing is a mindset. I know how you feel as it was a bit like that in my early relationships. I regret the fact I didn't invest enough in myself as person when I was with him. It took a very long time to get back to 'me' because I had set myself back so much.

 

Make some plans yourself which are just about you - like attending events, getting your hair done, starting a gym class, stuff like that. You could leave a bit of mystery, don't tell him everything. Let him wonder what you are up to more.

 

I don't know if you are an emotional person but I am myself. I had to learn from a relationship where I was too dependent on my bf. I don't think I'd go straight to partner for advice anymore or about every woe. I would go to a friend first and try and work it out on my own. It doesn't mean I wouldn't share stuff with a partner, I'd just take responsibility for my own emotions first. OP, I think working a few things out on your own will help too (like being your own best friend in these moments).

[gwendy]

I don't know if you are an emotional person but I am myself. I had to learn from a relationship where I was too dependent on my bf. I don't think I'd go straight to partner for advice anymore or about every woe. I would go to a friend first and try and work it out on my own. It doesn't mean I wouldn't share stuff with a partner, I'd just take responsibility for my own emotions first. OP, I think working a few things out on your own will help too (like being your own best friend in these moments).

That is such a good point.... Thanks for that point of view

I realized I've been living my life around waiting for his next text, waiting for good signs to hold on to. For the past week this has been the only thing getting me through.

But I just realized I'm a great person. I'm in law school and very well educated, I'm attractive and in great shape, I'm open minded and kind, I'm extremely loyal and I have so many great qualities as a person and a girlfriend. Realizing my self worth makes it so much easier to get through my day. This is not to say I don't want this to work out, I so badly do. But just because he needs space, doesn't mean I need to wallow all day or break down every hour. I dread the idea of us breaking up. I do love him. But I also love myself. For the first time I feel better, and it's making it so much easier to let him be and not react insecurely. He's going out with an awesome and successful woman and it sucks that we let it come to this point, but if he can't get through a rough patch, it's not going to be the end of the world for me.

[LexiB]

^ I 100% agree!! Thanks for such awesome advice on how to improve myself. It is hard!!! When we talked and I realized he was feeling overwhelmed because I was codependent, I immediately started to change. It was sooo uncomfortable, but I reached out to every single one of my girlfriends and my entire next 2 weeks is booked with plans. I started to work out, it's my 5th day of going to the gym! I feel a lot better about myself

However, I still don't want this relationship to end, and I don't want to say its okay, I learned and I will be better for the next relationship. I've been with tons of guys, and this one is so special. Every girl was jealous of me. He is what you would call a keeper. This is why I just wish I realized these things before. They crossed my mind, but he never seemed to mind it...until all of a sudden. Which makes sense. I want nothing more than for my realization and my steps in not being codependent anymore, and giving him space, I want it so badly to be the cure.

 

 

I agree that you should focus on rebuilding your friendships - BUT - only if it's genuine. It seems like you're using your friends as a means to fix your relationship with your boyfriend, instead of spending time with them because you actually miss them. Ask yourself this: as soon as things improve with your bf, will you forget about them again?

 

You need to build a lasting network of people that you continuously invest in. Not people you pick up and drop based on the whims of your relationship. That's how you maintain your own life, going forward.

[Alamo657]

I don't think he is that into you.

 

It feels off because it is; you sense imminent doom because righf now as we type, he is realising in his heart that you are not the "One"

 

There is lust and then there is love.

 

Sometimes we feel instant chemistry and deep infatuation and obsession, for people who ee later realise we do not actually click with on a deeper level.

 

It goes deeper than meeting, having the sparks and fireworks and getting along well. I have jad sizzling fireworos with men who I got along well with! Yet we just did not " click" enough to warrant a long term love.

 

You and your bf met, had decent enough chemistry, and now it has become apparant that your bf just doesn't have thst gut level feeling that he is still in love.

 

I am sure he loves you as a person. He just is not IN love anymore. And many couples are both still in love after years.

 

It is not a given that the sparks die or lessen after a given amount of time. I know couples who have hot sex after years.

 

Look, when thinge are right, between two people, you just FEEL IT. You " know" nothing is off.

 

What you are experiencing is what myself and mamy others I know of have ALL been through JUST close to when an ex broke it off with us.

 

QFT. The whole "we spend too much time together and one of us is bored" means in reality that now that the passion of every early relationship is gone, there is no longlasting love to replace it.

 

Love is respect for your partner in the long term. Your boyfriend was infatuated with you and was probably happy to "be in a relationship", but now its gone.

[elaine567]

QFT. The whole "we spend too much time together and one of us is bored" means in reality that now that the passion of every early relationship is gone, there is no longlasting love to replace it.

 

Love is respect for your partner in the long term. Your boyfriend was infatuated with you and was probably happy to "be in a relationship", but now its gone.

 

I agree it is not so much that spending all that time together ruined things it was just that there was no depth behind it to keep the relationship going and turn things into long lasting love.

Many long term couples spend a lot of their lives together and in each other's pocket's but the successful ones are both happy doing that, as they have a relationship that means they do not need other people to make them happy. They are content as a pair.

Some people love that type of bonding others hate it, it is horses for courses. You were obviously happy doing that, but he obviously wasn't.

 

Keeping friends and interests going can be important and that is always good advice but I think some people are never truly happy unless they have a very close pair bond, so I think for those it may be better trying to find someone who shares that view, than for them to pretend to be happy with this great outside social life, when they would much rather spend all their time with one special person.

[Gaeta]

You need to break up and let him go figure himself out.

 

While you are still together he doesn't know what he'll be losing and 'space' is not what he needs, he needs a kick in the head and go figure himself.

 

I find him to have an immature definition of what a relationship should be. No, after 1,5 years dating it's not suppose to feel or have the same dynamic as after 3 months. If he does not understand that part then he won't be a good candidate for long term.

 

Also, on a last note. I don't believe men just lose their feelings after 1,5 year without someone else being involved. My instinct tells me if you break up with him than no more than a couple of weeks later he'll show up around with someone else.